"It's all about you!"

In truth, I think most relationships are about *you*.
And I see that as a good thing.

It seems to me that that is where relationships start going down the chute, when one of the participants gets co-erced (or chooses t0 be) into a subordinate role, drops their self focus and starts making the relationship all about the other person. To me, that ain't healthy.

I think that two people in a marriage, both with developed self focus, a sense of their own worth etc is actually a highly functional situation. It actually value adds to the "us", it does not detract from it.
It mutually respects both people in the dynamic and what they individually bring to the joint table.

In my own deal, the relationship is as much about me as it is about Ms enna.
And from her side, as much about Ms enna as it is about me.
Seems to work just fine.

I hope you don't get offended by this, but I am compelled to say it, "WHAT A HORRIBLY SELFISH THING TO SAY!  SHE IS AN EVIL BITCH!" If she gave a tiny shit about you, she would at least be willing to discuss it, but she refuses to do even that.

Relationships should really be about 2 (or more
... I have an open mind) emotionally healthy people who support each other's happiness.

That's it really. It's not even that hard is it!

I can't accept that marriage should ever be a 90/10 split.

What I CAN accept is that marriage should be a 90/90 split.  That is to say: it IS about giving.  And are more aware of all the "little things you do" and "little sacrifices you make" than you are of your spouses.  So if both sides feel they are giving 90%, things are about right.  It all balances out, and you have a wonderful, fulfilling, balanced marriage.

In most areas of my marriage outside of sex and intimacy, I'd say for the most part I had that.  ("It's all good except the sex".)  But that missing 80% in the sex-and-intimacy department has become a deal breaker, discoloring the rest of the marriage.

Our family counselor did a little exercise with us. He had each of us write which one of us was putting in effort, by percentage ration. We held up our cards.
We had both put down 90%/10% as a ratio, but with opposite allotments.

He said this was a common outcome to this exercise, and that what we should each take from that is that clearly they both aren't correct, but rather that the areas in which we were applying effort - our goals and methods - might not be aligned.

Even with that advice, it was still quite some time before I grasped the meaning (which seems OBVIOUS) in hindsight of my wife trying to explain the scale of her effort at being a good mother and even just surviving or getting up in the morning, in a situation where she needed to "supply" desire and "give sex" to me. In essence, she was a trapped fairy princess and I was the tyrant ugly prince in her narrative.

If I backed up from the assumption that my wife actually WANTED to have sex with me, and instead proceeded from the assumption that she was not into me at all, but was felt trapped into a situation in which she had an obligation to fuck me, I was able to understand how SHE saw the amount of effort she was expending on sustaining the marriage, compared to me.

In other words, it was easy for me because I was attracted and invested in her.
It was hard for her because the thought of sleeping with me made her skin crawl, and later on, her realization that other extremely attractive women in her circles wanted me (when she was "unable" to want me), made her feel self loathing. She saw her own desire for me as a commodity to be built up and dispensed. As she methodically went at the problem, she realized she felt more respectful and admired me more when I was on display in the role of a good father, or in a social situation in which I entertained others. Being well-disposed and liking me and wanting to reward me in those roles was enough of an engine to motivate her to want to reward me. As time went on, though, we realize a considerable difference between that and actually desiring or needing me in a sexual way.  

We can all talk about what we "deserve" from our spouses until the cows come home. We might even be right in that.
What we want in a spouse, or what anyone should want from a romantic partner, means diddly squat in terms of what's on supply. Your partner feels it organically or they don't. If they feel it, they are going to want to bang you, even when life is shitty.

YOU want to bang your partner, even though life is shitty, right? Even though you fight and there is a lot of stress?

In saying what she's saying, it's the same as Mrs Apocrypha. She's telling you her engines are ALREADY going and that by her measure, she's putting in 90% of the effort and compromise, and you 10%.  Forget shaming her selfishness etc., she's TELLING you how she feels, and you can weigh the results. Run that engine for another year or so and where do you think you will each end up?

"it's all about you isn't it?"

Just another reversal in the DARVO. Another broad sweeping denial that anything could be their blame. Another meaningless ,emotion based, fact less statement ,to avoid any responsibility.
I'd bet a nickel if you asked her "what do you mean by "it"? give me three examples? You would get more of the same fact less broad sweeping cliches. "That's all you ever think about" or something completely off the subject.

After proving how useless her rhetoric is on you, she can also "shut down" completely, by detaching from any conversations. The easier it gets for you to say, "we are finished".