Why do we stay?

Trashed self esteem and fear.

A deadly combination.

Many of the fears reside mainly in our heads rather than reality.
Most of the fears can be managed by the average Joe / Joette given adequate planning and resolve.

Which is all very well, but if your self esteem is deeply in the shit, the simplest things can be overwhelming.
And under those conditions, the fear will get you every time.

You didn't ask this Sister @sweetplumaria but the way forward lies with oneself.
Resurrecting ones' self esteem.
Bringing the best possible version of *you* to the fore.
Sorting out your own shit.
Then challenging your fears and developing strategies to work through them.

And you do not need to be superman / woman to undertake and succeed at the job.
The average Joe / Joette is quite capable of doing what is needed.
It ain't brain surgery.
*Anyone* who can bring a reasonably intact self esteem to the table is capable.

I stayed because I thought that my marriage was otherwise good (i did not recognize how selfish and incompatible my husband was in other ways), and I thought that leaving because of lack of sex would be a trivial reason. After I began talking to others about my marriage, I learned that people I liked and respected thought that sex was important, and even in old age, they were having fulfilling sexual relations.

I also stayed because I literally thought I'd be destitute (i.e. homeless and living on the street) if I left the marriage. When I learned from a lawyer friend that I live in a community property state -- and learned what that meant -- that knowledge gave me the confidence to leave.

I stayed married for more than 30 years despite years of no sex because unlike the people here, I didn't have the benefit of the sites like ILIASM and the old SM part of Experience Project, a place I didn't find until I had exited my marriage. People here are so lucky that they have such wisdom and support at their fingertips. I didn't connect with others who were in SMs until after my divorce.

I stay because I am still trying.
We haven't lost all our hope yet. He still talks to me about it, we still snuggle and kiss. We still talk about our future together and plan our retirement.
I stay because I am in school, working towards my dream, and if I were to be on my own right now I would have to walk away from it all.

I stay because he is the father of my child and she still sees loving parents (towards her and each other).


It also helps that I still think he is crazy sexy.

I was married 23 years, all sexless, the last 13 - celibate.
The first half I stayed because I loved him and believed his excuses.
I also was of the mindset if my own husband doesn't want me who would?
The second half I had children by means of infertility help and no raise for 7 years, I was stuck.
In 2013 I registered on EP and I was very enlightened to my situation. I also learned a lot about myself, focused on myself and improved my mental and emotional health which was a mess.
In 2015 the opportunity arose to get out and I took advantage of whatever resources I had to make that happen.
I've been out a year and 2016 was a very happy year for me!

At first, because I still loved him, I thought "all was great bar the sex," and I thought we could get back the good relationship we used to have.

Later, because I thought if my own man didn't want me, nobody would; and that nobody would ever want me.

Now I'm out, and I know for sure that guys I'm not really into will want me, ha ha.

All the "obvious" reasons as stated and then for some after long hard thinking maybe you're just programmed to stay for many other reasons. For me it took some time to grasp but in the end its partly ego and partly not quitting at something. Ego because by trade in pretty much with anything in my entire career I've been the fixer whether its cars/houses/machines/teams/etc. and one night it just clicked in the sense that I think that I've always been accustomed to think that I can just fix this. The never give up attitude I'd say most of us are raised with that and for me again one night upon reflection I came to realize that I've put myself into some very hard situations by never giving up on a battle (some of which has effected our relationship) and have always never been afraid of any challenge and haven't failed on any of them yet. So with this I think that I've now kind of pushed myself more towards to crossing that fence that maybe there just is that other side and need to learn to accept the differences of that... Stay tuned as I've just started down that path and found this forum recently and again have to say its been VERY helpful in helping sort out my thoughts/feelings...

Early on: I stayed because I thought the marital sex life was fixable.  It is an occupational hazard of being an engineer: you figure if you THINK about it long enough and TINKER with it enough you can figure out SOME sort of solution.  Not only did I try every bacon-scented candle in the box (long before I came to know the term on EP ILIASM), but I think I even invented a few new ones as I improvised.  So, anyway, there was 20 years of hope and trying, pretty much down the tubes.

Segue to the next few years: I stayed because outsourcing kept me suitably distracted.  (Borrowing from TDM's following post!)  Actually, early on, I viewed outsourcing as HELPING my marriage: you protect a boiler by putting a pressure relief valve it in.  Outsourcing a job my wife was not interested in seemed -- for a while -- to kinda make things not only more livable for me... but I honestly felt it was more livable for her, too.

Then a slow transition to the admission that is is REALLY not fixable, and I'd be better off ending the marriage.  In those recent years, I have stayed out of:
- "habit" (I plan to write about this soon);
- because I want to still be physically under the same roof as my kids for their remaining years at home and slightly prefer for them to be with their mother too;
- a sense of "duty" to her (wedding vows and such) even if I'm no longer in love with her.

On the "duty" thing: I think refused spouses stay "refused" for so long is their sense of giving: "it must be me"; "I'll just try harder".  I think we are -- generally speaking -- pleasers.  I think we are generous to a fault; possibly generous to the point of our own demise.

Another reason I'm still here: I'm totally daunted by the amount of work that I feel a divorce will be.   Yes, there is the legal side of things, but cleaning out/spliting up the household will be a lot of work just because we have 30 years of "family life" built up here.  But here's the thing: she is hot-to-trot to downsize our home so we can save money, pay for college and/or she can retire early. If I stop an think about it, the "big effort" that I'm wincing at thinking about divorce is the downsizing.  (The more I look at it, the legal side is pretty easy.)  But since we plan to downsize soon anyways, I think I need to harness her energy to start culling our stuff now...