hotmale
New Member
Looking for answers
Posts: 3 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by hotmale on Jun 28, 2017 13:28:07 GMT -5
I've just joined and had a quick read of several threads so apologies if this has been discussed before. I just want to know whether anyone has ever come to this conclusion.......
I've never considered myself an attractive male, it's true now and it was true when I was a teen. Consequently I never had any luck with women and lost my virginity at a scandalously late age. My wife was the first person who seemed to be interested enough in me to consider having a long-term relationship with me. Interested enough to agree to marry me five years after I met her. But as my introduction will tell you the physical side started going downhill before we were married. I think it's a combination of two things, she isn't physically attracted to me and she has a remarkably low sex drive. She has no interest in other men or behaving in a sexual manner.
So here I am 22 year after the marriage and I have two options. Quit and find someone else or thank my lucky stars that all life's boxes are ticked apart from one which makes me luckier than most people on the planet. You can tell by the way I worded that I'm erring towards the latter. I mean what are the chances of me meeting someone else if I did quit? Pretty low huh? Maybe this is as good as life gets. Maybe I should thank my lucky stars I have a good life with a nice home, good job, healthy kids and lots of friends.
I find it helps to put your life in boxes and tick them off. My problem is that I do have a healthy sex drive and that unticked box is a big one.
I just want to know if anyone else out there has taken stock of their lives and has thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2017 13:36:19 GMT -5
I don't think in terms of this is as good as it gets. I think of it in terms of how to do the best you can with the cards you are dealt.
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bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by bigbossfan on Jun 28, 2017 13:39:46 GMT -5
"I just want to know if anyone else out there has taken stock of their lives and has thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets."
That has been my track of thought for at least the last 5-10 years. However, since arriving here and seeing that there are so many other people in the same predicament, and having read many of their experiences, it's giving me the balls to move closer to the edge in ending my SM.
As for your attractiveness, bud, we aren't all Brad Pitts. And given your age range, most ladies aren't just about the looks. This isn't high school anymore. Get some self-confidence (not to be rude, but it certainly sounds like you're lacking in that).....to me that should be step number one.
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Post by beachguy on Jun 28, 2017 14:05:46 GMT -5
Is this as good as it gets? My experience, having put in 10 more years than you have, is that it gets A LOT WORSE. Worse than you can imagine. Sit down sometime and chart your misery index, which has been climbing inexorably since your wedding day. Extrapolate 10 more years. Then 20. It might start going up exponentially. Your life, your personal chart. Hope it is better than mine and most others here.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 28, 2017 14:24:46 GMT -5
I've just joined and had a quick read of several threads so apologies if this has been discussed before. I just want to know whether anyone has ever come to this conclusion.......
I just want to know if anyone else out there has taken stock of their lives and has thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets. It is a valid question. One guy has it all going on well but poor sex life and discontented., Another has a wife who loves him but then gets cancer or a major surgery. Another an accident and her physical ability goes to the wayside. BUT when rejection is not something physical rather choice or an indifference, it is this unsettling pain we cannot get over. But we often stay because we have other things pretty good, and no assurance that the next go 'round will not revert to the same thing. So, if you can just press for sex all the time. Be direct and aloof at the same time. The aloofness will help you not get down when you hear no. You know the default answer is no, so just keep asking. The more direct rejections (versus the cat and mouse evading games) you get, the more determined you will become in busting out of the SM and grateful for it. BTW, I have seen many couples who are attracted to each others personalities and confidence over appearances. Get confident at home and it will convey on the streets. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2017 14:33:06 GMT -5
I suppose that I'm the flipside of beachguy. For me, the lack of intimacy (on all levels) bottomed out about 8 years ago when I was 42. Although my personal situation wasn't exactly the same as yours, the feelings certainly were. I have taken stock of my life and thought, "fuck it-is this the peak" many times and it ebbs and flows. For me, I decided that enough boxes were ticked that I had to either be OK with the one looming empty box or be done. Many people on this forum are somewhere around that point too so you're in good company. I chose to leave that box unticked but I didn't decide that I should settle in life for "meh".
In fact your subject line reminded me of a line from the US flick "As Good As It Gets". Somehow that line (below) always makes me smile and feel a little better, a little more grounded. I won't shit you though, your life may be fulfilling in other ways but that box will remain empty.
Carol Connelly: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-...
Melvin Udall: It's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 28, 2017 14:43:59 GMT -5
Is this as good as it gets? My experience, having put in 10 more years than you have, is that it gets A LOT WORSE. Worse than you can imagine. Sit down sometime and chart your misery index, which has been climbing inexorably since your wedding day. Extrapolate 10 more years. Then 20. It might start going up exponentially. Your life, your personal chart. Hope it is better than mine and most others here. This needs to be said abso-freaking-lutely. It can always get worse. And I dont know about any of you - but the years sort of start to run out and old age sorta creeps up. Time and Health - so easy to take these for granted. That is something I should be doing on a daily basis. Charting the "misery index" or to put a positive spin - aka Gratitude List (and what is really missing?) |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 28, 2017 17:59:37 GMT -5
I don't think in terms of this is as good as it gets. I think of it in terms of how to do the best you can with the cards you are dealt. To a large degree, we are dealt the proverbial cards. However for hotmale, I see him as many of us here; his life goes along as it should it's "all very nice, but not very good" to quote Manilow. It's very nice for us because we do make a lot of decisions deemed responsible that keep us from many of the hardships others seem to have naturally. When in reality it is often just plain irresponsibility with a consequence vs. bad cards. Bottom line, hotmale is overall responsible and has a lot of his check boxes marked. BUT THEN THERE IS THIS BOX THAT SEEMS TO OUTSIZE ALL THE OTHERS COMBINED!
So we have all this good stuff going on - the dream - but yet we are not content? We are on this site after all! So there it is, we see the right result from so many of our life decisions BUT no matter what we do (or don't do) in the marriage, the result is elusive and we cannot control the outcome. It's the "human factor". What should makes marriage so good can also have the 180 degree affect. We have spent years trying everything but still not the predicted outcome. That's why the question can arise "is this as good as it gets?" We got no more tricks up our sleeves and it's now all just ho-hum, but we want to be wanted. I presume our actual needs are deeper than the controllable superficiality so we would consider trading most of it in for that one big box to get checked. |
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Post by baza on Jun 28, 2017 20:28:47 GMT -5
In an ILIASM shithole, there is one pretty reliable assumption you can safely make.
"Today" is the high water mark.
And however God-awful "today" might be, it is going to be worse tomorrow.
Yes, this is "as good as it is going to get".
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Post by shamwow on Jun 28, 2017 21:23:55 GMT -5
I've just joined and had a quick read of several threads so apologies if this has been discussed before. I just want to know whether anyone has ever come to this conclusion.......
I've never considered myself an attractive male, it's true now and it was true when I was a teen. Consequently I never had any luck with women and lost my virginity at a scandalously late age. My wife was the first person who seemed to be interested enough in me to consider having a long-term relationship with me. Interested enough to agree to marry me five years after I met her. But as my introduction will tell you the physical side started going downhill before we were married. I think it's a combination of two things, she isn't physically attracted to me and she has a remarkably low sex drive. She has no interest in other men or behaving in a sexual manner.
So here I am 22 year after the marriage and I have two options. Quit and find someone else or thank my lucky stars that all life's boxes are ticked apart from one which makes me luckier than most people on the planet. You can tell by the way I worded that I'm erring towards the latter. I mean what are the chances of me meeting someone else if I did quit? Pretty low huh? Maybe this is as good as life gets. Maybe I should thank my lucky stars I have a good life with a nice home, good job, healthy kids and lots of friends.
I find it helps to put your life in boxes and tick them off. My problem is that I do have a healthy sex drive and that unticked box is a big one.
I just want to know if anyone else out there has taken stock of their lives and has thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets. I absolutetely did that. I looked at my life and thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets. And another half decade or two passed me by and I snapped. And now I know I was wrong... Expensive tuition, right? |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2017 21:51:15 GMT -5
I've just joined and had a quick read of several threads so apologies if this has been discussed before. I just want to know whether anyone has ever come to this conclusion.......
I've never considered myself an attractive male, it's true now and it was true when I was a teen. Consequently I never had any luck with women and lost my virginity at a scandalously late age. My wife was the first person who seemed to be interested enough in me to consider having a long-term relationship with me. Interested enough to agree to marry me five years after I met her. But as my introduction will tell you the physical side started going downhill before we were married. I think it's a combination of two things, she isn't physically attracted to me and she has a remarkably low sex drive. She has no interest in other men or behaving in a sexual manner.
So here I am 22 year after the marriage and I have two options. Quit and find someone else or thank my lucky stars that all life's boxes are ticked apart from one which makes me luckier than most people on the planet. You can tell by the way I worded that I'm erring towards the latter. I mean what are the chances of me meeting someone else if I did quit? Pretty low huh? Maybe this is as good as life gets. Maybe I should thank my lucky stars I have a good life with a nice home, good job, healthy kids and lots of friends.
I find it helps to put your life in boxes and tick them off. My problem is that I do have a healthy sex drive and that unticked box is a big one.
I just want to know if anyone else out there has taken stock of their lives and has thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets.I It's up to you if you say "fuck it, it's as good as it gets." That means that you are choosing not to grow and change since you were a teen. 1. Not only is it true that odds get better for men as they age because men die before women so the ratio is more in their favor, but things that attracted women when you were young no longer are considered that attractive. For instance, personality becomes more important as one gets older. 2. You can choose to become more interesting by developing interests and not stagnating. Learning new things, getting involved in new activiities, making new friends-- all of those things can make you more appealing. 3. Doing things like getting fit, losing weight, learning how to dress to show off your best features also can help you become more attractive. 4. Becoming a good conversationalist who listens with interest to people as well as tells good stories also is appealing. A person who hits their peak as a teen will probably be dull and unappealing. A person who evolves over the decades can have a lot to offer, and be appreciated for whom they have become. You can settle for the best you could get years ago or you could become a person who believes you deserves better and does. Written by a former wallflower -- was not asked to dance one dance while in high school (I don't mean asked to a dance, I mean asked to dance), but am now -- after divorce-- four years with the love of my life, a great guy whom I love, and who loves, romances and sexes me the way I've always desired. And I'm 65! |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 28, 2017 22:24:57 GMT -5
I've just joined and had a quick read of several threads so apologies if this has been discussed before. I just want to know whether anyone has ever come to this conclusion.......
I've never considered myself an attractive male, it's true now and it was true when I was a teen. Consequently I never had any luck with women and lost my virginity at a scandalously late age. My wife was the first person who seemed to be interested enough in me to consider having a long-term relationship with me. Interested enough to agree to marry me five years after I met her. But as my introduction will tell you the physical side started going downhill before we were married. I think it's a combination of two things, she isn't physically attracted to me and she has a remarkably low sex drive. She has no interest in other men or behaving in a sexual manner.
So here I am 22 year after the marriage and I have two options. Quit and find someone else or thank my lucky stars that all life's boxes are ticked apart from one which makes me luckier than most people on the planet. You can tell by the way I worded that I'm erring towards the latter. I mean what are the chances of me meeting someone else if I did quit? Pretty low huh? Maybe this is as good as life gets. Maybe I should thank my lucky stars I have a good life with a nice home, good job, healthy kids and lots of friends.
I find it helps to put your life in boxes and tick them off. My problem is that I do have a healthy sex drive and that unticked box is a big one.
I just want to know if anyone else out there has taken stock of their lives and has thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets.I It's up to you if you say "fuck it, it's as good as it gets." That means that you are choosing not to grow and change since you were a teen. 1. Not only is it true that odds get better for men as they age because men die before women so the ratio is more in their favor, but things that attracted women when you were young no longer are considered that attractive. For instance, personality becomes more important as one gets older. 2. You can choose to become more interesting by developing interests and not stagnating. Learning new things, getting involved in new activiities, making new friends-- all of those things can make you more appealing. 3. Doing things like getting fit, losing weight, learning how to dress to show off your best features also can help you become more attractive. 4. Becoming a good conversationalist who listens with interest to people as well as tells good stories also is appealing. A person who hits their peak as a teen will probably be dull and unappealing. A person who evolves over the decades can have a lot to offer, and be appreciated for whom they have become. You can settle for the best you could get years ago or you could become a person who believes you deserves better and does. Written by a former wallflower -- was not asked to dance one dance while in high school (I don't mean asked to a dance, I mean asked to dance), but am now -- after divorce-- four years with the love of my life, a great guy whom I love, and who loves, romances and sexes me the way I've always desired. And I'm 65! What northstarmom said! You need to learn to love yourself. Your post doesn't appear to convey any love of who you are. This saddens me. Checking off the boxes of life? Some how society has damaged us and told us what we are supposed to do. What do you REALLY want? It's time to explore who you are, what you truly love, and what have you always dreamed of. It's time for you to love YOU! I had to have a therapist point this out to me. I spent my life taking care of others - again society teaches us that we need to sacrifice ourselves for others - and it's complete bullshit. I hope you are able to dig deep and learn to love who you are. Inside and out! You are a beautiful person and you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. (((HUGS))) and please keep us updated on your progress. Love you, and then everything else falls in line. |
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Post by bran127 on Jun 29, 2017 0:19:12 GMT -5
Sure! I have absolutely said "fuck it" and tried to just accept it. I tried to accept the fact that my SM was just the way it was going to be and I would just have to suck it up and deal with it. I stopped initiating and somehow made a decision to accept it as my "normal". The problem with that is it is not sustainable. I still get angry about it, I still get sad, I still feel rejected even though I stopped trying almost 2 years ago. I was lying to myself. It isn't normal and it hurts when you truly realize it. The fuck it phase is temporary and I always end up back in the same place. My self esteem is shot as well, but I have to remind myself that I have a choice to accept or change. I have given tmy refuser the power to make me feel like no one else could possibly want me because He doesn't, but I alsoI have the power to tell my refuser to fuck himself and leave. I am just now learning how deep it flows.
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 29, 2017 2:46:15 GMT -5
I've just joined and had a quick read of several threads so apologies if this has been discussed before. I just want to know whether anyone has ever come to this conclusion.......
I've never considered myself an attractive male, it's true now and it was true when I was a teen. Consequently I never had any luck with women and lost my virginity at a scandalously late age. My wife was the first person who seemed to be interested enough in me to consider having a long-term relationship with me. Interested enough to agree to marry me five years after I met her. But as my introduction will tell you the physical side started going downhill before we were married. I think it's a combination of two things, she isn't physically attracted to me and she has a remarkably low sex drive. She has no interest in other men or behaving in a sexual manner.
So here I am 22 year after the marriage and I have two options. Quit and find someone else or thank my lucky stars that all life's boxes are ticked apart from one which makes me luckier than most people on the planet. You can tell by the way I worded that I'm erring towards the latter. I mean what are the chances of me meeting someone else if I did quit? Pretty low huh? Maybe this is as good as life gets. Maybe I should thank my lucky stars I have a good life with a nice home, good job, healthy kids and lots of friends.
I find it helps to put your life in boxes and tick them off. My problem is that I do have a healthy sex drive and that unticked box is a big one.
I just want to know if anyone else out there has taken stock of their lives and has thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets. yes, f ya. Also you can make a mistake and say sorry later. I needed an adventure from what was and joined match.com. I told my wife about it (so we can have one instead), but her response was that she thinks we should divorce. She changed her mind a couple of days later and decided to make us better. We should do as Bilbo Baggins sometimes and face a dragon and goblins. Stay safe though. (Also, I kinda look like Gollum.) |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 29, 2017 8:34:25 GMT -5
I've just joined and had a quick read of several threads so apologies if this has been discussed before. I just want to know whether anyone has ever come to this conclusion.......
I've never considered myself an attractive male, it's true now and it was true when I was a teen. Consequently I never had any luck with women and lost my virginity at a scandalously late age. My wife was the first person who seemed to be interested enough in me to consider having a long-term relationship with me. Interested enough to agree to marry me five years after I met her. But as my introduction will tell you the physical side started going downhill before we were married. I think it's a combination of two things, she isn't physically attracted to me and she has a remarkably low sex drive. She has no interest in other men or behaving in a sexual manner.
So here I am 22 year after the marriage and I have two options. Quit and find someone else or thank my lucky stars that all life's boxes are ticked apart from one which makes me luckier than most people on the planet. You can tell by the way I worded that I'm erring towards the latter. I mean what are the chances of me meeting someone else if I did quit? Pretty low huh? Maybe this is as good as life gets. Maybe I should thank my lucky stars I have a good life with a nice home, good job, healthy kids and lots of friends.
I find it helps to put your life in boxes and tick them off. My problem is that I do have a healthy sex drive and that unticked box is a big one.
I just want to know if anyone else out there has taken stock of their lives and has thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets. I absolutetely did that. I looked at my life and thought fuck it. This is as good as it gets. And another half decade or two passed me by and I snapped. And now I know I was wrong ... Expensive tuition, right? Yes dearly expensive. We do NOT get the years back. This needs to be burned in my brain. |
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