|
|
Post by thefullmoon on May 22, 2017 15:34:51 GMT -5
I stay because a divorce will not bring me any benefits at all ( I had one already),but will create a lot of problems...
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 22, 2017 19:42:14 GMT -5
Further point -
There is nothing *wrong* with choosing to stay.
It is every bit as valid a choice as cheating or leaving.
But, the choice to stay (just like the choice to cheat, or to leave) needs to be a fully informed choice having objectively checked out ALL 3 options.
And then (just like the cheat or the leave option) you have to take ownership of your choice and live it, and accept the consequences of your choice.
The responsibility for your choice (whatever that choice might be) is on you.
No-one else. Not your spouse, not your kids.
You.
And so back to the start we go.
It is up to you to bring the best possible version of *you* to the choosing table.
It is up to *you* to fully research the 3 options objectively and dispassionately.
It is up to you to choose.
Important.
If you do NOT choose, or will not choose, then the default choice (staying) applies. Just as surely as if you had deliberately chosen it.
And the consequences of that non choice will apply to you just as surely as if you had deliberately chosen it.
Choice is a bitch.
And no-one gets a pass on it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on May 23, 2017 11:05:47 GMT -5
I stayed for a few reasons.
I had gotten into a loop in which I had defined my suitability by what I perceived as an uncommon level of emotional durability and relentless creativity and practicality in solving problems. At some point, I would surely bend far enough that she would see that I was the only man on the planet who would do that to be with her. And then she would desire me because I was worthy. I had a smidge of skepticism with that - enough to keep me engaged in the science of it, observing and tracking the results of different approaches.
I stayed because of sunk cost fallacy, after a point. In for a penny, in for a pound. I convinced myself that if I didn't have a romantic relationship with her, I didn't have anything to lose. (I was very wrong - I lost my esteem).
I stayed because I thought if my own wife didn't want me, then certainly nobody else ever would. I figured my best chance was with her.
I stayed because I figured I thought I had MOST of the things that appeared in a marriage. It wasn't until I came to the realization that I lacked some things that DEFINED the marriage for me. Once I was able to conceive of what an ex-wife/co-parent might be or feel like, I was not able to distinguish the marriage itself from that. I questioned what marriage brought to the table.
I stayed because I feared the unknown - her reaction and how it all might cascade in a chain reaction into some disaster in the future.
I didn't want to be the first in my family to get a divorce.
I dreaded the moment of telling our kids. But I did tell them and we are on the other side of that now.
I stayed because I kept up hope that she would change her mind about me. I had a notion of "restoring" desire, as if the default state for her was wanting me, and it would bounce back if I recreated whatever recipe sparked her interest. Not only was that impossible, it still wouldn't work - desire doesn't work like that.
At some point, I was able to move the locus of my hope from a fantasy of a future, and look instead at the trajectory of past and present and take stock at the amount of effort taken to move the needle, and the sad results.
I realized I literally wouldn't go on a second or third date with her, let alone get married. That much was true, and I committed to that truth and whatever would follow it. Tired of lying to myself and to everyone around me.
|
|
|
|
Post by Chatter Fox on May 23, 2017 11:40:19 GMT -5
Long story short? I choose to stay because I am not thoroughly convinced that the grass would be greener on the other side of the fence given my specific circumstances. Granted, it's gotten somewhat green on this side of the fence after years of work. So thats been absolutely pivotal in my decision to stay.
|
|
lostheart
Junior Member
Posts: 22 
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by lostheart on May 23, 2017 14:54:10 GMT -5
I stay because if not a lover I would still lose a very good friend of mine and someone who shares many years of common memories.
I stay because I haven't been able to sort out financial issues
I stay because I am afraid I may find not another partner who has equally positive characteristics in other but sexual aspects
I stay because to be honest I am afraid to feel lonely (though ironically I also feel kind of lonely in the relationship)
|
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on May 23, 2017 16:55:01 GMT -5
I stayed because I thought I was a grown up and I was going to fix things
I stayed because I felt obliged to
I stayed to support my wife through illness and deaths in her family
I stayed because there was a child to support (in lots of ways not just financial)
I stayed because I was afraid to leave
I stayed because I thought I would be homeless
I stayed because I was afraid of being poor
I stayed because I felt worthless as a partner and couldn't see anyone else ever being interested
I left because I realised that things couldn't be fixed
I left because I realised that the sex was about control and I didn't want to be controlled
I left because my child is an adult (ironically he will be living with me)
I left when I stopped being afraid
I left when I realised that other women liked me and thought I was attractive
I left when I was no longer fearful about being poor, homeless, alone etc
Once that spell was broken it was only a matter of when, not if
|
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on May 23, 2017 17:45:16 GMT -5
I was going to get an annulment shortly after marriage, but then I got pregnant.
And I stayed because he didn't reject me THAT much in the beginning.
After the rejections increased, and he denied it, calling me a liar. I stayed for the children.
Then I stayed to block his influence over the kids because he became an extremist.
He's not an extremist anymore, but still so religious and yet abusively a hypocrite.
I stay because he won't let me have the kids. Because he's good at mindgames and theres only so many wars I can fight at the same time.
I have no intention of staying married until death, (mine at least) but I stay for now for the kids, the kids safety, etc.
|
|
|
|
Post by JonDoe on May 23, 2017 18:24:51 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by csl on May 24, 2017 6:54:52 GMT -5
If your choice is Devil #1 or Devil #2, it's time to find some other choices. Jes' sayin'.
|
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on May 24, 2017 7:48:01 GMT -5
I stay because I love her and she loves me.
|
|
|
|
Post by novembercomingfire on May 24, 2017 8:20:11 GMT -5
I stay because i feel like it is too late for me to find anything better, and i fear that i don't deserve anything better anyway.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on May 24, 2017 8:34:54 GMT -5
I stayed because I figured I thought I had MOST of the things that appeared in a marriage. It wasn't until I came to the realization that I lacked some things that DEFINED the marriage for me. Once I was able to conceive of what an ex-wife/co-parent might be or feel like, I was not able to distinguish the marriage itself from that. I questioned what marriage brought to the table.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ For me, this was the general turning point. The specific turning point will, of course, vary from experience to experience. But I think that this is a necessary first step in a very, very long road. Once you cross the "roommate" boundary, it is like the event horizon of a black hole...impossible to come back from without first being torn to bits. |
|
|
|
Post by Dan on May 24, 2017 9:47:28 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 24, 2017 10:16:56 GMT -5
I feel like this is a dumb question but why do we stay... really why? i wanted to say, "there are no dumb questions". In fact the "why" question probably scores No. 1 around here!! Then I googled it to get a better definition. I'm not a very good "words "person, then I found this: Hope you enjoy it and it helps your day! |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 27, 2017 10:10:36 GMT -5
* Change is hard. Staying is the default action. "Stiction", or inertia.
* Change is painful. It takes a lot (or a defining event) to push someone past the pain threshold.
* Change is scary. What we have is familiar, known. What we might gain is unknown. What if this is as good as we'll ever have it? What if we don't deserve better?
* Change requires sacrifice. We'll lose our material comforts. A nice combined income, a comfortable retirement, the home / cars / boat / toys, or simply the ability to keep a roof over our head.
* Change is far-reaching. It goes way beyond the bedroom - to our children, families, friends, even work.
* Change is "wrong". Many of us have been raised to believe that marriage is an unbreakable, sacred commitment, and that we have an obligation to make it work regardless of the circumstances.
The reasons for staying are many. Most of us would pick several from the list and probably add a few more.
DC
|
|
