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Post by twotimesone on Jun 27, 2017 22:50:29 GMT -5
Well. Here's the story. I have a friend that I know which I once dated for a while, but I broke up with her and decided to marry my current W. Since then she got married and I got married. With the current situation with our SM, I have been looking at "alternative choices."
Recently I have been thinking of having an affair with my old flame, not to break up and marry her, but to have a social and emotional affair. I not sure what she would say. So the other day I asked her to go out to lunch and she says no prob, we talked, I complemented her but I just couldn't break the ice about talking about my question.
The thing is that I could not gage if she is happy or unhappy with her marriage, but I recall one time she blurted out in front of our friends that she wants to divorce him. Not sure if she means it or not, but maybe I could break the ice with asking her with that question. But I am not sure if this would be bad for our friendship.
Not sure what you ladies have experience with situations like this and what happens when a guy ask you this question. But I am not sure that what I am doing is a bridge too far. Thanks.
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Post by baza on Jun 27, 2017 23:07:35 GMT -5
Previous post you got the spiel about seeing a lawyer and all, so there's no point in rehashing that.
This time, mebbe "the other woman" needs to be addressed.
If she is truly a friend, would you actually be ok with dragging her into an already dysfunctional situation and running all the risks of the fall out that the cheating option potentially entails ?
If she started to develop feelings for you would you be ok with that ?
Would you be ok with dumping her when you got caught and your missus went apeshit ?
Might be worth thinking on those matters.
Peripheral other matters.
Is her husband a gun owner ?
Does he have a short fuse ?
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Post by JMX on Jun 27, 2017 23:18:42 GMT -5
I am not going to be a total dick about this - because cheating is something I have been sincerely contemplating. However, the way you are going about this seems a little immature, TBH.
At least, be more creative than you ex that didn't make the cut - who is also having a rough time in her marriage.
I cannot think of a situation more trite than that. All marriages can be rough.
Very much more interested in more of your back story for proper context.
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Post by twotimesone on Jun 27, 2017 23:31:33 GMT -5
Look, I am perfectly fine if she says no to the affair. For my sm, I actually outsourced but I rather go with someone who is smart and whitty than someone who I want to screw with. Personally I am not that crazy about sex itself but I care more about emotional attachment with someone else.
Yes, it does sound a little immature and stuff. But my main question for mostly for the ladies who are married, if another married guy who you know asked, what would be your response.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Jun 27, 2017 23:43:07 GMT -5
Look, I am perfectly fine if she says no to the affair. For my sm, I actually outsourced but I rather go with someone who is smart and whitty than someone who I want to screw with. Personally I am not that crazy about sex itself but I care more about emotional attachment with someone else. Yes, it does sound a little immature and stuff. But my main question for mostly for the ladies who are married, if another married guy who you know asked, what would be your response. Why the rush? Why blurt it out? Why not ask her out for coffee again. Then again. Then maybe dinner or a movie. If she's not interested you'll soon get the message. The other seems a tad forthright to me. She may in fact be up for it, but that may be the thing that puts her off. |
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Post by twotimesone on Jun 27, 2017 23:47:32 GMT -5
Look, I am perfectly fine if she says no to the affair. For my sm, I actually outsourced but I rather go with someone who is smart and whitty than someone who I want to screw with. Personally I am not that crazy about sex itself but I care more about emotional attachment with someone else. Yes, it does sound a little immature and stuff. But my main question for mostly for the ladies who are married, if another married guy who you know asked, what would be your response. Why the rush? Why blurt it out? Why not ask her out for coffee again. Then again. Then maybe dinner or a movie. If she's not interested you'll soon get the message. The other seems a tad forthright to me. She may in fact be up for it, but that may be the thing that puts her off. You know, that's a good idea. I guess if she doesn't like me, maybe I will get the hint. |
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Post by JMX on Jun 27, 2017 23:50:39 GMT -5
Look, I am perfectly fine if she says no to the affair. For my sm, I actually outsourced but I rather go with someone who is smart and whitty than someone who I want to screw with. Personally I am not that crazy about sex itself but I care more about emotional attachment with someone else. Yes, it does sound a little immature and stuff. But my main question for mostly for the ladies who are married, if another married guy who you know asked, what would be your response. I am a lady - I am married. I don't think your game is on point yet. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jun 28, 2017 0:16:53 GMT -5
I agree with seabreeze... I think you need to ease into it more.
I haven't outsourced so I cannot say with any certainty about anything (and obviously I am not said friend or you) but I would say ease into things.
Talk, text, meet for coffee, enjoy her company and conversation. When you start really talking the marriage issues and non issues will come up. You will be able to gauge if she is happy without putting her on the spot. I would say all good marriages have bad days, so taking her word on one quick question is less telling than how she talks about him and them over multiple conversations.
Also, don't be so blunt about asking to be her AP. If she is really not into it, it could cause drama and possible rumors. If she is really overwhelmed with the bluntness of the proposal she may feel the need to tell someone, which is clearly bad for you.
So, take it slow... you have time, you aren't going anywhere!
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2017 6:26:57 GMT -5
When I was getting divorced, a male acquaintance asked me to lunch, told me about his miserable marriage and then propositioned me.
I was insulted and since then, nod when I see him and Then I keep walking.
Keep in mind that regardless of the state of her marriage, your friend may be like me and not date married men under any circumstances.
Or she could be like some women in unhappy marriages who think a fling with a friend is a ticket to divorce and a new marriage.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 28, 2017 6:39:36 GMT -5
On this question I am really in the boat with baz. "Friend" being the operative word in your post about trying to recruit this woman as an affair partner.
I am getting mixed messages from your posts. You have said you want an emotional component with a partner but also say you don't the complications another woman(assuming you're talking meaning full relationship)brings so the marriage dynamic. At this point it doesn't seem well thought out.
Also I don't get the read that you have given a great deal of consideration of the potential impact or effect an affair could push into this other woman's life. It just comes across as self centered. Sorry, but that's how it reads.
I disagree with what the ladies seem to be saying. What I see from the ladies looks like a path of seduction.
My thoughts are toward a more honest approach for both of you if you are approaching this as basically another GFE.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 28, 2017 6:55:33 GMT -5
When I was a married woman and I outsourced, I went online with a complete stranger. Met in an area neither of us have connections and can run into people.
If you are going to rob the bank then you don't tell anyone.
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Post by Dan on Jun 28, 2017 8:15:50 GMT -5
I agree with seabreeze... I think you need to ease into it more. ... So, take it slow... you have time, you aren't going anywhere! I agree with seabr33z3 and mrslowmaintenance ... mostly. Take is slow is best here, IF what you want most is to not mess up the friendship. One tiny caveat: if in fact she is hot to trot... expecting you to ask/offer an affair and actually desirous of it... THEN if you take too long, you may also lose your opportunity. She may wait for a while for you to broach the subject, and after it not ever being brought up, she will quench her own fire and interest... and you will be "friend zoned". Don't take it TOO SLOW, IF what you want most is a shot at a more intimate relationship. The "middle path" I can imagine is this: basically, disclose that you are unhappy in your marriage, and that you have gone outside of it in the past. If this does not disgust her, ask obliquely if she has ever considered the same. If you haven't lost her yet, mention you are considering looking again, if the right person comes along. You can decide based on her reaction if and when it might be possible to ask her if she would consider that with YOU. This is just a way to bring it up. It may be in one discussion, or over the course of several separate discussions. The two main downsides are: you STILL may lose her as a friend; if she REALLY doesn't like this, you now have someone who knows you are a philanderer, and you don't know who else she'll tell. Those are pretty big risks. But -- sometimes -- "nothing ventured, nothing gained". Choose your own path! |
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Post by twotimesone on Jun 28, 2017 8:32:24 GMT -5
I agree with seabreeze... I think you need to ease into it more. ... So, take it slow... you have time, you aren't going anywhere! I agree with seabr33z3 and mrslowmaintenance ... mostly. The "middle path" I can imagine is this: basically, disclose that you are unhappy in your marriage, and that you have gone outside of it in the past. If this does not disgust her, ask obliquely if she has ever considered the same. If you haven't lost her yet, mention you are considering looking again, if the right person comes along. You can decide based on her reaction if and when it might be possible to ask her if she would consider that with YOU. Thanks. I think I might disclose that I am unhappy with my marriage and not discuss anything about going outside the marriage yet. Sometimes I think 10 steps ahead and that's not a good idea. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 28, 2017 8:37:17 GMT -5
I agree with seabreeze... I think you need to ease into it more. ... So, take it slow... you have time, you aren't going anywhere! I agree with seabr33z3 and mrslowmaintenance ... mostly. Take is slow is best here, IF what you want most is to not mess up the friendship. One tiny caveat: if in fact she is hot to trot... expecting you to ask/offer an affair and actually desirous of it... THEN if you take too long, you may also lose your opportunity. She may wait for a while for you to broach the subject, and after it not ever being brought up, she will quench her own fire and interest... and you will be "friend zoned". Don't take it TOO SLOW, IF what you want most is a shot at a more intimate relationship. The "middle path" I can imagine is this: basically, disclose that you are unhappy in your marriage, and that you have gone outside of it in the past. If this does not disgust her, ask obliquely if she has ever considered the same. If you haven't lost her yet, mention you are considering looking again, if the right person comes along. You can decide based on her reaction if and when it might be possible to ask her if she would consider that with YOU. This is just a way to bring it up. It may be in one discussion, or over the course of several separate discussions. The two main downsides are: you STILL may lose her as a friend; if she REALLY doesn't like this, you now have someone who knows you are a philanderer, and you don't know who else she'll tell. Those are pretty big risks. But -- sometimes -- "nothing ventured, nothing gained". Choose your own path! @dan Has got it right. Perhaps a little "Body Language" & "Read the Signs" reminder is in order: - Check out her BODY LANGUAGE if she is interested: YES signs (can come in "clusters") is she twisting or twittling her hair, is she rubbing her necklace or jewelry, are her feet pointing at you? Is she leaning towards you? Is she sitting with arms down or crossed? Google eyes? Does she laugh a lot at things that are normally not that funny NO signs = pulls her clothes in (e.g., closes her sweater or jacket), any indication of clothing being used to close off? Is she covering her face with her fingers or hands? Sits at a distance? IOW - while @dan makes an excellent point of "going slowly" - I would just add that if you pay close attention to her body language as you discuss this . . . you really should know the answer before you ask it. Good Luck and keep us posted ! ! ! |
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Post by Dan on Jun 28, 2017 8:42:49 GMT -5
Thanks. I think I might disclose that I am unhappy with my marriage and not discuss anything about going outside the marriage yet. Sometimes I think 10 steps ahead and that's not a good idea. OK my turn to ask you a question: If you've decided that your marriage is in a bad enough state that you are pursuing in outsourcing... then why are you preferring outsourcing over making an exit plan? |
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