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Post by greatcoastal on May 27, 2017 6:26:18 GMT -5
Just how private was your divorce?
How important is it to you, or your spouse to keep it private?
Did you find out that people really don't care all that much?
Has divorce become so common that it's no big deal anymore?
Do you want others to know because you need the understanding, and comfort?
While your spouse wants everything to remain like it is, perhaps so no one will find out that their fake mask of one big ,model,loving, family, is anything but that?
The fact that ,your spouce wants it so private, can that be to your advantage, when reaching a settlement?
Once you're divorced, and want new friends, to start dating, how do you keep it private? Do you want the word out that you are available? Is it going to happen anyways, weather you want it to, or not?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My STBX gets to keep things pretty much the same. Same job, same house, (no for sale signs, moving, packing, cleaning, showing property, dealing with banks ,and realtors, no change of address) kids go to same school, same car, same furniture, grandpa still living with her, same insurance, same doctors,same stores, same repair people. Same church,although she goes less and less because people will see us no longer together. The few neighbors know, my STBX told them, "he filed first" like that really matters! Neighbors keep to themselves and so does she.
Me... not so private. Lots of changes are going to happen. I have to keep a positive attitude, (while going through an all time low) that things will be better, for everyone.
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Post by northstarmom on May 27, 2017 8:26:46 GMT -5
I live in the South in the Bible Belt, but my friends are liberal and progressive. My ex and I had been married 34 years when we divorced. He worked at a university where I had previously worked with him in the same department.
Our divorce was a surprise to most of our family and friends, but except for two friends -- an immigrant Chinese couple who offered to talk to my ex to try to patch things up -- everyone was supportive, and didn't try to change our minds.
My ex had few friends, and I had many. I didn't try to take his friends away from him. Neither of us asked people to choose sides. I remain on good terms with his family members that I was on good terms with then. My friends remain FB friends with my ex, who has permanently left the country.
My close friends had long known I was in a sexless marriage. I did share with people -- in a matter of fact way, not a vindictive way-- that my husband thought he'd fathered a child abroad. He had given the baby his name and had been secretly paying child support for several years. f there had been no "baby" (quotes because the paternity test I requested in the divorce settlement revealed the child was not his), I would not have mentioned to anyone that he'd had an affair. I hadn't learned about the affair until I decided to divorce).
Anyway, friends were very helpful. They helped me find a job and a lawyer. They encouraged me to --for my children's sake - require in the divorce settlement that my husband's "baby" be DNA tested. My friends invited me to parties and to go out dancing. They complimented me and helped me transition into the single life. They helped with my yard sales when I prepared to sell my house. And when I started dating, they helped me make wise decisions that helped me end up with the love of my life, the man (who was a close friend of several of my friends) whom I've now been with for four years.
I never felt that I had anything to hide or to be ashamed of. Due to years of talking with friends about my SM, I had realized that I was normal and healthy to want sex in a marriage. I also had learned that unlike what I'd seen with my parents, who had had separate bedrooms for most of my life, other people were really having sex in their romantic relationships -- even as senior citizens!
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Post by bballgirl on May 27, 2017 10:17:00 GMT -5
Very few of our "friends" know the real reason for our divorce.
Most heard that we grew apart. The ex and I agreed to say that to everyone.
However a limited amount of people in my life know the truth. My parents, my siblings, and a handful of my close friends that were part of my support network.
People don't care. Nobody chose one person over the other.
The ex and I had a drama free amicable divorce, and we still do things with the kids to promote the family unit.
We were just sexually incompatible which rotted out the marriage from the inside out. Now that we don't live together we are more respectful towards each other, everything is better and I get to have sex.
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Post by shamwow on May 27, 2017 13:23:29 GMT -5
At first was worried about what people thought. A failed marriage to me seemed to be a failure on my part. And I'm not accustomed to failure. However now I really don't care anymore. It is the truth. It is reality. And I have nothing to be ashamed of. My wife seems less inclined to talk about it with people. Her family knows I'm leaving of course but has no back story. She doesn't even really want anyone to see the air mattress in my study even though our marriage will be dissolved by the state of Texas in 30 short days. She doesn't even seem to want the cleaning people to know. So if anyone wants to know? No problem. They will just hear we grew apart, think about it maybe 5 minutes max, and change the channel on the TV. I'm taking care of myseld and my kids. I can look myself in the mirror with pride. Anyone who has a problem with that? They can go fuck themselves with a broken, stolen dick  |
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Post by Caris on May 27, 2017 15:28:39 GMT -5
I kept it as private as possible, and since the divorce, I hate saying "I'm divorced," although I now feel like a widow, but without the benifits. I've decided to keep "Mrs" as my title, and keep his name. I'm too long in the tooth, and too damn weary to start changing things. Too many changes already.
Like you, lost my home, dog, moved across the country, and started anew...whatever that means because I haven't started anything new.
I think if you date (I don't) then you can't keep it private. As I see it for myself, and as I hate the word "divorced," I'm just going to be a widow, except for legal documents. That's how I feel, but you must do whatever feels right to you.
Best of luck. It's very, very hard.
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Post by dinnaken on May 27, 2017 17:00:15 GMT -5
An interesting dilemma greatcoastal , I do a very public job but at heart I'm a rather private person (which is one of the wonderfully liberating things about this forum); so, that's where I'm coming from. I know that I have nothing to feel guilty about and nothing to be ashamed of and so I don't mind who knows about my separation. However, in practice, the people I've told fall into a few discrete groups - my immediate family is the main group, they have to know and I figure that the word will leak out slowly to more distant members. My family has been quiet and supportive - no drama, no prying questions and no suggestions of 'patching things up' etc. They were told that there would be no taking sides and I was secretly pleased when they looked at me slightly disappointed that I'd felt the need to say it. I told a few friends, but not all of them, I'll feel freer to tell the others when my wife moves out (I'm staying in the family home for now), I reason that that will cause the least awkwardness for them. The main ones that I can really open up to are those who have either been through a divorce themselves or who are in marriages that have been/are troubled. They've been really supportive. At work, HR know for administrative reasons and that's it. I'll tell people when we finally separate they don't need to know before then. In the UK you can't simply get divorced, someone has to be to blame... So we'll live separately for two years and then one of us will divorce the other on the grounds of 'irretrievable breakdown' but when my wife moves out I will regard it as the formal end of our marriage (in reality it ended years ago) and at that point I imagine you'll be able to see my smile from space, so I guess I'll have to tell people then! For me separation and divorce hold no stigma or shame; I think for most people it's just a fact of life. I intend to just get on with my new, different life. One final thought, along the way, when I've had to tell people, often complete strangers, about my situation, in order to get things done, I have (without exception) found myself dealing with non-judgemental, helpful people. And that's a really good thing |
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Post by baza on May 27, 2017 19:27:43 GMT -5
I imagine, but don't know, that persons on the outer orbit of my friends spent many seconds speculating about my divorce. Possibly as many as 120 of them, or 2 whole minutes. Among the persons in my intermediate friends orbit, I'd imagine they spent several minutes of focus on my divorce. Possibly as many as 5, maybe even 10 ! Those in my inner orbit of friends may have concentrated on my extraordinarily interesting personal life for anything up to half an hour I would guess. Even those 4 people I would regard as very close personal friends of many years standing didn't spend every waking hour concerning themselves about the trials and tribulations of baz and Mrs baz. Seven years down the track, no-one gives a fuck. That 'outer' group of people now - if reminded of the events of 2009 would probably looked puzzled and say "baz who  " |
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Post by cagedtiger on May 28, 2017 21:04:05 GMT -5
Just how private was your divorce? How important is it to you, or your spouse to keep it private? Did you find out that people really don't care all that much? Has divorce become so common that it's no big deal anymore? Do you want others to know because you need the understanding, and comfort? While your spouse wants everything to remain like it is, perhaps so no one will find out there fake mask of one big ,model,loving, family, is anything but that? The fact that ,your spouce wants it so private, can that be to your advantage, when reaching a settlement? Once you're divorced, and want new friends, to start dating, how do you keep it private? Do you want the word out that you are available? Is it going to happen anyways, weather you want it to, or not? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My STBX gets to keep things pretty much the same. Same job, same house, (no for sale signs, moving, packing, cleaning, showing property, dealing with banks ,and realtors, no change of address) kids go to same school, same car, same furniture, grandpa still living with her, same insurance, same doctors,same stores, same repair people. Same church,although she goes less and less because people will see us no longer together. The few neighbors know, my STBX told them, "he filed first" like that really matters! Neighbors keep to themselves and so does she. Me... not so private. Lots of changes are going to happen. I have to keep a positive attitude, (while going through an all time low) that things will be better, for everyone. My STBX is still locked in the delusion that this isn't happening, that I'm 'not myself,' and that I'll eventually "come around" and start "behaving myself" again. It appears that my parents, or at the least my mom, have helped encourage this belief in her. As such, I have no clue what she's told the friends or her family on her side of this, nor do I particularly care, aside from a bit of annoyance that they're probably not getting anything close to a complete version of the truth. I have no desire to make a public spectacle, and she puts a massive amount of stock into appearances and what other people will think about things. As such, I've stepped away from our church, and haven't changed anything on my Facebook page, in terms of changing relationship status or posting anything about what's going on (not that I would to begin with). In fact, I've pretty much gone dark when it comes to my online social media presence. I've had a couple of family members start picking up on that, mostly due to the fact that neither of us has posted on our FB's anything to do with the other since, oh, probably our honeymoon a little over two years ago. My inner circle of closest friends have known pretty much everything since I started bringing them up to speed last summer, as I realized I'd become isolated from my network of support. They've been expecting a lot longer than I knew that I'd announce that we were going to divorce. I've only let people know that it's happening, because I've been re-establishing connections with people I care about. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 29, 2017 9:10:21 GMT -5
Just how private was your divorce? How important is it to you, or your spouse to keep it private? Did you find out that people really don't care all that much? Has divorce become so common that it's no big deal anymore? Do you want others to know because you need the understanding, and comfort? While your spouse wants everything to remain like it is, perhaps so no one will find out there fake mask of one big ,model,loving, family, is anything but that? The fact that ,your spouce wants it so private, can that be to your advantage, when reaching a settlement? Once you're divorced, and want new friends, to start dating, how do you keep it private? Do you want the word out that you are available? Is it going to happen anyways, weather you want it to, or not? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My STBX gets to keep things pretty much the same. Same job, same house, (no for sale signs, moving, packing, cleaning, showing property, dealing with banks ,and realtors, no change of address) kids go to same school, same car, same furniture, grandpa still living with her, same insurance, same doctors,same stores, same repair people. Same church,although she goes less and less because people will see us no longer together. The few neighbors know, my STBX told them, "he filed first" like that really matters! Neighbors keep to themselves and so does she. Me... not so private. Lots of changes are going to happen. I have to keep a positive attitude, (while going through an all time low) that things will be better, for everyone. My STBX is still locked in the delusion that this isn't happening, that I'm 'not myself,' and that I'll eventually "come around" and start "behaving myself" again. It appears that my parents, or at the least my mom, have helped encourage this belief in her. As such, I have no clue what she's told the friends or her family on her side of this, nor do I particularly care, aside from a bit of annoyance that they're probably not getting anything close to a complete version of the truth. Your response, the first paragraph, goes back to when you first came on ILIASM. I'm curious what you see going on here. What character traits, behaviors, do you see in your STBX? Do you see any of the same traits in how your mom treats you? Or how your mom treats your dad, and how he responds? (Forgive me if I am treading on thin ice by saying anything negative about someones parents) I am thinking you notice the same things I do, from your posts. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 3, 2017 11:15:09 GMT -5
Back to keeping it private. My court case is coming up. "charges" are going to be held against my spouse. Thes "charges" involve Violating standing court orders,-mostly all about money- leading to contempt of court. Added onto that is "fraud" involving my w's family member.
These are 'victories' for me-but not happy ones. The letters, documents, attorney meetings, continuous documentation of receipts and letters of cancellations, re-instating policies, phone calls, etc... They slow down my day, my week, my thought process, it takes a toll.
These are things that I need others to know, I need comfort and re-assurance. It gets difficult to just stay quiet about it.
Especially living in the same house, just a few feet away from the door of my FIL. This latest "fraud" involves both of his daughters. The same daughters that he brags "are such angels". I continue to remain tight lipped about it.
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Post by WindSister on Nov 3, 2017 12:00:06 GMT -5
Back to keeping it private. My court case is coming up. "charges" are going to be held against my spouse. Thes "charges" involve Violating standing court orders,-mostly all about money- leading to contempt of court. Added onto that is "fraud" involving my w's family member. These are 'victories' for me-but not happy ones. The letters, documents, attorney meetings, continuous documentation of receipts and letters of cancellations, re-instating policies, phone calls, etc... They slow down my day, my week, my thought process, it takes a toll. These are things that I need others to know, I need comfort and re-assurance. It gets difficult to just stay quiet about it. Especially living in the same house, just a few feet away from the door of my FIL. This latest "fraud" involves both of his daughters. The same daughters that he brags "are such angels". I continue to remain tight lipped about it. Tight-lipped sounds the route to go unless it's someone close to you (or a support group such as this one). You will come out the one who took the high road, walked with grace, even when that's hard to do. Speaking from experience, that always feels better. But, yes, it's important to have an outlet where you can keep things real - scream -- shout - let the graces down and say, "this really SUCKS and SHE really sucks" sometimes. Just be conscious of the audience. Hang in there... tough stuff, but you got this! |
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Post by shamwow on Nov 3, 2017 12:12:35 GMT -5
Back to keeping it private. My court case is coming up. "charges" are going to be held against my spouse. Thes "charges" involve Violating standing court orders,-mostly all about money- leading to contempt of court. Added onto that is "fraud" involving my w's family member. These are 'victories' for me-but not happy ones. The letters, documents, attorney meetings, continuous documentation of receipts and letters of cancellations, re-instating policies, phone calls, etc... They slow down my day, my week, my thought process, it takes a toll. These are things that I need others to know, I need comfort and re-assurance. It gets difficult to just stay quiet about it. Especially living in the same house, just a few feet away from the door of my FIL. This latest "fraud" involves both of his daughters. The same daughters that he brags "are such angels". I continue to remain tight lipped about it. Skeletons in the closet can be ugly things. There are a few that are from my former marriage that I will take to the grave. Nothing in my closet per-se, but bringing them out could be extremely hurtful to my ex-wife and her family. There is nothing to be gained by dredging them out, so they will stay buried or in the closet or whatever. I'd advise to remain tight lipped if it will be hurtful to others and it isn't necessary for it to come out. You'll feel better about having done that once you are fully out. |
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Post by dinnaken on Nov 3, 2017 14:26:45 GMT -5
I agree with shamwow you're doing the right thing staying out of the muck. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 3, 2017 15:04:46 GMT -5
I kept it as private as possible, and since the divorce, I hate saying "I'm divorced," although I now feel like a widow, but without the benifits. I've decided to keep "Mrs" as my title, and keep his name. I'm too long in the tooth, and too damn weary to start changing things. Too many changes already. Like you, lost my home, dog, moved across the country, and started anew...whatever that means because I haven't started anything new. I think if you date (I don't) then you can't keep it private. As I see it for myself, and as I hate the word "divorced," I'm just going to be a widow, except for legal documents. That's how I feel, but you must do whatever feels right to you. Best of luck. It's very, very hard. I think I will refer to myself as "single" and not divorced. The divorced part can be discussed later. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 3, 2017 15:25:33 GMT -5
Back to keeping it private. My court case is coming up. "charges" are going to be held against my spouse. Thes "charges" involve Violating standing court orders,-mostly all about money- leading to contempt of court. Added onto that is "fraud" involving my w's family member. These are 'victories' for me-but not happy ones. The letters, documents, attorney meetings, continuous documentation of receipts and letters of cancellations, re-instating policies, phone calls, etc... They slow down my day, my week, my thought process, it takes a toll. These are things that I need others to know, I need comfort and re-assurance. It gets difficult to just stay quiet about it. Especially living in the same house, just a few feet away from the door of my FIL. This latest "fraud" involves both of his daughters. The same daughters that he brags "are such angels". I continue to remain tight lipped about it. Tight-lipped sounds the route to go unless it's someone close to you (or a support group such as this one). You will come out the one who took the high road, walked with grace, even when that's hard to do. Speaking from experience, that always feels better. But, yes, it's important to have an outlet where you can keep things real - scream -- shout - let the graces down and say, "this really SUCKS and SHE really sucks" sometimes. Just be conscious of the audience. Hang in there... tough stuff, but you got this! It does appear that outside the confines of my little group of friends and immediate family, it wont ever see the light of day. However that is all I have-for now- my small circle of immediate family and surface friends who relate. When it comes to family, it is an ace up my sleeve. It continues to stay there, itching to come out!! Part of me is waiting, wondering, if "the story" is going to get even bigger! Another reason to just let things take it's course. My W's illegal antics give me a day or a week of constant stress. With it comes thoughts of revenge. "I can do the same to her", "how would she take it if the same things where in reverse?" I'm doing my best, not to do that. I'm not going to give her that 'gift' for court purposes. I do struggle with telling the truth. Struggling with how much, when, and to who? My mind quickly goes to 'forgiveness'. I saw a meme' the other day that I liked, it said "I forgive you for being such an A-hole". That doesn't change the fact that you are still an A-hole! |
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