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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 4, 2017 18:22:18 GMT -5
Okay, so this may a different scenario but just now H asked for a bj/hj. I told him I wasn't interested.
I hate that I'm the main one in the Marriage with little interest in sex. Well, that's not completely true. Let me elaborate.
I like sex but I guess it's how H broaches the subject. Ex: "you wanna do it?" "I could really go for a bj"
Ugh. Seriously? Then when he does touch me to try and get me interested where do his hands go? Tits, ass or between my legs. It makes me feel like I should be charging him something.
I've told him I don't like it and how it makes me feel but nothing. My sex drive is erratic and I have gone to the dr about it. Come to find out my testosterone levels are a little low. (Yeah apparently women have testosterone) she also offered a possible solution but hubby didn't seems the least bit interested and said I should just exercise more and it would help. 😑 now he thinks he's doogy houser.
So what do I do? I fee alone in this. I've tried several times over the last ten years to explain how I feel but it's done nothing.
Feeling so lost here and guilty for saying no. 😞
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Ugh!
Jun 4, 2017 18:42:49 GMT -5
Post by baza on Jun 4, 2017 18:42:49 GMT -5
Just been going thru your other posts, to put this one into context.
It may be way off target, but I get a vibe that your spouse ain't much of a lover and your reticence to engage him may well be because of that.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 4, 2017 18:46:01 GMT -5
It's not that he's not a good lover. I guess before he put a ring on it there was more...romance.
I used to get butterflies when we would do something so simple as hold hands and such.
Maybe I've read too many books but even in my own writing I have little details like that with my characters. I guess I miss that intimacy
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Post by unmatched on Jun 4, 2017 18:46:22 GMT -5
From this and your other post it reads as though you feel lonely in your marriage and feel like your husband doesn't see you as a person or connect with you in the way that you need in order to feel loved. And either this, or low testosterone, is causing your sex drive to drop through the floor. He, on the other hand, probably feels unloved and rejected and his willingness to be more subtle and romantic about it is likely to be fading rapidly. (Don't ask me how I know this!) If that is a reasonable summary, this is not an unusual situation. But if it goes on, your resentment is going to rise exponentially, and he is going to get more and more frustrated, and sooner or later you will be not talking to each other, divorced or having affairs.
Question - if you were to have long, slow, intimate sex would that be more of a turn on for you? Or would it not make any difference?
Either way you need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel in the most open hearted, real way you possibly can. Listen to how he feels. In a marriage you are both committed to fulfilling the other person's needs, both sexual and emotional. And you need to make sure you are both doing that, because you both have the other person's interests at heart. That doesn't mean you should give give give when your needs are not being met. You need to draw lines and you need to be upfront about what you are doing and why. But it does mean you need to know him intimately - what he wants and what he needs - and actually want to make him happy. You are near the top of a very slippery slope here, and if you let yourselves go too far down the hill it is not going to end well.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 4, 2017 18:52:59 GMT -5
You're right and I have done my damnest to explain where I'm coming from and what we can do. When I tell him about how he tries to broach sex he just gets frustrated when I tell him how it makes me feel. The he gets angry.
I know he feels frustrated about what seems to be a lack of interest on my part but I don't know how else to tell him or what to do.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 4, 2017 19:16:24 GMT -5
Have you tired framing the conversation as, this is what I need to want to give you a BJ?
I am sure I am speaking for the men here and the woman for cunnilingus, that if our partners gave us instructions, we would follow them.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2017 19:16:56 GMT -5
My wife has no testosterone and no sex drive. She tried hormones but could not tolerate the side effects, so she stopped. She has no sex drive and we have no sex because of this. She tell me that she misses sex intellectually but not physically.
She is condemning me to a life with no sex.
Seems like you two are quite similar that way. You know that you have little drive and you know why. You will refuse your husband even though he has sex drive. I would think that you might be understanding of the situation and have sex.
I ask my wife "why is your life more important then mine?" It seems to me that whomever wants sex the least wins. I have to be understanding of her issues but she does not have to be understanding of mine.
It is truly amazing the we could get divorced over her sex drive.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 4, 2017 19:51:53 GMT -5
Try telling him what he does right. That you want more of that. Perhaps broach the subject when he is not initiating. "Honey, I really love it when you... How about we try..." Instead of focusing on what frustrates you focus on your strengths and build on them. Sometimes constructive criticism needs to be started slowly. Why does hubby need to know your private medical issues? Go to the doctor by yourself.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 4, 2017 19:54:25 GMT -5
See, that's where it gets complicated with me. When I do want sex, or rather when it really hits, it always seems to be during the day when he's at work or when he doesn't seem interested.
If he maybe tried to get me in the mood differently, things might not be so bad. But him basically groping me isn't the way to get me in a sexual mood
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 4, 2017 19:56:05 GMT -5
Try telling him what he does right. That you want more of that. Perhaps broach the subject when he is not initiating. "Honey, I really love it when you... How about we try..." Instead of focusing on what frustrates you focus on your strengths and build on them. Sometimes constructive criticism needs to be started slowly. Why does hubby need to know your private medical issues? Go to the doctor by yourself. And I have told him what I like and don't like. Yet it doesn't seem to sink in with him. As for the dr, I went alone. I just told him what the dr told me |
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2017 20:06:30 GMT -5
So we can apparently rule out him being an inept lover Sister tiffanycThat's good, because ineptitude in the sack (given you've been together quite a while) ain't usually a fixable thing. That leaves his abrupt style of requesting a root as *the* problem as you describe it. One strategy for that would be to cease rewarding the abrupt behaviour and to reward the appropriate behaviour. But it sort of looks like this is what you are presently trying, and it is not working. It, also, is starting to look like an unfixable thing. *If* - as is likely - his behaviour continues as it has, what are you prepared to do ? PS - I get the feeling there is another shoe to drop here. Is there something else going on here that you haven't mentioned ? |
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 4, 2017 20:09:59 GMT -5
What other shoe? I'm not sure I know what you mean there?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 4, 2017 20:32:46 GMT -5
"
I like sex but I guess it's how H broaches the subject. Ex: "you wanna do it?" "I could really go for a bj"
Ugh. Seriously? Then when he does touch me to try and get me interested where do his hands go? Tits, ass or between my legs. It makes me feel like I should be charging him something."
I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who was so crass either and who just wanted me to get him off.
I agree with Baz. Maybe you have no libido because your husband is a bad lover. Was he your first and only lover?
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 4, 2017 20:38:37 GMT -5
Yes he was and is. But like I told Baz, when we have sex I'm not unsatisfied. Believe me I get off, usually more than once.
During our first 6 years of marriage he was in the Marines. He had already been in for 2 years when we got married. Over that first 6 years he was deployed to Iraq twice, Japan once and several field ops that lasted anywhere from overnight to a month (the month long ops only twice).
It was maybe during our last year that I started noticing my libido going down. At first I thought it was due to him being gone so much. Now I know it was my testosterone levels.
The dr suggested Bioten. She herself uses it and she's in her late forties to early fifties and she says it works. She's been using it for a few years now.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 4, 2017 23:12:14 GMT -5
tiffanyc, how's communication between you otherwise? From what you describe, your libido sounds erratic. There's a good chance his romantic drive has been snuffed by your regular lack of interest. At some point, that reduces one to being uncharmingly blunt because being affectionate and subtle has stopped working. I've been close to that point many times. To be blunt myself, you're fortunate that he's still expressing his desires to you (albeit crudely) instead of throwing in the towel and looking elsewhere. I'm not saying you should have given in; however, consider that he's still on your side of the fence, despite acting desperate. That won't last. You need to discuss it. Maybe he's just being a dick and needs an attitude reset. Maybe it's a reaction to your behavior. And maybe he doesn't even understand how he's gotten to this state. It's possible that if you shine a light in the dark corner, you can both work toward a better outcome.
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