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Post by csl on Jun 4, 2017 23:15:04 GMT -5
Him - "I feel like a blow job."
Her - "I feel like getting eaten."
See if he's as interested then.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 4, 2017 23:45:26 GMT -5
tiffanyc, how's communication between you otherwise? From what you describe, your libido sounds erratic. There's a good chance his romantic drive has been snuffed by your regular lack of interest. At some point, that reduces one to being uncharmingly blunt because being affectionate and subtle has stopped working. I've been close to that point many times. To be blunt myself, you're fortunate that he's still expressing his desires to you (albeit crudely) instead of throwing in the towel and looking elsewhere. I'm not saying you should have given in; however, consider that he's still on your side of the fence, despite acting desperate. That won't last. You need to discuss it. Maybe he's just being a dick and needs an attitude reset. Maybe it's a reaction to your behavior. And maybe he doesn't even understand how he's gotten to this state. It's possible that if you shine a light in the dark corner, you can both work toward a better outcome. Our communication overall isn't great. As for him showing desire for me....um that's not it. Or at least it doesn't feel like it. The few times a year I do dress up for special occasions he barely notices. Neither one of us dress up often. That's not who we are. We're jeans and tshirt people. But a woman likes to hear something flattering even in jeans and tshirt a once and a while and I've even brought that up to him but he just blows me off. There are several times that even when I don't feel like it I do give him that bj he asks for and he does enjoy it. Yet I feel bad because I feel nothing. That wasn't always the case. I used to love giving him a bj but now I feel like it's a chore. The last several years I've felt more like a babysitter, maid, and just a hole for him to stick it in. And yes we've talked...okay argued, over that but nothing I do or say seems to work. Believe me, I've tried. That's why when I went for my yearly physical I brought this up with my dr. I still don't understand how he could just dismiss the Bioten when it could HELP. |
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 4, 2017 23:47:05 GMT -5
Him - "I feel like a blow job." Her - "I feel like getting eaten." See if he's as interested then. Lol if I thought it would spark some of the old romantic spark we used to have I would. I know that over time romance takes a backseat in marriage/relationships, maybe I'm just being fanciful there. |
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Ugh!
Jun 5, 2017 0:32:13 GMT -5
h likes this
Post by unmatched on Jun 5, 2017 0:32:13 GMT -5
I don't care how much testosterone you have, it is very hard to sustain a long term sexual relationship with somebody if you don't feel like it is a two way street. He needs to be meeting your needs just as much as you need to be meeting his. (Sorry, I know I said that already.) From what you say, you are never going to want to have sex with him as long as you feel like it is a chore, and you are a babysitter, maid and a hole for him to stick it in. It is not going to happen.
He doesn't sound like the most self-aware guy on the planet, and you are probably going to have to put a rocket up his ass to get him to take you seriously. So ironically you find yourself in the same situation as a lot of the high libido people around here. How badly do you want to change this? And are you willing to walk if he really isn't interested in the kind of relationship you want?
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 5, 2017 0:52:15 GMT -5
I don't care how much testosterone you have, it is very hard to sustain a long term sexual relationship with somebody if you don't feel like it is a two way street. He needs to be meeting your needs just as much as you need to be meeting his. (Sorry, I know I said that already.) From what you say, you are never going to want to have sex with him as long as you feel like it is a chore, and you are a babysitter, maid and a hole for him to stick it in. It is not going to happen. He doesn't sound like the most self-aware guy on the planet, and you are probably going to have to put a rocket up his ass to get him to take you seriously. So ironically you find yourself in the same situation as a lot of the high libido people around here. How badly do you want to change this? And are you willing to walk if he really isn't interested in the kind of relationship you want? I honestly don't know what to do. I miss how things were before we got married. He was more affectionate then. I can't even remember the last time we said "I love you". How pathetic right? I'm not trying to place all the problems on him. Trust me, I've made my share of mistakes in the last 16 years. But it feels so lonely on my end. Like I can't even talk to him. Back in October I did something I thought was so cool. I self published my first novel. He didn't even seem the least bit interested. There are some things in my book that are interests of his (motorcycles, guns) and I asked his input and he seemed put out when I brought it up or was over analyzing things when I would ask a simple question. Ex: would a certain type of motorcycle fit for a woman of 5'4? He would be like "well, what's her physical condition? What would she be using for? Just to putter around or long rides? I mean I get it, but I was asking a simple question and he's going a lot more in depth than I needed. I just feel so lost. I've brought up counseling and he shot that down. I understand why, I'm sure he had his fill while in the Marines. I know they have to go through psych evals when they return from combat. |
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Ugh!
Jun 5, 2017 1:04:58 GMT -5
Post by baza on Jun 5, 2017 1:04:58 GMT -5
This sure is not looking good. There's you, dis-satisfied with his abrupt version of intimate engagement. And if that continues then sooner or later you are going to get completely sick of it, and seriously consider the future of the marriage. Then there's him, dis-satisfied with your apparent reticence to engage him in the abrupt manner he prefers. And if that continues then sooner or later he is going to get completely sick of it, and seriously consider the future of the marriage. The marriage is potentially going to fall under siege by both participants eventually. It seems to be failing to meet either spouses needs at this point. I would figure that in regard to Brother unmatched question above about being prepared to walk, your response would be "no" at this point. Your spouses response to the same question is unknown at this point. But he seems happy enough with the "babysitter, maid and a hole for him to stick it in now and again" role you are assigned, so the chances are his thoughts on walking are also "no". Anyway, short term I don't think the marriage is in any danger of going guts up. But neither is it showing any potential to change either. It really looks like so many of the stories in here that just drag on and on until one of the spouses reaches their tipping point. That is likely several more painful years away. |
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Ugh!
Jun 5, 2017 1:09:30 GMT -5
h likes this
Post by unmatched on Jun 5, 2017 1:09:30 GMT -5
I don't care how much testosterone you have, it is very hard to sustain a long term sexual relationship with somebody if you don't feel like it is a two way street. He needs to be meeting your needs just as much as you need to be meeting his. (Sorry, I know I said that already.) From what you say, you are never going to want to have sex with him as long as you feel like it is a chore, and you are a babysitter, maid and a hole for him to stick it in. It is not going to happen. He doesn't sound like the most self-aware guy on the planet, and you are probably going to have to put a rocket up his ass to get him to take you seriously. So ironically you find yourself in the same situation as a lot of the high libido people around here. How badly do you want to change this? And are you willing to walk if he really isn't interested in the kind of relationship you want? I honestly don't know what to do. I miss how things were before we got married. He was more affectionate then. I can't even remember the last time we said "I love you". How pathetic right? I'm not trying to place all the problems on him. Trust me, I've made my share of mistakes in the last 16 years. But it feels so lonely on my end. Like I can't even talk to him. Back in October I did something I thought was so cool. I self published my first novel. He didn't even seem the least bit interested. There are some things in my book that are interests of his (motorcycles, guns) and I asked his input and he seemed put out when I brought it up or was over analyzing things when I would ask a simple question. Ex: would a certain type of motorcycle fit for a woman of 5'4? He would be like "well, what's her physical condition? What would she be using for? Just to putter around or long rides? I mean I get it, but I was asking a simple question and he's going a lot more in depth than I needed. I just feel so lost. I've brought up counseling and he shot that down. I understand why, I'm sure he had his fill while in the Marines. I know they have to go through psych evals when they return from combat. You are deeply not happy. That is important. You can't just gloss over it or ignore it or hope it goes away. And he isn't really aware of that or it hasn't sunk in or he isn't taking it seriously. Some people will never be willing to meet you where you need to go. Some will have to be dragged kicking and screaming. And others need a really big shock to the system to get them to wake up and pay attention. I think the only thing you can do is keep on ramping up the volume until he finally hears you. But that obviously comes with risks attached. He might kick back and walk away. Or you might find out that he has no interest whatsoever in the kind of life you want. But you might just find a way to deepen your relationship and really change things. It is a high stakes game, and we all need to weigh up the risks against the potential rewards and decide what we want our lives to be about. caveat: as others have said, I don't think it is enough to just keeping telling him what he isn't doing, or what he is doing wrong. I think for him to really get it, you need to tell him as openly as possible how you feel. Why do you need him to do these things, what do you feel right now (all the good as well as the bad), what is missing for you and what do you want for your relationship? Without that it will just sound like you are nagging. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 5, 2017 3:37:56 GMT -5
I agree with DryCreek, sounds to me like you have the basis for discussion, you both seem to 'want it' but either at a different time or by using a different approach. Explain to him that a little romance wouldnt go amiss, give an example from the past, and maybe suggest if things go right in that way, then if he takes the occasional afternoon off he might be surprised to find whats waiting for him at home. It would be extremely sad if you miss the chance to fix this just because you didnt properly talk about it. If he doesnt listen or doesnt bother to try, then at least you tried. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 5, 2017 6:10:06 GMT -5
From what you describe, your marriage lacks intimacy due to your husbsnd's disinterest. Getting offers to jack of your husband is not what I consider an invitation to intimacy. Just being a mouth or hand where he can stick it is degrading.
From what you describe, your husband shows no interest in you except as his maid, babysitter and hole for loveless, passionless, romanceless sex with nothing for you.
He seems supremely selfish and uncaring. I do not understand why you are discounting your natural and understandable belief that marriage should be more than what you have.
I strongly suggest individual therapy so you can develop insight for and respect for your own feelings and needs and then figure out what things you can do to live a life in line with the person whom you are. I do not suggest couples counseling. You can not change your husband. You are not responsible for his behavior. His actions seem due to a lack of caring, not to a communications failure. I think he is communicating very clearly to you how little he cares about you and exactly what marriage means to him. Therapy would help you figure out whether to find a way to be happy with such a man or to figure out a way to extricate yourself from the marriage.
It could also be wise to consult a lawyer to determine your rights in case of divorce. Even if that is not what you want, it could be what your husband's indifference to you means is coming. Often the first visit to a lawyer is free.
Shore up your support systems including friendships. Centering your life around your husband would guarantee loneliness.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 5, 2017 10:50:40 GMT -5
I agree with DryCreek, sounds to me like you have the basis for discussion, you both seem to 'want it' but either at a different time or by using a different approach. Explain to him that a little romance wouldnt go amiss, give an example from the past, and maybe suggest if things go right in that way, then if he takes the occasional afternoon off he might be surprised to find whats waiting for him at home. It would be extremely sad if you miss the chance to fix this just because you didnt properly talk about it. If he doesnt listen or doesnt bother to try, then at least you tried. I would love for him to take an afternoon, hell even a day off. But with school out and his job as a wind tech it's not so easy. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 5, 2017 11:26:31 GMT -5
From what you describe, your libido sounds erratic. There's a good chance his romantic drive has been snuffed by your regular lack of interest. At some point, that reduces one to being uncharmingly blunt because being affectionate and subtle has stopped working. Or, the bluntness is a way of fielding whether you are amorously inclined without risking too much esteem. A simple verbal transaction that confirms that one is disinclined is a lot less painful than being rebuked after a normal seduction. I've seen this QUITE a bit on my part and on Mrs Apocrypha's part after it was entrenched that the sex issue was a problem. Mrs A would offer it like, "would you like a BJ?" - thus telegraphing that she felt ok enough with tending to the chore, and also delineating its limits. When I did the same, it was almost a hypthetical argument - so certain was I that it would be a "not tonight" evening. "let's just cuddle". It's certainly not that I would normally try to bed anyone like that, before or since. But I totally understand why it eventually came to that. I had my confidence utterly destroyed by then, such that I asked for sex KNOWING it would be a chore for her. |
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Post by h on Jun 5, 2017 12:39:10 GMT -5
From what you describe, your libido sounds erratic. There's a good chance his romantic drive has been snuffed by your regular lack of interest. At some point, that reduces one to being uncharmingly blunt because being affectionate and subtle has stopped working. Or, the bluntness is a way of fielding whether you are amorously inclined without risking too much esteem. A simple verbal transaction that confirms that one is disinclined is a lot less painful than being rebuked after a normal seduction. I've seen this QUITE a bit on my part and on Mrs Apocrypha's part after it was entrenched that the sex issue was a problem. Mrs A would offer it like, "would you like a BJ?" - thus telegraphing that she felt ok enough with tending to the chore, and also delineating its limits. When I did the same, it was almost a hypthetical argument - so certain was I that it would be a "not tonight" evening. "let's just cuddle". It's certainly not that I would normally try to bed anyone like that, before or since. But I totally understand why it eventually came to that. I had my confidence utterly destroyed by then, such that I asked for sex KNOWING it would be a chore for her. I could never bring myself to be so blunt in asking. It would make me feel like I was a child asking my mommy for a treat knowing she would say "not now but maybe later if I was extra good..." To beg for what should be naturally given is humiliating. I quit initiating eventually after my sincere romantic gestures were consistently turned away. |
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 5, 2017 12:58:17 GMT -5
Or, the bluntness is a way of fielding whether you are amorously inclined without risking too much esteem. A simple verbal transaction that confirms that one is disinclined is a lot less painful than being rebuked after a normal seduction. I've seen this QUITE a bit on my part and on Mrs Apocrypha's part after it was entrenched that the sex issue was a problem. Mrs A would offer it like, "would you like a BJ?" - thus telegraphing that she felt ok enough with tending to the chore, and also delineating its limits. When I did the same, it was almost a hypthetical argument - so certain was I that it would be a "not tonight" evening. "let's just cuddle". It's certainly not that I would normally try to bed anyone like that, before or since. But I totally understand why it eventually came to that. I had my confidence utterly destroyed by then, such that I asked for sex KNOWING it would be a chore for her. I could never bring myself to be so blunt in asking. It would make me feel like I was a child asking my mommy for a treat knowing she would say "not now but maybe later if I was extra good..." To beg for what should be naturally given is humiliating. I quit initiating eventually after my sincere romantic gestures were consistently turned away. I wish my H would try the romantic gestures. It's been a while |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 5, 2017 13:36:47 GMT -5
See, that's where it gets complicated with me. When I do want sex, or rather when it really hits, it always seems to be during the day when he's at work or when he doesn't seem interested. If he maybe tried to get me in the mood differently, things might not be so bad. But him basically groping me isn't the way to get me in a sexual mood I don't know if this would help or not, but have you heard of the 5 love languages? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_LanguagesMy marriage is a lost cause and my wife wouldn't take it. But it sounds a little bit like your husband's "love language" is physical touch while yours is something else (don't know you enough to have any idea). The idea of the book is that you each express love in completely different ways and as a result completely miscommunicate and misunderstand each other. There is a free online quiz that you can take that will help you determine yours. Most couples don't speak the same love language and have to learn to speak in the language of their partner. Let's say that your love language is acts of service (him doing nice things for you) or quality time. If that is what you need to feel "sexy", then perhaps you can sit down with him and explain it to him. Us guys really are kind of dense sometimes. If he does love you and you lay it out that for you to be in the mood you need A, B, and C. Once you're in the mood? You'll be, uh, down for vitamin B and J or whatever else he's in the mood for. And you need to learn that the way he expresses love might feel to you like you're being groped. Fair enough...frequent readers here know I hate being groped in the park. However, you'll need to understand that his love language is likely physical touch. If you love him, you'll need to learn to communicate in his language. That's the basic gist. Don't know if it helps, but that's my 2 cents. |
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 5, 2017 13:41:23 GMT -5
See, that's where it gets complicated with me. When I do want sex, or rather when it really hits, it always seems to be during the day when he's at work or when he doesn't seem interested. If he maybe tried to get me in the mood differently, things might not be so bad. But him basically groping me isn't the way to get me in a sexual mood I don't know if this would help or not, but have you heard of the 5 love languages? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_LanguagesMy marriage is a lost cause and my wife wouldn't take it. But it sounds a little bit like your husband's "love language" is physical touch while yours is something else (don't know you enough to have any idea). The idea of the book is that you each express love in completely different ways and as a result completely miscommunicate and misunderstand each other. There is a free online quiz that you can take that will help you determine yours. Most couples don't speak the same love language and have to learn to speak in the language of their partner. Let's say that your love language is acts of service (him doing nice things for you) or quality time. If that is what you need to feel "sexy", then perhaps you can sit down with him and explain it to him. Us guys really are kind of dense sometimes. If he does love you and you lay it out that for you to be in the mood you need A, B, and C. Once you're in the mood? You'll be, uh, down for vitamin B and J or whatever else he's in the mood for. And you need to learn that the way he expresses love might feel to you like you're being groped. Fair enough...frequent readers here know I hate being groped in the park. However, you'll need to understand that his love language is likely physical touch. If you love him, you'll need to learn to communicate in his language. That's the basic gist. Don't know if it helps, but that's my 2 cents. I'll check it out. Thanks |
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