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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 25, 2017 22:42:06 GMT -5
I say I am here for my children.
I wonder what damage my unhealthy marriage does to my children.
I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. How much of me must I compromise? Can I truly let hubs go and still remain in this home with him?
I just don't know.
Why do you stay?
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jun 25, 2017 22:49:11 GMT -5
I stay because I think, with work, we can get though this hurdle and be happier than ever.
Amongst other reasons: young child, college, finances, family, resources, emotional support, etc
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Post by baza on Jun 26, 2017 1:17:46 GMT -5
There's 4 main views of "the kids" issue.
#1 - holds that you must stay for the kids to provide a stable base. This choice being based on the kids best interests.
#2 - holds that you must leave, so you are not modelling a dysfunctional situation for them to pay the price for in their adult relationships later on. This choice is also based on the kids best interests.
#3 - holds that the only decent thing in your marriage is the kids and you want to stay as close to them as you can. This choice is actually based on your best interests, not the kids.
#4 - actually has nothing to do with the kids. In this one you are so shit frightened by the prospect of leaving for an uncertain future that you hide behind the "staying for the kids" as your *public* reason for staying. This choice is based on your best interests, not the kids.
They are all pretty awful choices, all as valid as each other, there is no "right" choice.
Thing is though, although they are all awful choices, you don't get a pass.
No-one gets a pass.
You still have to choose or accept the default choice.
All I can suggest is that you look deep into yourself, and be brutally honest with yourself about who's interests you are truly trying to look after.
My personal opinion (worth jack shit) is that leaving for the kids - so they were not exposed to the dysfunctional dynamic - seemed the most appropriate.
BUT I DID NOT HAVE THE COURAGE OF MY CONVICTIONS at the time, and I did NOT do this. I floated on in the status quo - effectively #4, above.
And given the assorted relationships my kids have gotten in to as adults, it is a "non-choice" I deeply regret in hindsight.
NB - this is not advice, nor a suggestion, nor naming any of the choices as being superior to the others. It's a personal anecdote, nothing more.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2017 1:25:34 GMT -5
There's 4 main views of "the kids" issue. #1 - holds that you must stay for the kids to provide a stable base. This choice being based on the kids best interests. #2 - holds that you must leave, so you are not modelling a dysfunctional situation for them to pay the price for in their adult relationships later on. This choice is also based on the kids best interests. #3 - holds that the only decent thing in your marriage is the kids and you want to stay as close to them as you can. This choice is actually based on your best interests, not the kids. #4 - actually has nothing to do with the kids. In this one you are so shit frightened by the prospect of leaving for an uncertain future that you hide behind the "staying for the kids" as your *public* reason for staying. This choice is based on your best interests, not the kids. They are all pretty awful choices, all as valid as each other, there is no "right" choice. Thing is though, although they are all awful choices, you don't get a pass. No-one gets a pass. You still have to choose or accept the default choice. All I can suggest is that you look deep into yourself, and be brutally honest with yourself about who's interests you are truly trying to look after. My personal opinion (worth jack shit) is that leaving for the kids - so they were not exposed to the dysfunctional dynamic - seemed the most appropriate. BUT I DID NOT HAVE THE COURAGE OF MY CONVICTIONS at the time, and I did NOT do this. And given the assorted relationships my kids have gotten in to as adults, it is a "non-choice" I deeply regret in hindsight. NB - this is not advice, nor a suggestion, nor naming any of the choices as being superior to the others. It's a personal anecdote, nothing more. I can be a blunt responder on here. But we have to remember that we can't undermine people's reasons to stay. They are in a tough enough situation as it is and this is supposed to be a safe place to drop our thoughts. |
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jun 26, 2017 2:15:26 GMT -5
I have asked myself this very question numerous times and the answer keeps changing. To be really honest, I don't know why I am still in my marriage. I can say that depending on my mental state it's one of the following:
- Kids: I know that my kids seeing how my wife and I interact is not good, but at the same time, I love them and I have a real difficult time picturing them not living with me. My psychologist believes that I could get full custody of my children in a divorce but that's not what I want either, I don't want to take them away from their mother.
- I'm a coward: I have serious problems standing up to my wife, I know this, and it's a big part of why I am still here. She knows exactly what buttons to push to get the reaction she wants.
- Guilt: I feel guilty when I think of leaving, like I am abandoning not only my wife but my children and extended family as well.
I am at the point where I feel like I am wasting my time, the time of others, and my psychologists time by even discussing this. Until I pull my shit together, I don't feel like I have the right to complain about anything. I'd also like to mention that it took a lot for me to write what you see above, if you are going to respond, please try to make it as helpful as you can.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 26, 2017 6:45:59 GMT -5
"My psychologist believes that I could get full custody of my children in a divorce but that's not what I want either, I don't want to take them away from their mother."
If your wife is that dysfunctional a parent, you would be helping your kids by taking them away from her.
My dad was an angry, hostile, verbally abusive and threatening man. My mom stayed "for the children" despite my asking her to leave.
I have never been grateful that she stayed. I'm in my 60s and still am healing from growing up in that atmosphere. I also have long realized that my mother stayed for herself. She was afraid of how others would regard her if she divorced.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 26, 2017 6:55:53 GMT -5
I was in the stay for the kids camp but leaning how my W's parents sexless marriage affected her views and she precived a SM as normal, I will not stay. I will not model that behavior for my children and risk my kids being a refuser in a SM.
I know they could see the pain in me from being refused and choose to not be a refuser, but I don't want to take that chance.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 26, 2017 8:30:40 GMT -5
Hoping, sounds like a good decision. Incidentally, my experience was growing up in a sm helped me become the refused in a sm.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 26, 2017 10:19:15 GMT -5
Just for clarification, the W is working on turning her views of sex around. I am hopeful that things will be fixed and we will have the sex life that I need and will happily be staying in the marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2017 11:59:23 GMT -5
I stayed because I did not want to be a part time dad. I love my daughters and not being with them on a daily basis would have been terrible.
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Post by beachguy on Jun 29, 2017 16:19:32 GMT -5
...my experience was growing up in a sm helped me become the refused in a sm. Same here |
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Post by twotimesone on Jun 29, 2017 20:46:20 GMT -5
I stay but have sex with providers. Less money, but at least it keeps my sanity when I go home.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 29, 2017 21:13:47 GMT -5
There's 4 main views of "the kids" issue. #1 - holds that you must stay for the kids to provide a stable base. This choice being based on the kids best interests. #2 - holds that you must leave, so you are not modelling a dysfunctional situation for them to pay the price for in their adult relationships later on. This choice is also based on the kids best interests. #3 - holds that the only decent thing in your marriage is the kids and you want to stay as close to them as you can. This choice is actually based on your best interests, not the kids. #4 - actually has nothing to do with the kids. In this one you are so shit frightened by the prospect of leaving for an uncertain future that you hide behind the "staying for the kids" as your *public* reason for staying. This choice is based on your best interests, not the kids. They are all pretty awful choices, all as valid as each other, there is no "right" choice. Thing is though, although they are all awful choices, you don't get a pass. No-one gets a pass. You still have to choose or accept the default choice. All I can suggest is that you look deep into yourself, and be brutally honest with yourself about who's interests you are truly trying to look after. My personal opinion (worth jack shit) is that leaving for the kids - so they were not exposed to the dysfunctional dynamic - seemed the most appropriate. BUT I DID NOT HAVE THE COURAGE OF MY CONVICTIONS at the time, and I did NOT do this. I floated on in the status quo - effectively #4, above. And given the assorted relationships my kids have gotten in to as adults, it is a "non-choice" I deeply regret in hindsight. NB - this is not advice, nor a suggestion, nor naming any of the choices as being superior to the others. It's a personal anecdote, nothing more. Thank you baza. I stay for the kids. My son is aware of my open marriage and while he doesn't approve, last summer both his dad & myself sat down and I told my son I felt more pressure from him to leave than any pressure I ever felt from my husband. Hubs and I are one on this. I think I needed a reminder, hence my post. I still concern myself with the modeled behavior. I have been discussing love with my daughter and I want to make sure she finds what she is looking for in a relationship. My son models my husbands behavior and I need to spend more time with him, talking to him and reminding him that there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved in any relationship. Again Baz, Thank you. I know you've gone through this and I only have a few years left of an open marriage which helps me survive. I wish I could teach my kids the lessons they would see when I am with him instead of with hubs. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 30, 2017 6:20:34 GMT -5
@venus Erotes
Does your son understand why sex can't happen in your H? If not that might be a big piece of the understanding puzzle that your son is missing. But kids are young and don't have the experience/ knowledge to full understand.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 30, 2017 7:10:57 GMT -5
"I stay for the kids".
My response is " I am leaving for the kids".
I am offering them a better life style. I waited. I waited until the youngest. was a teenager. I waited 25 yrs of marriage, 19 yrs of raising children. Now they are all teens, and it has gotten to a point where they see it. It's blatantly obvious, how much all of us avoid, and tolerate, their mothers selfish controlling life style.
I am offering them an alternative. 50% of time. Time with me, but mostly time away from the controller. As the kids get older and more independent her control weakens. They are busy with school, homework, work, friends, and computer games. This makes avoiding the zero caring ,non intimacy, self absorbed, "parent" that much easier.
I tell them "there are going to be boundaries with consequences, at my house. Things will be different. Some things that I believe have been far too strong, far to controlling, will be lifted. While other things that your mother has twisted, annihilated, misconstrued, about simple discipline over household responsibilities, doing your part, and respect, will be brought back to a balance." I will be a happier, more confident person to be around too! ( I think all of us will!)
Many of them like that. They are tired of being taken advantage of. Constantly dealing with double standards. Dealing with false, lazy excuses. " You need to keep reminding me, I'll get to that, I never said that, I don't remember that, whatever, that's not my problem, that's not my concern, That's a luxury, we can't afford that, but what about....? ( it's not just sex and intimacy. The same crap gets dealt to the rest of the family. And they avoid it too)
It's like so many other stories, when all the kids are off to college, and the divorce happens. The adult children say things like, " what took you so long? I don't want to be like that!, Mom/Dad treated you so badly, we understand and wanted it sooner."
So yes, I am leaving. I am taking them with me. For the good of the whole family.
A major tipping point for me was when our therapist told us, " the two of you are giving your kids a terrible example of what a loving, giving, caring, relationship aught to be!"
One last point: Another adult in the house. The Intruder. Not to many of you have had to deal with this yet. Wait until mom or dad, FIL, or MIL, comes to live with you. Imagine someone who already disrespects you, (the refuser) and barely gives you crumbs. Now your competing with another adult, their parent! I n my case, I get to see how she is controlling over her father too. He's just the right person for her. He is co-dependant, he calls her the boss. She loves having him around (his checkbook) makes her look so honorable.
People must think, " your a wonderful daughter. Your a wonderful mother, your a wonderful provider, your a wonderful wife. why she just thinks she's..... WONDERFUL!"
Me the husband? why... I am the looser,ogre, cheater, deadbeat or abuser. The divorce didn't have ANYTHING to do with Crazy and her behavior.
All just "control Freakery".
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