Hello

Oh Caris, my heart is sad for your loss. When we cut the ties to a marriage we grieve the loss of it, and the person we once loved, whose physical presence, their personhood, is still "there." Somebody we can still reach out to, who, generally, knows us quite well. Even if they fell short when it comes to our needs, they matter, there's a significant hostory

When somebody we care(d) about dies, it feels like they become intangible. A different sort of grief, in my experience. Something you can't quite grasp for any longer. It's difficult. And frustrating. And deeply sad. ((I lost a friend 12 years ago; miss her everyday. Maybe not the same as losing a (former) partner, but she and I had a unique, intimate friendship.))

Sending you wishes for peace and healing as you navigate through this.

Hi Caris.  I'm not on the boards much anymore, but I remember your name from about a year ago when I was online a lot trying to figure out my own SM.  Your post touched me and I wanted to reach out and tell you how sorry I am for your loss.  It is definitely a loss regardless of the divorce, and I can only imagine the conflicting emotions you must be feeling now.

I won't presume to speak to your exact situation or emotions, but I know that I've long expected an apology from my husband, however unrealistic that is given his lack of awareness of the situation or the hurt he's caused.  But if he were to pass, any hope of an apology and some kind of resolution over what happened would be lost.  I most likely will never get an apology anyway.  But the hope is there and that hope would be lost forever if he passed.  That's a death in itself, the death of hope.

Even once I divorce, I will always have a place in my heart for my husband and the years we spent together.  I wouldn't be human if I didn't.  You're a human.  You have a soft and loving heart.  That's the kind of heart that gets hurt.  But that's the kind of heart that loves and has great capacity to love.  It's the two sides of the coin, the love and the hurt.  You have both and it's a beautiful thing.  Even if it hurts. 

I don't want to be trite, but being able to hurt like this is a gift.  You'll wade through it and come out the other side, ready to love again.  Like @creelunion said, someone out there needs you.  Someone out there is waiting for your sensitive heart.  Maybe it's a friend, a child, a family member, a love interest, maybe it's a cause, a higher purpose.  Whoever or whatever it is, the world needs more hearts like yours.

Please take care of yourself.  I don't know your situation, but maybe a support group could help, one for grieving, or perhaps a counselor.  We're here for you too.  Hugs.

-Elle

Caris,

Especially for those of us who were married for multiple decades, even after a divorce, our ex husband / wife will still be woven into our lives. I'm sorry for your loss, and it is natural to grieve for someone you spent that much time of your life with. He was your spouse and father of your children. I know it's cliche, but as long as memories of him live with you and the children, a part of him will live on as well. Even though you were hurt enough to leave your SM, it doesn't mean you stopped caring, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

From what it sounds like, you don't have a lot of close friends / family nearby. If that's the case, have you considered a grief counselor? Talking with someone face-to-face might help bring you peace.