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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 22, 2017 11:39:00 GMT -5
Do you expect that feeling to continue? For now, yes, I can't say how I or he will feel in ten years or even two years but right now we are connected and happy and always thinking of our future together. We have normal and healthy disagreements that we actually talk about, we snuggle every night and compliment each other every day, I don't know if I could have any of that if I had decided to leave right now. For that feeling to continue, is it important that you remain married? For now, yes! Absolutely. I would not have the emotional support or the cheerleader behind me if I wasn't married. I need him and lean on him for many things Maybe I misunderstood your prior posts. You seemed starved for normal human sexual intimacy and hurt deeply that he avoids having sex with you. Did I get that wrong? For the "feeling to continue bit" I meant, would you cease to take with you what you have learned or enjoyed so far from your relationship with him. I'm grateful for my parents, for example. I got to a place partly as a result of their upbringing and became the person I am, who I mostly like. But if I stayed with them much longer past my due date, I don't think I (or they) could have continued to grow in a way that seemed natural or inevitable. Are you saying that if you changed your celibate association with this man away from presenting as a "marriage", into that of an "ex-spouse", that you are confident you would not maintain an amicable and mutually supportive relationship that includes some elements of comfort and care? Or are you saying that the mutual fantasy of a marriage brings something on its own? |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jun 22, 2017 12:09:47 GMT -5
Do you expect that feeling to continue? For now, yes, I can't say how I or he will feel in ten years or even two years but right now we are connected and happy and always thinking of our future together. We have normal and healthy disagreements that we actually talk about, we snuggle every night and compliment each other every day, I don't know if I could have any of that if I had decided to leave right now. For that feeling to continue, is it important that you remain married? For now, yes! Absolutely. I would not have the emotional support or the cheerleader behind me if I wasn't married. I need him and lean on him for many things Maybe I misunderstood your prior posts. You seemed starved for normal human sexual intimacy and hurt deeply that he avoids having sex with you. Did I get that wrong? For the "feeling to continue bit" I meant, would you cease to take with you what you have learned or enjoyed so far from your relationship with him. I'm grateful for my parents, for example. I got to a place partly as a result of their upbringing and became the person I am, who I mostly like. But if I stayed with them much longer past my due date, I don't think I (or they) could have continued to grow in a way that seemed natural or inevitable. Are you saying that if you changed your celibate association with this man away from presenting as a "marriage", into that of an "ex-spouse", that you are confident you would not maintain an amicable and mutually supportive relationship that includes some elements of comfort and care? Or are you saying that the mutual fantasy of a marriage brings something on its own? Maybe I should clarify my current situation a little more- My H is actively trying. He is making serious, and time consuming, life changes and our communication has increased ten fold. His normal reset (because obviously I have brought this up in our 8.5 years of marriage) was 2 months before returning to the "norm". Whereas now, we are at almost six months with no slow down. In fact, since January the frequency continues to increase, as does the communication. I actually feel like we are on a real path out of being in a SM. We are up to every 10-14 days, from every 8-14 weeks. Are there still things I want? Absolutely! Am I willing to ruin my family, my life and my possible career so that I can possibly get a little more sex? Hell no. Not right now. Also, if we were to separate I would have to move back to a place I hate and walk away from my schooling (again), I would have to give up my daughter's way of life and possibly damage her future. Plus, I am happy, do I have days where I am pent up horny with no where to put it? Oh yeah, but they are much more manageable,and being horny doesn't ruin my life. Being told no all the time was what was hurting so much. I think our relationship is healthy for my daughter to see - We touch and kiss and play, she sees us talk, debate, and do activities together with intent on just being together, I do not think her view of our relationship is in any way damaging. We are adults talking and working together to be even happier, I think that is an excellent example! I hope that all makes sense. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 22, 2017 13:50:07 GMT -5
My H is actively trying. He is making serious, and time consuming, life changes and our communication has increased ten fold. His normal reset (because obviously I have brought this up in our 8.5 years of marriage) was 2 months before returning to the "norm". Whereas now, we are at almost six months with no slow down. In fact, since January the frequency continues to increase, as does the communication. I actually feel like we are on a real path out of being in a SM. We are up to every 10-14 days, from every 8-14 weeks. Are there still things I want? Absolutely! Am I willing to ruin my family, my life and my possible career so that I can possibly get a little more sex? Hell no. Not right now. I had a turnaround too for a while, but in my case the appearance of progress was based on a faulty assumption of the fundamentals - I was focused on things like frequency and other positive and intimate but platonic elements of our relationship, with also a wider view of sex in general, so I'm projecting my own experience. For the benefit of others who might feel similarly, apart from the twice a month interval, how is the QUALITY or CHARACTER of the sex and of the circumstances around it? Do you feel that he wants this sex with you that he's having, or is it more a thing where there's a reluctance to it, like a loving chore? I hear ya. I agonized over that for so long. Eventually, I realized I had framed it in a way that wasn't helpful and that didn't make sense for my situation. The dilemma posed and agreed to is "family vs sex". And, because the core of the family I was trying to preserve was marriage (I still have a family, though I do not live as married, and my ex-wife is a part of that family, albeit extended), it's more accurately framed as "marriage vs sex". Of course, the idea that I'd ruin my marriage because I wanted sex in it, is absurd. It's not helpful. And (with me), it wasn't about "a little more sex". Lifting the lid, the amount of sex I had in my marriage was the product of my wife being averse to sex with me, vs the consequence of not having sex with me. So, she had sex with me occassionally and did not want the sex she had with me. On the best days, I think she attended to it in the way I'd lovingly change the diapers of my babies. It was a duty that I attended to with care as a part of a loving relationship, but I'd rather not have done if I didn't have to. You know? Gradually I shifted my thinking from amount of sex, or presence of sex, toward how I felt that I knew my wife didn't want sex with me but would choose to have it anyway , and that she wasn't going to start wanting sex with me if I tried I made her realize how good, skilled, loving sex could be. Rather than frequency, I reframed it as WANTING sex with me. I wanted to be wanted. That was a bridge to far for her, and therein lied the truth of our efforts and the likely trajectory over the long run. I realize though, I think this is part of why I went to such extreme measures to stick -- I, myself, did overcome a period of a couple years of sexual aversion to my partner in which I was every bit a refuser, at one point in my twenties. So I thought if I could do it, anyone could. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2017 17:32:33 GMT -5
I'm with bballgirl. My kids are the best thing I've ever done and they came from this marriage, so if I had to do this marriage again to get my kids? I would in a heartbeat. I do not regret it one bit for that reason alone. Furthermore, I think sometimes a marriage can fulfill a purpose (in my case, my kids) and then the partners are ready to move on.
I also agree with FlashJohn that staying for the kids can be worth it, particularly in a low conflict marriage where there is no yelling or overt abuse witnessed by the children. Raising kids and not wanting to be a single parent and not wanting to share my kids on weekends/holidays is one reason I've stayed so long. Unless H does something abusive to our children, I don't see regretting staying for that reason either.
There's no right or wrong answer to the SM problem, just the choice each one of us makes. Comparing my choice to someone else's is like comparing apples to oranges.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 22, 2017 19:43:50 GMT -5
Something I am not reading yet is " I want my (fill in the blank___) years of SM back!! All those years gone could have been years of a sex filled marriage, while pro creating, and raising children, with someone else who valued sex and respected me as much as I did them.
I have read that numerous times when talking about SM. Feeling robbed, swindled, taken, used, manipulated, cheated, etc.... often used as a valid reason for having sex with someone else while still being married to a refuser. (cheating is an ugly word. Rarely used when talking about the refusers actions)
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 23, 2017 6:51:05 GMT -5
I regret having stayed so long. If I had know before, what I know now and if I had had a little more courage long ago, I would have left him after the first three months of courting. That is when I had my first doubts but were too stupid and too much of a coward to quit.
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