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Post by DryCreek on Nov 3, 2017 15:34:52 GMT -5
greatcoastal, there will be some who will find the story interesting and be curious about the details. Most will not care about the backstory, blame, fraud, etc and will find the details tedious; all that matters to them is that you two are no longer married. You'll have to be discerning about whether someone is inquiring just to be polite or is truly interested.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 3, 2017 16:07:15 GMT -5
I kept it as private as possible, and since the divorce, I hate saying "I'm divorced," although I now feel like a widow, but without the benifits. I've decided to keep "Mrs" as my title, and keep his name. I'm too long in the tooth, and too damn weary to start changing things. Too many changes already. Like you, lost my home, dog, moved across the country, and started anew...whatever that means because I haven't started anything new. I think if you date (I don't) then you can't keep it private. As I see it for myself, and as I hate the word "divorced," I'm just going to be a widow, except for legal documents. That's how I feel, but you must do whatever feels right to you. Best of luck. It's very, very hard. I think I will refer to myself as "single" and not divorced. The divorced part can be discussed later. I'm a "single guy" unless the subject at hand is my kids. In that case "divorced" seems more appropriate than letting them think I'm Johnny appleseed spreading my self around to baby mamas. I'm glad that there is no longer a tell tale ring tan line. There is still a slight imprint from 20 years on my finger, but that is slowly fading as well. I'm single. |
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Post by shamwow on Nov 3, 2017 16:12:01 GMT -5
greatcoastal , there will be some who will find the story interesting and be curious about the details. Most will not care about the backstory, blame, fraud, etc and will find the details tedious; all that matters to them is that you two are no longer married. You'll have to be discerning about whether someone is inquiring just to be polite or is truly interested. I agree on this one. If I mention I'm divorced or mention my "ex" there is a moment of tension as the person on the other end of the conversation waits to see if the conversation is about to take an uncomfortable turn. When it becomes apparent I'm merely describing my cast of characters without any of the nasty backstory, there is generally a relief we aren't about to dive into that shit. I guess it makes sense. If someone talks about their divorce, it generally isn't exactly an upbeat conversation. I don't want to hear about that shit either. |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 3, 2017 16:41:16 GMT -5
I think less is more. Other than my siblings, parents, and a couple of close friends I kept the details to myself. Most people really don't care and sometimes the ones that do are just being nosey.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 3, 2017 21:01:10 GMT -5
I think less is more. Other than my siblings, parents, and a couple of close friends I kept the details to myself. Most people really don't care and sometimes the ones that do are just being nosey. I understand that. However you do want the next person who is more than just a date, to want to know about your divorce details? You would also want to know about theirs? It is a major part of who you are now, and we are still in a healing process? Both of you would want to offer help in that healing process to each other? I'm looking forward to a healthy dose of both: First, Moving forward and presenting the real more fun me. Second, Also the me that is overcoming a life altering event. While working on the fun, taking front seat while the past needs less and less attention. |
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 3, 2017 22:08:33 GMT -5
greatcoastal, I think it's the difference between informing them of your past vs defining yourself by this life event. Certainly, if you're dating someone then it's relevant info, to the extent they want details. If you're chatting with the cashier at the market or someone you've just met, then probably not. So, I'm not saying hide from it. I'm saying, don't wear it on your sleeve and freely spill the whole tale. I think it is good - important, even - to share and vent in the context of your support network, for the purpose of working through all the emotional scarring and regrounding yourself for a more normal future. I think it's unhealthy when people define themselves by a terrible life experience and persist in keeping the pain fresh by reliving it over and over in the retelling. This grants immortality to the wrongdoer and gives off a "damaged goods" vibe that will scare off the very relationships that might be needed to heal. FWIW, DC
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Post by Caris on Nov 3, 2017 22:56:44 GMT -5
greatcoastal , there will be some who will find the story interesting and be curious about the details. Most will not care about the backstory, blame, fraud, etc and will find the details tedious; all that matters to them is that you two are no longer married. You'll have to be discerning about whether someone is inquiring just to be polite or is truly interested. I agree on this one. If I mention I'm divorced or mention my "ex" there is a moment of tension as the person on the other end of the conversation waits to see if the conversation is about to take an uncomfortable turn. When it becomes apparent I'm merely describing my cast of characters without any of the nasty backstory, there is generally a relief we aren't about to dive into that shit. I guess it makes sense. If someone talks about their divorce, it generally isn't exactly an upbeat conversation. I don't want to hear about that shit either. Exactly. The last thing I want to talk about with new people (or anyone other than a therapist, who needs to know) is my divorce, and my SM. In fact, can’t imagine discussing that with anyone, except what I write here. Living through it was hard enough, so I don’t want to rehash that hell with others. Come to think of it, I don’t want to rehash it with a therapist. It’s painful and in the past, and that’s where it can stay. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 4, 2017 8:50:18 GMT -5
“Come to think of it, I don’t want to rehash it with a therapist. It’s painful and in the past, and that’s where it can stay.”
If you have any interest in further enriching your present, therapy could be useful for that and might not (depending on your therapist) involve regarding your past.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 4, 2017 9:06:00 GMT -5
My experience in both of my divorces is that for the most part others have very little interest in why one is divorcing. No one in my family, non of my friends nor did anyone in my church ask about my 1st divorce. And in my 2nd only 1 person (a cousin I am very close to) and 1 member of my church ask why. So my conclusion is that generally speaking there will be very little interest on the part of others as to why the 2 of you aren't married any longer.
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 4, 2017 10:04:03 GMT -5
I agree on this one. If I mention I'm divorced or mention my "ex" there is a moment of tension as the person on the other end of the conversation waits to see if the conversation is about to take an uncomfortable turn. When it becomes apparent I'm merely describing my cast of characters without any of the nasty backstory, there is generally a relief we aren't about to dive into that shit. I guess it makes sense. If someone talks about their divorce, it generally isn't exactly an upbeat conversation. I don't want to hear about that shit either. Exactly. The last thing I want to talk about with new people (or anyone other than a therapist, who needs to know) is my divorce, and my SM. In fact, can’t imagine discussing that with anyone, except what I write here. Living through it was hard enough, so I don’t want to rehash that hell with others. Come to think of it, I don’t want to rehash it with a therapist. It’s painful and in the past, and that’s where it can stay. Sometimes you need to retell the story inorder to redefine yourself and who you were within the story. Your a woman that made a mistake, lived thru hell, it destroyed you, but in the end you found your courage, fought back and won. |
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Post by Caris on Nov 4, 2017 15:02:04 GMT -5
Exactly. The last thing I want to talk about with new people (or anyone other than a therapist, who needs to know) is my divorce, and my SM. In fact, can’t imagine discussing that with anyone, except what I write here. Living through it was hard enough, so I don’t want to rehash that hell with others. Come to think of it, I don’t want to rehash it with a therapist. It’s painful and in the past, and that’s where it can stay. Sometimes you need to retell the story inorder to redefine yourself and who you were within the story. Your a woman that made a mistake, lived thru hell, it destroyed you, but in the end you found your courage, fought back and won. Thank you for this, but I haven’t won anything. I’m a wreck. |
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