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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2016 22:35:28 GMT -5
Tamara - he is mentally ill, and abusive. He's in no fit state to be a husband and father. I know leaving is difficult, I know it's financially tight. So, I'm not saying, "Just leave." I know it's not that simple.
But - he is crazy, he is abusive; the atmosphere in your home is damaging, to you and to your daughter. I hope you do manage to get away from him, as soon as possible.
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Post by tamara68 on May 5, 2016 2:12:30 GMT -5
Tamara, I am so sorry. I have no idea how to advise you. I waited until my youngest daughter was out of the house and in college, and it was/is very very hard. I definitely lost part of myself. However, your daughter is 15, and I assume she will be an adult at 18, and able to make her own choices. So you could possibly wait 3 more years, and then custody would not be an issue. I am constantly thinking of pros and cons to leaving at different moments. When she has finished high school or when she turns 18. But waiting 3 years is not something to look forward to. If I do it before she is 18, the custody issue might be good or bad. Suppose a judge thinks my daughter should be with me, than it would be good. But if I wait until she is 18 the choice is completely to my daughter and the chance might be bigger she simply listens to her father because it is more difficult to say no to him than to me. My husband will fight though. He thinks I am a bad mother and he will do what he can to convince a judge. Hopefully a judge would notice that it is all just a lot of hot air. My husband thinks I am crazy, he thinks I have borderline-syndrome, because he found an article in a psychology magazine that stated that women who are not content in their marriage, and who say they feel imprisoned, often are borderliners. Ridiculous that psychologists say something like that. Forgetting a lot of people have plenty of reasons to feel imprisoned in a restricting marriage. Anyway I checked the symptoms and I can honestly say I am not crazy. |
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Post by tamara68 on May 5, 2016 2:16:04 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Whichever way it goes, what is critically important for your daughter is that she realizes that the way your husband is treating you is NOT normal, and NOT ok. YOUR peace of mind is even more critically important. Whenever you fly on an airplane, the safety briefing tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others... and you need emotional oxygen. Thanks, I need more time alone with my daughter. Something that my husband also makes difficult to realize. I need the oxygen, but when my daughter gets caught in the middle of a battle, she might not see that eventually it is going to be better for her too. |
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Post by tamara68 on May 5, 2016 2:24:55 GMT -5
Don't listen to me, listen to a lawyer, but it would seem that if he doesn't have a job and you have some evidence of his behavior it would be unlikely he'd get custody. It would be more likely he'd get alimony. But even that is a maybe if you can show you had to flee to escape abuse. But only a lawyer can tell you any of this with some certainty. I can give you some legal advice though: the law has nothing to do with what is fair. Don't expect justice. Expect to get what you get from the fights you win. I have thought of collecting evidence. I will start with writing down how things are at home, all the stupid rules and restrictions, the germ phobia. Objective evidence is harder. I do have some of my husbands notes. But each of his notes is filled also with all his accusations of me being a cold and horrible wife and mother. Does not look good. I am also a bit worried about making a long report on all that is wrong. In the Netherlands, that would be reason enough for youth care to take a child away from both parents. There is no civilized country where they do that as much as in the Netherlands. I know the risk in Belgium where we live now is a lot smaller, but it is possible that both of us would be seen as unsuitable parents. My daughter would never forgive me if she would lose both of us that way. I hope I am only worrying too much. And I hope I can find a lawyer who will give good advice. |
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Post by tamara68 on May 5, 2016 2:43:47 GMT -5
Tamara - he is mentally ill, and abusive. He's in no fit state to be a husband and father. I know leaving is difficult, I know it's financially tight. So, I'm not saying, "Just leave." I know it's not that simple. But - he is crazy, he is abusive; the atmosphere in your home is damaging, to you and to your daughter. I hope you do manage to get away from him, as soon as possible. It is difficult, but I will gather information, see a lawyer and hopefully that will help to make an exit as good as possible. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 5, 2016 2:52:02 GMT -5
Anyway I checked the symptoms and I can honestly say I am not crazy. Well, you might be considered crazy for staying... You know the local laws better, but I would think a judge would give an awful lot of weight to the child's preference for custody, given her age. According to your description, that'd probably mean she stays with him, same as if you waited until she was older. How would that sway your thinking? (Clearly, you need local legal advice.) |
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Post by tamara68 on May 5, 2016 2:59:04 GMT -5
Anyway I checked the symptoms and I can honestly say I am not crazy. Well, you might be considered crazy for staying... You know the local laws better, but I would think a judge would give an awful lot of weight to the child's preference for custody, given her age. According to your description, that'd probably mean she stays with him, same as if you waited until she was older. How would that sway your thinking? (Clearly, you need local legal advice.) The child's preference will be very important here. So, what will she say? If she'd choose him, than me leaving soon would be worse for her, because living alone with her father is worse than with both of us. So am I crazy for staying or for leaving? I was crazy for not having left when I could. But now....? |
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Post by wewbwb on May 5, 2016 7:12:11 GMT -5
Well, you might be considered crazy for staying... You know the local laws better, but I would think a judge would give an awful lot of weight to the child's preference for custody, given her age. According to your description, that'd probably mean she stays with him, same as if you waited until she was older. How would that sway your thinking? (Clearly, you need local legal advice.) The child's preference will be very important here. So, what will she say? If she'd choose him, than me leaving soon would be worse for her, because living alone with her father is worse than with both of us. So am I crazy for staying or for leaving? I was crazy for not having left when I could. But now....? Don't start down that road. "I could have left when..." or "I should have..." That is the road to madness. I've been there. Without a Tardis That place sucks. Don't go. |
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2016 9:02:17 GMT -5
Don't listen to me, listen to a lawyer, but it would seem that if he doesn't have a job and you have some evidence of his behavior it would be unlikely he'd get custody. It would be more likely he'd get alimony. But even that is a maybe if you can show you had to flee to escape abuse. But only a lawyer can tell you any of this with some certainty. I can give you some legal advice though: the law has nothing to do with what is fair. Don't expect justice. Expect to get what you get from the fights you win. I have thought of collecting evidence. I will start with writing down how things are at home, all the stupid rules and restrictions, the germ phobia. Objective evidence is harder. I do have some of my husbands notes. But each of his notes is filled also with all his accusations of me being a cold and horrible wife and mother. Does not look good. I am also a bit worried about making a long report on all that is wrong. In the Netherlands, that would be reason enough for youth care to take a child away from both parents. There is no civilized country where they do that as much as in the Netherlands. I know the risk in Belgium where we live now is a lot smaller, but it is possible that both of us would be seen as unsuitable parents. My daughter would never forgive me if she would lose both of us that way. I hope I am only worrying too much. And I hope I can find a lawyer who will give good advice. Oh duh me, I thought you were in the US. Isn't the US the center of the universe? Are you ready for Trump? Don't answer that. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 5, 2016 10:09:14 GMT -5
The child's preference will be very important here. So, what will she say? If she'd choose him, than me leaving soon would be worse for her, because living alone with her father is worse than with both of us. So am I crazy for staying or for leaving? I was crazy for not having left when I could. But now....? Exactly. I appreciate that it's not an easy decision. If she's determined to stay, then it really ties your hands for the sake of her well-being. So much hinges on the decision of a child, and H's ability to influence that decision. |
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Post by tamara68 on May 6, 2016 1:49:45 GMT -5
I have thought of collecting evidence. I will start with writing down how things are at home, all the stupid rules and restrictions, the germ phobia. Objective evidence is harder. I do have some of my husbands notes. But each of his notes is filled also with all his accusations of me being a cold and horrible wife and mother. Does not look good. I am also a bit worried about making a long report on all that is wrong. In the Netherlands, that would be reason enough for youth care to take a child away from both parents. There is no civilized country where they do that as much as in the Netherlands. I know the risk in Belgium where we live now is a lot smaller, but it is possible that both of us would be seen as unsuitable parents. My daughter would never forgive me if she would lose both of us that way. I hope I am only worrying too much. And I hope I can find a lawyer who will give good advice. Oh duh me, I thought you were in the US. Isn't the US the center of the universe? Are you ready for Trump? Don't answer that. Lol. Funnily enough politics, including foreign at the borders of the universe, is a noncontroversial subject at home. Sort of relaxing to talk about your Trump. |
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Post by tamara68 on May 6, 2016 1:53:10 GMT -5
The child's preference will be very important here. So, what will she say? If she'd choose him, than me leaving soon would be worse for her, because living alone with her father is worse than with both of us. So am I crazy for staying or for leaving? I was crazy for not having left when I could. But now....? Exactly. I appreciate that it's not an easy decision. If she's determined to stay, then it really ties your hands for the sake of her well-being. So much hinges on the decision of a child, and H's ability to influence that decision. I find this very difficult. I can not discuss this with her. If I would ask her if she would come with me when I leave, she would be forced to keep that a secret or she would tell her dad. I hope that when she is a little older, the chance is bigger that she doesn't listen to him that much anymore. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 6, 2016 7:24:15 GMT -5
If I may, keep a diary. Just for and to her. Write down the thoughts and feelings and fears that you have concerning HER ONLY. Not about your marriage. I can't speak for any one else, But I was (still am a bit actually) stupid and hardheaded at her age. I just didn't have the life experiences. (Now it's mostly because- well I'm just stupid and hard headed  ) Give it to her when she becomes 18 and think of it as "Letter to your younger self". She may gain some insight into you and relationships. |
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Post by tamara68 on May 7, 2016 1:30:46 GMT -5
If I may, keep a diary. Just for and to her. Write down the thoughts and feelings and fears that you have concerning HER ONLY. Not about your marriage. Thanks, that is a good idea. |
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Post by sand5280 on May 7, 2016 3:28:09 GMT -5
My husband is not physical abusive. When I do as he wants, it is almost livable at home. If I don't, the atmosphere is bad and my daughter withdraws from me. I have tried to stand up to him, but no success. I can not change anything of him. He is stubborn and completely convinced of him being right. He never gives in and he always throws back the ball to me. I am the bad one, the mean and bitchy one. It is right that I have shouted at him often. We have had bad fights and I have said mean things to him out of desperation, grieve and frustration. I have also tried being reasonable, doesn't work either. Whatever I do, he always has the final word... These are just a few fragments. Knowing a bit more, and also about the health issues, the Obsessive Compulsive behavior is explained. Unfortunately it has gone out of control, as a result you and your daughter suffer. Your situation is indeed very complicated more than can be easily understood by someone else. I have minimal advice, as you have already received plenty, and your mind is working on it also. The rules you have to follow, I think you realize you may have to for a while. But as for the frequent arguments: I am not in your situation, and you could never accurately describe it to me, nor the consequences you mention. But someone who wants to be in control, actually wants to pursue an argument, has a few weaknesses that can be used against them. This is not to say you can win an argument, or eliminate them, but you can put yourself less in defense. You have realized that whatever you say will be interpreted as incorrect or unacceptable. Your views will be reversed and changed, returned back to you quite different than what you said or your implications. He will always have the last word. Two items to consider. One, silence is your strength. The less you say, the less can be twisted. If you are asked a question, give simple one sentence answers, which provide the facts concerning the question only. Do not elaborate on your answers, you are opening an opportunity for him. Offer facts, not opinions nor emotions. This is surprisingly very effective. Silence is your last word. Two, by all means absolutely keep your cool. The moment you raise your voice, he has the upper hand, this is what he wants. When you become angry, you are the mean terrible wife you have been made out to be. When you defend yourself with harsh words, you are admitting your accusations. If you stand firm and calm, the floor beneath you will be solid. As the saying goes, when you are throwing dirt you are losing ground. If you are told something that hurts, you must allow it to bounce off you, you are above this kind of treatment. This too is an amazing effective method. I've said before, you are a human being who deserves some rights. I hope my suggestions are not overly brazen. I have no tolerance for bullying behavior. Again, I don't know your entire situation, nor the consequences, but these are things to consider next time you are confronted. Please keep up with your posts and any progress. |
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