Frustrating

"It's the general sexual drive, though some think it's H in general. I don't always feel the sexual drive period."

You don't have to feel the sex drive to engage in some kind of sex act with your husband. Many women erroneously feel they have to be horny to have sex. Truth is (and you can Google to find the research on this), engaging in sex inspires many women to then desire sex act. If they wait until they feel horny, they may seldom or never have sex. Yet, if they engage in sex, they may find it very fulfilling.

It is, of course, possible that a woman who's disinterested in sex could engage in it and be too dry for sex to be comfortable. If that is your fear, then you could choose to give your husband a hand job or a blow job. You also could focus on giving him a nice experience. Presumably, you love your husband. If you don't love your husband, then you might as well stop reading and start wondering why you are bothering to stay married.

In your case, I have certainly seen evidence that your husband loves you. The biggest evidence for this is that he suggested that you leave a job and remain home unemployed for what I at least consider trivial reasons. You say that your marketing job was crappy and the other coworkers were lazy, unfriendly, and you had to pick up a lot of their load. You say that all jobs in your town are like that. My response is, "Wecome to the real world." I've had those kind of jobs and felt that those were my options. Indeed, if that's what your town is like, that's what your husband is experiencing -- plus being in a job that requires him to do hard physical labor outside for 10-hour days in 101 degree heat. He could have chosen to tell you that you had it by comparison damned good, and should count your blessings and continue to contribute financially to the family including the two teen girls you helped create. Instead, he suggested that you quit your job and not go back to work.

To me, his doing that showed enormous love and caring for you. And, it could be viewed as very romantic of him to do that.

If you even spent time thinking about what a gift he has given you -- the freedom to basically spend your days doing what you want including writing your novels-- you could use your feeling of appreciation to want to do something for him.

You could do something like on his day off or after he has worked a hard workday offer him a massage -- for him, not for you. You could ask him about his day and listen sympathetically and appreciatively while he complains about the heat or the other things that made the day long and difficult for him. You could rub oil over his back and then rub your oiled body up and down his oiled back -- to give him pleasure, to ease his sore muscles, to show appreciation.

You could have him turn over and then continue your massage and end it with a loving blow job for him.

You wouldn't have to be hot for him. You wouldn't have to be lubricated. You'd just need to love him enough to touch him and suck him.

Is that really too much to ask for a man who spends 10 hours a day in what sounds like a job from hell to support you and your family?

If your response to this suggestion is, "But what's in it for me? I want romance," then I think your marriage is unsalvagable.

I am not suggesting that giving massages and blowjobs would be all that should occur in your marriage. I am suggesting that your husband every day when he goes to work does something that is loving and romantic, something that you seem to be taking for granted while fantasizing about romance novel heroes, people who are fantasies, not reality.

Truth is that to many women -- including many of the refused here, you have what could be a dream marriage. You have a good looking husband with a nice body who works hard and expresses sexual desire for you. You don't have to work, and so are able to stay home and pursue your interests all day if you choose. Meanwhile, he gets to pursue his hobby of going to the shooting range once a week and on someone else's dime because he can't afford a club membership (presumably something that might be affordable if you had a job). And he has all of the financial responsibility of teen daughters. Presumably if they plan to go to college or vocational school or get married, those bills will be on him as will be supporting both of you in old age. That's a huge, stressful responsibility that he's carrying. Love for you is the only reason I can think that he would choose to suggest that you permanently not work due to dislike of your job or of any job in your town. Few people have jobs that they love, yet they go to work because that's what it means to be a responsible adult. I doubt your husband delights in his job, yet he does it.

Unlike others, I haven't seen evidence that he's a counter refuser. You've said that he has asked you baldly for a blow job or hand job. Perhaps he's doing that because he has gone for a while without sex due to your claiming to have no libido. He may think that you have no interest in intercourse, but might at least be willing to give him some sexual relief. There certainly are plenty of refused men who have posted here such thoughts about their wives.

Anyway, I see a lot of love and romance in what your husband does for you every day. It's not romance like bringing you flowers or saying sweet words, but it is romantic that he works a very tough job to give you a comfortable life. You can choose -- as you take the time to stay in bed late or write your novel on days he's out repairing wind turbins -- to think loving thoughts of appreciation for him or you can choose to dwell on what might happen if you were the heroine in a romance novel. He really is giving you a lot of what you want in life. I don't think it's too much to ask of you to give him things like massages and blow jobs. If you focus on giving him pleasure instead of waiting for him to do things for you, you might find yourself getting turned on and eventually happily engaging in mutually pleasuarable intercourse.

I also suggest that you find a way to maintain a less discheveled house. Engage your teens into helping. That's part of what it means to be a caring family. I don't blame him after working 10 hour days to feel irritated at coming home to a house that is unkempt. Your saying you don't like to clean isn't a good excuse. He probably doesn't love to climb wind turbines and maintain them, but he does that for as long as 10 hours a day. I bet you'd feel it was a slap in the face and unacceptable if he were to stop working because he didn't like his job. His doing something like that would make you feel unsupported and unloved. That's probably how he feels when he comes home to a mess: unappreciated, unloved like you don't give a damn.