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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 12:13:08 GMT -5
Doable exit plan and all that? what? That was the venerable baz's term for getting a plan together to leave, actually planning, drafting an agenda of measurable executable deliverables. Ok I added the corporate babble. But if you're thinking of divorce you need to take concrete steps like talk to a lawyer before you do anything else then hammer out a plan to tackle the challenges that will lie ahead. Kids. The house. Retirement. Alimony. Support network. How to afford this. The logistics of the separation. Etc. Oh and you need to do all this without getting overwhelmed. I suspect that the sheer overwhelmedness of it all deters a lot of really unhappy people from leaving. So one step at a time. But first you have to make the decision whether to leave. baz was also big on owning your decisions. If you stay, stay because you choose to stay, not because you can't figure out how to leave, and then accept and make the best of the life you have chosen. Choice is a bitch. No one gets a free pass. Tread your own path. |
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maxie
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Post by maxie on May 8, 2016 14:47:04 GMT -5
OMG! We're going on our 25th wedding anniversary trip next week too! I've been talking about leaving for several years but am too afraid to be alone, with no companionship. My husband treats me like a princess, an untouchable one. Just recently I realized there is no intimacy. No eye contact, kissing on the lips. We met in school and fell in love. I didn't realize until years later that I was sex deprived. And now I look back over the past 5 years I've probably had sex with my husband 7 to 10 times. That's pretty much sexless, right? I met a man at work who's also married25 years who started pursuing me. He's what I call a "serial cheater". He started cheating in his 7th year. Supposedly the wife has no desire and now she is post menopausal, 10 years older. I didn't care and somehow thought I could manage a FWB. Turns out I couldn't. A year later we talk about leaving our marriages and living together, we both fell in love. I have had more intimacy and sex, satisfying sex, with this man in one year than in the last 10. But I guess I know he is too afraid of leaving his wife, finances, comfort. And I am not sure whether I would be happier alone and sexless than in the marriage I am now and sexless. At least my husband takes care of me and loves me. He is just not intimate and when we do have sex at this point it feels like he's forcing himself. We decided to celebrate anyway because overall the marriage was good and we had a great family. So even if we divorce, we should celebrate that. Then, if we didn't celebrate and stayed together, we were afraid we would regret it. I had no idea so many folks have the same issues... Well the standard response to stories like this that essentially say, "everything is great but the sex," is that in all likelihood it isn't. Almost inevitably if you scratch underneath the surface of these marriages you will find intimacy aversion, anger, controlling, manipulation, mental illness, a history of sexual abuse, or some combination thereof. I also wonder why you think you would be alone if you left your husband. |
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maxie
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Post by maxie on May 8, 2016 14:50:25 GMT -5
Well, maybe there is anger at some level. I need to dig into that. I fear being alone mostly because almost all my guy acquaintances that got divorced ended up dating women almost half my age.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 15:29:29 GMT -5
Well, maybe there is anger at some level. I need to dig into that. I fear being alone mostly because almost all my guy acquaintances that got divorced ended up dating women almost half my age. They were just having midlife crises. I can only speak for myself but I don't get it when women say they're too old for men to find them sexy. I'm at the age where I could probably pretend I have money and get girls half my age but I'll take maturity any day. |
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Post by ggold on May 8, 2016 19:42:33 GMT -5
I'm new here, lostsoul, and so far I have gained so much insight and comfort from the folks here. I know it's hard to hear, but can you really live another 25 years this way? How can you gain the strength to think about leaving your situation? I've been married for 22 now and do not plan on making it to 25. I am so unhappy in this relationship. There has to be someone out there who will love me, desire me....someone who will connect with me. I have to hold on to this hope. You do too!!! This is going to be a rough road, but I am in process of researching an exit plan. Through my therapy, I have become empowered to move in this direction. One step at a time I keep telling myself. We all deserve to be happy. :-) |
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Post by snowman12345 on May 8, 2016 19:56:16 GMT -5
I remember feeling this way last year back on EP when I first found this group, but those tough questions really helped me take a realistic look at my situation and get some clarity about it. And that helped enormously in making a decision about what I wanted to do going forward. What people here are responding to is the pain in your initial post - no one here wants you to continue to feel like this for another 25 years! Regardless of what you eventually choose to do, you need to be able to be at peace with your decision and to do that, you may have to answer some of those tough questions for yourself. Now, putting that aside, I hope you are able to find a way to get through this day. I know it is way past bittersweet to "celebrate" a situation like this. I remember my 20th anniversary and how horribly hollow and meaningless it felt. We ended up not really celebrating - just went out to dinner as a family. And ugh, the search for a "Happy Anniversary" card! Endlessly trying to find something that wasn't just an outright lie! You have my sympathies! It's hard to find a card that says "i tolerate you". Lost soul, i am "celebrating "mine this month also. So i know how you feel. We each have our reasons for staying and trying so no one is judging you but in the words of dear abby ( yes shut up) would YOU be happier with her or with out her. The answer to that is the only one that matters. Find peace my friend. wewbwb we need to call Hallmark and start a new line of greeting cards "I tolerate you", "You didn't make me completely miserable today", "Happy Anniversary! Thanks for putting Candy Crush down for 5 minutes!" "Thanks for acknowledging my existence!" We'd make millions! Now that's a sad thought. |
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Post by ggold on May 8, 2016 20:06:30 GMT -5
It's hard to find a card that says "i tolerate you". Lost soul, i am "celebrating "mine this month also. So i know how you feel. We each have our reasons for staying and trying so no one is judging you but in the words of dear abby ( yes shut up) would YOU be happier with her or with out her. The answer to that is the only one that matters. Find peace my friend. wewbwb we need to call Hallmark and start a new line of greeting cards "I tolerate you", "You didn't make me completely miserable today", "Happy Anniversary! Thanks for putting Candy Crush down for 5 minutes!" "Thanks for acknowledging my existence!" We'd make millions! Now that's a sad thought. Cards suck!! I can't even look at the husband card section for birthdays, Father's Day...anniversary-forget it!! They are all too mushy and I DON'T feel that way towards him obviously. You are right...we need a line of cards for us. Happy Birthday to my Co-Parent? ugh! |
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 21:13:06 GMT -5
Happy Birthday!
Go Fuck Yourself!
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Post by DryCreek on May 8, 2016 22:58:59 GMT -5
I fear being alone mostly because almost all my guy acquaintances that got divorced ended up dating women almost half my age. That... is because you weren't available! ;-) |
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Post by Dan on May 8, 2016 23:23:17 GMT -5
And ugh, the search for a "Happy Anniversary" card! Endlessly trying to find something that wasn't just an outright lie! UGH is right. Add: birthday card, Mother's Day card, and -- worst of all -- Valentine's Day. |
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maxie
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Post by maxie on May 8, 2016 23:43:46 GMT -5
I fear being alone mostly because almost all my guy acquaintances that got divorced ended up dating women almost half my age. That... is because you weren't available! ;-) |
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maxie
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Post by maxie on May 8, 2016 23:45:18 GMT -5
DryCreek, you may be right. Especially since I feel better about myself and think I look better than 20 years ago.
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Post by ggold on May 9, 2016 10:40:12 GMT -5
And ugh, the search for a "Happy Anniversary" card! Endlessly trying to find something that wasn't just an outright lie! UGH is right. Add: birthday card, Mother's Day card, and -- worst of all -- Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day...what a joke! |
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Post by Dan on May 9, 2016 10:53:54 GMT -5
UGH is right. Add: birthday card, Mother's Day card, and -- worst of all -- Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day...what a joke! I'm still "stuck" in the dance. You know the one: "keep the peace". I think sometimes "fake it 'til you make it" may actually work. But I think I'm trying to apply "fake it 'til The Talk". Why rock the boat until I have a more concrete exit plan? I think I tell myself "I'm open to things getting better." Which I suppose is true. MAYBE they could get "better enough" so that I can tolerate staying in the marriage. But in my heart of hearts, I just don't think they are going to get better enough that I LONG to stay in the marriage. Bleh. (Did I mention I'm headed back to therapy? Already have an appointment.) |
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Post by ggold on May 9, 2016 11:24:39 GMT -5
Valentine's Day...what a joke! I'm still "stuck" in the dance. You know the one: "keep the peace". I think sometimes "fake it 'til you make it" may actually work. But I think I'm trying to apply "fake it 'til The Talk". Why rock the boat until I have a more concrete exit plan? I think I tell myself "I'm open to things getting better." Which I suppose is true. MAYBE they could get "better enough" so that I can tolerate staying in the marriage. But in my heart of hearts, I just don't think they are going to get better enough that I LONG to stay in the marriage. Bleh. (Did I mention I'm headed back to therapy? Already have an appointment.) I hear you dan! Good for you for heading back into therapy. Right now, I couldn't be without it!! My sister-in-law (my brother's wife) and I were just having a conversation. She's sad about the situation with my husband. She loves us both and I get that. Now I'm all messed up because, although I know she'll support me no matter what, she urged me not to give up on my marriage just yet. Unfortunately, I have given up on the marriage emotionally a long time ago. Just never acted upon it. Now, I really feel in my heart of hearts also that it's never going to get better and I have to make the exit plan soon. :-( |
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