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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 13, 2017 14:36:09 GMT -5
We are a different breed. With a different person we could have very successful second marriages. I suspect that the very traits that hosed us in our current situation would be very valuable with the right partner. I think this is relative, (or consider it a side note) what about the old truth, "opposites attract?" That scares the begeebers out of me!! Not so sure I want to go through that again!! |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 13, 2017 14:59:18 GMT -5
I suspect that the very traits that hosed us in our current situation would be very valuable with the right partner. I think this is relative, (or consider it a side note) what about the old truth, "opposites attract?" That scares the begeebers out of me!! Not so sure I want to go through that again!! I think opposites can attract but not in terms of libido and affection- that's primal and biological and at a totally different level of extrovert vs introvert or I like sci fi but you don't. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2017 15:19:00 GMT -5
We are a different breed. With a different person we could have very successful second marriages. I suspect that the very traits that hosed us in our current situation would be very valuable with the right partner. I've long thought that the traits we look for in a partner don't usually change, and that's why 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages, and 3rd marriages have even higher rates of failure. As a group, we don't learn from our mistakes. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 13, 2017 15:25:37 GMT -5
I suspect that the very traits that hosed us in our current situation would be very valuable with the right partner. I've long thought that the traits we look for in a partner don't usually change, and that's why 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages, and 3rd marriages have even higher rates of failure. As a group, we don't learn from our mistakes. I've learned: 1) don't get remarried 2) when they stop fucking you find someone new |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2017 15:27:13 GMT -5
I've long thought that the traits we look for in a partner don't usually change, and that's why 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages, and 3rd marriages have even higher rates of failure. As a group, we don't learn from our mistakes. I've learned: 1) don't get remarried 2) when they stop fucking you find someone new I think that's a really good start! |
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Post by WindSister on Jul 13, 2017 15:52:31 GMT -5
I suspect that the very traits that hosed us in our current situation would be very valuable with the right partner. I've long thought that the traits we look for in a partner don't usually change, and that's why 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages, and 3rd marriages have even higher rates of failure. As a group, we don't learn from our mistakes. That may be true for some. Honestly, I have learned. The one thing I learned is listen to myself. Night and day differences between my ex and my husband. Night and day. I have similar traits of his ex when it comes to some things but she and I are very different too. Looking at our Facebook profiles reveals that. She has 1243 friends, I have 242 (and wanting to weed out again) she has a million pictures of herself with a million friends in a million bars. I have millions of pictures of trees and rivers and campfires. I think that's kinda telling. I know I can't say we will never divorce, but I will say it appears to be unlikely at this point and I feel life experiences qualify me to say that with more backing it than mere wishful thinking. 😊 So many ways to spin this topic but I have to go mow our gigantic lawn (it's actually something I really enjoy). Thanks for chiming in with your thoughts, everyone. I don't know, I just wish peace, love contentment for everyone. And for all to fulfill their desires. Maybe that doesn't involve coupling up. That's perfectly legit. But. Please know. Not all who are married are miserable either. Or settling. Or giving up. Sometimes that happy looking couple IS happy. Marriage isn't just for fools ... there is a trend of intentional marriages out there. Hmm. New forum. Blog. Website. Intentional Marriage. Probably already exists. Ok...date with the lawn mower. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 14, 2017 6:21:19 GMT -5
I'm pro-marriage! Seems I have better odds with first than second or third so I'm putting best effort in it. Don't know why divorce rates are higher than first marriage, perhaps because second marriages usually don't involve having kids together? But if you don't get remarried you would have to introduce your partner as your partner, soulmate, gf, fuckmate, etc. And it sounds different. Good luck with marriage, even if isn't a SM. It appears that most divorces are not due to sexlessness.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 14, 2017 8:58:29 GMT -5
As I was mowing our gigantic yard, I was thinking more about "intentional marriage." Anytime we are intentional about things, we get better results -- my first marriage? We were freaking clueless.
Then I saw my husband drive up the street to our garage and I shut off the mower, leaving it where I was to go greet him. This is an "intentional" thing we do for each other every single day. I am not exaggerating. EVERY. DAY. We greet each other when the other comes home. Whatever the other is doing, they stop, meet the person at the door with a hug and a real kiss (not a peck but a soft and welcoming kiss) and usually saying something like, "I am so glad you are home!" "Welcome home, baby!" "Yay, you are home!" Or even just "love you" although I tend to add an "mmm... I love you." Then we reconnect and talk about our days a bit before moving on to the rest of the evening.
I share this because it's not a fantasy. It's what we do.
We didn't decide to do this, it's just what we do and have always done.
Would we continue to do this with kids and 20 years? Who the hell knows? And luckily for us, we won't have to explore that one because we live a quiet little kid-free life. When I had the grandkids for a week, though, I did greet him this way when he came home every night. But, I do recall missing him LIKE CRAZY that week because the kids came first. Oh, that first night they went home, I was like, "phew... back to our life!" lol (but I do love those kiddos)
I do see us doing this 20 years from now, though --- it's just "who we are" --- I am that person who DOES THAT. HE is that person who DOES THAT. That's why we jive well together.
I am not saying every couple "should do that." But something feels wonderful about it. My ex didn't do that. He was usually either playing his video games or watching tv when I got home. He would greet me with a "hey, how's it going" or something similar, but definitely no touch. No hug. No happiness to see me. Makes me shudder to recall thinking I lived 15 years with that.
I don't know.. just more thoughts. No, our life is not perfect. He's not perfect. I am not perfect. We just work well together. I am saying this because when you work well with someone, it's a whole new ballgame. After a SM? It's one you won't take for granted.
It's not marriage's fault that marriages fail. Those same people who get lazy in a marriage will get lazy in a long term relationship (unless they are the type of person who sought help and self-improvement). Even living together you have to DECIDE to leave if it doesn't work out. BREAK ties, move, etc.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 14, 2017 9:01:15 GMT -5
I'm pro-marriage! Seems I have better odds with first than second or third so I'm putting best effort in it. Don't know why divorce rates are higher than first marriage, perhaps because second marriages usually don't involve having kids together? But if you don't get remarried you would have to introduce your partner as your partner, soulmate, gf, fuckmate, etc. And it sounds different. Good luck with marriage, even if isn't a SM. It appears that most divorces are not due to sexlessness. Yes. Even though we greet each other every day at the door with a kiss and have sex regularly 2-4 times a week, we have challenges to work through together as a couple. That never goes away in relationships. Glad you are putting your best effort in, I do hope that is being returned to you as well. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 14, 2017 11:17:43 GMT -5
As I was mowing our gigantic yard, I was thinking more about "intentional marriage." Anytime we are intentional about things, we get better results -- my first marriage? We were freaking clueless. Then I saw my husband drive up the street to our garage and I shut off the mower, leaving it where I was to go greet him. This is an "intentional" thing we do for each other every single day. I am not exaggerating. EVERY. DAY. We greet each other when the other comes home. Whatever the other is doing, they stop, meet the person at the door with a hug and a real kiss (not a peck but a soft and welcoming kiss) and usually saying something like, "I am so glad you are home!" "Welcome home, baby!" "Yay, you are home!" Or even just "love you" although I tend to add an "mmm... I love you." Then we reconnect and talk about our days a bit before moving on to the rest of the evening. I share this because it's not a fantasy. It's what we do. We didn't decide to do this, it's just what we do and have always done. Would we continue to do this with kids and 20 years? Who the hell knows? And luckily for us, we won't have to explore that one because we live a quiet little kid-free life. When I had the grandkids for a week, though, I did greet him this way when he came home every night. But, I do recall missing him LIKE CRAZY that week because the kids came first. Oh, that first night they went home, I was like, "phew... back to our life!" lol (but I do love those kiddos) I do see us doing this 20 years from now, though --- it's just "who we are" --- I am that person who DOES THAT. HE is that person who DOES THAT. That's why we jive well together. I am not saying every couple "should do that." But something feels wonderful about it. My ex didn't do that. He was usually either playing his video games or watching tv when I got home. He would greet me with a "hey, how's it going" or something similar, but definitely no touch. No hug. No happiness to see me. Makes me shudder to recall thinking I lived 15 years with that. I don't know.. just more thoughts. No, our life is not perfect. He's not perfect. I am not perfect. We just work well together. I am saying this because when you work well with someone, it's a whole new ballgame. After a SM? It's one you won't take for granted. It's not marriage's fault that marriages fail. Those same people who get lazy in a marriage will get lazy in a long term relationship (unless they are the type of person who sought help and self-improvement). Even living together you have to DECIDE to leave if it doesn't work out. BREAK ties, move, etc. I remember in my first year of marriage when my H came home greeting him at the door to hug and kiss him sort of like a puppy dog running to the door, very excited and very playful. He told me not to do that. He needed time to decompress after work. I obliged. We had no business being married. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 14, 2017 15:04:09 GMT -5
I'm pro-marriage! Seems I have better odds with first than second or third so I'm putting best effort in it. Don't know why divorce rates are higher than first marriage, perhaps because second marriages usually don't involve having kids together? But if you don't get remarried you would have to introduce your partner as your partner, soulmate, gf, fuckmate, etc. And it sounds different. Good luck with marriage, even if isn't a SM. It appears that most divorces are not due to sexlessness. Yes. Even though we greet each other every day at the door with a kiss and have sex regularly 2-4 times a week, we have challenges to work through together as a couple. That never goes away in relationships. Glad you are putting your best effort in, I do hope that is being returned to you as well. A greeting kiss at the door and 2-4x per week sex would be much appreciated.👏 My returns are a loving mother for my children, a lovely and loving wife, companionship, healthy food, and clean home. Sometimes a little fun in bed but I have to put in 10x the effort to get 1x of hers (1x could be her best effort). But can we ask for or have it all? I think we both know how much is enough since we are still married. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2017 16:56:15 GMT -5
WindSister, having been through the gristmill of divorce, did you two opt for a prenuptial agreement to declare the financial boundaries in advance this time? There is so much angst over money during divorce, I'm inclined to think it should be mandatory, though lovestruck couples are reluctant to consider that things won't end well, especially if they don't have assets going into the marriage. ETA: I'm actually a fan of marriage and would most certainly do it again. I just wouldn't leave things undefined next time. What DryCreek said. I'm not ruling out another attempt at marriage; but I want to be damn sure we talk things out and explicitly decide how we want to do things, FIRST. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 14, 2017 19:19:24 GMT -5
I have to wonder what the future will bring. If I meet someone in my town who has older children, a good paying job, a house the kids one week on, one week off. I hope to have the same scenario to offer them. WE could still see each other at each others houses. Practically live together as a couple when the kids are at our ex's house.
We could visit and spend time together with each others older children. This could go on for years, with two separate households and no marriage.
Is there a name for this? ( I think I've read about this before?)
Reminds me of my younger years when I moved an hour away, after two years of dating, from my girlfriend to start a career. We saw each other only on weekends. (and what a weekend it was!) while we communicated often by phone. Similar to my dating days with my now STBX when I was on the road working.
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Post by baza on Jul 14, 2017 19:36:49 GMT -5
Married - not married.
Personal opinion, a big non event either way.
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 14, 2017 20:12:11 GMT -5
I have to wonder what the future will bring. If I meet someone in my town who has older children, a good paying job, a house the kids one week on, one week off. I hope to have the same scenario to offer them. WE could still see each other at each others houses. Practically live together as a couple when the kids are at our ex's house. We could visit and spend time together with each others older children. This could go on for years, with two separate households and no marriage. Is there a name for this? ( I think I've read about this before?) Reminds me of my younger years when I moved an hour away, after two years of dating, from my girlfriend to start a career. We saw each other only on weekends. (and what a weekend it was!) while we communicated often by phone. Similar to my dating days with my now STBX when I was on the road working. why not live together, married or unmarried? Like awake or baza. They're living in bliss. |
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