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Post by JonDoe on May 23, 2017 21:35:12 GMT -5
Divorce sucks! Just sayin...
Everyday keeps getting more and more bizarre as I observe this person I've shared a life with for more than 25 years behave more unexepectedly with each passing day. What makes it even weirder is her attempts at rationalizing her comments and actions if I bother to inquire. I'm completely dumbfounded with a "WTF?" look on my face and nearly speechless. Tonight, I actually looked all around trying to spot the hidden cameras because it felt like I was being purposefully punked, but she was being serious. I like a really good challenge, but this is getting out of my league!
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Post by baza on May 23, 2017 22:16:01 GMT -5
Is your lawyer being pro-active Brother JonDoe ? Your last couple of posts seem to reflect a reactionary position where your missus' lawyer is running the agenda (almost like it was her who filed) Divorce is not much fun, even if you can adopt a pro-active position. And a whole lot less fun if you are boxed in to a reactionary position. For all that, if there are cameras about, the time is coming where you'll be saying - "Mrs JonDoe, the tribe has spoken" and you snuff out her torch, and she exits stage right. |
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Post by shamwow on May 24, 2017 8:15:40 GMT -5
If it makes you feel any better, I have what appears to be the most amicable divorce I've ever heard of and I am still experiencing many of the same things.
This shit fucks with your head, fucks with her head, fucks with everyone's head. The veneer we kept on the marriage has been stripped and it shouldn't be surprising that the wood beneath has some serious cracks. My guess is that yours does too (mine does).
How much longer is your process? Do what you can to speed it, and when you can't, avoid her.
Divorce doesn't just suck, it feels like you're in a pinball machine... And you're the ball.
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Post by northstarmom on May 24, 2017 8:43:16 GMT -5
Divorce may suck, but the alternative -- staying in a dysfunctional marriage until parted by death -- is much, much worse. I saw the alternative: my parents staying in a sexless, loveless, contempt-filled marriage until my father died after a series of strokes that left him mute, incontinent, partially paralyzed and with my mother as his main caretaker. The fear of ending up like that is what helped me not get lost in the depths of despair during my divorce. I knew I'd rather grow old and die alone or in a nursing home than to end up like my parents. By the time my dad died, my mom was so bitter that she prayed every night to die in her sleep.
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Post by shamwow on May 25, 2017 12:31:49 GMT -5
Divorce may suck, but the alternative -- staying in a dysfunctional marriage until parted by death -- is much, much worse. I saw the alternative: my parents staying in a sexless, loveless, contempt-filled marriage until my father died after a series of strokes that left him mute, incontinent, partially paralyzed and with my mother as his main caretaker. The fear of ending up like that is what helped me not get lost in the depths of despair during my divorce. I knew I'd rather grow old and die alone or in a nursing home than to end up like my parents. By the time my dad died, my mom was so bitter that she prayed every night to die in her sleep. Amen! |
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Post by dinnaken on May 25, 2017 13:09:01 GMT -5
Divorce may suck, but the alternative -- staying in a dysfunctional marriage until parted by death -- is much, much worse. I saw the alternative: my parents staying in a sexless, loveless, contempt-filled marriage until my father died after a series of strokes that left him mute, incontinent, partially paralyzed and with my mother as his main caretaker. The fear of ending up like that is what helped me not get lost in the depths of despair during my divorce. I knew I'd rather grow old and die alone or in a nursing home than to end up like my parents. By the time my dad died, my mom was so bitter that she prayed every night to die in her sleep. I couldn't agree more, like you the idea of staying in a dysfunctional marriage until I died was perhaps the main driver for me to get out. This post is spot on... |
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Post by nancyb on May 25, 2017 13:49:54 GMT -5
I am so glad to be going through my separation and subsequent divorce. It is one of the hardest things I have been through and this is my second kick at the ol' divorce can.  Seriously my sexless, dead marriage was a ball and chain. Its not easy navigating the waters but I know when its all over I will come out the other side and be fundamentally changed for the better. Keep to the path JonDoe you will be okay. |
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Post by baza on May 25, 2017 22:59:27 GMT -5
I've lived alone.
I've been in a dysfunctional marriage.
I've been divorced.
I've been in the relationship of my life.
Setting aside the relationship of my life, and the living solo, which I found to be greatly agreeable, the two sub-optimal scenario's remain.
Living in a dysfunctional marriage.
Getting divorced.
Neither was a real lot of fun.
However, the ongoing grind and pain of being in a dysfunctional marriage was unremitting and pretty much constant.
Divorce, whilst admittedly involved a short term spike on the pain graph, put an end to the unremitting and ongoing pain that the dysfunctional marriage caused me.
If I was rating it, with 10 being high pain and 0 being no pain, it would look like this.
Pain of living in a dysfunctional marriage = 7 ongoing indefinitely.
Pain in divorcing = 3 for a short time.
Total pain load of dysfunctional marriage (7) plus pain of divorce (3) = 10.
Immediately after divorce = 3 (down 7 points on the peak load)
Six months after divorce = 2 (down 8 points on the peak load)
12 months after divorce = 1 (down 9 points on the peak load)
5 years after divorce = occasional flashbacks to 1, but for the most part, 0.
The question here always comes back to the "short term pain for long term gain" argument.
Are you prepared to pay the short term price ?
Or are you prepared to keep paying the long term price ?
There is no *correct* answer to this.
There is only *your* answer to this.
Your choice.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 26, 2017 7:51:48 GMT -5
I've lived alone. I've been in a dysfunctional marriage. I've been divorced. I've been in the relationship of my life. Setting aside the relationship of my life, and the living solo, which I found to be greatly agreeable, the two sub-optimal scenario's remain. Living in a dysfunctional marriage. Getting divorced. Neither was a real lot of fun. However, the ongoing grind and pain of being in a dysfunctional marriage was unremitting and pretty much constant. Divorce, whilst admittedly involved a short term spike on the pain graph, put an end to the unremitting and ongoing pain that the dysfunctional marriage caused me. If I was rating it, with 10 being high pain and 0 being no pain, it would look like this. Pain of living in a dysfunctional marriage = 7 ongoing indefinitely. Pain in divorcing = 3 for a short time. Total pain load of dysfunctional marriage (7) plus pain of divorce (3) = 10. Immediately after divorce = 3 (down 7 points on the peak load) Six months after divorce = 2 (down 8 points on the peak load) 12 months after divorce = 1 (down 9 points on the peak load) 5 years after divorce = occasional flashbacks to 1, but for the most part, 0. The question here always comes back to the "short term pain for long term gain" argument. Are you prepared to pay the short term price ? Or are you prepared to keep paying the long term price ? There is no *correct* answer to this. There is only *your* answer to this. Your choice. This is powerful! I like it a lot. It really hits home! One tiny part of it I would like to expand on, for myself. Immediately after divorce = 3 (down 7 points on the peak load) Actually , it hasn't happened yet, but there is much fear of all the unknown. I will be the one moving, buying another home, dividing my things from the household, finding a new job, a new career, continuing my education, back to school, dating, I already changed churches, new doctors, new insurance, new budget, adding another vehicle, transportation for a different school district. My STBX changes none of these things. At most, I will be taking some of the furniture, and she will have to learn all the household responsibilities that I have been performing for 25 yrs. (she most likely will try to get the kids to do such things, or higher others to do all the maintenance). When I read all this I get motivated and feel justified to easily get a little more than my fair share when it comes to money. It's going to be a big adjustment. It feels more like a 10. |
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Post by iceman on May 26, 2017 8:04:10 GMT -5
If it makes you feel any better, I have what appears to be the most amicable divorce I've ever heard of and I am still experiencing many of the same things. This shit fucks with your head, fucks with her head, fucks with everyone's head. The veneer we kept on the marriage has been stripped and it shouldn't be surprising that the wood beneath has some serious cracks. My guess is that yours does too (mine does). How much longer is your process? Do what you can to speed it, and when you can't, avoid her. Divorce doesn't just suck, it feels like you're in a pinball machine... And you're the ball. Veneer. That's a very good description of what my is covering my marriage. We seldom get below the veneer of superficial niceness we display towards each other and when we do it's not pretty. I can only imagine what it will be like if/when it's completely stripped away. |
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Post by shamwow on May 26, 2017 8:08:41 GMT -5
If it makes you feel any better, I have what appears to be the most amicable divorce I've ever heard of and I am still experiencing many of the same things. This shit fucks with your head, fucks with her head, fucks with everyone's head. The veneer we kept on the marriage has been stripped and it shouldn't be surprising that the wood beneath has some serious cracks. My guess is that yours does too (mine does). How much longer is your process? Do what you can to speed it, and when you can't, avoid her. Divorce doesn't just suck, it feels like you're in a pinball machine... And you're the ball. Veneer. That's a very good description of what my is covering my marriage. We seldom get below the veneer of superficial niceness we display towards each other and when we do it's not pretty. I can only imagine what it will be like if/when it's completely stripped away. Cracks. Large cracks. And if you ever try to touch it? Splinters. |
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Post by iceman on May 26, 2017 8:15:25 GMT -5
My divorce from my first marriage was about as amicable as one could hope for when divorcing and it still sucked. The only good thing I can say about the process was that it was a very effective way to lose weight. I dropped 20 lbs without trying. The divorce weight loss program is the best!!  |
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Post by cagedtiger on May 26, 2017 10:15:34 GMT -5
Divorce would be a lot less painful if my wife wasn't still buried in her delusions.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 26, 2017 10:35:50 GMT -5
Divorce would be a lot less painful if my wife wasn't still buried in her delusions. True, my friend, true. However you are well due a time of self growth. Her delusions are no longer your problem. " " " " " " concern. Once these delusions, manipulative controlling actions and comments, DARVO re-occour, I have to set boundaries, defend myself ,put up my guard, again, and again. Mostly by being forceful and rude. Yea, I don't like it....it's not my nature. It really wears you down.....precisely what they want. My STBX says, "you interrupted me". I finally said, "yea... and you need to be interrupted, often! You twist and manipulate my words, and you need to show respect, and be held accountable!" She doesn't like that!! ( I should have done this 20 yrs ago) I have to stay, "STOP!!.....back up! I asked you a question, I made a statement, you are changing the subject, you are not going to answer it. I will make it simple. It was a yes or no type question. I will answer it for you. No, you do not mean this, NO ,you do not do this. Yes, you said this, yes you said that. NO, you did not consider, or listen to anyone else. Yes ,you put your self on a pedestal, you think your queen/king! Look what it's gotten you! No one wants to be around you anymore, including me!" You will most likely receive the silent treatment. They aren't used to being confronted, embarrassed, proven wrong, knocked off their pedestal, and put on a level playing field. In their mind, they are probably thinking of the next victim. Take comfort that it will no longer be you. No longer your problem, or concern. The healing has begun. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 26, 2017 10:36:26 GMT -5
Divorce SUCKS - no way around it.
I too am going thru the 2nd time and it is pretty bad. I miss my children every day all day. I miss my old life.
I quickly forget how bad I wanted out and my "selective memory" kicks in to over drive.
I don't feel as bad as I did when I was towards the end of my marriage the past years - but I got so used to it, it felt "normal".
Next life maybe I will opt for Monk career.
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Seriously my sexless, dead marriage was a ball and chain. Its not easy navigating the waters but I know when its all over I will come out the other side and be fundamentally changed for the better. Keep to the path JonDoe you will be okay.
