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Post by bballgirl on Aug 24, 2017 20:12:07 GMT -5
Im happy (not) to report that Ive earned another notch on my mindfuckery stick this week. Just when you think it might be safe to put your guard down, the fireworks go off. At this rate, I may have a collection of mindfuckery notch sticks before its all said and done. Another reminder today of my role as wallet and child minder, and how inadequate I do the job no less. If anything, the sexlessness takes a backseat. I couldnt care less at this point. Libido is in the toilet. And so it goes when you play another round in the game that you didnt even want to play to begin with. Peace. So sorry you are feeling down. Be strong for yourself and your kids and one day karma will treat you right. Hugs
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 28, 2017 9:03:16 GMT -5
Thank you! I appreciate the encouragement. Im happy (not) to report that Ive earned another notch on my mindfuckery stick this week. Just when you think it might be safe to put your guard down, the fireworks go off. At this rate, I may have a collection of mindfuckery notch sticks before its all said and done. Another reminder today of my role as wallet and child minder, and how inadequate I do the job no less. If anything, the sexlessness takes a backseat. I couldnt care less at this point. Libido is in the toilet. And so it goes when you play another round in the game that you didnt even want to play to begin with. Peace. So sorry you are feeling down. Be strong for yourself and your kids and one day karma will treat you right. Hugs
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 17, 2017 6:40:37 GMT -5
Today I decided I cannot love her anymore. I choose to not continue living this way anymore. Its not a healthy way to be.
Where every waking thought you have about them, about you and them, just comsumes you.
You realize they dont even see you. Really see you, let alone feel you.
We are just two strangers under the same roof trying to make the best of it.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 17, 2017 6:46:27 GMT -5
Today I decided I cannot love her anymore. I choose to not continue living this way anymore. Its not a healthy way to be. Where every waking thought you have about them, about you and them, just comsumes you. You realize they dont even see you. Really see you, let alone feel you. We are just two strangers under the same roof trying to make the best of it. Hugs. It's a sad post but I also think it's a positive and productive post because you are deciding. You are in control. You are taking steps towards your future and what you want for yourself.
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Post by tirefire on Sept 17, 2017 7:28:00 GMT -5
Today I decided I cannot love her anymore. I choose to not continue living this way anymore. Its not a healthy way to be. Where every waking thought you have about them, about you and them, just comsumes you. You realize they dont even see you. Really see you, let alone feel you. We are just two strangers under the same roof trying to make the best of it. Keep moving forward. Don't look back. Good luck.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 18, 2017 10:51:27 GMT -5
Apocrypha (cool screen name btw) I appreciate your comments. Are you sure you are not the manifestation of my subconscious. Certainly seems that way at times. When you are at your most open and vulnerable - literally naked and a little out of control - it is an horrific thing to see that your partner is not welcoming that. You got the sex, but you did not get desire nor intimacy. At some point, the sexual encounters themselves get weaponized to make you hate them as much as she does. I just have a particularly intense and rounded perspective on this because, over time, I've experienced the same thing from different angles and I've tried to fix it with all the usual and some very unusual ways. I've paid attention to my process and thoughts in each iteration, and I've generally committed myself to expressing them as authentically as possible (including when I was mistaken). While everyone's problems and solutions are life-sized, I've not met many who have tried the sheer variety and intensity of methods as me, while also being cognizant of the process of trying them (I was a member here in the prior board, as well as being in family counselling for much of it). I've been in intimacy averse relationships in which I was intimacy averse (and I overcame it), in which my partner was intimacy averse (and didn't overcome it, in the long run). I've been a lover and affair partner to someone in an intimacy-averse relationship, who became averse herself eventually (to him). I've been a lover to divorced women who either were intimacy-averse themselves in their relationships, or their partners were. I don't know that I can say what will happen, but I can offer my own personal experience --which appears to me as being the logical and predictable result of many of the behaviors and beliefs I held.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 26, 2017 22:29:09 GMT -5
True story. Got home late from work. Everybody was upstairs getting for bed. Kids say hello, missed you daddy and all the nice little pleasantries from these wonderful kids one would expect when you get home from work. Wife is already in bed (she wakes up super early for work) so I dont see her. Had dinner and then she calls up. We talk a little bit about our day and then she asks for a foot rub (usually a pre-cursor to sex) while rubbing her foot (yeah I can be a nice guy at times), Im standing and her other foot is pressed firmly against my groin. We both notice, she doesnt move it away. Im done with the foot rub so I leave the room. As I exit the bedroom she calls out to come to bed soon. Record scratch...pause the scene. WHAT??? What part of we no longer sleep in the same bed did you somehow forget?
She corrects herself. "Tell the kids to get to bed soon". Yeah fuck that. We both know what you said. Nope. Not happening. And that boys and girls, closes out another chapter in the adventures of Daddeeo. See you next time, same bat time, same bat channel.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 27, 2017 0:30:21 GMT -5
True story. Got home late from work. Everybody was upstairs getting for bed. Kids say hello, missed you daddy and all the nice little pleasantries from these wonderful kids one would expect when you get home from work. Wife is already in bed (she wakes up super early for work) so I dont see her. Had dinner and then she calls up. We talk a little bit about our day and then she asks for a foot rub (usually a pre-cursor to sex) while rubbing her foot (yeah I can be a nice guy at times), Im standing and her other foot is pressed firmly against my groin. We both notice, she doesnt move it away. Im done with the foot rub so I leave the room. As I exit the bedroom she calls out to come to bed soon. Record scratch...pause the scene. WHAT??? What part of we no longer sleep in the same bed did you somehow forget? She corrects herself. "Tell the kids to get to bed soon". Yeah fuck that. We both know what you said. Nope. Not happening. And that boys and girls, closes out another chapter in the adventures of Daddeeo. See you next time, same bat time, same bat channel. Well this sounds like "Counter-refusing"? Sounds like she was "in the mood"? How are you feeling about this? I became the counter-refuser too eventually . . . a couple life is dynamic and goes up and down, sometimes all the way down never to go back up again. Whatever is going on inside and next. Empathy and support sent your way.
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cch
New Member
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Post by cch on Sept 27, 2017 7:54:23 GMT -5
I counter-refuse for many reasons. One of them is because the refuser's narrative has to be broken. By offering up crumbs as she is doing now (as a defence mechanism) she is perpetuating the notion that the two of you actually "have a sex life". You do not have a sex life. Don't pretend you have one.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 9, 2017 3:31:38 GMT -5
Been staying away a few weeks. As you will soon see, I felt somewhat out of place here for a brief time.
So counter refusing failed. Sex returned with a vengeance.
The first time in a few months was somewhat a fluke of circumstance. We went away for a kids event. The kids all wanted to sleep together in a bedroom so they could watch a movie. W and I slept in the master. It was a large bed so we had enough space for one another. But it still feels uncomfortable when you havent shared that space with someone in awhile.
Middle of the night. We spooned. My hands wandered. She resisted at first but it was a weak resistence. Pretty soon we were having sex in multiple positions ending with an intense doggie style. She seemed like she really enjoyed it. Hadnt seen her like that in awhile. When it finished we both went to sleep and the next day it was like it never happened.
Shortly thereafter, we hit rock bottom to this point relationship wise. We exchanged some intense words. We both realised what assholes we've been to each other. We talked about divorce again in a calm manner. Mutually reaching the conclusion that we'd be screwed financially nevermind the emotional turmoil. I suggested we just be roommates and try to be respectful of one another. That I thought we were incompatible. That the way she acted didnt make me happy. She didnt think she could live that way. She wanted to be married or not. That we should try to fix things.
After that intense discussion the sex returned in a huge way. Multiple times a week, at worst every other day, some times more than once a day. It felt like the way it was for the first 10 years or so. W was usually the initiator. She did everything I asked for. I thought maybe things could turn around.
But I also noticed the after sex feelings were tenuous, if at all. That in-between sex ethereal connection was the same as the after sex, faint, barely discernable.
And then it became clear to me that it was all just another big mindfuck. She saw the reality of what a divorce would look like and didnt particularly like what she saw. So she decides to try to change things, which there is nothing wrong with. Except, it doesnt feel authentic.
I feel manipulated. I feel anger and resentment. I dont want to bottle it anymore. I wasnt sure about writing and posting this. Its edgy. Its raw. But I went ahead anyway because when I write about it, Im reminded its real. My feelings are such a cluster at times that its hard to trust myself. I sometimes struggle with knowing if what Im feeling is real or not.
And so it goes...
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Post by merrygoround on Oct 9, 2017 3:42:16 GMT -5
TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo i totally get this. About five years ago when the ex and I hit rock bottom and decided to give everything another go, what followed was two weeks of daily sex. Now, not the variation of positions etc that you had, it was still "his way" but the bottom-line feelings resulting from it were pretty much the same as yours. Someone here, sorry I forget who, commented that an intense period of reset sex like that isn't real at all, because it was more like marking his territory and if it was real for him, it would have been a slow build up to regain intimacy in all areas, not just "reclaim". And of course, it didn't last. It was back to statistical and then far less than statistical SM shortly afterwards. What it did gain me was another five years of being with my children until they reached adulthood - which I don't regret. What I do regret is more years of lies and deception, of being used and reduced to a depressed shell until I finally had the truth from him, until I had to save myself and go. It's almost as if we have to go through so much pain first and put ourselves through it to really get to see what is actually happening, despite the damage being done to ourselves, through them or our own responsibility. I just get what you're saying, is all. Hugs x
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 9, 2017 4:20:49 GMT -5
merrygoround Thank you for this. Its not like me to process my feelings this way let alone share those thoughts with a virtual room full of familiar strangers. It feels less wierd knowing its not just me. Your statement about gradual return to intimacy resonates. I dont expect this sex to last. Im jealous you found the "truth". In the end, I feel thats what I ultimately want. TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo i totally get this. About five years ago when the ex and I hit rock bottom and decided to give everything another go, what followed was two weeks of daily sex. Now, not the variation of positions etc that you had, it was still "his way" but the bottom-line feelings resulting from it were pretty much the same as yours. Someone here, sorry I forget who, commented that an intense period of reset sex like that isn't real at all, because it was more like marking his territory and if it was real for him, it would have been a slow build up to regain intimacy in all areas, not just "reclaim". And of course, it didn't last. It was back to statistical and then far less than statistical SM shortly afterwards. What it did gain me was another five years of being with my children until they reached adulthood - which I don't regret. What I do regret is more years of lies and deception, of being used and reduced to a depressed shell until I finally had the truth from him, until I had to save myself and go. It's almost as if we have to go through so much pain first and put ourselves through it to really get to see what is actually happening, despite the damage being done to ourselves, through them or our own responsibility. I just get what you're saying, is all. Hugs x
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 9, 2017 6:12:44 GMT -5
"Mutually reaching the conclusion that we'd be screwed financially nevermind the emotional turmoil. I suggested we just be roommates and try to be respectful of one another. "
Have you talked to a lawyer to lean the financial truth?
How old are you? If you are in your 50s, you could be facing another 30 years of an intimacy less existence with a roommate you resent and with self confidence in the toilet. Are the material things worth that kind of trade off?
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Post by workingonit on Oct 9, 2017 16:39:16 GMT -5
Today I decided I cannot love her anymore. I choose to not continue living this way anymore. Its not a healthy way to be. Where every waking thought you have about them, about you and them, just comsumes you. You realize they dont even see you. Really see you, let alone feel you. We are just two strangers under the same roof trying to make the best of it. This quote breaks my heart. I feel the same way. How many times do you have to tell your partner that you are HURTING from lack of affection without a single effort made to fix the problem before you accept it cannot be changed? I just don't know how to stop trying..... how to stop hoping.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Oct 10, 2017 3:14:10 GMT -5
TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo first I'm really sorry to read your story. I think you are right in most recent thoughts - it would just be nice to know the truth because as usual for most of us here we give our love and intimacy to our partners (or ex partners) and don't receive it in return - or at best only on their terms. I bared my soul to my stbx around 10 years ago over the lack of reciprocated desire /touch plain anything remotely resembling a relationship and got pretty well nowhere. 4 years ago I asked for divorce and was promised counselling and efforts in every way to turn things around. I didn't get pity sex or reset sex and didn't get any of the other promises either and then felt so low that I lacked the strength to start the divorce process. Lived in limbo for a long time perhaps blaming myself for it all.Baring it all on here really helped the healing process (or in my case the moving forward process) I hope you get to achieve the topic of the thread - peace love and harmony
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