Our family counselor did a little exercise with us. He had each of us write which one of us was putting in effort, by percentage ration. We held up our cards.
We had both put down 90%/10% as a ratio, but with opposite allotments.
He said this was a common outcome to this exercise, and that what we should each take from that is that clearly they both aren't correct, but rather that the areas in which we were applying effort - our goals and methods - might not be aligned.
Even with that advice, it was still quite some time before I grasped the meaning (which seems OBVIOUS) in hindsight of my wife trying to explain the scale of her effort at being a good mother and even just surviving or getting up in the morning, in a situation where she needed to "supply" desire and "give sex" to me. In essence, she was a trapped fairy princess and I was the tyrant ugly prince in her narrative.
If I backed up from the assumption that my wife actually WANTED to have sex with me, and instead proceeded from the assumption that she was not into me at all, but was felt trapped into a situation in which she had an
obligation to fuck me, I was able to understand how SHE saw the amount of effort she was expending on sustaining the marriage, compared to me.
In other words, it was
easy for me because I was attracted and invested in her.
It was
hard for her because t
he thought of sleeping with me made her skin crawl, and later on, her realization that other extremely attractive women in her circles wanted me (when she was "unable" to want me), made her feel self loathing. She saw her own desire for me as a commodity to be built up and dispensed. As she methodically went at the problem, she realized she felt more respectful and admired me more when I was on display in the role of a good father, or in a social situation in which I entertained others. Being well-disposed and liking me and wanting to reward me in those roles was enough of an engine to motivate her to want to
reward me. As time went on, though, we realize a considerable difference between that and actually desiring or needing me in a sexual way.
We can all talk about what we "deserve" from our spouses until the cows come home. We might even be right in that.
What we want in a spouse, or what anyone
should want from a romantic partner, means diddly squat in terms of what's on supply. Your partner feels it organically or they don't. If they feel it, they are going to want to bang you, even when life is shitty.
YOU want to bang your partner, even though life is shitty, right? Even though you fight and there is a lot of stress?
In saying what she's saying, it's the same as Mrs Apocrypha. She's telling you her engines are ALREADY going and that by her measure, she's putting in 90% of the effort and compromise, and you 10%. Forget shaming her selfishness etc., she's TELLING you how she feels, and you can weigh the results. Run that engine for another year or so and where do you think you will each end up?
