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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 8:41:55 GMT -5
I will be going on a week or so vacation tomorrow. We are celebrating 25 years of marriage. At least that is what it is advertised as. She is posting wedding photos on FB. It makes me crazy. It is celebrating 25 years of prison to me. Well, I calculate 18 years of prison.
At first it was her fault. Now I blame myself. I stay and put up with being sexless. When I think about why, I just think of what an asshole I am.
I fear that no one could ever love me again, even though she does not love me. She says that she does, but I here for here to have someone, or maybe her definition is different then mine. Love comes with responsibility, and I dont think she sees it that way. I dont mean just sex, there are other responsibilities that come with love and marriage.
On a daily basis I am a pretty happy guy and enjoy each day. But inside I am ready to explode. I often wonder why I am alive and dont die from the frustration. How much can someone put up with?
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 11:02:07 GMT -5
I will be going on a week or so vacation tomorrow. We are celebrating 25 years of marriage. At least that is what it is advertised as. She is posting wedding photos on FB. It makes me crazy. It is celebrating 25 years of prison to me. Well, I calculate 18 years of prison. At first it was her fault. Now I blame myself. I stay and put up with being sexless. When I think about why, I just think of what an asshole I am. I fear that no one could ever love me again, even though she does not love me. She says that she does, but I here for here to have someone, or maybe her definition is different then mine. Love comes with responsibility, and I dont think she sees it that way. I dont mean just sex, there are other responsibilities that come with love and marriage. On a daily basis I am a pretty happy guy and enjoy each day. But inside I am ready to explode. I often wonder why I am alive and dont die from the frustration. How much can someone put up with? Doable exit plan and all that? |
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Post by Isabellas39 on May 7, 2016 11:10:10 GMT -5
I know the feeling of constantly hearing the I love you's, and wondering what does love truly mean to him...I don't get it at all, and it drives me crazy..How can you feel romantic love for someone that you haven't been intimate with in years?
I agree with Phin, doable exit plan is necessary...
Eighteen years is a very long time to struggle with this issue...At some point you either have to take a chance on you and get out, or remain but find some peace in that choice.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 12:52:08 GMT -5
@lostsoul, hang in there, hon. Like @phinheasgage said, time to develop an exit strategy - at a minimum to learn what your options are.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 13:38:48 GMT -5
I will be going on a week or so vacation tomorrow. We are celebrating 25 years of marriage. At least that is what it is advertised as. She is posting wedding photos on FB. It makes me crazy. It is celebrating 25 years of prison to me. Well, I calculate 18 years of prison. At first it was her fault. Now I blame myself. I stay and put up with being sexless. When I think about why, I just think of what an asshole I am. I fear that no one could ever love me again, even though she does not love me. She says that she does, but I here for here to have someone, or maybe her definition is different then mine. Love comes with responsibility, and I dont think she sees it that way. I dont mean just sex, there are other responsibilities that come with love and marriage. On a daily basis I am a pretty happy guy and enjoy each day. But inside I am ready to explode. I often wonder why I am alive and dont die from the frustration. How much can someone put up with? Doable exit plan and all that? what? |
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Post by unmatched on May 7, 2016 16:17:36 GMT -5
If you turned out to be right and no one ever loved you again, do you feel you would be better off where you are than you would be on your own?
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 23:25:10 GMT -5
tough crowd
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Post by unmatched on May 8, 2016 0:27:31 GMT -5
We all feel for you, I promise! But you are not going to survive another 25 years like this. So I guess we are trying to nudge you towards looking at your options and either finding a solution or trying to make peace with it as it is. Neither of which are easy at all. |
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 1:49:47 GMT -5
Tough love, from a crowd that understands, empathizes, but is not afraid to ask the tough questions. |
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 9:53:21 GMT -5
I remember feeling this way last year back on EP when I first found this group, but those tough questions really helped me take a realistic look at my situation and get some clarity about it. And that helped enormously in making a decision about what I wanted to do going forward. What people here are responding to is the pain in your initial post - no one here wants you to continue to feel like this for another 25 years! Regardless of what you eventually choose to do, you need to be able to be at peace with your decision and to do that, you may have to answer some of those tough questions for yourself. Now, putting that aside, I hope you are able to find a way to get through this day. I know it is way past bittersweet to "celebrate" a situation like this. I remember my 20th anniversary and how horribly hollow and meaningless it felt. We ended up not really celebrating - just went out to dinner as a family. And ugh, the search for a "Happy Anniversary" card! Endlessly trying to find something that wasn't just an outright lie! You have my sympathies! |
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Post by wewbwb on May 8, 2016 10:14:01 GMT -5
I remember feeling this way last year back on EP when I first found this group, but those tough questions really helped me take a realistic look at my situation and get some clarity about it. And that helped enormously in making a decision about what I wanted to do going forward. What people here are responding to is the pain in your initial post - no one here wants you to continue to feel like this for another 25 years! Regardless of what you eventually choose to do, you need to be able to be at peace with your decision and to do that, you may have to answer some of those tough questions for yourself. Now, putting that aside, I hope you are able to find a way to get through this day. I know it is way past bittersweet to "celebrate" a situation like this. I remember my 20th anniversary and how horribly hollow and meaningless it felt. We ended up not really celebrating - just went out to dinner as a family. And ugh, the search for a "Happy Anniversary" card! Endlessly trying to find something that wasn't just an outright lie! You have my sympathies! It's hard to find a card that says "i tolerate you". Lost soul, i am "celebrating "mine this month also. So i know how you feel. We each have our reasons for staying and trying so no one is judging you but in the words of dear abby ( yes shut up) would YOU be happier with her or with out her. The answer to that is the only one that matters. Find peace my friend. |
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maxie
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Post by maxie on May 8, 2016 10:15:21 GMT -5
I will be going on a week or so vacation tomorrow. We are celebrating 25 years of marriage. At least that is what it is advertised as. She is posting wedding photos on FB. It makes me crazy. It is celebrating 25 years of prison to me. Well, I calculate 18 years of prison. At first it was her fault. Now I blame myself. I stay and put up with being sexless. When I think about why, I just think of what an asshole I am. I fear that no one could ever love me again, even though she does not love me. She says that she does, but I here for here to have someone, or maybe her definition is different then mine. Love comes with responsibility, and I dont think she sees it that way. I dont mean just sex, there are other responsibilities that come with love and marriage. On a daily basis I am a pretty happy guy and enjoy each day. But inside I am ready to explode. I often wonder why I am alive and dont die from the frustration. How much can someone put up with? |
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maxie
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Post by maxie on May 8, 2016 10:32:23 GMT -5
OMG! We're going on our 25th wedding anniversary trip next week too! I've been talking about leaving for several years but am too afraid to be alone, with no companionship. My husband treats me like a princess, an untouchable one. Just recently I realized there is no intimacy. No eye contact, kissing on the lips. We met in school and fell in love. I didn't realize until years later that I was sex deprived. And now I look back over the past 5 years I've probably had sex with my husband 7 to 10 times. That's pretty much sexless, right? I met a man at work who's also married25 years who started pursuing me. He's what I call a "serial cheater". He started cheating in his 7th year. Supposedly the wife has no desire and now she is post menopausal, 10 years older. I didn't care and somehow thought I could manage a FWB. Turns out I couldn't. A year later we talk about leaving our marriages and living together, we both fell in love. I have had more intimacy and sex, satisfying sex, with this man in one year than in the last 10. But I guess I know he is too afraid of leaving his wife, finances, comfort. And I am not sure whether I would be happier alone and sexless than in the marriage I am now and sexless. At least my husband takes care of me and loves me. He is just not intimate and when we do have sex at this point it feels like he's forcing himself. We decided to celebrate anyway because overall the marriage was good and we had a great family. So even if we divorce, we should celebrate that. Then, if we didn't celebrate and stayed together, we were afraid we would regret it. I had no idea so many folks have the same issues...
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 8, 2016 10:52:22 GMT -5
I guess if you are content with everything else and you still get along why not stay together.
I unfortunately am a looooong way from content. My relationship is bad. The only reason I am still here is pity.
I need to grow a huge set of balls and get rid of my refuser. But I'm weak. Grrrrr.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 11:59:05 GMT -5
OMG! We're going on our 25th wedding anniversary trip next week too! I've been talking about leaving for several years but am too afraid to be alone, with no companionship. My husband treats me like a princess, an untouchable one. Just recently I realized there is no intimacy. No eye contact, kissing on the lips. We met in school and fell in love. I didn't realize until years later that I was sex deprived. And now I look back over the past 5 years I've probably had sex with my husband 7 to 10 times. That's pretty much sexless, right? I met a man at work who's also married25 years who started pursuing me. He's what I call a "serial cheater". He started cheating in his 7th year. Supposedly the wife has no desire and now she is post menopausal, 10 years older. I didn't care and somehow thought I could manage a FWB. Turns out I couldn't. A year later we talk about leaving our marriages and living together, we both fell in love. I have had more intimacy and sex, satisfying sex, with this man in one year than in the last 10. But I guess I know he is too afraid of leaving his wife, finances, comfort. And I am not sure whether I would be happier alone and sexless than in the marriage I am now and sexless. At least my husband takes care of me and loves me. He is just not intimate and when we do have sex at this point it feels like he's forcing himself. We decided to celebrate anyway because overall the marriage was good and we had a great family. So even if we divorce, we should celebrate that. Then, if we didn't celebrate and stayed together, we were afraid we would regret it. I had no idea so many folks have the same issues... Well the standard response to stories like this that essentially say, "everything is great but the sex," is that in all likelihood it isn't. Almost inevitably if you scratch underneath the surface of these marriages you will find intimacy aversion, anger, controlling, manipulation, mental illness, a history of sexual abuse, or some combination thereof. I also wonder why you think you would be alone if you left your husband. |
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