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Post by greatcoastal on May 31, 2017 9:33:45 GMT -5
Chiming in with safe travels, too - it's good that you were direct and honest with him about the communication piece, I hope he honors it. Since you requested, it's okay to ignore if he tries. Don't get sucked into justifying your need for a break from communication. I guarantee you (would bet a million bucks on it) that you walk away from this trip and return home with greater insight to your marriage. Getting away from the situation shines a light (a very powerful one) on it all -- wishing you the best. Umm...not to get to far off the subject, but....I remember when My STBX wanted me to leave for a month.(probably had more to do with abandonment/legal issues, but I digress) I found an email post that was sent to her from a relative beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/. Well I read this, and it had the complete reverse affects. It was the wrong idea, it did push me away, it didn't ask for anymore honesty and openness, instead it verified my STBX's cold heartedness and manipulative controlling self. Another article talked about making your spouse come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness after you detach yourself from them. Again the opposite took place. Instead it opened my eyes, lifted the FOG as to how bad things had been. If anything I found the 180 advice much more suitable for me! |
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Post by lyn on May 31, 2017 10:14:37 GMT -5
merrygoround I hope you have a wonderfully relaxing, soul soothing trip. You will I'm sure. It's always a relief to get away from someone who sucks up all the oxygen and energy in the room. Remember one thing: You do not HAVE to speak with him AT ALL while away. You also don't need his permission to NOT speak with him. I can't wait for you to get emotionally out from under this tyrant so you can just BE. These kooks will never get it so no point in trying to justify anything you say or do. His mind will NEVER open to actually hear what you say. (Ugh this makes me mad / sad! Such a mind-f*ck) xx
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 1, 2017 2:07:41 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your words of support and advice. Well, I'm here with my parents and I'm feeling that weight of oppression starting to lift.
I've been chatting and messaging with the kids already so that helps and just a small interchange via text with H over a family issue.
What has been incredible is the overwhelming support and understanding from my parents though. I've finally been able to sit down face to face with them and explain a lot - plus show them some posts on here which better explains sometimes via the written word. I found my mum has actually gotten quite angry at times on my behalf, at the unfairness of the situation. Dad got a bit angry too but basically said you've got to grab opportunities for happiness now and just wants me to be happy. They know I'll basically be starting from scratch and they find that unfair as it wouldn't play out that way here. But I have their unconditional support and that's what counts.
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Post by WindSister on Jun 1, 2017 15:46:59 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your words of support and advice. Well, I'm here with my parents and I'm feeling that weight of oppression starting to lift. I've been chatting and messaging with the kids already so that helps and just a small interchange via text with H over a family issue. What has been incredible is the overwhelming support and understanding from my parents though. I've finally been able to sit down face to face with them and explain a lot - plus show them some posts on here which better explains sometimes via the written word. I found my mum has actually gotten quite angry at times on my behalf, at the unfairness of the situation. Dad got a bit angry too but basically said you've got to grab opportunities for happiness now and just wants me to be happy. They know I'll basically be starting from scratch and they find that unfair as it wouldn't play out that way here. But I have their unconditional support and that's what counts. I am so happy you have the support of family. That's a very good and helpful thing!! |
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 5, 2017 0:35:56 GMT -5
Just a little update. I've been here 5 days now. I'm finally feeling like I can breathe a little easier. It's taken a few days for the feelings of weight and oppression to lift, but every day pieces of the jigsaw fall into place and I recognise myself again.
He's stuck to the request for no communication outside of emergencies. Luckily none of them so far. I speak/message with the kids every day.
It's been amazing seeing family and good friends again. It's been far too long since I was back in my country. I see myself smiling and laughing now - I feel my personality no longer suffocated coming back to the fore. Clarity of mind so I can properly think and make tentative plans for a future - still somewhat unknown. However, fear of it is fading. Sure I have the odd wobble, but give it a little time and those emotions fade too.
What I'm finding now is anxiety on returning and being in his company. Luckily the kids are on summer holidays so that definitely helps - but being around him again. Difficult thinking around that one at the moment.
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Post by baza on Jun 5, 2017 2:53:32 GMT -5
Glad to see your zipcode therapy is starting to work.
(in my opinion it is about the best therapy there is for clearing your head)
Something to keep in mind.
As your thinking clarifies, you can easily fall into the trap of thinking your spouses thinking may have done likewise.
Chances are in fact, that "the gap" has probably gotten wider.
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