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Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 17:48:24 GMT -5
She has the marriage she wants but you don't. Is celibacy an option anymore for you. I would lay your cards on the table and sometimes people have to be scared straight. Me personally- I don't want sex with someone that doesn't want it with me, the way I want it. Marriage is about compromise and sex is part of marriage. What if you decided that you no longer feel like working at your job and you'd rather live in a smaller house with a more modest lifestyle. Maybe make that unilateral decision, of course I'm not serious though. However and this is just me - I'd lay my cards on the table and tell her "you better start fucking enthusiastically at least once a week or this marriage is over". Perfectly stated. I have been the sole breadwinner for seven years in a stressful higher-end job but as you might expect stress=good pay. If I just went home today and said, "I decided to quit, too much stress and I don't really like stress." no one would consider that an appropriate relationship decision. She hears you but either doesn't care or just can't make herself care enough. I came to the conclusion with my spouse that she cared but it would be like her asking me to be taller. She can want it all she wants but I can't grow another inch of height. I can want her to want to have passionate, spontaneous sex but it's just not there. I think they care and deep down they know they are wrong but on one hand we enable their poor behavior and on the other hand they are not capable of being intimate the way we would like. It's a very sad situation and mentally and emotionally draining. I understand it's tough. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 19, 2017 18:07:39 GMT -5
"The thing is the refusers know they are making the wrong choice but the longer we let them get away with it the behavior repeats and they feel there will never be consequences. "
They are making the right choice for themselves. They do not want to have sex with their spouse so they do not do that. They have what they like in the marriage. They don't have to do with they don't like to do. They may enjoy the companionship, financial benefits, social status, and convenience of marriage. They are doing right by themselves.
The people who are making a mistake are the ones who want a marriage with sex, but continue to stay with someone who refuses to do that. They do not have the marriage they want, but they remain in it.
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Post by baza on Jun 19, 2017 21:13:30 GMT -5
So it now emerges that you are actually reviewing your choice to stay Brother alreadygone and have taken the appropriate legal advice et al. Next thing to keep in mind is the pressure you will come under when (if) you choose to leave and you convey your choice to your missus. Whatever prep work you can do now will pay off in spades later. Things like "re-set sex". Outright aggression and intimidation. Contrition and leg clinging. Promises. Guilt induction. To mention but a few. Your missus will know you well enough to know which weak spots in your armour exist to probe and exploit. Plenty of mental rehearsal can be helpful. |
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Post by alreadygone on Jun 20, 2017 3:45:15 GMT -5
Solid perspectives. Thank you all for chiming in. It's an eye-opener!
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Post by Dan on Jun 20, 2017 7:14:08 GMT -5
... I have expressed to her many times how this is destroying me from the inside out, but she just doesn't seem to register anything. She deflects and defends and moves on. She does not see or feel that there is a problem. The worst part to understand is when she just goes on and on about future things - things that need to be done or that she is looking forward to. It's like she is in complete denial that I have even talked to her about this serious problem. This is bizarre to me. Has anyone else experienced this? What is this? How can I cope with it? Marital therapy can sometimes help bridge a communications gap. Sometimes there are techniques to better communication that can be learned; or bad communication habits exposed and reduced; or sometimes the guidance of having a professional talk therapist in the room can allow something unsaid so far to finally be safely discussed. Some marital problems can be well addressed is the communication problems are fixed up. Alas, going by the anecdotal reports of ILIASM members, a substantial sex-drive mismatch is rarely one of the problems that can be addressed by better communication alone. So if you need her to HEAR you... try marital therapy. But you may find once she is better able to hear you that she is still unable or unwilling to do anything about it. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 20, 2017 8:07:09 GMT -5
The problem isn't that she doesn't hear you. There is nothing wrong with her hearing. She hears you express your pain about the sm. She just doesn't care.
You can not make someone love you the way you want.
You can learn to love yourself and to hear yourself well so that you let go of a relationship that is crushing your soul.
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meerin
Junior Member
Posts: 29 
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Post by meerin on Jun 22, 2017 4:56:01 GMT -5
It's perspective. We see the problem every night when we lie down next to a partner that won't fuck us; every time we see a couple embrace or sex in a tv show; every time we feel lonely.
They see the problem only when we *sigh* bring it up again. So for them, the relationship is 90% problem free.
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Jun 25, 2017 0:16:16 GMT -5
Welcome. If you read enough here you will see patterns emerge. One of those patterns is that refusers do not compromise. Most of us would gladly reach some balance point between our HL and our partner's LL, but too often refusers are content with a marriage or relationship without sex - and they expect you to just accept it. In their minds, it is ok for them to insist on celibacy for us, but not ok for us to insist on more sex. They feel they have the moral high ground.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 25, 2017 1:31:12 GMT -5
What if you decided that you no longer feel like working at your job and you'd rather live in a smaller house with a more modest lifestyle. That's actually a really fair comparison, I think. What if I decide I no longer want to be a highly-paid nuclear scientist (yeah, right), and instead want to take a minimum-wage job with no benefits? Still employed, but at a very different standard of living than W expected. An apartment and public transportation instead of a big home and new cars. I mean, it's entirely my choice, right? I'm the one who has to do the work, so if I don't want to anymore she should just learn to adapt. After all, money and lifestyle aren't the foundation of marriage, right? But curiously, people would take up W's side, arguing that there was an expectation that I'd continue my career path. That I had an obligation to maintain that standard of living. How could I have misled her so badly, and why am I such a lazy lout? |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 25, 2017 7:00:43 GMT -5
What if you decided that you no longer feel like working at your job and you'd rather live in a smaller house with a more modest lifestyle. That's actually a really fair comparison, I think. What if I decide I no longer want to be a highly-paid nuclear scientist (yeah, right), and instead want to take a minimum-wage job with no benefits? Still employed, but at a very different standard of living than W expected. An apartment and public transportation instead of a big home and new cars. I mean, it's entirely my choice, right? I'm the one who has to do the work, so if I don't want to anymore she should just learn to adapt. After all, money and lifestyle aren't the foundation of marriage, right? But curiously, people would take up W's side, arguing that there was an expectation that I'd continue my career path. That I had an obligation to maintain that standard of living. How could I have misled her so badly, and why am I such a lazy lout? And with a SM people would take the refused side. However we are talking about sex and we don't share that issue outside for the whole world to know. Sex, intimacy, and connection should be more of a foundation for a relationship than cars, money, or houses. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 25, 2017 7:13:23 GMT -5
That's actually a really fair comparison, I think. What if I decide I no longer want to be a highly-paid nuclear scientist (yeah, right), and instead want to take a minimum-wage job with no benefits? Still employed, but at a very different standard of living than W expected. An apartment and public transportation instead of a big home and new cars. I mean, it's entirely my choice, right? I'm the one who has to do the work, so if I don't want to anymore she should just learn to adapt. After all, money and lifestyle aren't the foundation of marriage, right? But curiously, people would take up W's side, arguing that there was an expectation that I'd continue my career path. That I had an obligation to maintain that standard of living. How could I have misled her so badly, and why am I such a lazy lout? And with a SM people would take the refused side. However we are talking about sex and we don't share that issue outside for the whole world to know. Sex, intimacy, and connection should be more of a foundation for a relationship than cars, money, or houses. This really strikes home. i agree with both of you. It also hits in the area of "all is great, bar the sex" that we see on here. A few posts more and, out comes the control factor about so many other issues in the marriage. I could wright many paragraphs about the going for a lower job, and all the changes. Only mine has been the opposite. The higher jobs, the bigger house, the bigger family, the taking on grandparents, etc.... All things that where not even on my radar. Plans that where no where in my mind. All things that I gave in on. Giving and not taking again. Add on to that words verses actions. It all can sound promising and doable in words. Then comes the reality of who ends up handling the bulk of all the actions? The same with a SM. Who ends up wanting, needing, doing, all the actions? while the other partner is big on words? |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 25, 2017 8:06:09 GMT -5
And with a SM people would take the refused side. However we are talking about sex and we don't share that issue outside for the whole world to know. Sex, intimacy, and connection should be more of a foundation for a relationship than cars, money, or houses. This really strikes home. i agree with both of you. It also hits in the area of "all is great, bar the sex" that we see on here. A few posts more and, out comes the control factor about so many other issues in the marriage. I could wright many paragraphs about the going for a lower job, and all the changes. Only mine has been the opposite. The higher jobs, the bigger house, the bigger family, the taking on grandparents, etc.... All things that where not even on my radar. Plans that where no where in my mind. All things that I gave in on. Giving and not taking again. Add on to that words verses actions. It all can sound promising and doable in words. Then comes the reality of who ends up handling the bulk of all the actions? The same with a SM. Who ends up wanting, needing, doing, all the actions? while the other partner is big on words? Yes it's a hard lesson to learn but it has been learned. I will never settle or keep my mouth shut if I'm not happy with the way a relationship is going. "This is what I need and expect, if you are not capable then I'm not the one for you", is my new mantra when needed. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 25, 2017 8:06:35 GMT -5
And with a SM people would take the refused side. However we are talking about sex and we don't share that issue outside for the whole world to know. Sex, intimacy, and connection should be more of a foundation for a relationship than cars, money, or houses. This really strikes home. i agree with both of you. It also hits in the area of "all is great, bar the sex" that we see on here. A few posts more and, out comes the control factor about so many other issues in the marriage. I could wright many paragraphs about the going for a lower job, and all the changes. Only mine has been the opposite. The higher jobs, the bigger house, the bigger family, the taking on grandparents, etc.... All things that where not even on my radar. Plans that where no where in my mind. All things that I gave in on. Giving and not taking again. Add on to that words verses actions. It all can sound promising and doable in words. Then comes the reality of who ends up handling the bulk of all the actions? The same with a SM. Who ends up wanting, needing, doing, all the actions? while the other partner is big on words? Yes it's a hard lesson to learn but it has been learned. I will never settle or keep my mouth shut if I'm not happy with the way a relationship is going. "This is what I need and expect, if you are not capable then I'm not the one for you", is my new mantra when needed. |
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fred
New Member
Posts: 18 
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Post by fred on Jun 25, 2017 8:08:23 GMT -5
Know what's worse ? A mate who agrees when you flat-out ask. Knowing I'm the only one benefitting from the sex is worse than going without.
I resent my own resentment and the constant need to constrain and hide my anger.
Answer to your question: a wife who displays a "go ahead if YOU want to" is worse...........maybe.
Sorry for your plight - be sorry for mine
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 25, 2017 8:51:00 GMT -5
Know what's worse ? A mate who agrees when you flat-out ask. Knowing I'm the only one benefitting from the sex is worse than going without. I resent my own resentment and the constant need to constrain and hide my anger. Answer to your question: a wife who displays a "go ahead if YOU want to" is worse...........maybe. Sorry for your plight - be sorry for mine Hi Fred! I am also realizing what decades of constraining my words, and hiding my words of discontent and resentment, have taught me to , well, hide my words!! To not be a very good communicator. For example. The men's bible study that I go to needs a new leader. I am normally the second most vocal in our class, and through my actions, (always being there) a good candidate. I take notes, I read them, I share my thoughts, and stories on how they affect my actions, past present, future. That does not make me a good leader of a class though. My thoughts take time, they don't get spoken very well. I can't do it. I am not that good at it. I might have great thoughts, I have years of experience. I also have years of suppression to deal with. Along with not being myself. Words don't flow off my tongue. Actions do, from my hands and feet! Allow me to speculate. Your wife's words are a double bind. More manipulative control. |
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