|
|
Post by hungrylikethewolf on Jun 30, 2017 17:42:05 GMT -5
I stay because of the family, but also because everything else is great. I'm lucky in all areas but sex...and sometimes that's a huge issue. And sometimes, it's not
|
|
|
|
Post by carl on Jun 30, 2017 18:39:38 GMT -5
In my experience someone who constantly declines sex to a deprived partner without care or sorrow has a very cruel side to them. The cruelty shocks me. I could never imagine doing that however difficult things were. So who on earth would leave children with such a cold hearted person. There is something almost sinister about that person. A side to them, a sexual side, that is uncaring and cruel, passively aggressive, torturing. It is very unsettling to leave children around someone who deprives an adult of relieve from anguish (an adult can get help or defend themselves) imagine how insensitive they could be to a child and how would they defend themselves.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jun 30, 2017 18:45:35 GMT -5
In my experience someone who constantly declines sex to a deprived partner without care or sorrow has a very cruel side to them. The cruelty shocks me. I could never imagine doing that however difficult things were. So who on earth would leave children with such a cold hearted person. There is something almost sinister about that person. A side to them, a sexual side, that is uncaring and cruel, passively aggressive, torturing. It is very unsettling to leave children around someone who deprives an adult of relieve from anguish (an adult can get help or defend themselves) imagine how insensitive they could be to a child and how would they defend themselves. They may be sexual but cruel, or perhaps they are simply asexual. In which case refusing sex is no different to them than refusing pizza. |
|
|
|
Post by carl on Jun 30, 2017 19:01:51 GMT -5
Know what you mean. In my case it's cruelty, there is no remorse. If someone offered you a pizza you would say no thanks I don't fancy pizza. You wouldn't stick your nose up and ask why the hell would I want pizza.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jun 30, 2017 21:40:34 GMT -5
"Simply asexual" to me, would be a person who refuses sex but is willing to talk about it (without giving bullshit excuses), willing to try and empathize with the spouse, even offer solutions/alternatives. Anybody ever met this person? I think experience tells us it doesn't work that way. Most of them are buried in closets |
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jul 1, 2017 3:36:29 GMT -5
"Simply asexual" to me, would be a person who refuses sex but is willing to talk about it (without giving bullshit excuses), willing to try and empathize with the spouse, even offer solutions/alternatives. Anybody ever met this person? Not yet but my hope is that my H will be this person. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 1, 2017 8:04:34 GMT -5
Lonely, your husband can't be that person. From his behavior and obvious discomfort with even touching your breasts for a few seconds, due to his being sexually abused as a child, he is repulsed by sex and doesn't know himself enough sexually to be able to know if he is asexual or so damaged that he has buried his natural feelings.
The solution he is offering is to not have sexual intimacy in your marriage or to have it every 3 years when he forces himself to fuc you. He is so uncomfortable during the act that he can't look at you.
He does not have the ability to come up with other solutions.youcould. You could find a way to be content with him as he is or you could divorce him and remain loving friends or you could open the marriage so you could get sex from men who enjoy sex and are good lovers.
Or you can keep being miserable because you insist your husband can change despite there being much evidence that doing so would cause him great pain. There is no evidence that he wants to change. What you want him to do would be like his asking you to go through treatment to lose your libido. There actually are some couples who match because neither wants sex. He could want you to aspire to be that kind of partner.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jul 1, 2017 8:47:24 GMT -5
"Simply asexual" to me, would be a person who refuses sex but is willing to talk about it (without giving bullshit excuses), willing to try and empathize with the spouse, even offer solutions/alternatives. Anybody ever met this person? Not yet but my hope is that my H will be this person. Your H is that person. Unlike many or most refusing spouses here, he's been very honest with you. He's told you exactly why you have a celibate marriage. He's told you he's asexual. He's given you his reasons (right wrong or indifferent, the abuse). He's made it very clear he does not want to change; you must accept him exactly as he is. And he's offering you the same solution he's offered you since you married him. Celibacy. And that is pretty obviously the only solution he can tolerate. The success rate of turning around asexual/childhood abuse sex negativity is dismal, perhaps non-existent. Especially when the subject doesn't want to be treated, doesn't want to be changed. You should re-read northstarmom's last post a dozen times, until you believe it and are willing to live it. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 1, 2017 9:22:55 GMT -5
Fwiw, my opinions come from living for 36 years in a relationship that was completely sexless for more than 13 years and for much of the time lacked the emotional intimacy that I desire. It didn't lack that emotional intimacy in its early years because I was very out of touch with my own emotions so was comfortable with my husband's limited emotional range.
I've now been in opposite land for 4 years with a loving, passionate partner who is comfortable emotionally connecting. I see now that sexually desiring someone and connecting intimately is either there or not. I don't cajole or beg for my partner to delight in fondling my breasts, gazing at my body or fucking me. He does those things because they make him feel good. That's the attraction. He also loves making me feel good but the original attraction was he wanted to touch me and have sex with me. He was never forcing himself to do something repellent only to give me what I wanted.
He enjoys intimate conversations with me including sharing painful past experiences. Doing these things is healing for him and helps him feel closer to me and helps him feel loved. He doesn't get a deer in the headlights look or shut down like my ex did. My ex did not like such conversations. What made me feel closer made him feel estranged. He tried to tell me but I didn't believe him because I thought he really wanted what I did. But he didn't. He isn't the same type of person I am.
I've learned that I have the right to the kind of love I want. I've also learned that if I have to beg, cajole, explain, manipulate , insist or threaten to get the love I want, I'm not with the right partner. I've also learned the importance of accepting people for who they are instead of acting like it's my right to insist on their becoming what I want. I've learned that letting go can make room for something better.
|
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jul 3, 2017 21:37:31 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 3, 2017 22:03:45 GMT -5
northstarmom - Did you still love your H when you divorced him?
I loved him like a brother or a good friend. I didn't love him romantically. It also was clear to me that he probably never had had the intensity of love for me that I'd had for him.
It wasn't until I got with my post SM lover that I learned what it's like to receive back from someone the kind of love I give them. For instance, I used to kiss or touch my ex for no reason, just because I wanted to kiss him or touch him. He never did that to me. The closest he got was by giving a "daily thigh squeeze." I moved out of the bedroom after my then husband walked in while I was changing clothes, and then he said, "Excuse me," and walked out. In the years before that, he would move away in his sleep -- moving his whole body to the edge of the bed -- if I tried to cuddle while he was sleeping.
Now, I'm with someone who in his sleep cuddles me and fondles my breasts, who says when I take off my clothes and get into bed naked (because that's what he likes even though I'm almost 66), he looks at me with delight and says it's his favorite part of the day.
The most important thing I learned from my marriage is that it's not possible to make someone love me. I can't cajole, manipulate, etc. to get someone to lust after me who doesn't find me appealing. I know that at best, I'll get someone going through the motions. I know that I'd rather be without a partner than have that kind of sexual relationship again.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2017 8:22:57 GMT -5
I say I am here for my children. I wonder what damage my unhealthy marriage does to my children. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. How much of me must I compromise? Can I truly let hubs go and still remain in this home with him? I just don't know. Why do you stay? staying teaches children that it is just normal and desirable to live in a sexless marriage. Why else would mom and dad do it? Save |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jul 8, 2017 9:12:26 GMT -5
@lostsoul, that is not just a theory. I lived it. And even though I KNEW my parents split up over sexlessness, and I vetted my future wife carefully because of that experience, I ended up there anyway.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jul 12, 2017 9:57:22 GMT -5
There's 4 main views of "the kids" issue. #1 - holds that you must stay for the kids to provide a stable base. This choice being based on the kids best interests. #2 - holds that you must leave, so you are not modelling a dysfunctional situation for them to pay the price for in their adult relationships later on. This choice is also based on the kids best interests. #3 - holds that the only decent thing in your marriage is the kids and you want to stay as close to them as you can. This choice is actually based on your best interests, not the kids. #4 - actually has nothing to do with the kids. In this one you are so shit frightened by the prospect of leaving for an uncertain future that you hide behind the "staying for the kids" as your *public* reason for staying. This choice is based on your best interests, not the kids. They are all pretty awful choices, all as valid as each other, there is no "right" choice. Thing is though, although they are all awful choices, you don't get a pass. No-one gets a pass. You still have to choose or accept the default choice. All I can suggest is that you look deep into yourself, and be brutally honest with yourself about who's interests you are truly trying to look after. My personal opinion (worth jack shit) is that leaving for the kids - so they were not exposed to the dysfunctional dynamic - seemed the most appropriate. BUT I DID NOT HAVE THE COURAGE OF MY CONVICTIONS at the time, and I did NOT do this. And given the assorted relationships my kids have gotten in to as adults, it is a "non-choice" I deeply regret in hindsight. NB - this is not advice, nor a suggestion, nor naming any of the choices as being superior to the others. It's a personal anecdote, nothing more. I can be a blunt responder on here. But we have to remember that we can't undermine people's reasons to stay. They are in a tough enough situation as it is and this is supposed to be a safe place to drop our thoughts. I do not believe this is intended to be a "safe place". There is nothing safe about the situation anyone here is in, and blowing smoke up people's asses to convince them to feel better in the short term is not helping; it's what perpetuates a losing status quo. There a a million self-help columns designed to validate your perspective on how easy it is to pull a marriage out of the ditch by "communicating better" or "doing more chores". THAT is a safe place. This is a place where you can choose to share your experience and expose yourself to a range of opinion that includes people who likely have had similar experiences and tried similar things. I don't see many people here offering moral judgments on people staying or leaving. I do see people sharing their own perspectives on how they managed to not be honest with themselves, and how their inauthenticity and deferment was challenged. If this place can ease or hasten that process by helping people to recognize those milestones faster when they happen, then that's a benefit. |
|
