maxie
New Member
Posts: 17 
|
Post by maxie on May 9, 2016 19:34:00 GMT -5
That... is because you weren't available! ;-) Hi, on the unavailability thing, has anyone ever shared on this forum whether "outsourcing" with another married person who is also in a sm just perpetuates the problem? Sometimes I think I might have more courage, or at least clarity, if I weren't in this other relationship. If I weren't in love with him, perhaps I could accept being alone for awhile. Now, I fear leaving my safe enough and loving enough, although sexless, environment to just pine over someone I can't have. I might actually continue to be "unavailable". |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 9, 2016 19:48:08 GMT -5
Hi, on the unavailability thing, has anyone ever shared on this forum whether "outsourcing" with another married person who is also in a sm just perpetuates the problem? Sometimes I think I might have more courage, or at least clarity, if I weren't in this other relationship. If I weren't in love with him, perhaps I could accept being alone for awhile. Now, I fear leaving my safe enough and loving enough, although sexless, environment to just pine over someone I can't have. I might actually continue to be "unavailable". An affair can lead to different outcomes. It can be an enlightenment that accelerates a divorce that's long due. Or it can spackle over the cracks in the marriage by making you content enough to stay. (Even though the contentment isn't coming from your spouse, it makes things more tolerable because you aren't being deprived.) There is one school of thought that affairs will eventually be found out and trigger a nasty divorce. And so, rather than wait for it to explode unexpectedly, you should be proactive and kill it gently now. But an affair with a married person is like trying on clothes you could never afford. It creates a yearning beyond the immediate satisfaction, but it can't be satisfied. Particularly when the married partner is a man, he is less likely to leave his wife, despite the issues. |
|
maxie
New Member
Posts: 17
|
Post by maxie on May 9, 2016 19:53:28 GMT -5
You mean kill the affair?
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 9, 2016 20:00:50 GMT -5
You mean kill the affair? No, the marriage. Recognizing that either a) you will become rapidly dissatisfied and divorce, or b) you'll be content, but your spouse will eventually find out, things will blow up, and you get a divorce anyway. I.e., if you're at the point of going elsewhere for intimacy, the marriage is over either way. So, wrap it up before starting a new relationship. |
|
maxie
New Member
Posts: 17
|
Post by maxie on May 9, 2016 20:36:07 GMT -5
Yeah, I need strength to move forward.
|
|
|
|
Post by theghostofwinterfell on May 10, 2016 12:39:17 GMT -5
It's hard to find a card that says "i tolerate you". Lost soul, i am "celebrating "mine this month also. So i know how you feel. We each have our reasons for staying and trying so no one is judging you but in the words of dear abby ( yes shut up) would YOU be happier with her or with out her. The answer to that is the only one that matters. Find peace my friend. wewbwb we need to call Hallmark and start a new line of greeting cards "I tolerate you", "You didn't make me completely miserable today", "Happy Anniversary! Thanks for putting Candy Crush down for 5 minutes!" "Thanks for acknowledging my existence!" We'd make millions! Now that's a sad thought. WOW YA'LL. Again with hitting the hammer on the head!!! My 14th anniversary is tomorrow. I have the gift, I have the plan for the night out (well, to be fair, she did make the reservation), and I have the neutral card--- I just have no idea what to write inside the card. Just sign my name? Jot down a fake sentiment that would have been sincere 10 years ago?
Mothers Day was much the same- we did church, went to the river, went to visit her mom, and had both kids with us for the day---plus I was in pretty high spirits the whole day---and despite all of that, she was down and upset that "the day just did not turn out the way she had planned". Remember, SHE is the refuser here. She never did clarify what she meant by that. CONFUSION.
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 10, 2016 19:00:06 GMT -5
Mothers Day was much the same- we did church, went to the river, went to visit her mom, and had both kids with us for the day---plus I was in pretty high spirits the whole day---and despite all of that, she was down and upset that "the day just did not turn out the way she had planned". Remember, SHE is the refuser here. She never did clarify what she meant by that. CONFUSION. So, she imagined a plan for the day, didn't communicate her desires, and is subsequently disappointed when you didn't read her mind accurately. Yup, sounds perfectly adult to me! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 22:24:45 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 16, 2016 22:45:36 GMT -5
@lostsoul, in fairness, the less abbreviated version is "Are you informed on your options? As in, what are the real implications of staying or leaving, so that if you snap one day at least you will have made an educated choice."
I.e., Having a vetted Plan B is a good idea, even if the preference is to find a fix.
DC
|
|
nahmastay
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by nahmastay on May 16, 2016 23:05:35 GMT -5
Hi lost soul. I understand your frustration. 25 years is a very long time to invest into a relationship without mutual fulfillment. Especially when your wife glorifies the anniversary via social media. Every one of us has a hard limit that once we get there, Divorce may be the only helpful solution. For me, I made the choice to stay and in doing so had a much needed very open discussion that lead to my resolution of getting support through connecting with others that understand what I am going through and also coming to terms with what the future will and won't bring. Either way, it is difficult to swallow. Perhaps when I am 25 years in I may feel differently but for now my plan is to stay occupied, seek therapy together and to have zero expectations for sex. For the first time last night I was the refuser. When I stopped the anticipation of having sex and refused the "reset" sex I knew that it was a small step towards taking back my mojo. I slept pretty soundly too. I too am pretty happy most days and know that it is not me.
I hope you can enjoy your trip and that you can gain some positivity from it even if only brings relaxation and a break. Sending hope and happy thoughts out to you! Please know that it is not you.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 8:21:52 GMT -5
Hi lost soul. I understand your frustration. 25 years is a very long time to invest into a relationship without mutual fulfillment. Especially when your wife glorifies the anniversary via social media. Every one of us has a hard limit that once we get there, Divorce may be the only helpful solution. For me, I made the choice to stay and in doing so had a much needed very open discussion that lead to my resolution of getting support through connecting with others that understand what I am going through and also coming to terms with what the future will and won't bring. Either way, it is difficult to swallow. Perhaps when I am 25 years in I may feel differently but for now my plan is to stay occupied, seek therapy together and to have zero expectations for sex. For the first time last night I was the refuser. When I stopped the anticipation of having sex and refused the "reset" sex I knew that it was a small step towards taking back my mojo. I slept pretty soundly too. I too am pretty happy most days and know that it is not me. I hope you can enjoy your trip and that you can gain some positivity from it even if only brings relaxation and a break. Sending hope and happy thoughts out to you! Please know that it is not you. This is what the venerable baz meant by owning your decision to stay. You thought it through and decided that at this point in time this is the best decision. You're not staying because of inertia or paralysis. It's your decision and you are now organizing your life around it. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 19:39:57 GMT -5
Hi lost soul. I understand your frustration. 25 years is a very long time to invest into a relationship without mutual fulfillment. Especially when your wife glorifies the anniversary via social media. Every one of us has a hard limit that once we get there, Divorce may be the only helpful solution. For me, I made the choice to stay and in doing so had a much needed very open discussion that lead to my resolution of getting support through connecting with others that understand what I am going through and also coming to terms with what the future will and won't bring. Either way, it is difficult to swallow. Perhaps when I am 25 years in I may feel differently but for now my plan is to stay occupied, seek therapy together and to have zero expectations for sex. For the first time last night I was the refuser. When I stopped the anticipation of having sex and refused the "reset" sex I knew that it was a small step towards taking back my mojo. I slept pretty soundly too. I too am pretty happy most days and know that it is not me. I hope you can enjoy your trip and that you can gain some positivity from it even if only brings relaxation and a break. Sending hope and happy thoughts out to you! Please know that it is not you. Thanks. I dont blame myself for her actions. I accept that I am too insecure to leave the relationship. The security of having someone must be better then the insecurity of not having one, and finding another. Sounds like you made the same decision as I have. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 19:41:43 GMT -5
Mothers Day was much the same- we did church, went to the river, went to visit her mom, and had both kids with us for the day---plus I was in pretty high spirits the whole day---and despite all of that, she was down and upset that "the day just did not turn out the way she had planned". Remember, SHE is the refuser here. She never did clarify what she meant by that. CONFUSION. So, she imagined a plan for the day, didn't communicate her desires, and is subsequently disappointed when you didn't read her mind accurately. Yup, sounds perfectly adult to me! Imagine a man not being able to read a woman's mind.. LOL why do they expect us to read their minds? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 20:00:55 GMT -5
If you turned out to be right and no one ever loved you again, do you feel you would be better off where you are than you would be on your own? This is the question I had to ask myself years ago. The answer sadly, was no. There would be no point in leaving the family if there was no sexual reward for doing so. |
|
