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Post by shamwow on Aug 16, 2017 16:11:13 GMT -5
T-Plus-35: Divorce Finalized T-Minus-8: Shammy's lady comes to visit him flying economy (fancy, huh) So I visited my lady this past weekend. As expected, it was an amazing time. I probably didn't need the boner pills this time, but honestly, they are one hell of a lot of fun. However, the pills did keep things going for hours and hours on end. So, I will be refilling that particular prescription. We had a great time both in and out of bed. Saturday morning, she had a work function, so I went to the beach and spent quite a bit of time gathering broken seashells and pretty rocks. I even caught some sun and froze my ass off in the 68 degree Pacific ocean (can you say shrinkage). When she was done with her work function, she picked me up from the beach (I got some decent sun). We floated ideas of what to do, and the preferred answer seemed to be "each other" so we went back to her place. After a little while, I decided that her divorce seemed to have left her a bit anxious. So butt ass naked, we went online and got her a medical marijuana card. Now, look. I know what you may be thinking. Sham...you've got a drinking problem. You're going to AA. What the hell are you doing with weed? My reply is pretty simple. I have a problem with alcohol. I don't have any kind of problem with pot. Never have (even though I have only smoked out maybe a half dozen times in my life). So we ordered about 800mg of THC worth of edibles. I've got to say one thing about California. They got the whole weed delivery thing down pat. Our "desert" got there way before our Chinese food order and they got it 100% right (unlike the Chinese food). Oh, and the delivery guy was really nice (he is a stoner...duh). He advised us to go slow. We started with a quarter brownie each (about 50mg). Holy fuck. I've smoked before, but this got us so high we couldn't finish a single sentence. I got the spins so bad I actually threw up my Chinese food. Needless to say, we took a nap. By the wee hours of the morning we were OK again (for all sorts of activities), but wow! I'm a lightweight I'm sure, but that shit is strong. We have enough to last us kinda forever, and next time we are going to start WAY slower. On Sunday, we did manage to drag ourselves out of bed for lunch at a nice outdoor Mexican restaurant. The previous day, I had collected shells and stones from the ocean and we got some matching potted plants (succliants) and we scattered these shells around the inside of the pot. It was my housewarming gift to her and I brought the matching one to bring back to my house. We went to a nice dinner at an seaside restaurant on Sunday evening and had a quick walk on the now-chilly beach. We went back to the house and found yet more ways to entertain each other. I got to the airport just in time for my flight Monday morning. She had the day off because of the event she worked. Tuesday morning, I got a text from her. The full-time position in charge of giving at a Catholic high school that she just started last week? Well, they fired her. Now, I need to back up a little bit here. Her old job was working at a Catholic middle school at the same place as her husband was the principal. Because the school was afraid of the "scandal" and potential drama of a divorce (ye gads!), she was basically run off. Well, either that or her husband would be fired. But one of them needed to go. The problem is that she needed him and his income for child support and spousal support. So she left and found a full time position that paid great doing something she loved. Well, after first week on the job? She was at an event Friday night where third parties report back everyone was just gushing about how great she was. Sometime over the weekend, the whole divorce thing must have bubbled up to the higher-ups. Apparently they didn't want the headache / scandal / potential drama of someone getting divorced in their midst (ye gads!). So it came down on Tuesday that she was fired. Her direct supervisor couldn't even make eye contact during the exit interview. So now that she has finally moved out and has her own place? Now that she is getting on her own feet? She now has no job. Our little joke right now is that she needs to get away from the Catholics. But joking aside, it is probably a good idea (from an occupational perspective that is). Having been burned twice in as many months, it might be a good idea to avoid trying her luck on a third attempt. It's too bad that these loving Christians can't remember John 8:7 (sorry about the sarcasm, but I'm a bit pissed about this right now). It's so much easier to just run her off the job. Oh, sure, she will get a week's pay and they won't contest unemployment (shouldn't they if she was being fired for cause?). Essentially, this was politics. Nasty, brutish, and totally in character with the longest-standing still-functioning political entity on the planet. Now this is a pretty enormous pain in the ass, but in the long run, I kind of feel it may be a blessing in disguise. If you are working for folks who would pull this kind of shit, you are working at the whim of a bunch of assholes. I don't have any problem with Catholics (I was born one), but any organization that pulls this kind of crap (let's not even get into their policy of shuffling around child molesters from parish to parish to avoid dealing with it) is simply not worth working for IMHO. So today? My lady is going through options, getting her search in gear, and we will take it from there. I've got some ideas and will help her as much as I can. ballofconfusion - You. Got. This. Onto our next visit... Thanks to the miracle of www.skyscanner.com, we have already booked our next trip. Basically, we are only 8 days out (our next weekend where neither of us have the kids). The flight is so cheap ($111 non stop round trip between Socal and Houston) that I'm not going to even bother with frequent flyer miles. Hell, that's the price of a decent dinner and a movie nowadays. Shit, I've run up bar tabs dining by myself for more than that. I haven't talked much about my lady's situation thus far. But our stories are now intertwined. I saved her and she saved me. You will probably hear more of hers through me. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 21, 2017 9:07:56 GMT -5
T-Plus-40: Divorce Finalized There have been a number of posts recently about pain over shredding the family. This has been hitting me hard recently as well, but rather than reply to those threads, I want to put it in context with my own story. I've been in my new place a little over a month and a half now. All of the "inside" stuff has been unpacked (I will get to unpacking "garage" things like tools when it is less than 98 degrees outside). Yesterday, I unpacked a box labeled "documents". Like many others here, I found old "kid" drawings, bringing back a wave of memories of happier times. When I found those, I stopped what I was doing. I sat down. I asked myself what the hell had I done. I openly questioned if I had done what I had done for purely selfish reasons. Have I damaged my kids for my selfishness? And the hamster wheel in my head spun like that for over an hour. But upon reflection, those drawings were from almost a decade ago. They reflected a time when my marriage was still crappy, but livable. Divorce or not, the time of "I love you Daddy" has passed. Today, the kids are 16 and 13. The time we spend together is different. Hell, my daughter does half the driving on our trips now. My son still can't beat me at pool, but on the XBox? I'm toast (although I still outshoot him by a little bit on the gun range). And at my kid's ages, they are more self-absorbed in their own lives than concerned about my feelings or even the feelings of the "family". From a "newly divorced Dad" perspective, the past few weeks have been really rough. I only see the kids every other weekend (I also have them every Thursday night). Two weekends ago, it was my ex-wife's turn. This past week was my turn, but every year her family rents a huge beach house and everyone has a great time. We had previously agreed that she could have the kids that weekend. We will do some swaps to make things up, but it really is a fun weekend we've done as a family for a decade now. And next weekend? It's her turn again. Basically, I will go from August 11th through September 1 and only have them for 3 nights. Ouch. It really helps me that my lady, ballofconfusion, has kids a bit older than mine. Without her perspective, I'd be thinking I'm "losing" my kids even though all that is happening is the natural breaking away that teens do. If I had a spouse still, we would be able to talk about this and realize that it is just teens being teens. Isolated and trying to parent the kids myself when I have them tends to magnify the idea that every struggle is a result of the divorce. That simply is not true. The divorce affects them, sure, but it is not the end-all, be-all, soul-crushing drama to them that it is for me. Since my ex and I are getting along, it is mainly just a bit annoying they have to switch houses to spend the night. However as the fall school semester comes in, they will have various activities. One of the things I did yesterday is "layer" all of the interlocking calendars into my Google calendar. As I did this, I realized that even though they aren't spending the night at my place, I will be able to see one or both of them every night of the week. Whether it is my daughter's cheer or my son's baseball / football schedule, if I want to make the effort, I can be just as involved as I ever was. And I am sure as hell going to make the effort. The time of "I love you Daddy" drawings is past. The memories of those times will live with me forever. But the kids themselves are growing up. In less than 2 years, my daughter will be college-aged. My job right now is to be a "coach" for them, helping guide them in the direction I think they should go. But in the end, their path will be their own. This sometimes feels like a slow-motion empty-nester transition. Divorce or not, I've only got a few years left with them in the parent-child phase of our relationship. During that time, if I am wise, I will establish the roots for a strong next phase. And life goes on... |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 22, 2017 10:21:14 GMT -5
T-Plus-41: Divorce Finalized From a text conversation yesterday between my daughter and I: Me: (Picture texted to her performing at a high school pep rally - cheerleader) Me: You guys looked great Daughter: I didn't even know you were here Daughter: but thank you Me: Wouldn't miss it sweetie  Daughter: thank youuuu !! Teens don't communicate well, but you have no idea how conversations like this make me feel relieved that my kids still love me. They do. I know that. Divorce or not. But reassurance from time to time is good. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2017 11:30:35 GMT -5
Teens don't communicate well, but you have no idea how conversations like this make me feel relieved that my kids still love me. They do. I know that. Divorce or not. But reassurance from time to time is good. Yes, it is very nice to be reassured that kids don't hate you. |
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T-Minus
Aug 22, 2017 11:35:42 GMT -5
Post by shamwow on Aug 22, 2017 11:35:42 GMT -5
Teens don't communicate well, but you have no idea how conversations like this make me feel relieved that my kids still love me. They do. I know that. Divorce or not. But reassurance from time to time is good. Yes, it is very nice to be reassured that kids don't hate you. Ha! ^^^^^^^^^ Understatement of the Day ^^^^^^^^^^  |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 22, 2017 12:00:23 GMT -5
T-Plus-41: Divorce Finalized From a text conversation yesterday between my daughter and I: Me: (Picture texted to her performing at a high school pep rally - cheerleader) Me: You guys looked great Daughter: I didn't even know you were here Daughter: but thank you Me: Wouldn't miss it sweetie Daughter: thank youuuu !! Teens don't communicate well, but you have no idea how conversations like this make me feel relieved that my kids still love me. They do. I know that. Divorce or not. But reassurance from time to time is good. "Being there" is everything. Way to go. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 23, 2017 9:27:33 GMT -5
T-Plus-42: Divorce Finalized
So last night, my middle school son's school had a kickoff event where students can come in, get their schedules, locker assignments, buy spirit stuff, join clubs, etc...
It was supposed to start at 6PM. I got there 6:03 (traffic and work emergency delayed me).
We had previously discussed getting all the information together, and she didn't have a problem with it. I texted her as soon as I got there. She said OK. I asked where she was at so I could meet up, and she said "upstairs". It is a 2000 kid middle school with 3 floors, so this wasn't exactly helpful. I asked where upstairs and got crickets. I wandered around the upper floors for 15 minutes trying to locate them via trial and error.
Fortunately, my daughter was with them, and like any 16 year old, has a direct connection between her phone and her brain. I gave her a call and found her very quickly. As I met up with the family, the ex looked surprised to see me. I turns out she had already gotten the schedule, locker, and was in the final step of getting some study materials for my son. Within 5 minutes the entire thing was completed. Without any additional fanfare, she led the kids out the front door of the school, nary a word spoken to me.
As they started to walk off, I said goodbye to the kids. My ex stops my son and says that he should say goodbye to me (she needed to look like a good guy). I gave each of the kids a hug, and they walked off. Without anything left to do, I started to walk to my car on the other side of the school. After about 50 feet, I slowed. Then I stopped. Then I began to think "this is complete bullshit". I am my kid's father. I am leaving empty-handed. I don't know my son's schedule. I don't know who his teachers are. What the fuck? My wife does have more than a bit of the golden uterus syndrome. I donated my sperm, and really don't have anything to contribute to the actual raising of the kids (other than money...lots of money). Uh huh...
So I turned around. I walked back into the cafeteria and found an assistant principal. I explained that my ex-wife and I had recently gone through a divorce. She had previously handled most of the school matters, but I would like to be more involved. Could I get a copy of my son's schedule? She sent me to where the counselors were stationed in the gym. Typically, they only print out one copy per family, but the counselor was able to pull it up on screen and I took a picture with my phone. Schedule. Check. One step at a time.
I confirmed what I had already researched about bus schedules and online access to homework assignments, grades, etc. I asked about the best way to stay informed (social media...yuck...but I'll do it). I then asked them to treat me like a new 6th grade parent (even though my son is in the 8th) who doesn't know anything yet, and they gave me a brief orientation talk. Granted, my son is my second child to go through the school (I've been up there a couple dozen times), it did fill in a few gaps. They suggested I get a packet for new 6th grade parents. I did go downstairs and got it.
The irritating thing for me was that they told me that some of my "status" may depend upon what the divorce decree said. The reason it was irritating was because it would seem to me that the assumption that a father who wants to stay involved with his kids should not have to prove he still has that right. If there are restrictions, it should be upon the mother to bring these up to the school, not treat the father of the kids as though he were a suspect. I definitely felt...tainted by divorce. Not ashamed, but that others felt I was somehow contagious. I did wonder if my ex-wife would have gotten the same treatment.
My son has his open house in a couple weeks. It is an opportunity to meet the teachers and such. It also happens to be on MY night. I will be making sure that the kids will be at my house. We will go up there together, and I will invite my ex to accompany us if she wishes to. She needs to understand that having a vagina conveys no special gifts or abilities that make her the "superior parent". In many ways, I do a far better job at actually raising the kids to be the adults they will someday be.
Look, she has primary custodial rights. That means they sleep at her house a little more than mine. But we have co-equal rights on both school and medical decisions. This seems like a good time to educate her on the definition of co-equal. It no longer means her way or the highway. And she ain't gonna like it. Tough shit. It appears that my EX is in need of some schooling.
I don't need my ex-wife to spoon feed me the information. I am a co-parent. Not a junior partner. It is my RIGHT and, more importantly, my RESPONSIBILITY to participate in my son's education. In the past, I would have let this chew me up on the inside for days or even weeks. Now, I left the school, a packet of papers in hand, a spring in my step, and a smile on my face.
The further I distance myself from my ex, the clearer things become.
And everything is going to be OK...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2017 9:51:46 GMT -5
My son has his open house in a couple weeks. It is an opportunity to meet the teachers and such. It also happens to be on MY night. I will be making sure that the kids will be at my house. We will go up there together, and I will invite my ex to accompany us if she wishes to. She needs to understand that having a vagina conveys no special gifts or abilities that make her the "superior parent". In many ways, I do a far better job at actually raising the kids to be the adults they will someday be. Keep a copy of the divorce decree on your phone so you can show it to the asshole principal or teacher. Unfortunately, they have no idea what to do & you may have to show them. I like your idea of telling your Ex that she is welcome to come to open house with you. No, her pussy doesn't make her a better parent than you. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 23, 2017 9:53:51 GMT -5
It makes me so angry that dads have to do that stuff. You are handling it great, though. Way to go!
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 23, 2017 10:17:08 GMT -5
I am going through much of the same thing. After a decade of playing second fiddle to my STBX's home school demands, the teens are now in public school. (middle, H.S. and duel enrollment) Last night was open house for one of our kids. I had another meeting that night, my wife didn't even go, she stayed home. This is our child's first time at this school, and first time ever being enrolled in a public school for the full year. You would think Ms. "knows more about education than the whole world combined" would make an effort to be therefor open house. I will be going to my other two teens open house for H.S. tomorrow. The bad part is when you have more than one student enrolled in the same school your SOL. This is where Ms. GU could be helpful....but,,, Nooo public school was not HER WAY! These are more and more reasons why I begin to think full custody is not a bad idea ( I digress, for now) Something I have been sure to get done before the divorce, is to be the more active parent during their public school education. Especially the mailing address, emails, phone numbers, getting my name on every paper, personally meeting all the teachers, and staff. Sadly my W. misses out on opportunities to build lasting memories of being there for support and bonding with our teens . Me? I take advantage of the opportunity. Starting new schools is a scary endeavor! Plus.... What better time to get a look at all the women in your town who are close to your age? Let them see you as well and let the word spread about being single! There's going to be times for boundaries. When I tell my ex sternly "you need to pick them up, you need to take them to the doctor, you need to deliver the forms, you need to deliver the forgotten back pack, you need to meet with the councilor, you need to pay for all of it. End of discussion. " Along with times of" I will be at the meeting too. I will speak to his teacher privately, I will decide when, how, and if they go at all." Yes things are going to be different. She will have to get used to it. As much as I would like zero contact ever again, this is where parallel parenting will have to be enforced and used to my advantage. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 23, 2017 13:53:15 GMT -5
My son has his open house in a couple weeks. It is an opportunity to meet the teachers and such. It also happens to be on MY night. I will be making sure that the kids will be at my house. We will go up there together, and I will invite my ex to accompany us if she wishes to. She needs to understand that having a vagina conveys no special gifts or abilities that make her the "superior parent". In many ways, I do a far better job at actually raising the kids to be the adults they will someday be. Keep a copy of the divorce decree on your phone so you can show it to the asshole principal or teacher. Unfortunately, they have no idea what to do & you may have to show them. I like your idea of telling your Ex that she is welcome to come to open house with you. No, her pussy doesn't make her a better parent than you. I've already got a copy of the papers on my phone for general reasons. I've had to consult back on it a couple times already to refresh my mind on certain conditions. Nothing major, but I wanted to know what it said as I was working up an easier-to-read possession calendar. I may want to split out some of the sections of the divorce decree out from the main document, though, if they want me to send it to them. They don't need to know my money situation or child support, or who has the kids over Spring Break. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 23, 2017 13:58:15 GMT -5
One other quick point...
During the marriage, my ex was able to give me whiplash going back and forth on a variety of issues. During the divorce, I had a few carrots that were also sticks I used with her to gain compliance and keep things moving in an amicable manner. Now, I have the divorce decree in black and white. Having that document has helped on several occasions already, and the situation is a far cry from when she actually could play games with my head. Now? Not so much.
So I will try to get along with her. She says she will try to get along with me. But in the end, there are rules set up in the decree, and those rules allow me to pretty much say "no" when she crosses the line. Normally I hate lawyers, but in this case, those rules are a lifesaver.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 23, 2017 14:27:44 GMT -5
My wife's school has gond burned with some of the divorce issues where one of the previous biological parents was to have ZERO contact with children.
I would suggest printing a copy of the divorce decree and having it added to each of the kids files. Also, try and get the emergency contact form and have both you and the ex contacted the same time. And send direct emails to each of his teachers spelling our the divorce and you are to be treated equal and want to be CCed on any emails.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2017 14:38:44 GMT -5
Normally I hate lawyers, but in this case, those rules are a lifesaver. Let me tell you, that divorce decree should be in your possession at all times. Since your W thinks she is a golden uterus, she will be wanting to push you around when it comes to the kids. I agree that the school needs a copy of the decree in each kid's file. Don't worry about the amount of child support, they don't care. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 2, 2017 12:51:24 GMT -5
T-Plus-52: Divorce Finalized As you may or may not know, I'm from Houston. Last weekend, Hurricane Harvey came to visit and pretty much trashed the place. Personally, my house was spared any damage. My parents? My sister? Likewise. All, in all, I got through the storm really well. As it turned out, ballofconfusion was in town when the storm hit and we had to punch through a rain band in the hurricane to make it to Dallas to get her home on an alternate flight. The plus side is that we managed to stay at a couple hotels (including one that was decorated like it came out of Goodfellows), and had a great time together. I wasn't able to get back to the city (even though I live on the extreme outskirts) until Tuesday evening. Between several conversations with people along the route, I determined I could get home. There were still a few spots of high water, but I made it back without any major issues. I worked from home on Wednesday and was able to get into the office on Thursday. As it turns out, about 10 percent of the employees in our company were severely affected by the flooding. Several lost their homes. I am a single man. I live in a 3800 square foot home with two fully furnished bedrooms and an empty bedroom with an aerobed I know is comfortable (I slept on it for months in the last stages of my SM). I got in touch with one of my co-workers who had lost everything (house, cars, possessions). He has a wife and 3 boys (ages 3, 8, 11). I have decided to take them in until they can get back on their feet. It is likely given that pretty much every apartment in Houston is now full, this could take several months. Only a few people at work know I am doing this, and I have asked those who do know to stay quiet. I'm not looking for credit. I'm looking to do the right thing. Why do I mention it here? None of you actually know me in real life. It's not the same. One of the reasons I got my divorce was to have the opportunity to place my mark on my children. Someone dear to me recently taught me to make decisions based upon core principles. One of those core principles is to help others when you can. 17 years ago, my ex-wife's best friend went through a divorce. She had a one year old son at the time. Even during that time, it was me that offered her friend a place to stay while she got on her feet. She stayed with us for several months and it was the right thing. But the point is that the desire to help does not really exist in my ex-wife. That doesn't make her a bad person. It just means she isn't one to help. But I am a different person. I am a good man. I see people in trouble. I want to help. Well, now? I have the ability to help and nobody can stop me. So this family will move in with me. That is the sacrifice I am making. My kids will sacrifice their rooms when they stay with me. They will be comfortable. They will have couches and air mattresses available. And more importantly, they will learn the lesson that when you have something and someone else has nothing? You share. It is a lesson that they should have been taught years ago, and one that I am only able to really teach now without interference. On another note, ballofconfusion and I have visited 3 times. We've already booked our next 3 trips. The next two trips are in September, and I'll be visiting her for both. I think that makes sense since a family with 3 kids hanging out with us might cramp our style. On a final note. If you do feel so inclined, there are a number of organizations helping people in the Houston area. The company I work with is partnered with West Houston Assistance Ministries (http://whamministries.org). Their food stores are running low and their shelves are running bare. A gift there really would make a difference. |
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