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Post by baza on Jun 20, 2017 20:11:19 GMT -5
Brother flashjohn raised the question (in the Post SM folder) to people who have left in a post an hour or two ago - "Do you regret leaving ?" I posit the same question to the stayers in the interests of balance. Do you regret staying ? |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 20, 2017 20:12:29 GMT -5
Not yet, but I am working on it  |
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 20, 2017 20:46:40 GMT -5
Regret in this case is as effective as why chasing. Our lives and our relationships are a nonrepeatable experiment. There are no do overs. If I had left 20 years ago would I be happier? There is no metric to determine the answer. Sure many of our actions have produced measurable results and those we can assign a regret value but for our relationship decisions we can only see where we are today. We are blind to what might have been.
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Post by JonDoe on Jun 20, 2017 21:03:18 GMT -5
At the risk of sounding indecisive, yes and no.
Yes, because of how much the rejection and lack of intimacy has impacted me, because we did not model an intimate marriage to our children, because of the financial impact it had on me after 20+ years of marriage, because it feels much more daunting to start over at 50, because I allowed my marriage to prevent me from being the best me at all times.
No, because I achieved my promise to myself of being present and involved during the most formative years when my children needed me most, which I firmly believe has resulted in them becoming smart, respectful, grounded and well-rounded young adults. My children are the only reason I chose to stay as many years as I did. While I didn't win any Father of the Year awards, I'm confident that I was a loving parent and an important role model.
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 20, 2017 21:14:46 GMT -5
Nope. 23yrs of pain and pleasure. But love was always there...just didn't realize it some years.
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Post by h on Jun 21, 2017 6:53:41 GMT -5
Still too early to tell since:
1. I haven't been awake and aware long enough to think about it.
2. I haven't decided yet if I am going to stay past my self-imposed deadline.
I'll let you know next year.
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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2017 7:10:18 GMT -5
The 5 responses to here seem to clearly indicate that I have framed the question rather poorly.
I've re-read the question and obviously the way I've framed it asks the responder to give an opinion on an event that hasn't completed (and might not be completed) which is a pretty impossible task.
My apologies to the members.
I might put it up again after I revise the question.
Maybe along the lines -
#1 - (To people who have left) - Has leaving enhanced your life ?
#2 - (To people who are staying) - Has staying enhanced your life ?
Something along those lines would be fairer as the responders would both be giving their respective views on real life events right now.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jun 21, 2017 11:01:46 GMT -5
As i am preparing to leave now, yes, i do regret staying for all of the grief that it caused me. I cannot say that i would have or could have done it any other way, however, given that i was very fixated on the wellbeing of my children. When the natural end finally did come, there was no longer anything i could do otherwise but accept and move on.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 21, 2017 11:21:49 GMT -5
I'm not in a good frame of mind right now as I go through this. In a nutshell, though, I believe I will regret staying.
I've got perhaps four more years of this, for the sake of the kids, and the more I dig into this the more I wonder if I can keep my end of the happy home facade up and functional.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jun 22, 2017 0:05:32 GMT -5
Right now I do not regret staying and staying had enhanced my life.
I would not be the person I am today without him. I would more than likely be a shadow of the beast that is my mother. He has opened my eyes (and continues to do so) about how I am truly nothing like her and should never care about her approval or love... because the damage she will cause is far too great of a cost.
He has made me feel my hobbies are worthy and important and he made me a mother.
I would also not be on my path to becoming an MD... So you know, that is cool too.
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meerin
Junior Member
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Post by meerin on Jun 22, 2017 4:47:26 GMT -5
I regret staying, but I will likely stay a bit longer.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 22, 2017 9:33:16 GMT -5
Right now I do not regret staying and staying had enhanced my life. I would not be the person I am today without him. I would more than likely be a shadow of the beast that is my mother. He has opened my eyes (and continues to do so) about how I am truly nothing like her and should never care about her approval or love... because the damage she will cause is far too great of a cost. He has made me feel my hobbies are worthy and important and he made me a mother. I would also not be on my path to becoming an MD... So you know, that is cool too. Do you expect that feeling to continue? For that feeling to continue, is it important that you remain married? |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 22, 2017 10:09:32 GMT -5
Even though I'm in Opposite Land I feel like my 23 year marriage qualifies me to contribute to this post: I do not regret staying. My ex and I had good times too. It wasn't a horrible marriage 100% of the time. It had its ups and downs and yes there was dysfunction but we shared a family, built 2 houses, took a few vacations, have 2 great kids, etc. I just don't believe in regrets. I agree with jim44444 it's not productive like why chasing. I believe in looking forward not back. What do I want for myself and my future? I would want my same kids, so if I had to do it all again I would - no regrets. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2017 10:56:54 GMT -5
I am kind of in the same boat as bballgirl. I stayed for 28 years before I left, so I kind of feel like I did stay. Sometimes, I think I lost a lot of time and enjoyment by staying with my abusive refuser for so long. However, when I realize that I did not have to be a part time dad, it does seem worth it. I cannot put a value on the long talks with my daughters, going to band concerts and volleyball games, taking them and friends to parties and dances. As a part time dad, I would not have had nearly as much time with them as I did. So when it gets down to it, it was worth it to stay until they were out of HS. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jun 22, 2017 11:11:35 GMT -5
Right now I do not regret staying and staying had enhanced my life. I would not be the person I am today without him. I would more than likely be a shadow of the beast that is my mother. He has opened my eyes (and continues to do so) about how I am truly nothing like her and should never care about her approval or love... because the damage she will cause is far too great of a cost. He has made me feel my hobbies are worthy and important and he made me a mother. I would also not be on my path to becoming an MD... So you know, that is cool too. Do you expect that feeling to continue? For that feeling to continue, is it important that you remain married? Do you expect that feeling to continue? For now, yes, I can't say how I or he will feel in ten years or even two years but right now we are connected and happy and always thinking of our future together. We have normal and healthy disagreements that we actually talk about, we snuggle every night and compliment each other every day, I don't know if I could have any of that if I had decided to leave right now. For that feeling to continue, is it important that you remain married? For now, yes! Absolutely. I would not have the emotional support or the cheerleader behind me if I wasn't married. I need him and lean on him for many things |
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