|
|
Post by solodriver on May 28, 2017 0:13:50 GMT -5
Hello I'm Solodriver and I'm a counter-refuser!
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on May 28, 2017 1:49:17 GMT -5
And the group gives a round of applause!
There hasn't been and there will not be any further intimacy. I am completely disconnected now. He doesn't understand why I won't even hold his hand anymore. I can barely endure a kiss on the cheek.
Hello, I'm merrygoround and I'm a counter refuser.
|
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on May 28, 2017 3:20:43 GMT -5
Hi I'm Dinnaken and I'm a counter refuser too!
In my case I was refusing to play her controlling games anymore; I was reclaiming control of me and my life and if that meant no sex, tough but so be it.
Soon after taking that decision I knew my marriage was over that that it would one day end; it took longer than I would have wished but it was a case of "events dear boy, events"
|
|
|
|
Post by orangepeel on May 28, 2017 3:46:06 GMT -5
What is so weird is that I was just about to create a post with the EXACT same question. I too stopped initiating because I was sick being turned down and feeling rejected. I also was just pondering if he initiated sex, would I even be interested in having it with him. I came to the realization that I honestly don't think I would be interested. Not in any way out of spite for him always rejecting me, but because we are so emotionally disconnected that I don't think I would enjoy it. I have started to question whether I am even sexually attracted to him anymore. even though I am desperately craving sexual contact and want to jump strangers just to experience passion again, I don't think I would experience any passion with him. I literally have more romance with myself! It's always reassuring to know we are not alone when have these thoughts. This group has been a great outlet for me! Welcome, my sister in sexlessness! The connections in this community are truly healing, I think. They're enough to make our own individual land-locked lives bearable. They give our non-avatar, day-to-day selves that sense of vindication we so badly need. |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 29, 2017 1:18:17 GMT -5
It's kind of a strange phenomenon. One day you just wake up and yeah, you're done.
From what I understand, when one gets to this stage its nearly impossible to regain sexual attraction for your spouse.
Once this stage appears, it's a good idea to seriously consider one's options.
*Stay
*Leave
*Cheat
None of these are easy. *Stay* is probably the most painful in the long term, imho.
|
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on May 29, 2017 3:34:45 GMT -5
Hello. I'm Eternal Optimism and the one chance I had to counter refuse my roommate I blew.
His alcohol and cocaine levels had me concerned what consequences may ensue if I had.
I hope I don't have to face counter refusal again before I get this relationship finished.
Better to stay detached.
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on May 29, 2017 3:41:03 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by seabr33z3 on May 29, 2017 6:26:19 GMT -5
The act of counter refusal can be to take back control or simply because you no longer respect, trust or desire that person any longer and the thought of being physically intimate with that person creates feelings of nausea and revulsion.
|
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on May 29, 2017 7:00:45 GMT -5
Hello, I am Snowman12345 and I am a counter refuser. In my case there is a bit of spite involved.
W: Do you want to do it?
Me: No, I've already taken care of it myself.
W: Without me?
Me: Yes. (always)
W: (Look of consternation)
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 29, 2017 7:21:09 GMT -5
Hello, I am Snowman12345 and I am a counter refuser. In my case there is a bit of spite involved. W: Do you want to do it? Me: No, I've already taken care of it myself. W: Without me? Me: Yes. (always) W: (Look of consternation) YUP....Disrespectful,selfish, controlling words and actions ,like these, made me do an about face in all other aspects of our marriage as well. Hence the divorce. The cold, selfish attitude towards the sex and intimacy, lifts the FOG towards the entire relationship. Hello, I am GreatCoastal and I am a counter refuser. In my case there was a false hope. Clinging to that once a year, crumb of a re-set. Clinging to the notion, "there's so much more to a marriage" when the other parts were treated the same way, just crumbs. |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 29, 2017 7:39:07 GMT -5
Hello. I'm Eternal Optimism and the one chance I had to counter refuse my roommate I blew. His alcohol and cocaine levels had me concerned what consequences may ensue if I had. I hope I don't have to face counter refusal again before I get this relationship finished. Better to stay detached. Just make sure you don't blame the victim, your self. Some times you have to make the choice with the least worst outcome. While I am mad with what he did to you, I can be happy that you are still here. You can be prepared for next time. With mace in your pocket and a neighbor's number that we running over and not being afraid to call the police. |
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on May 29, 2017 7:55:11 GMT -5
Hey we should set up a support group. Oh wait......  |
|
|
|
Post by nolongerlonely on May 30, 2017 1:30:56 GMT -5
Hello, I'm lonely and I am a counter refuser. I havent actually had to be a counter refuser though, how funny is that, lol (because its never been offered). In the words of hopingforachange its done. And has been for several years. I've been in 'limbo' for about the last 5 years, assuming this way of life is the best on offer. Until finding this group that is. Like a gold prospecter working for years in starvation, and then hitting the 'motherload' (I'm actually laughing) |
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on May 30, 2017 9:06:37 GMT -5
We often call it "counter-refusal" because the situation is still framed as a lack of our own agency.
In reality, it's just a refusal, for reasons, just as your partner also avoids sex with you for reasons.
You both have reasons to avoid sex with each other.
They might not be symmetrical reasons, but in each case, the immediate rewards or reduction of harm in avoiding sex with your partner exceed those of having sex with your partner.
The "counter-refusal" reward begins being framed as "take that!" - as if telling someone who doesn't want to have sex with you and who is granting you the charity of physical stimulation is some kind of punishment to them. It's a holiday.
After a few years of that, it just ends at avoidance. Pretty soon you end up feeling weird dressing in front of them because their gaze is like a funhouse mirror that makes you feel grotesque.
The biggest leap comes in moving from "counter-refusal" toward just sleeping in a different bed, because, like siblings on vacation - this is not a person with whom you have a sexual relationship.
|
|
|
|
Post by Carol on May 30, 2017 15:51:08 GMT -5
I guess I'm a counter refuser too. Even if he were to initiate sex, I'd push him away. You made me live a celibate life for 14 f'ing years . You don't just get to have me again when it suites you. I'm too good for him.
Yeah, I have ALOT of resentment built up.
|
|
