Post by WindSister on Jul 13, 2017 8:16:15 GMT -5
... okay, I scoured the WWW and I have to admit, it was tough to find. Especially the argument for SECOND marriages. lol (so there's your humor)
But, seriously, I am in my second marriage. I don't need others to do what I do, and I know I don't have to defend myself or my choices, but I do want to share how I got here even after a sucky first marriage and divorce.
I know the statistics suck for second marriages but I don't think my husband and I are represented in those stats. We don't have kids living with us and we have very drama-free ex spouses (though his ex-girlfriend is a dandy, watch out for those rebounds, seriously). Since his ex is drama-free, his kids have always been accepting of me (kids seem to be a huge reason second marriages fail).
We aren't overly religious.
We both made a good living on our own, didn't "need" each other financially.
We both had our own health insurance.
We both had our own checkings, savings, and all that jazz (a little retirement stashed away).
We both had good credit, the ability to keep ourselves in good/running cars and maybe something fun on the side (like a bike or boat).
All on our own, individually.
We get no real incentives to "be married" yet we chose to marry each other.
We chose intentionally. We continue to choose.
I guess I have always "believed" in marriage even as I hated being in my first one and went through divorce. I don't believe in it from a religious standpoint, but I do from a spiritual one - granted, you don't need to make it "state legal" to enjoy a spiritual marriage. But I do enjoy sharing his last name - that means something to me. Also, "wife" and "husband" mean something to me so deeply beautiful now after the first time around when we were basically indifferent towards each other. I LOVE being his wife. I LOVE calling him my husband. It's a bond that is uniquely ours.
I guess I will leave it at that because it's hard to come up with the words for what I feel in my heart. I know I can't speak for my husband, but I speak WITH him all the time. Our anniversary is a time we look back on the year and discuss things - how it went, what needs to change, what can we do to keep things alive and thriving for the year ahead. We are on the same page and our actions align. It's not an institution for us, it's our living, breathing relationship - the space in which we share life with each other. It's what drives our actions and behaviors and makes us better people with and for each other.
No, not everyone needs it and that's cool. Of course, I do get a little sad when I see the word trashed so bad, though. But, that's nothing to do with my choice, I know. And on this site, it's a no-brainer the word is tiresome and heavy to most (it was to me at one time, too). I guess I am here to caution "never say never" AND - it's not "marriages" fault that marriages fail. (something like that)
I did find one little blurb in my scouring of the web that touched my heart and definitely explains how I feel about my second marriage. I will close with that:
Economists talk about the ‘IKEA effect,’ where people value things more when they have a sense of ownership from building it themselves. The way I see it, a second marriage is like that. Unlike my first marriage, this one was born of intention and effort on both of our parts. We have removed the rotten pieces of our pasts, sanded smooth the rough edges and built upon the reinforced foundation. And when we build it, we cherish it.” — Lisa Arends, blogger at Lessons From The End Of A Marriage
But, seriously, I am in my second marriage. I don't need others to do what I do, and I know I don't have to defend myself or my choices, but I do want to share how I got here even after a sucky first marriage and divorce.
I know the statistics suck for second marriages but I don't think my husband and I are represented in those stats. We don't have kids living with us and we have very drama-free ex spouses (though his ex-girlfriend is a dandy, watch out for those rebounds, seriously). Since his ex is drama-free, his kids have always been accepting of me (kids seem to be a huge reason second marriages fail).
We aren't overly religious.
We both made a good living on our own, didn't "need" each other financially.
We both had our own health insurance.
We both had our own checkings, savings, and all that jazz (a little retirement stashed away).
We both had good credit, the ability to keep ourselves in good/running cars and maybe something fun on the side (like a bike or boat).
All on our own, individually.
We get no real incentives to "be married" yet we chose to marry each other.
We chose intentionally. We continue to choose.
I guess I have always "believed" in marriage even as I hated being in my first one and went through divorce. I don't believe in it from a religious standpoint, but I do from a spiritual one - granted, you don't need to make it "state legal" to enjoy a spiritual marriage. But I do enjoy sharing his last name - that means something to me. Also, "wife" and "husband" mean something to me so deeply beautiful now after the first time around when we were basically indifferent towards each other. I LOVE being his wife. I LOVE calling him my husband. It's a bond that is uniquely ours.
I guess I will leave it at that because it's hard to come up with the words for what I feel in my heart. I know I can't speak for my husband, but I speak WITH him all the time. Our anniversary is a time we look back on the year and discuss things - how it went, what needs to change, what can we do to keep things alive and thriving for the year ahead. We are on the same page and our actions align. It's not an institution for us, it's our living, breathing relationship - the space in which we share life with each other. It's what drives our actions and behaviors and makes us better people with and for each other.
No, not everyone needs it and that's cool. Of course, I do get a little sad when I see the word trashed so bad, though. But, that's nothing to do with my choice, I know. And on this site, it's a no-brainer the word is tiresome and heavy to most (it was to me at one time, too). I guess I am here to caution "never say never" AND - it's not "marriages" fault that marriages fail. (something like that)
I did find one little blurb in my scouring of the web that touched my heart and definitely explains how I feel about my second marriage. I will close with that:
Economists talk about the ‘IKEA effect,’ where people value things more when they have a sense of ownership from building it themselves. The way I see it, a second marriage is like that. Unlike my first marriage, this one was born of intention and effort on both of our parts. We have removed the rotten pieces of our pasts, sanded smooth the rough edges and built upon the reinforced foundation. And when we build it, we cherish it.” — Lisa Arends, blogger at Lessons From The End Of A Marriage
This is it for me. He is it. No need for a prenup here and it's not like we have "major" assets to protect. We are both PROVEN to be decent human beings as well, our ex spouses would even vouch for that. We made fair agreements with our exes with no need for lawyers. He and I gave up a lot of the "stuff" to our spouses, but "stuff" doesn't hold much meaning to either of us. Money was never an issue in our past divorces and wouldn't be for us. That's just us, though. Like I said, I get why others would. 
