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Post by alreadygone on Jun 19, 2017 6:14:43 GMT -5
Longtime lurker. Almost seven years with zero sex, no medical issues, she just said she wasn't interested anymore. I have expressed to her many times how this is destroying me from the inside out, but she just doesn't seem to register anything. She deflects and defends and moves on. She does not see or feel that there is a problem.
The worst part to understand is when she just goes on and on about future things - things that need to be done or that she is looking forward to. It's like she is in complete denial that I have even talked to her about this serious problem. This is bizarre to me.
Has anyone else experienced this? What is this? How can I cope with it?
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 19, 2017 6:31:18 GMT -5
Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 19, 2017 6:40:38 GMT -5
Here's a simple way to look at it and remember it. Givers, and takers. You are a giver. You express your need to give and share yourself sexually and intimately with her. She is a taker. There is no problem, for her. Her needs are constantly being met. (She takes, and takes) I will bet a nickel that these future plans revolve all around her desires and needs. Your role in these future plans are to give to her while she continues to take from you. You will continue to receive the smallest percentage of giving from her that's needed. It will keep on getting smaller. Each time is a test to see how little giving she can get away with. Meanwhile the taking continues to increase. She hears what she wants to. In one ear and out the other. That's not what you signed up for in marriage. Time to knock her off her pedestal and level the playing field. shrink4men.com/2012/04/05/putting-women-on-pedestals-dont-do-it/ |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 19, 2017 6:46:46 GMT -5
She hears you but doesn't mind your unhappiness.
You hear yourself but would prefer to stay in misery instead of letting go of a woman who does not care about your unhappiness.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2017 6:50:37 GMT -5
A standard, and effective, communications technique is "reflecting" www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/reflecting.html. Both of you need to be on board with it but it really works. If she can reflect what you say (and vice versa) she would get it and you wouldn't be frustrated that she didn't hear you. There are some slight variants to the one in this link but it is a decent synopsis. And I'm realizing that while my wife and I did once practice this, we haven't in many years, and need to do it again. |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 19, 2017 6:52:01 GMT -5
Longtime lurker. Almost seven years with zero sex, no medical issues, she just said she wasn't interested anymore. I have expressed to her many times how this is destroying me from the inside out, but she just doesn't seem to register anything. She deflects and defends and moves on. She does not see or feel that there is a problem. The worst part to understand is when she just goes on and on about future things - things that need to be done or that she is looking forward to. It's like she is in complete denial that I have even talked to her about this serious problem. This is bizarre to me. Has anyone else experienced this? What is this? How can I cope with it? If she is willing to impose a vow of chastity upon you, is she willing to release you from your vow of mogonomy? As a long time lurker, you certainly know your three options: stay, leave, cheat. Only you can make that decision, but if she will release you from that particular vow it does open options. |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 19, 2017 7:16:00 GMT -5
A tried and trusted technique for getting through turbulent times is to keep your head down, pretend nobody can see you and just keep moving forward hoping that nobody will call your bluff. You would be surprised how often this actually works. She is not going to hear you until you escalate the issue far enough to get her attention. That might, of course, break your relationship. But maybe she is doing that anyway all by herself.
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Post by baza on Jun 19, 2017 7:20:00 GMT -5
Maybe Brother alreadygone , it is YOU who is not getting the message. She apparently told you 7 years ago that she wasn't sexually interested in you any more. Her actions since then have been consistent with what she said. She hasn't rooted you since. On the other hand you have registered your dissatisfaction with her choice to cease sexual contact with you "many times" apparently. But you have remained in the situation, essentially *going along" with her choice. You might not be *going along* with much enthusiasm at all, but you ARE *going along* with it none the less. Thus sending a very clear message to her that you are not about to rock the boat, other than to get a bit pissed off about it now and again. In your own unique ways, you both seem to be communicating quite clearly. She's made her choice, to end sexual contact with you. You've made your choice, to go along with her choice. She seems happy with her choice. Very hard to see why she'd want to review her choice. You, not so much. It might be time for you to reassess your choice. It doesn't seem to be working for you. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 11:23:31 GMT -5
She has the marriage she wants but you don't.
Is celibacy an option anymore for you.
I would lay your cards on the table and sometimes people have to be scared straight.
Me personally- I don't want sex with someone that doesn't want it with me, the way I want it.
Marriage is about compromise and sex is part of marriage. What if you decided that you no longer feel like working at your job and you'd rather live in a smaller house with a more modest lifestyle.
Maybe make that unilateral decision, of course I'm not serious though.
However and this is just me - I'd lay my cards on the table and tell her "you better start fucking enthusiastically at least once a week or this marriage is over".
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 19, 2017 11:51:40 GMT -5
You can't make someone engage in mutually enjoyable fucking. You might make them submit, but you can't make them take pleasure in pleasing you or engaging in sex with you.
Your wife clearly has no interest in fucking you., if she did, she would.
If you guilt her or cajole her into fucking, at best you will get starfish sex with her encouraging you to hurry up and end it.
If your goal is mutually fulfilling passionate sex, you will need to find a different partner, one who is sexually compatible with you. What you are now doing is a proven recipe for misery.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 19, 2017 12:57:16 GMT -5
Longtime lurker. Almost seven years with zero sex, no medical issues, she just said she wasn't interested anymore. [...] It's like she is in complete denial that I have even talked to her about this serious problem. This is bizarre to me. , try reading the kernal of this again, out loud. She isn't interested in you sexually. She straight up told you. There is nothing bizarre about that. How YOU feel about that doesn't matter at all. You are a person she doesn't want to have sex with. Think of a person you don't want to have sex with. Your sister. The coworker. Your friend from childhood. Any guy. Someone you might like enough but find otherwise unappealing. Now, imagine having to have sex with that person for the rest of your life. How do you "create" desire for a person who you don't? How do you do something about that? What can you possibly do to become attracted sexually to someone who you aren't. It's like you are in complete denial in that she's spoken to you about this serious problem. You are expecting a romantic, marital relationship from what is effectively an ex-spouse. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2017 14:22:55 GMT -5
Longtime lurker. Almost seven years with zero sex, no medical issues, she just said she wasn't interested anymore. I have expressed to her many times how this is destroying me from the inside out, but she just doesn't seem to register anything. She deflects and defends and moves on. She does not see or feel that there is a problem. The worst part to understand is when she just goes on and on about future things - things that need to be done or that she is looking forward to. It's like she is in complete denial that I have even talked to her about this serious problem. This is bizarre to me. Has anyone else experienced this? What is this? How can I cope with it? First of all, welcome! I am glad to see you, but sorry that you found yourself here. To answer your question, yes, I have experienced this. My refuser told me that I should be happy and fulfilled in a marriage that did not involve sex. What is it? In my opinion, you are married to a person who is self-absorbed. How can you cope? Well, there are 3 options: 1) Stay, 2) Outsource, or 3) Leave. I prefer the term outsourcing to cheating because, in my opinion, you cannot cheat on someone who is refusing you on a continual basis. Six years definitely qualifies. All you are doing is finding someone who will do the job that your spouse refuses to do. If you stay, you need to plan on being miserable as long as you have a sex drive. Even after it is gone, you may still be miserable because of all the sex you missed out on. If you outsource, you will have to be secretive, and figure out how to keep this from your refuser. You also risk exposure and all that goes along with that. If you leave, you will feel guilty. It will be very painful, but will eventually get better. And I have not ever read an account of a refused spouse who divorced a refuser and regretted it. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2017 17:12:05 GMT -5
She has the marriage she wants but you don't. Is celibacy an option anymore for you. I would lay your cards on the table and sometimes people have to be scared straight. Me personally- I don't want sex with someone that doesn't want it with me, the way I want it. Marriage is about compromise and sex is part of marriage. What if you decided that you no longer feel like working at your job and you'd rather live in a smaller house with a more modest lifestyle. Maybe make that unilateral decision, of course I'm not serious though. However and this is just me - I'd lay my cards on the table and tell her "you better start fucking enthusiastically at least once a week or this marriage is over". Perfectly stated. I have been the sole breadwinner for seven years in a stressful higher-end job but as you might expect stress=good pay. If I just went home today and said, "I decided to quit, too much stress and I don't really like stress." no one would consider that an appropriate relationship decision. She hears you but either doesn't care or just can't make herself care enough. I came to the conclusion with my spouse that she cared but it would be like her asking me to be taller. She can want it all she wants but I can't grow another inch of height. I can want her to want to have passionate, spontaneous sex but it's just not there. |
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Post by alreadygone on Jun 19, 2017 17:27:15 GMT -5
I am actually ready to pull the string and get a divorce. I have already spoken with a lawyer my buddy recommended. I guess the central question was answered. I'm ready to exit while she is still talking about future things (yeh, they all benefit her).....and both of us working off of the same shared info. Crazy.
You're right. She still has the life she wants and somehow weirdly expects it to be the life I am okay with going forward.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 17:42:37 GMT -5
I am actually ready to pull the string and get a divorce. I have already spoken with a lawyer my buddy recommended. I guess the central question was answered. I'm ready to exit while she is still talking about future things (yeh, they all benefit her).....and both of us working off of the same shared info. Crazy. You're right. She still has the life she wants and somehow weirdly expects it to be the life I am okay with going forward. Go after the life you want for yourself. We are all humans given one life on this Earth. Nobody should be neglected, abused, or taken for granted. The thing is the refusers know they are making the wrong choice but the longer we let them get away with it the behavior repeats and they feel there will never be consequences. It's like a teacher (us) in a classroom and she knows a student is copying work and cheating but the teacher puts an A on the paper or even a B and of course the student will continue not to study and to cheat. |
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