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Post by warmways on Jun 19, 2017 17:57:52 GMT -5
My H and I had a few discussions lately. I moved into the guest bedroom a few weeks ago. He told his mom and brother he'd treated me really badly by neglecting and withdrawing sex from for 17 years. He said he wants to stay married even after I told him that I couldn't go back and that I'd changed. He is now trying everything. He has never vacuumed or done house chores and he's doing everything now. My bday was yesterday and he brought coffee in bed and showered me with gifts. He hates to go out but he went to sing karaoke with me last night and is going canoeing with me He used to not take care of the cats and dog and now he's taking care of them and taking the dog out every morning for a long hike at 5:30 am. He told me he treated me like s:&? and he had been a d/;&. Now he's on the phone with his brother saying how he used to not want to do stuff with me that he'd rather smoke weed or watch tv but now he does everything I suggest. The problem is that I no longer feel anything besides friendship for him. He read a book called Resisiting Happiness and he's taken every single word to heart and it's like he's had a personality transplant. He says he knows what the right thing to do is and we naturally want to do the right thing and bringing someone joy is so impossible and that love is a verb and that he used to resist and feel like s:?& for doing that. He said he had self loathing and guilt when he would hear me crying myself to sleep some nights. The problem is that all this came to late. He is now talking to his brother about how I taught him so much. That stuff he's reading in this book I'd told him about a long time ago. It's painful to think of leaving him but I've become numb from the emotional abuse and no longer even feel anger towards him. I left my job Wednesday and am in the process of finding a new one. Things are so weird right now. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Please read my comments with an open mind and open heart. I by no means am trying to point fingers or place blame on any one party of the relationship you are currently in. I hate to say this but you created this monster and now it's yours to deal with. If indeed it was truly over when he wasn't doing all the things you told him he should have been doing long ago then that is when you should have made more of convincing arrangements and either physically left the relationship - i.e. moved out, or divorced. But by staying and hanging around, even in another room it created a sense of attachment that never went away. So now that he is doing and saying all the things you wanted him to so long ago, and now it means nothing, this is yours to deal with. I feel for you more than I do him because he has shown he is capable of change even if it took longer than you were willing to wait. I've read through some other comments and they say people can't change or he'll flip back to the way he was.....so on so forth. I am the opposite. I believe people can change. Everyone responds differently to every situation even if there is a greater mass that responds exactly the same to one situation there will always be one that does not respond as the greater mass. There is no shame in how you feel now vs. how you felt back when you were wanting him to respond to the situation. It does make for a difficult circumstance to move on from because you do see the change in him. But it would have been a lot less traumatic back then to have ripped the band-aid off and let it heal. Now that it has had a chance to "heal" pulling that band-aid off now will make it worse. But again, that's just how I see the situation you have described. I don't mean to offend and by no means do I think you are wrong but this is one persons open and honest opinion. Good luck. I appreciate your response. I'm fully aware of the part I played in this and why I am in this situation. I know I created this monster and I have to deal with it. I truly wish I could have done a million things differently from tlhe beginning but I was a different person then. I was naive, .trusting and very insecure to have put up with what I did. I wish I could have ripped the bandaids off many many many years ago. I wish I could have been a different person. I wasn't. I'm far from perfect. I feel guilt for not leaving and letting him find his way. That is a really bad feeling. With that said I forgive and love myself. He's changed and I can see he can take care of himself. I saved his life from a house fire I got him to stop drinking and he's close to being off prescription drugs I helped him with a lot of stuff. It's untrue about my not caring that he's doing house chores and running and suddenly askin me to do things with him. It my life is a thousand times easier than when I had no help. It won't change the fact that the distance he created caused a change in me that I can't reverse. To your main point yes i helped create this of course I have to deal with it. |
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Post by doneanddone on Jun 21, 2017 12:32:19 GMT -5
Please read my comments with an open mind and open heart. I by no means am trying to point fingers or place blame on any one party of the relationship you are currently in. I hate to say this but you created this monster and now it's yours to deal with. If indeed it was truly over when he wasn't doing all the things you told him he should have been doing long ago then that is when you should have made more of convincing arrangements and either physically left the relationship - i.e. moved out, or divorced. But by staying and hanging around, even in another room it created a sense of attachment that never went away. So now that he is doing and saying all the things you wanted him to so long ago, and now it means nothing, this is yours to deal with. I feel for you more than I do him because he has shown he is capable of change even if it took longer than you were willing to wait. I've read through some other comments and they say people can't change or he'll flip back to the way he was.....so on so forth. I am the opposite. I believe people can change. Everyone responds differently to every situation even if there is a greater mass that responds exactly the same to one situation there will always be one that does not respond as the greater mass. There is no shame in how you feel now vs. how you felt back when you were wanting him to respond to the situation. It does make for a difficult circumstance to move on from because you do see the change in him. But it would have been a lot less traumatic back then to have ripped the band-aid off and let it heal. Now that it has had a chance to "heal" pulling that band-aid off now will make it worse. But again, that's just how I see the situation you have described. I don't mean to offend and by no means do I think you are wrong but this is one persons open and honest opinion. Good luck. I appreciate your response. I'm fully aware of the part I played in this and why I am in this situation. I know I created this monster and I have to deal with it. I truly wish I could have done a million things differently from tlhe beginning but I was a different person then. I was naive, .trusting and very insecure to have put up with what I did. I wish I could have ripped the bandaids off many many many years ago. I wish I could have been a different person. I wasn't. I'm far from perfect. I feel guilt for not leaving and letting him find his way. That is a really bad feeling. With that said I forgive and love myself. He's changed and I can see he can take care of himself. I saved his life from a house fire I got him to stop drinking and he's close to being off prescription drugs I helped him with a lot of stuff. It's untrue about my not caring that he's doing house chores and running and suddenly askin me to do things with him. It my life is a thousand times easier than when I had no help. It won't change the fact that the distance he created caused a change in me that I can't reverse. To your main point yes i helped create this of course I have to deal with it. This definitely is a place to come and cope and vent, and get everything out there so its in your face and not just in your mind. I have found solitude and at time peace when i visit this site. I read and comment, I remember what it was like for me many years back and where I am now. I don't pretend......I can't pretend here even though it is so easy to, because if i pretend here I will pretend everywhere else in my life and there is no need for that. I am who I am and you are who you are. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope nothing but the best for you and him. You are being an open person just by telling us your story so I can't hate on that, I admire that. I support that and I support anyone going through what we all have been through to some extent. But keep coming back, reading, posting, and updating. It will and can be a great motivator and outlet to just about every problem we face...... Take care and I look forward to hearing how things are moving forward..... |
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Post by warmways on Jun 21, 2017 16:16:58 GMT -5
I do appreciate you being real. I am working so hard to find my truth and move on. I have the attorney, retainer, place to live w my friend, job, support from mom, etc but I'm torn. . I told him I need to set him free and he's exercising and eating right and doing house chores showing he can take care of himself but he says he wants to be with me, loves me, doesn't want to be set free, etc. I wasn't ready to leave even being intensely dismissed -neglected etc. I stopped seeing - I chose to stop seeing and I became a victim. Now that I've grown I see the difference and I know what it's like to be treated welll but as I said he's changing. At least in house chores and admitting he treated me like crap and was a dick. His words. I really poured everything into this marriage and don't think I hurt him. But by staying and not advocating for myself more - that wasn't positive for him or for me.
Thank you for reading and sharing your view. I wish you all the luck, too...I'm very thankful to be able to vent on here.
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