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Post by shamwow on Jun 23, 2017 10:57:46 GMT -5
Ok, a question occurred to me.
- I'm getting divorced.
- I plan on dating. It has been 3 years since I've gotten laid. Needless to say, getting laid is part of the dating plan.
- Dating will happen on the weeks I don't have the kids so as not to confuse them. I don't want the kids to meet anyone I date until it is "serious"
- I only live about a mile from my STBX's house.
- I have a 16 year old daughter who has a car, and a 13 year old son who rides his bike everywhere, so they have the potential to "pop in" any time.
So...how to have a conversation with them so they feel welcome at my house whether it's "my time" or not while at the same time not popping in while I'm spraying whip cream all over (or licking it off) some naked woman at my place? At the same time, I also want them to feel welcome in THEIR home.
I was thinking something like this:
Mom and I are no longer married. I don't know if you had noticed, Mom and I haven't been a real "couple" for a very long time. Now that I'm on my own, I will start dating. The purpose of me dating is not to "replace" mom - she will always be Mom, but just for me to meet new people. However, I don't want you guys to meet anyone unless it gets much more serious. At that point, I'll introduce you to her, but that would be a very long time from now.
So just like it is when [Daughter] has her boyfriend over and I knock on the open door before entering, I'd like you to send me a text or call before coming over on weekends you're at Mom's. If I have someone over, I wouldn't want you to meet them unless it was someone I really liked and was serious about. This is OUR house, but I'd just like you to give me the same courtesy I give / will give to you.
Please, folks...pick this apart. Especially for those of you with kids in this age range and similar situation, any suggestions would be appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2017 11:28:58 GMT -5
Mom and I are no longer married. I don't know if you had noticed, Mom and I haven't been a real "couple" for a very long time. Now that I'm on my own, I will start dating. The purpose of me dating is not to "replace" mom - she will always be Mom, but just for me to meet new people. However, I don't want you guys to meet anyone unless it gets much more serious. At that point, I'll introduce you to her, but that would be a very long time from now.
So just like it is when Ashley has her boyfriend over and I knock on the open door before entering, I'd like you to send me a text or call before coming over on weekends you're at Mom's. If I have someone over, I wouldn't want you to meet them unless it was someone I really liked and was serious about. This is OUR house, but I'd just like you to give me the same courtesy I give / will give to you.
Please, folks...pick this apart. Especially for those of you with kids in this age range and similar situation, any suggestions would be appreciated. Shammy, I don't think you need to tell them this right now. After the divorce is done, it will be ok, but not just yet. The kids probably know you will start dating soon. As for the letter, it looks fine to me. No matter what you say will sound awkward, and this is no worse than anything else. But I wouldn't put the last paragraph in. They don't need to know that you are swinging from the rafters with a plethora of bodacious babes. I would instead suggest that you get a keyless deadbolt or chain on all the doors. That way, they CAN'T come in unannounced. Besides, at those ages, they would probably forget to knock anyway. |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 23, 2017 11:45:22 GMT -5
Mom and I are no longer married. I don't know if you had noticed, Mom and I haven't been a real "couple" for a very long time. Now that I'm on my own, I will start dating. The purpose of me dating is not to "replace" mom - she will always be Mom, but just for me to meet new people. However, I don't want you guys to meet anyone unless it gets much more serious. At that point, I'll introduce you to her, but that would be a very long time from now.
So just like it is when Ashley has her boyfriend over and I knock on the open door before entering, I'd like you to send me a text or call before coming over on weekends you're at Mom's. If I have someone over, I wouldn't want you to meet them unless it was someone I really liked and was serious about. This is OUR house, but I'd just like you to give me the same courtesy I give / will give to you.
Please, folks...pick this apart. Especially for those of you with kids in this age range and similar situation, any suggestions would be appreciated. Shammy, I don't think you need to tell them this right now. After the divorce is done, it will be ok, but not just yet. The kids probably know you will start dating soon. As for the letter, it looks fine to me. No matter what you say will sound awkward, and this is no worse than anything else. But I wouldn't put the last paragraph in. They don't need to know that you are swinging from the rafters with a plethora of bodacious babes. I would instead suggest that you get a keyless deadbolt or chain on all the doors. That way, they CAN'T come in unannounced. Besides, at those ages, they would probably forget to knock anyway. Oh, I'm not thinking about having this conversation today. The divorce is final probably sometime next week. Then the next two weekends I have them, so it's kind of a moot issue. But I learned when telling the kids about the divorce that telling them early and letting them absorb it. Just curious, why would you drop the second paragraph? I'm not saying that we would be doing anything, but just that I'm asking for a similar courtesy than one I grant myself. I think it spells out things pretty clearly, and addresses the concern I really have...them not popping in on me when I have someone over, even if we are just sitting on the couch watching TV. I am renting and don't think I can install additional locks (will have to check lease agreement). But good point on on them just crashing the house anyway. Damn teenagers....LOL |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2017 14:08:27 GMT -5
Just curious, why would you drop the second paragraph? I'm not saying that we would be doing anything, but just that I'm asking for a similar courtesy than one I grant myself. I think it spells out things pretty clearly, and addresses the concern I really have...them not popping in on me when I have someone over, even if we are just sitting on the couch watching TV. I am renting and don't think I can install additional locks (will have to check lease agreement). But good point on on them just crashing the house anyway. Damn teenagers....LOL Well, I just think that most kids don't care to hear anything about their parents having sex. That really implies that is what you will be doing. Of course, I could be wrong. Just my opinion. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2017 14:23:36 GMT -5
Can you and your wife institute a rule that the kids call or text before visiting the parent who they aren't scheduled to be with? Presumably your wife also will start dating and will want privacy sometimes.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 23, 2017 14:29:06 GMT -5
The fact that your kids could drop by unannounced, I think it's a good idea to talk to them about texting in advance and common courtesy.
One thing that I do with my son's phone is use the iPhone Find Friends Locator so that if I go out on a date, I look to see where my son is so that we aren't at the same restaurant.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 23, 2017 14:57:33 GMT -5
These kind of things are on my mind as well. I remember posts from mountainrunner (deleted) about making the mistake of only moving 3 blocks away. Her ex would come over and just walk on in any time he pleased around 5:00 am in the morning (or something like that).
My goal is on the opposite end of our school district. In another town. In another zip code. With a controller like my STBX parallel parenting is going to be the norm. Firm set guide lines and no wavering from the plan. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.
One concern is that they will not want to spend time with their mom and will prefer being with me. I am very open to that, and negotiating, cautiously, with strict guidelines. I am not going to be in favor of my kids dropping by. Mostly because their mother will use it as a weapon against me. You sound aware of what the future "could" bring. I said "could". I am very aware of my children being used as spies, and having their heads filled with all kinds of manipulation about what a bad father I am/was/will be.
With all that said (sounding off my thoughts as they come to me) dating other women, or even having friends over the house, male or female, just casual acquaintances, or a serious relationship, my radar will be up to see how my ex tries to use that for control. Perhaps the best policy will be having guests over when the kids are gone, for the first year. Time to let things settle. For everyone.
I might need to install a camera too...just sayin'.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 23, 2017 15:17:00 GMT -5
These kind of things are on my mind as well. I remember posts from mountainrunner (deleted) about making the mistake of only moving 3 blocks away. Her ex would come over and just walk on in any time he pleased around 5:00 am in the morning (or something like that). My goal is on the opposit end of our school district. In another town. In another zip code. With a controller like my STBX parallel parenting is going to be the norm. Firm set guide lines and no wavering from the plan. Give them an inch and they will take a mile. One concern is that they will not want to spend time with there mom and will prefer being with me. I am very open to that, and negotiating, cautiously, with strict guidelines. I am not going to be in favor of my kids dropping by. Mostly because there mother will use it as a weapon against me. You sound aware of what the future "could" bring. I said "could". I am very aware of my children being used as spies, and having there heads filled with all kinds of manipulation about what a bad father I am/was/will be. With all that said (sounding off my thoughts as they come to me) dating other women, or even having friends over the house, male or female, just casual acquaintances, or a serious relationship, my radar will be up to see how my ex tries to use that for control. Perhaps the best policy will be having guests over when the kids are gone, for the first year. Time to let things settle. For everyone. I might need to install a camera too...just sayin'. Fortunately, I don't see my stbx just popping by unannounced. She is being pretty firm about asserting her independence as well. What I'm more concerned about is the kids popping by while I'm in the living room with whip cream on my dick and someone trying to remove it. Because of my son's middle school, we both will be living within a couple miles of each other (so he can take the bus to school as we both will be working). But the wife just popping by? I'd be surprised if she even stops by to drop off the kids now that my daughter has her own car and can do the driving. |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 23, 2017 15:19:47 GMT -5
The fact that your kids could drop by unannounced, I think it's a good idea to talk to them about texting in advance and common courtesy. One thing that I do with my son's phone is use the iPhone Find Friends Locator so that if I go out on a date, I look to see where my son is so that we aren't at the same restaurant. Right now we are all on a similar app. I'm not sure if I'm going keep my location visible on it, but I am sure as hell going to be keeping tabs on the kids  Is your location available to them? |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 23, 2017 17:38:33 GMT -5
The fact that your kids could drop by unannounced, I think it's a good idea to talk to them about texting in advance and common courtesy. One thing that I do with my son's phone is use the iPhone Find Friends Locator so that if I go out on a date, I look to see where my son is so that we aren't at the same restaurant. Right now we are all on a similar app. I'm not sure if I'm going keep my location visible on it, but I am sure as hell going to be keeping tabs on the kids Is your location available to them? No my location is not visible to them and I never shared it with my H when we were married nor did he with me. Funny thing my ex a few months after the divorce shared his with me. I accepted but didn't share mine then he retracted his sharing. |
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Post by baza on Jun 23, 2017 18:32:49 GMT -5
I like the way you are thinking ahead generally Brother shamwowLooks like a good conversation to have, at the appropriate time. Unless a "whipped cream" event is imminent, you can probably wait until such time as such an event might happen. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 24, 2017 0:38:53 GMT -5
shamwow, good thinking on several levels. For one, you are entitled to have loud, rampant sex in every room of your house, not just behind a locked bedroom door. Most of us have been stifled for far too long; you shouldn't impose that on yourself after finally breaking free. The general messaging I'd try to position with the kids is similar to them moving out... When you're here, this is your home; treat it as such, and come and go freely. But when you're living elsewhere, this is my home not yours; you need to act like a visitor and call ahead. Never let yourself in. Case-in-point, my nephew needed something urgently from his dad's house on the morning of a field trip (last-minute, naturally). He lets himself in with a key unannounced at like 4:00am, sets the dogs off, and nearly got himself shot as an intruder. Moral: don't drop in unannounced. I don't think you need to bring sex into the discussion - this is about privacy and safety. Yours and theirs.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 24, 2017 18:33:54 GMT -5
shamwow , good thinking on several levels. For one, you are entitled to have loud, rampant sex in every room of your house, not just behind a locked bedroom door. Most of us have been stifled for far too long; you shouldn't impose that on yourself after finally breaking free. The general messaging I'd try to position with the kids is similar to them moving out... When you're here, this is your home; treat it as such, and come and go freely. But when you're living elsewhere, this is my home not yours; you need to act like a visitor and call ahead. Never let yourself in. Case-in-point, my nephew needed something urgently from his dad's house on the morning of a field trip (last-minute, naturally). He lets himself in with a key unannounced at like 4:00am, sets the dogs off, and nearly got himself shot as an intruder. Moral: don't drop in unannounced. I don't think you need to bring sex into the discussion - this is about privacy and safety. Yours and theirs. I don't agree with that. As a teenager I would hate to feel that my Dad's house was only my home every other week and when I wasn't there it really wasn't mine any more. You would never feel like you had any kind of permanent base anywhere. And the divorce is already going to be undermining their sense of security and belonging in the world. I think shamwow's approach is a lot better, if more difficult. I know teenagers hate to think about their parents having sex, but TBH I think it is actually quite good for them to see that it is a normal and healthy part of life, even when you are 'old'. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Jun 24, 2017 19:58:38 GMT -5
I might need to install a camera too...just sayin'. Saucey! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 24, 2017 20:04:09 GMT -5
I might need to install a camera too...just sayin'. Saucey! Saucey!! No comprende'? |
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