A lot of folks are worried of the great unknown of dating while married. Some first hand accounts would be very informative.
What works to land dates?
What are your dates like?
What lengths are you going to in order to preserve the illusion for the Mrs. and kids?
Does dating help you get along with your wife? Or does it cause underlying friction?
You're in unusual territory. A map would be of utmost help.
What works to land dates?
You can get involved in communities in real life or online. You can also use the apps. I go into a little detail on both down below.
What are your dates like?
95% Usually coffee or walk in a public area but not so close to home.
Sometimes there are opportunities for real dates in restaurant, or hotel or parking lots (lol)
Lot of texting and messaging. Some married dating is exclusively online. Others prefer physical dates with extensive engagement online/messaging
What lengths are you going to in order to preserve the illusion for the Mrs. and kids?
The family and home are most important. You want to find dates that have the same priority. This puts time together at a premium and very precious.
Does dating help you get along with your wife? Or does it cause underlying friction?
In my case, wife doesn't know. She may suspect (I no longer initiate, no more resentment, I run a lot of "errands"). I treat it as dont ask, dont tell. I don't justify it. But in the past, when we have had the talk, she has suggested girlfriends or paid escorts. At first I was shocked, but then I suspected that she meant it. I've met a woman who said the same to her husband. She doesn't want to know if he does, but would be happy for him if some woman is rocking his world. But because I no longer initiate or feel resentment, there is less friction. And usally the friction is about less trivial things that don't get out of hand. So I suspect in that sense it helps.
And finally, there is no map. You have to write your own playbook. Here are some additional thoughts from my playbook.
I have had a some success compared to many married men from what I understand. Dating these days is not for the weak of heart. Married dating compared to regular dating is like comparing 3D chess played at 10x time lapse speed to checkers. Most of my dating starts online. But that does not mean there isn't opportunity "in the wild". I did not start from scratch though. I think I first started dabbling in 2017 and I wasn't even looking to dabble back then.
First off, even though married dating is challenging, there are women out there that want to date married men. From what I've seen there are a few categories I have come across
-Married also looking for married (happy but want more. Some are the cake eaters (discrete), some are ethical non monogamy or ENM (open marriage))
-Married looking for married (unhappy, bored housewives)
-Single but looking exclusively to date married men (Dad kink, older man kink or very attractive, very smart women looking for a specific thing (wisdom, maturity, life experience etc)
-Sugar mamas ($$$$)
Its not all black and white either, more shades of grey. And it is possible that along the way your GF or potential GF's life circumstances may change (get bored, get attached, serious illness, get divorced etc)
Next I would say think carefully about whether you really want to go down this path. At the end of the day, if discovered, you will be messing up a lot of lives, not just your own.
If you do think you want to go down this path, spend some time understanding yourself and what you really want. I think this point is super important and will have the most impact on your success or lack thereof. When you are talking to women, its super attractive when they come across a man that knows what they want. Most of the time people in general, including your potential partner, do not know what they want. This is also super important. Most people don't really know what a good relationship is, let alone one with a married man. And so this leads to a lot of bad choices. It is important to understand this because it will help you decipher who you want and don't want to get involved with.
The other thing I will say is that if you think women are picky about who they date, married women (my target demographic), are EXTREMELY choosy. The stakes are significantly higher and they will not just give it up for any man. It has to be a man worthy of their precious time and attention. To give you an example, some of the women I meet date cardiologist, professors, athletes, experts in their field etc. Thats the competition. So you have to prepared to bring something to the table if this is who you are targeting. It is possible to date sugar mamas (you will be giving up money) or maybe less choosy women who find something in you attractive, but I would emphasize this is more the exception rather than the rule.
It took me awhile to figure out what I bring to the table. But over the years, I've learned what I bring and I use that to my advantage. It goes without saying that what you bring to the table may not be what your potential dates might be looking for. Thats ok. You wish them well and move on. Don't get hung up on rejection. That comes with the territory.
If after all this you are not terrified to venture forth then keep scrolling.
So I think the old adage about the best way to meet women rings true even in married dating. Find something you love doing, a passion, a hobby and get involved with that community. For example, I am a big sports fan so my kids play all kinds of sports. I spend a lot of time with kids sports. There are a ton of available women with kids (divorced, widowed, unhappily married etc). In my case, I have a rule about not shitting where I eat. That means I don't date or flirt with people from work, or people my kids or spouse know. ITS JUST A BIG FUCKING NO. No amount of joy is worth the potential fallout. And believe me, it has been hard to not chase here simply because of the amount of time you spend with some of these people. Nonetheless I cited this because it is an example of finding opportunities in what you love. You will find opportunities with people you have common interest with. So if you enjoy hiking, join a hiking group. Or if you like fitness, cooking, art classes etc. I think this is the best way to meet people "in the wild" ITW.
Next online dating. As I mentioned, most of my approaches for potential dates are online. There are two ways that I'm aware of. Social media communities and the dating apps. My very first extra marital experience if you want to call it that, was in a social media community. I was a member of a health forum for men. I was pretty active in that community for a few few years. So you get to know other user, much like you do here. There was a woman on the forum who was looking into some health issue for her partners. Something I said caught her legitimate interest and so she reached out to ask me something on a direct message. After a few back and forth, we started some friendly banter, the banter got flirty, and then it was full on sexting and picture exchanges. I was shocked at myself. I never imagined I would do something like that, and so forth. From talking to other women, this is a pretty common occurrence. So guys if you your ladies are online a lot playing words with friends or whatever, she has probably met somebody named MikeInColorado. So if you have an interest in something, cars, sports, camping, nature etc. You can be pretty sure that there are social media communities out there that cater to those interests. And you can be pretty sure that there are women there. I would advise against joining communities specifically to meet women. Women have a sixth sense for filtering out fakes and wannabes. This is also true for meeting people in the wild. My advice is get active on these communities and show your personality, your passion and your expertise. More than likely, women will seek you out to laugh at your jokes, compliment a post, or find someway to engage with you. Most are genuine in nature. But those conversations will move beyond if there is mutual interest.
The other way to meet women online is through the dating apps. I am not a big fan of the apps because they are geared towards making money. That said, you can find ways in the apps to not shell out hundreds of dollars to meet women. Or, if you have no concerns with making this kind of an investment in yourself, then splunk down a couple of hundred dollars and make the most of it. I would say that its advisable to sign up and not engage right away. Feel your way around the apps first to get a feel for how they work. I have some funny stories not knowing what I was doing initially. I also did an experiment on Ashley Madison where I pretended to be a woman just to see what they get to see. That was a hilarious experiment. And I honestly came away feeling sorry for our gender. After getting a good feel for the apps, then start to view profiles of women you think you would like to meet and engage accordingly. At a minimum, when learning the ropes with the apps, learn some of the lingo and acronyms. FWB, M4F, HMU, etc.
The other thing about online dating is that you want to move away from the apps for communicating after the first few exchanges. Or be prepared to be asked to move to a different messaging platform. There are many out there like snapchat, kik, signal, telegram. Some people use instagram. I would advise against using Whatsapp, or facebook messenger. I personally use Telegram. One of the dates I connected with recommended it to me and so I've been using it ever since. And once you move to messaging, woman will want to hear your voice, see your face, video calls, exchange pics, send audio messages and so forth. So not only get comfortable with this, become proficient at it. One woman I met liked to send me audio of herself getting off. And she wanted me to send her audio telling her what I wanted to do, how I would want to do it. You may not be comfortable with that, but will miss out on that type of experience. So not only get comfortable with this, but become good at it and you will have an advantage other guys dont. Most guys can barely hold a conversation. And if she sends you a picture in lingerie, don't just say something dumb like "wow" or "nice". Let her know that the picture made you hard and you can't wait to devour her or express yourself in a way that she feels appreciated and desired. If she went through the trouble, make sure you show appreciation.
Learn how to hold a conversation online. If you can't hold a woman's interest, she will ghost you in no time. Thats ok too. Some women are only looking for a weekend hookup or sugar daddy. You need to keep an eye out for those. They usually ghost pretty quickly. But if a woman is interesting to you, you need to be able to move the conversation quickly to beyond, how you doing?
Some other helpful hints.
- Get a burner phone or phone number. Many of these apps require you to sign up with a number. ***DO NOT USE YOUR REAL PHONE NUMBER. EVER. EVER***
- Married dating is expensive (hotels, burner phones, coffees, restaurants). Get a prepaid credit card. Or if you can manage it get a credit card specifically for dating. And send the bill to a business office or an address that it not your home. And don't send it to your brother's or friends address where you put them in a position to compromise your clandestine activities.
- Make OPSEC your number 1 priority. Even before you dive into married dating, bone up on OPSEC so that you keep your activities undiscovered. This will bite you in the ass if you do not have your bases covered. And make sure your potential dates also have good OPSEC. Otherwise they are a liability.
- It always ends. The fairy tale doesn't last. So prepare yourself for the end. You may not even have a choice in how it ends. And you may never hear from them again. So be prepared.
So this only covers meeting people, not the actual dating. That is a whole other ball of wax. Like I said above, the expectations of married dating are higher so you need to be prepared to bring you A game if you expect to have some success in the dating.
Good luck!