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Post by merrygoround on May 30, 2017 12:26:31 GMT -5
There's been threads about this I'm sure on here - and it's been mentioned to me several times in responses to my posts. In fact here was the first time I heard about "gaslighting" - the term, that is. I've been reading so much about emotional abuse, gaslighting etc, trying to educate myself. I even did a couple of online tests - results were just under "severe" and I'm sure not as bad as some of you have it.
Sorry, this is a bit of a rambling one, but I guess I want to say that the symptoms and behaviours I've experienced have all been highlighted in those bullet points on this subject. And actually I've found that my anxiety has raised considerably even just reading about the subject and recognising my situation in so many of the examples - stuff I have seen and felt for so many years. And anger too. How he supposedly put me on a pedestal, was supposedly proud of having a younger, attractive woman on his arm but didn't really accept me for me, my personality, my sexuality, my views, opinions. So much and I became a shadow of myself. Made me feel crazy, denying he said or did things, or they were said or done a different way always to the way I recounted them. Always talking me in circles until I was a ball of confusion. A simple issue could be dragged out for hours until my brain shut down because I just couldn't take it anymore.
This isn't a pity party. I know a lot of you have it a lot worse. I suppose getting that emotional distance and detachment from him over the past couple months has made things so much clearer for me. And would probably be something he would vehemently deny!
Thinking now I actually don't like him. I wanted to be able to like him as we will have to co-parent. But if I had a time machine and could tell myself at the age of 21 how it would be, I wouldn't even be friends with him. And strangely I feel a little guilty for that.
Thank God I'm flying out of here tomorrow. Now to find a way to diplomatically tell him I really don't wish to speak with him whilst away unless it's to do with the kids or a problem. The freezer is filled for them all, the washing and cleaning has been done, there are lists of "how to" instructions to keep it running smoothly. So any tips on saying that to him would be greatly appreciated!
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Post by bballgirl on May 30, 2017 14:18:10 GMT -5
I could relate to a lot of what you wrote especially the anger.
It's like it was a betrayal on their part like we were their prey.
At least that's how I felt at the end of the marriage.
Enjoy your trip and enjoy yourself and your own company.
As far as the communication to him,
I would text him after you leave something like this:
I'm looking forward to a lot of peace and quiet on this trip so unless there is a major emergency don't call me. I'll text you once I arrive and when I'm heading back.
If you have children I would stay in contact with them though even if it's a text saying I love you or a picture of a yummy dessert you are eating.
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Post by wewbwb on May 30, 2017 14:38:56 GMT -5
So any tips on saying that to him would be greatly appreciated! I think bballgirl nailed it. So unless you want sarcasm and jokes, go with hers.  |
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Post by merrygoround on May 30, 2017 14:54:47 GMT -5
Yes, I will be speaking to the kids all the time - we do now so that won't change! Thanks bballgirl - maybe I might try and delicately put it like that when he drops me off tomorrow! |
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Post by merrygoround on May 30, 2017 14:55:13 GMT -5
So any tips on saying that to him would be greatly appreciated! I think bballgirl nailed it. So unless you want sarcasm and jokes, go with hers. Lol no problems with either! |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2017 14:59:07 GMT -5
Or a slightly different twist, send him a phone message, text, or email saying after your gone " I am going to be extremely busy, and not near my phone." And /or " I will be back late on such a such a night". Always better to text someone, instead of answering the phone. That gives you all the control, with more excuses. " I never received it, I couldn't hear my phone, my phone gave out on me, I forgot to charge my phone, I texted you right back, did you not get it? etc..."
I am learning these manipulative tactics from my own STBX. She's also very good at communicating through her daddy and the children, telling them where she's going, when she arrived, when she will be back, and not telling me anything..Just don't turn the tables and do the same to them. A narc. can't accept that!
Just be careful.... all these messages, fakebook pics, are all permanent evidence that could be used against you, that you communicate with everyone else but him.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2017 15:08:10 GMT -5
Yes, I will be speaking to the kids all the time - we do now so that won't change! Thanks bballgirl - maybe I might try and delicately put it like that when he drops me off tomorrow! Can you get a ride with someone else? That way he has less control. |
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Post by merrygoround on May 30, 2017 15:09:51 GMT -5
Unfortunately not - I will look at the view out of the passenger window lol
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Post by shamwow on May 30, 2017 15:22:49 GMT -5
I could relate to a lot of what you wrote especially the anger. It's like it was a betrayal on their part like we were their prey. At least that's how I felt at the end of the marriage. Enjoy your trip and enjoy yourself and your own company. As far as the communication to him, I would text him after you leave something like this: I'm looking forward to a lot of peace and quiet on this trip so unless there is a major emergency don't call me. I'll text you once I arrive and when I'm heading back. If you have children I would stay in contact with them though even if it's a text saying I love you or a picture of a yummy dessert you are eating. This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ |
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Post by wewbwb on May 30, 2017 15:23:59 GMT -5
I think bballgirl nailed it. So unless you want sarcasm and jokes, go with hers. Lol no problems with either! Fine. Then tell him you are not sure that you will be able to answer your phone because the "pleasure dungeon" doesn't get good reception. But if a man answers the phone call him "Sir" or you'll get the spanking. So Teamwork. |
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Post by merrygoround on May 30, 2017 18:30:34 GMT -5
Well it didnt go down too well - to be expected really. I said as gently as i possibly could that I really needed to get my feelings of hurt and anger into perspective, and though obviously I would be speaking to the children everyday, that I would prefer our communication to be as little as possible - just if any issues occur, that type of thing.
"What do you mean you're hurt? How have I hurt you? Is it about the doc results? I can't help that".
Testosterone levels although within normal range for a man of his age, were on the lower side of normal.
"Really, how can you be hurt over something I have no control over?".
I could have said a lot of things. It could have turned rather nasty. Or just plain factual - that in over 20 years of problems he certainly had control in finding out, dealing with any issues.
Instead I just calmly said "I hope you can at some point understand, in the spirit of remaining amicable that I need a break from this and some distance".
Roll on tomorrow.
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Post by TMD on May 30, 2017 19:47:02 GMT -5
I hope you get the time and space to sort through things. You seem to be going in the right direction. Know yourself, be confident in your resolve, and you can get through this.
May I also suggest some therapy? My friend was in a similar relationship. Her ex made made, and actually continues to do so because they have children together, very difficult. You need all
The support you can get.
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Post by baza on May 30, 2017 19:55:32 GMT -5
In some ways, you are "lucky" Sister merrygoround . Even as you are about to fly out on zipcode therapy, he manages to re-affirm what a fucking cement-head he is. Perhaps your phone will develop assorted problems as you apply your zipcode therapy. Odd battery failures, unreliable signal reception, incompatible charger, plain old "lost" etc etc. Technology can be so unreliable at times, don't you find ? |
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Post by nolongerlonely on May 31, 2017 1:18:04 GMT -5
Safe travels merrygoround I think all advice above is good, especially the looking out of the window part ! I'm going to search about gaslighting, I'm guessing I'm a victim too. And baza is right, you are lucky. You've worked it out, and in time, although in just the same vein, if only what I know now I knew 1/10 of 29 years ago, I might have avoided alot of personal recession. And a fair bit of heartache too. Oh well, I really believe, good will come out of it all in the end Good luck MG :-) We all need it |
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Post by WindSister on May 31, 2017 9:09:38 GMT -5
Chiming in with safe travels, too - it's good that you were direct and honest with him about the communication piece, I hope he honors it. Since you requested, it's okay to ignore if he tries. Don't get sucked into justifying your need for a break from communication. I guarantee you (would bet a million bucks on it) that you walk away from this trip and return home with greater insight to your marriage. Getting away from the situation shines a light (a very powerful one) on it all -- wishing you the best.
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