TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97 
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by TheBumble on Mar 26, 2016 22:40:34 GMT -5
I've noticed, as I'm sure many of you have, a commonality in so many of our stories -- a spouse who also REFUSES to acknowledge, empathize with, or accept in any way our vocalized suffering and other communications about the walls crumbling all around us. They don't want to hear it, they turn it back on us as quickly as they can, they twist, they gaslight, they belittle and criticize.......they basically tell us to fuck off with our ridiculous 'emotions' and 'needs'. Gawd it sucks. To me, this is the biggest mindphuk of all, because over time it makes you doubt your very own feelings and thoughts about things. You no longer follow your heart, you don't trust your own intuition. You basically end up with very little idea of what's going on and the more you struggle the deeper you sink.
Over the past decade, we have had a handful of conversations about this issue.........I very clearly expressed what I was feeling........and then the claws always came out. I'd end up shredded. I don't know if it's just 'mine', or are most refusers this way? Man, they are GOOD at deflection and counter-attack. VERY good. Every single time I brought up the issue (not 'can we have sex', but just 'this is killing me and killing us'), I got shut down HARD. Twisted, gaslit. I was like a broken match running around with my head on fire after she got through with me EVERY time. The very last attempt I had to tell her how devastating this had become, she said, bitterly of course, that the sexlessness was "mutual, so don't you dare hang that on me!!" OMG. That's when I knew with 100% certainty there was no saving this. She has made herself really believe that - probably some kind of ego self-survival thing, I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist.
Would love to hear others experiences if this same thing happened to you frequently.........
|
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 27, 2016 0:51:29 GMT -5
years ago my husband went on a trip for 5 months. He wasn't the same when he came back. (to be honest, he'd also wanted a second wife and the kidz just got diagnosed with autism and he'd been complaining for years that I think about sex too much).
Well at night I'd come on to him, he just wanted to relax, "get away from me with that crap". I'd go to bed and cry myself to sleep, he wouldn't come to bed until I was already asleep, I'd be soooo "aroused" during the day, and the cycle began again.
I felt so ashamed. other women don't have these problems. Women complain about their partners wanting it too much, not at all. Then I quit trying because it just hurt too much.
he teased me about why I don't want sex anymore. HOw come you don't initiate? you're not the young thing you were anymore. I said because you won't quit rejecting me. He turned around so fast and called me a liar.
When I finally confronted him so many months ago for cheating, he laughed. talking about those "girls".
he blaimed me and the kidz for dragging him down to hell. it was our fault he committed this sin.
He kept on saying what do you want? I don't know how he does it, but he is soooo good at shutting me down.
|
|
miestas
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Age Range: 61-65
|
Post by miestas on Mar 27, 2016 14:12:56 GMT -5
>hmrypsi61:
Boy, do I know what you are talking about! You could be me talking. Absolutely amazing! I absolutely cannot mention anything about this to my wife unless I want to withstand literally DAYS of hate, blame, guilt and self-doubt. She will batter me with it for days, in front of the children (Your dad doesn't care enough about me to do so and so), employees (You know him, always feeling sorry for himself, never happy with what he's got), even strangers (oh, hey! She's looking at you! Why don't you go talk to her?).
God, I hate my life!
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Mar 27, 2016 14:40:10 GMT -5
No... I just get silence when I try to discuss intimacy or ask direct questions. Her reaction to problems is "ignore it and it'll go away". No soul-baring allowed.
DC
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2016 18:44:00 GMT -5
Yes, my wife is exactly like that. If I bring up anything that might remotely be about her, she refuses to talk about it, and brings up something that I have done that she claims is worse. The issues that I bring up are never addressed.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2016 9:00:03 GMT -5
Oh yes, the never ending mind games of a refuser! I went through something very similar to yours except my H was the master of avoidance and the subtle counter-attack. I can't even count the number of times I asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me (or variations of that question) and I never, ever got a straight answer. He would wind and twist the conversation around until I was left confused and wondering how this all got turned back on me. I know exactly what you mean about getting to the point that you no longer trust your own intuition and you're downright terrified to follow your heart. I felt like I lost myself - my confidence, my passion for life, my natural upbeat nature, all of it. I became this grayed out, shadow version of myself.
It took a number of things all happening over a relatively short period of time for me to get to the point where I could divorce, but one of the biggest was realizing that I no longer loved him. Actually, realizing that his decades of refusals had killed my love for him. I still cared about him and wanted the best for him, but realizing I didn't love him allowed me to stop trying to make him love me and start planning to make a happier life for myself.
|
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Mar 28, 2016 20:04:34 GMT -5
When you deny or repress your emotions over time it totally messes up your ability to know what you think about anything. In one of my favourite EP posts ever hrts said, 'I saw my sadness as "just an emotion" - something I had to overcome to keep my heart open so that our love would have a safe place to return to. But my emotions were an accurate reflection of reality. It was my choice to deny them, and I paid for that choice by losing my confidence that what I felt was right. When I lost touch with my ability to interpret my emotions as true indicators of my interaction with the world, I became vulnerable to doubts of all kinds. I was insecure- fundamentally insecure- and literally incapable of thinking clearly. I kept it from showing as much as possible, but that took even more energy.' Full link: www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/2337382 |
|
graessparrow
New Member
~One day you're going to wake up and realize that you should have tried...I was worth the fight~
Posts: 3 
|
Post by graessparrow on Mar 29, 2016 23:19:49 GMT -5
All I have ever gotten from my H was just a blank stare. I talked and talked on several occasions to a man who had no concern for a word that I was saying. The most he could usually muster was "I don't know what to tell ya." The talks stopped over a year ago. It's not just the refusal of the sex that is humiliating, it's also the refusal to discuss it. I always got up after talking to him and felt like such an idiot for exposing myself and my feelings only to be met with more rejection.
|
|
TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by TheBumble on Mar 30, 2016 3:07:13 GMT -5
graessparrow - EXACTLY! I think many many of us could have written the same thing. I gave up talking 3 years ago.....and just started preparing myself to get out. And in the meantime, it pisses me off because she surely thinks I have just 'accepted' her way......but nope, I've had my eyes on the highway ever since that last fruitless talk in which I, too, left feeling like an 8th grade eunuch.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 11:01:46 GMT -5
I always got up after talking to him and felt like such an idiot for exposing myself and my feelings only to be met with more rejection. Oh my gosh, yes! This is exactly how I always felt! You pour your heart out, proclaim your love and your desire for connection and you get....nothing. Remember though, the "idiot" is the one who can ignore another person's pain and suffering, not you. |
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Mar 31, 2016 11:04:15 GMT -5
Yes, my wife is exactly like that. If I bring up anything that might remotely be about her, she refuses to talk about it, and brings up something that I have done that she claims is worse. The issues that I bring up are never addressed. I totally recognize that! |
|
graessparrow
New Member
~One day you're going to wake up and realize that you should have tried...I was worth the fight~
Posts: 3
|
Post by graessparrow on Mar 31, 2016 11:05:18 GMT -5
I always got up after talking to him and felt like such an idiot for exposing myself and my feelings only to be met with more rejection. Oh my gosh, yes! This is exactly how I always felt! You pour your heart out, proclaim your love and your desire for connection and you get....nothing. Remember though, the "idiot" is the one who can ignore another person's pain and suffering, not you. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 0:07:31 GMT -5
sexless marriages are usually not about sex....
we could be:
fucked up marriage
dysfunctional marriage
hopeless marriage
on and on
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Apr 8, 2016 4:23:32 GMT -5
After 15 years of refusal, many, many discussions that went nowhere; when I had left and met someone else my XH said 'I didn't know it mattered that much to you.'
Prior to that he had laughed at me, ignored me, got angry. The final time he told me that I could lose another few lbs - I was 14lbs underweight already and he was 40lbs overweight. Even my psychiatrist wanted to confront him by then!
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 8, 2016 12:34:52 GMT -5
All I have ever gotten from my H was just a blank stare. I talked and talked on several occasions to a man who had no concern for a word that I was saying. The most he could usually muster was "I don't know what to tell ya." The talks stopped over a year ago. It's not just the refusal of the sex that is humiliating, it's also the refusal to discuss it. I always got up after talking to him and felt like such an idiot for exposing myself and my feelings only to be met with more rejection. Right there with you! I have begun to discuss things ( like the last minute grocery list as I go out the door) in front of my teenage children. So when she says, " well you have said a lot, I can't answer it all" I respond with, " how do you know? You haven't even tried! Start trying, go ahead! Then comes the silent stare, or " I don't know what to say!". so I tell her, " here is what you say, I am sorry, please forgive me, I was wrong, you were right, I should have posted a list like you said!" You can guess the response.....silent cold stare. that's when I leave and say, " make a list next time, and don't blame me for it!" Take ground, find your joy! |
|
