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Post by orangepeel on May 27, 2017 4:44:15 GMT -5
I have a question, and I admit it's a stupid one: what is counter-refusal?
I stopped initiating five or so years ago and so haven't had sex for, well, five or so years. The reason I stopped was I was sick of being turned down and I've got my pride blah, blah, blah.
For the last couple of years I've come to realise that if my W initiated, I'd say no. In fact, I'd rather saw my cock off than let her at it. She doesn't deserve it. (Not that she wants it, mind.)
So I suppose I've answered my own question. Which is, in a way, the point of the thread.
But have any of you been in that position when you actually did refuse sex for those reasons?
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on May 27, 2017 5:57:50 GMT -5
orangepeel I'm no expert as my situation differs from most on this site but I get your point. Refusal on your part Stems from the emotional pain your W inflicts on you. This really is abuse and I'm very sorry you are experiencing it. Rejection creates anger and resentment and like weeds they are tough to get rid of. Hell if I was certain my husband was completely Hetero and wanted to throw me a bone, I'd jump at the opportunity but I'd be doing it solely for my own pleasure. Hang in there!
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Post by bballgirl on May 27, 2017 6:17:29 GMT -5
Yes you answered it perfectly. After years of rejection the pain is too much and we no longer want to have sex with them.
I went into that mode the last 2 years of my marriage but I only got to refuse him one time. After I told him I wanted a divorce he tried to reset me but I could not go there.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 27, 2017 6:22:40 GMT -5
I haven't been a counter refuser yet, but I decided that if I ever become one, then the marriage is done.
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Post by orangepeel on May 27, 2017 7:34:41 GMT -5
Thanks everyone: it really helps,as you'll know, to get answers.
But blimey, it's depressing, isn't it?
I suppose, though, that that's our entrance fee to this club!
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Post by worksforme2 on May 27, 2017 7:46:01 GMT -5
I only refused my X on one occasion, but not for the reasons you listed.
As I was watching TV she walked in, picked up the remote, turned off the program I was watching and announced she was "in the mood". She then walked out of the room toward the room where I slept. I turned the TV back on and finished watching the program, probably another 30 to 45 minutes, then headed to bed. By this time she had moved to the room where she slept. A couple days went by before she said anything. Out of the blue she said: " I suppose you feel justified in getting even by turning me down for all the times when I have said no". My response: " It wasn't about getting even, it was about respect". She never said another word about it.
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 27, 2017 8:59:43 GMT -5
I only refused my X on one occasion, but not for the reasons you listed. As I was watching TV she walked in, picked up the remote, turned off the program I was watching and announced she was "in the mood". She then walked out of the room toward the room where I slept. I turned the TV back on and finished watching the program, probably another 30 to 45 minutes, then headed to bed. By this time she had moved to the room where she slept. A couple days went by before she said anything. Out of the blue she said: " I suppose you feel justified in getting even by turning me down for all the times when I have said no". My response: " It wasn't about getting even, it was about respect". She never said another word about it. I love the fact that when respect (or lack thereof) is mentioned, time to drop or change the subject. This seems common among us. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 27, 2017 9:45:06 GMT -5
I have a question, and I admit it's a stupid one: what is counter-refusal? I stopped initiating five or so years ago and so haven't had sex for, well, five or so years. The reason I stopped was I was sick of being turned down and I've got my pride blah, blah, blah. For the last couple of years I've come to realise that if my W initiated, I'd say no. Counter-refusal happens for different reasons, but I'd broadly say "enlightenment". An awareness that goes beyond the immediate craving for intimacy. For some, it's because they realize their spouse is using sex as a manipulation tool. For others, their spouse has actually become repulsive. Yet others counter-refuse to protect themselves emotionally. Even though they desperately still desire their spouse, they've come to realize that "Maybe this time will be better" or "Maybe things are improving" are falsehoods. Even though they might really want intimacy, they realize that playing along just enables the refuser's reality that "everything is great, and I'm doing my part". Without reaching this point, it's very easy to accept one bad experience after another, always hoping the next one will be better. Kicking the can down the road just a little further, only to discover one day that you've been doing it for 25 years. |
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Post by shamwow on May 27, 2017 10:49:39 GMT -5
I have a question, and I admit it's a stupid one: what is counter-refusal? I stopped initiating five or so years ago and so haven't had sex for, well, five or so years. The reason I stopped was I was sick of being turned down and I've got my pride blah, blah, blah. For the last couple of years I've come to realise that if my W initiated, I'd say no. Counter-refusal happens for different reasons, but I'd broadly say "enlightenment". An awareness that goes beyond the immediate craving for intimacy. For some, it's because they realize their spouse is using sex as a manipulation tool. For others, their spouse has actually become repulsive. Yet others counter-refuse to protect themselves emotionally. Even though they desperately still desire their spouse, they've come to realize that "Maybe this time will be better" or "Maybe things are improving" are falsehoods. Even though they might really want intimacy, they realize that playing along just enables the refuser's reality that "everything is great, and I'm doing my part". Without reaching this point, it's very easy to accept one bad experience after another, always hoping the next one will be better. Kicking the can down the road just a little further, only to discover one day that you've been doing it for 25 years. This last one is me. But I'm much smarter. I realized I was doing it after 20 years not 25... |
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Post by bran127 on May 27, 2017 17:05:58 GMT -5
What is so weird is that I was just about to create a post with the EXACT same question. I too stopped initiating because I was sick being turned down and feeling rejected. I also was just pondering if he initiated sex, would I even be interested in having it with him. I came to the realization that I honestly don't think I would be interested. Not in any way out of spite for him always rejecting me, but because we are so emotionally disconnected that I don't think I would enjoy it. I have started to question whether I am even sexually attracted to him anymore. even though I am desperately craving sexual contact and want to jump strangers just to experience passion again, I don't think I would experience any passion with him. I literally have more romance with myself!
It's always reassuring to know we are not alone when have these thoughts. This group has been a great outlet for me!
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Post by baza on May 27, 2017 19:41:46 GMT -5
The theory behind counter-refusal is to put you back in charge of your sexual persona. To make the choice that if there is to be no sex, then it is by YOUR choice. It actually has fuck all to do with your refuser spouse. It has fuck all to do with revenge or "giving them a taste of their own medicine". It is YOU taking ownership and responsibility of your life. It is NOT going to do anything about fixing your ILIASM shithole (as if anything will) And as Brother hopingforachange alludes to, it is a huge indicator that your deal is done. |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 27, 2017 22:58:12 GMT -5
What is so weird is that I was just about to create a post with the EXACT same question. I too stopped initiating because I was sick being turned down and feeling rejected. I also was just pondering if he initiated sex, would I even be interested in having it with him. I came to the realization that I honestly don't think I would be interested. Not in any way out of spite for him always rejecting me, but because we are so emotionally disconnected that I don't think I would enjoy it. I have started to question whether I am even sexually attracted to him anymore. even though I am desperately craving sexual contact and want to jump strangers just to experience passion again, I don't think I would experience any passion with him. I literally have more romance with myself! It's always reassuring to know we are not alone when have these thoughts. This group has been a great outlet for me! I think all of us has been there. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 27, 2017 23:40:10 GMT -5
Hello, I am Rhapsodee and I am a counter refuser.
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Post by rdp62 on May 27, 2017 23:46:21 GMT -5
I have a question, and I admit it's a stupid one: what is counter-refusal? I stopped initiating five or so years ago and so haven't had sex for, well, five or so years. The reason I stopped was I was sick of being turned down and I've got my pride blah, blah, blah. For the last couple of years I've come to realise that if my W initiated, I'd say no. In fact, I'd rather saw my cock off than let her at it. She doesn't deserve it. (Not that she wants it, mind.) So I suppose I've answered my own question. Which is, in a way, the point of the thread. But have any of you been in that position when you actually did refuse sex for those reasons? Yes and starting divorce process now |
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Post by rdp62 on May 27, 2017 23:47:42 GMT -5
Hello, I am Rhapsodee and I am a counter refuser. Yes! |
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