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Post by bran127 on Jul 19, 2017 0:30:17 GMT -5
As I continue to evolve in this journey I find myself becoming terrified of what will eventually become the end of my marriage. i look at him sometimes and see my child in his face and wonder why this happened. i am terrified of the process. I am strong, but I am terrified. I don't need him, but I am scared. This life isn't acceptable, but I am still scared. The way he loves me is not enough for me, but is it possible to ever find what I am truly longing for? I am a different kind of girl, but I am me and that's all I can offer. ALL OF ME! I am terrified! I have a plan, but the reality hurts. My heart is in pieces.....a piece of my life is dying. As I told a good friend....pity party for 1 please.
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Post by orangepeel on Jul 19, 2017 1:51:06 GMT -5
We all are. In exactly the same way you are at that inner emotional level. The only difference is how these feelings surface and how we respond to them. That in fact is what courage is: not not feeling scared, but how you respond to situations when you do. I, for example, have made the decision not to leave my SM shithole and to own that decision. That makes me feel the same as you. I just hope I can be as brace as you. Good luck.
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Post by orangepeel on Jul 19, 2017 1:53:45 GMT -5
Brave as you! Brave!
(What kind of stupid autocorrect changes 'brave' to 'brace'? I demand a refund!)
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Post by baza on Jul 19, 2017 2:23:53 GMT -5
I reckon there are two things in play here Sister bran127First, there is the long term problem of being in an ILIASM shithole. That's a stand alone issue and requires a stand alone resolution method. You have such a resolution method under your own control. Then, as another separate issue, there are other assorted, but manageable problems once you get out. It would appear that you are devoting a lot of mental energy into worrying about the problems involved in once you are out. And at this point in time, you are NOT out. Consider this. Presently, you are wearing the damage that a long term ILIASM shithole inflicts on you. Self esteem down the gurgler, confidence with a few holes in it, ego bruised badly, thought processes fogged etc etc. Then imagine being out. Without the lead boots of the ILIASM shithole weighing you down. Imagine your thoughts clearing, your self esteem returning, your confidence rising and the authentic bran127 emerging. Do you figure that the authentic bran127 might make a pretty decent fist of sorting out those post ILIASM shithole problems ? It is an unfortunate fact that an ILIASM shithole presents us with horribly difficult problems at the exact same time we are struggling with damaged self esteem and confidence. So really, the mission is to return ourselves to authenticity. To be the best version of ourselves possible. Then, that authentic self will take care of business. And, it is quite a task to try and help the authentic you emerge when you are in an ILIASM shithole environment. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 19, 2017 6:16:44 GMT -5
Therapy is what helped me respect, cherish and honor myself enough to view living as a single more favorably than continuing to live with a man who did not love me the way I experienced love. Before therapy, lots of therapy, I felt incomplete without a romantic partner. I lacked the courage to live life on my own terms.
When I decided to divorce the man I'd been with for 36 years, I'd been step by step creating a life independent of him. I'd been making and maintaining my own friendships, pursuing interests without him, taking short vacations without him, sleeping apart from him. If learned that I never missed him. I felt happier not being around him.
When I decided to divorce I had financial concerns about what the divorce would mean. But I didn't fear being without him even if I never found another partner. I'd learned I was happier living without him by my side than living with him.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2017 6:32:49 GMT -5
As I continue to evolve in this journey I find myself becoming terrified of what will eventually become the end of my marriage. i look at him sometimes and see my child in his face and wonder why this happened. i am terrified of the process. I am strong, but I am terrified. I don't need him, but I am scared. This life isn't acceptable, but I am still scared. The way he loves me is not enough for me, but is it possible to ever find what I am truly longing for? I am a different kind of girl, but I am me and that's all I can offer. ALL OF ME! I am terrified! I have a plan, but the reality hurts. My heart is in pieces.....a piece of my life is dying. As I told a good friend....pity party for 1 please. I know this feeling. And even with a solid plan in place, I am sometimes nearly paralyzed by fear. I think that's to be expected. And I think divorce truly is the courageous way out. Any time I hear about divorce now in my community, I'm struck with a sense of admiration for the couples who went through the process. There's a reason why so many people stay in loveless, sexless marriages - fear. Something I am working with is treating my fear as the scared little girl inside. I tuck her into bed, acknowledge what she's feeling, and let her know "I've got this, no need to worry." And then I leave her at home. She doesn't run my life. The essential, courageous ME runs my life. No matter what happens, it's all going to be OK. Apparently I'm having a good day. I'm not always so certain. Give it a day or two and hopefully you'll be feeling confident again. Hang in there! Work the plan and the plan will work for you. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 19, 2017 9:06:25 GMT -5
My 3 year old granddaughter will go into a dark bedroom to retrieve her grandmother's IPad. She has a mantra she chants as she enters the bedroom - "I am brave, and smart and strong. I am brave, and smart and strong."
It works for her.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 19, 2017 9:37:22 GMT -5
Affirmations are a strong tool for influencing behavior. Both good and bad. We are a product of, after all, our programming from the formative years. I believe real progress occurs when we learn to identify faulty programming that leads to bad decisions and behavior. Even more progress is made if we can recognize and change our behavior. This is where daily affirmations come in. I plan to write more about this in my progress journal (the adventures of daddeeo) soon. One of my favorite affirmations is stolen from game of thrones. When Syrio is teaching Arya "the dance", he instructs: "What do we say to the god of death?" "Not today!" The implication is that we recognize that we will die someday, but today will not be that day. Not if I can help it. And so we fight. Cheers and dont let the bastards drag you down! My 3 year old granddaughter will go into a dark bedroom to retrieve her grandmother's IPad. She has a mantra she chants as she enters the bedroom - "I am brave, and smart and strong. I am brave, and smart and strong." It works for her. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2017 11:44:09 GMT -5
As I continue to evolve in this journey I find myself becoming terrified of what will eventually become the end of my marriage. i look at him sometimes and see my child in his face and wonder why this happened. i am terrified of the process. I am strong, but I am terrified. I don't need him, but I am scared. This life isn't acceptable, but I am still scared. The way he loves me is not enough for me, but is it possible to ever find what I am truly longing for? I am a different kind of girl, but I am me and that's all I can offer. ALL OF ME! I am terrified! I have a plan, but the reality hurts. My heart is in pieces.....a piece of my life is dying. As I told a good friend....pity party for 1 please. Bran, you are going through a process. You will need to grieve the end of your marriage. Even if it was dreadfully bad, it is still your comfort zone. Any change is scary, but you can do this. Remember you came here just asking for advice on how to outsource, and if I remember correctly, you said you would never leave the marriage. Now you seem to be considering leaving. That is a huge change! I know that it feels like a part of you is dying. But there is another part that is about to come alive. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 19, 2017 12:57:35 GMT -5
As I continue to evolve in this journey I find myself becoming terrified of what will eventually become the end of my marriage. i look at him sometimes and see my child in his face and wonder why this happened. i am terrified of the process. I am strong, but I am terrified. I don't need him, but I am scared. This life isn't acceptable, but I am still scared. The way he loves me is not enough for me, but is it possible to ever find what I am truly longing for? I am a different kind of girl, but I am me and that's all I can offer. ALL OF ME! I am terrified! I have a plan, but the reality hurts. My heart is in pieces.....a piece of my life is dying. As I told a good friend....pity party for 1 please. I know this feeling. And even with a solid plan in place, I am sometimes nearly paralyzed by fear. I think that's to be expected. And I think divorce truly is the courageous way out. Any time I hear about divorce now in my community, I'm struck with a sense of admiration for the couples who went through the process. There's a reason why so many people stay in loveless, sexless marriages - fear. Something I am working with is treating my fear as the scared little girl inside. I tuck her into bed, acknowledge what she's feeling, and let her know "I've got this, no need to worry." And then I leave her at home. She doesn't run my life. The essential, courageous ME runs my life. No matter what happens, it's all going to be OK. Apparently I'm having a good day. I'm not always so certain. Give it a day or two and hopefully you'll be feeling confident again. Hang in there! Work the plan and the plan will work for you. I can't speak to being a scared little girl (I don't usually wear girls clothes until Friday), but I CAN speak to fear. Rebooting your life is a terrifying process. It should be, and it should not be taken lightly. But I will say that in my experience, the further I got down the path, the less terrifying it became. See, the thing we are most terrified of here is the unknown. I have to tell someone I love / loved that I no longer love them. I have to be able to stand financially on my own. I need to accept I may never find love again. I am breaking up my family. Am I being selfish? Who am I do do this to all these other people? Is there something wrong with ME that my spouse finds me unfuckable? My kids will be traumatized over this. I'm the one doing the leaving, so I'll be the "bad guy". ...And the hamster wheel in the back of your head continues to spin it's wicked dance. But as you hit various "milestones", a funny thing happens. The unknowns become known. They might be bad, they might be good. You will probably experience a mixture. The monster under your bed isn't real...or at least isn't as big as you thought. And eventually, you wind up on the other side. Things aren't perfect over here. Nothing in life is. You may or may not be happy. There is only one guarantee...you get a second chance. What you do with your second chance is up to you. But you will get that second chance. @elle , you are completely right that if you let a day or two pass, most fears will subside. You've got a hard path ahead of you, but you know the drill...Chin up. You got this. |
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Post by dinnaken on Jul 19, 2017 13:06:00 GMT -5
Hi Bran 127,
I think that if the story of this forum is about anything, it is about people facing fear.
Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of financial consequences, fear of never finding anyone else, fear of causing upset, fear for the kids etc. etc.
You are terrified and fearful, so very many people here are. If you are scared, good; therefore, you've thought this through and are willing to act knowing the consequences - I'd be more worried if you said you weren't scared.
Yes, the reality hurts, it hurt me very much and like you I had fears for the future - lots of them - but in my heart I knew (and I suspect that you've come to the same point) that I couldn't carry on with things as they were. Within the marriage things would not change; therefore there was only one option...
You have to step out, off the cliff edge and into that void.
My marriage ended in separation four weeks ago. The world hasn't ended, far from it. I didn't party or shout from the rooftops etc., that's just silliness. I was simply sad. I dusted myself down and got on with things and now (all of four weeks out!) I am happy and content.
Put simply, what was making me sad has ended. I am no longer sad. I no longer spend my waking hours worrying for the future; as Shamwow put it 'The elephant in the room has left'.
So, be brave you'll find the courage to keep going
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2017 13:30:07 GMT -5
I can't speak to being a scared little girl (I don't usually wear girls clothes until Friday), but I CAN speak to fear. Rebooting your life is a terrifying process. It should be, and it should not be taken lightly. But I will say that in my experience, the further I got down the path, the less terrifying it became. See, the thing we are most terrified of here is the unknown. I have to tell someone I love / loved that I no longer love them. I have to be able to stand financially on my own. I need to accept I may never find love again. I am breaking up my family. Am I being selfish? Who am I do do this to all these other people? Is there something wrong with ME that my spouse finds me unfuckable? My kids will be traumatized over this. I'm the one doing the leaving, so I'll be the "bad guy". ...And the hamster wheel in the back of your head continues to spin it's wicked dance. But as you hit various "milestones", a funny thing happens. The unknowns become known. They might be bad, they might be good. You will probably experience a mixture. The monster under your bed isn't real...or at least isn't as big as you thought. And eventually, you wind up on the other side. Things aren't perfect over here. Nothing in life is. You may or may not be happy. There is only one guarantee...you get a second chance. What you do with your second chance is up to you. But you will get that second chance. @elle , you are completely right that if you let a day or two pass, most fears will subside. You've got a hard path ahead of you, but you know the drill...Chin up. You got this. please listen to the shamminator! He has walked your path and made it through with most, well some, of his sanity intact! And he is absolutely right. Feel the fear and act anyway! |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 19, 2017 13:33:14 GMT -5
I can't speak to being a scared little girl (I don't usually wear girls clothes until Friday), but I CAN speak to fear. Rebooting your life is a terrifying process. It should be, and it should not be taken lightly. But I will say that in my experience, the further I got down the path, the less terrifying it became. See, the thing we are most terrified of here is the unknown. I have to tell someone I love / loved that I no longer love them. I have to be able to stand financially on my own. I need to accept I may never find love again. I am breaking up my family. Am I being selfish? Who am I do do this to all these other people? Is there something wrong with ME that my spouse finds me unfuckable? My kids will be traumatized over this. I'm the one doing the leaving, so I'll be the "bad guy". ...And the hamster wheel in the back of your head continues to spin it's wicked dance. But as you hit various "milestones", a funny thing happens. The unknowns become known. They might be bad, they might be good. You will probably experience a mixture. The monster under your bed isn't real...or at least isn't as big as you thought. And eventually, you wind up on the other side. Things aren't perfect over here. Nothing in life is. You may or may not be happy. There is only one guarantee...you get a second chance. What you do with your second chance is up to you. But you will get that second chance. @elle , you are completely right that if you let a day or two pass, most fears will subside. You've got a hard path ahead of you, but you know the drill...Chin up. You got this. please listen to the shamminator! He has walked your path and made it through with most, well some, of his sanity intact! And he is absolutely right. Feel the fear and act anyway! The voices in my head unanimously assure me that I have all of my sanity intact, thank you very much...Even the voices that communicate exclusively in yodels and Morse code. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 20, 2017 5:08:33 GMT -5
bran127 please listen to the shamminator! He has walked your path and made it through with most, well some, of his sanity intact! And he is absolutely right. Feel the fear and act anyway! The voices in my head unanimously assure me that I have all of my sanity intact, thank you very much...Even the voices that communicate exclusively in yodels and Morse code. You hear the yodeling too?
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Post by shamwow on Jul 20, 2017 6:47:31 GMT -5
The voices in my head unanimously assure me that I have all of my sanity intact, thank you very much...Even the voices that communicate exclusively in yodels and Morse code. You hear the yodeling too?
Putting salsa on your "taco" while driving is impressive... Especially if you're a woman. |
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