pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on May 19, 2017 21:39:46 GMT -5
All I want is to be able to cuddle with my husband, sip a little wine, and enjoy our closeness on a Friday night. Is this too much to ask for?
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Post by baza on May 19, 2017 21:52:37 GMT -5
Taking into account your other stories to put this one into context, yes, it is too much to ask of your husband Sister pinkskies Although by *normal* standards what you'd like is not terribly difficult or onerous, by your spouse's standards it is just too difficult. That doesn't make him a bad bloke either. But it does make him an incredibly poor life partner for a woman who has *normal* expectations of a marital relationship. A woman like you as an obvious example. Is your exit strategy still progressing ? |
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pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on May 19, 2017 22:39:38 GMT -5
Baza, thank you. He's moving out in about a week. I know it's for the best. It's just difficult at this moment. I've met with lawyers and my counselor and plans are in place but the emotional piece is tough.
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Post by baza on May 20, 2017 0:06:25 GMT -5
It probably won't help at the moment Sister pinkskies but *you* were never capable of changing him, *you* are still not capable of changing him, and moving forward *you* will not be able to change him. All this has not, is not, and in the future will not, be due to any short fallings on your part. Sometimes, it is just a case of an insoluble "mis-match", and that is not necessarily anyones' *fault*. |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 20, 2017 5:59:20 GMT -5
pinkskiesSoon, soon you will find someone that would be willing to, want to, and even love to hold you while sipping wine on the couch or bed while enjoying a movie, the show or just the quietness.
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Post by JonDoe on May 20, 2017 14:57:06 GMT -5
All I want is to be able to cuddle with my husband, sip a little wine, and enjoy our closeness on a Friday night. Is this too much to ask for? It is definitely not to much to ask for, but unfortunately too much for some to give! My STBX always refused to cuddle, except for a few very rare occasions when she was supposedly trying to save our marriage a few years ago, but even then she put a five minute time limit on it, and I noticed her checking the clock. |
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Post by dinnaken on May 20, 2017 15:30:05 GMT -5
Hi Pinkskies,
No, it isn't too much to ask but for your husband and my wife (and so many of the other spouses of those of us who use this site) they just can't bring themselves to offer this basic level of human comfort.
I don't think it is malicious, I just don't think they are capable of that kind of intimacy.
Ultimately, that inability corrodes the marriage; it's something I find difficult to blame, it's just who they are. It's our misfortune that we married them.
It is so very, very tough to deal with.
Best wishes
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Post by JonDoe on May 20, 2017 20:39:03 GMT -5
... they just can't bring themselves to offer this basic level of human comfort. I don't think it is malicious, I just don't think they are capable of that kind of intimacy. Ultimately, that inability corrodes the marriage; it's something I find difficult to blame, it's just who they are. It's our misfortune that we married them. It is so very, very tough to deal with. Best wishes I agree with most of what you wrote, except I believe they are capable, at least most are, if they just put there minds to it and did something that was important for their spouse even though it might not seem important to themselves. Saying "it's just who they are" unfairly gives them a free pass, which I doubt most people would give to a lazy spouse. Many of these refusers are frigid, bedroom sloths. Let's feel free to call a spade a spade! Sure, some have legitimate issues they are dealing with and we aren't all 100% innocent either, but I'm not convinced that a near complete disregard for intimacy is part of so many people's DNA. Hey, Bill Nye, if you are listening, please back me up here! My STBX initiated sex more frequently before we were married, but I made the mistake of letting her eat the wedding cake and suffered from major blue balls starting on our honeymoon. I wonder how many of our refusing (ex)spouses are selfish, (borderline) narcissists. That might be an interesting unscientific poll. |
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Post by dinnaken on May 21, 2017 1:16:47 GMT -5
Hi JonDoe, Yes, I was being over-generous. I generalised from the particular; the particular in this case being my experience. Like you, in my marriage, everything started to go wrong on the honeymoon. My wife has told me that she was "deeply ashamed" for her behaviour in the bedroom on that night. You're right, it is a free pass and that was wrong of me. Perhaps I should have said of my wife - she cannot/will not see that she has a problem which has resulted in the failure of our marriage and, as a consequence she is incapable of change. I think that comment reflects where I am right now, which is, I've left the anger behind and I'm trying to stay positive for my future and put all that S**T behind me. I've given over trying to understand my wife's behaviour. The sooner she is out of my house and 'getting on with her fresh start' (her words), the better. I have no desire to 'stay friends' or ever see her again (but I will have to as we have a child). I don't look for an explanation or an apology, I don't think it is helpful for me. |
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Post by merrygoround on May 21, 2017 1:55:00 GMT -5
Oh god you've just reminded me of my wedding day. He was too tired to consummate that night. The following day, later that morning, it was the usual from behind, spoon position he has always used. I remember my disappointment now. Nothing much else happened sexually during the honeymoon either.
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Post by nolongerlonely on May 21, 2017 2:01:26 GMT -5
Our wedding day was a fabulous occasion, and having had relatively regular sex in the 'pre-nuptial' stage I was certainly looking forward to a night of enjoyment at the start of our honeymoon. We certainly didnt have any sort of intercourse on the night, and thinking back possibly only once during a gloriously romantic week. I should have known then shouldnt I ? No pinkskies its not an unreasonable request at all, just the sort of thing normal heterosexuals would look forward to |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 21, 2017 6:47:41 GMT -5
Our wedding day was a fabulous occasion, and having had relatively regular sex in the 'pre-nuptial' stage I was certainly looking forward to a night of enjoyment at the start of our honeymoon. We certainly didnt have any sort of intercourse on the night, and thinking back possibly only once during a gloriously romantic week. I should have known then shouldnt I ? No pinkskies its not an unreasonable request at all, just the sort of thing normal heterosexuals would look forward to I wouldn't limit it to heterosexuals. I think the reason why we not see homosexuals is because they are most likely going to other forums that cater to thier lifestyle that they already know. For me this forum is the first online website where I have discussed my sexuality. |
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Post by h on May 21, 2017 7:59:01 GMT -5
Our wedding day was a fabulous occasion, and having had relatively regular sex in the 'pre-nuptial' stage I was certainly looking forward to a night of enjoyment at the start of our honeymoon. We certainly didnt have any sort of intercourse on the night, and thinking back possibly only once during a gloriously romantic week. I should have known then shouldnt I ? No pinkskies its not an unreasonable request at all, just the sort of thing normal heterosexuals would look forward to That was almost my experience. We waited for marriage though so I had no idea what I was getting into. No sex on the wedding night and only once on a very romantic 10 day tropical getaway honeymoon. Add to that the fact that she only went through with the sex out of guilt. She broke down crying because she had put off sex for the first few days of the trip and then started her period which cut out sex for a week and then weepily allowed it to happen near the end of the trip. If I had half a brain, I would have left then but I had convinced myself that there was something wrong with me and that I just had to do more to earn her affection and deserve to be loved. (Not feeling that way anymore, just telling how it was when I was younger). I went for years thinking that I must be such a horrible person, so disgustingly unattractive and inept as a lover that nobody would ever want me any more than my W did so I should just get used to disappointment and settle for anything I was given no matter how infrequent. There were times several years ago that I actually considered suicide as my best option. Obviously I never did that since I'm here writing about it and I'm not proud of that time of my life but it does illustrate how much lack of sex can affect a person's mind. |
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on May 21, 2017 10:08:33 GMT -5
Our wedding day was a fabulous occasion, and having had relatively regular sex in the 'pre-nuptial' stage I was certainly looking forward to a night of enjoyment at the start of our honeymoon. We certainly didnt have any sort of intercourse on the night, and thinking back possibly only once during a gloriously romantic week. I should have known then shouldnt I ? No pinkskies its not an unreasonable request at all, just the sort of thing normal heterosexuals would look forward to That was almost my experience. We waited for marriage though so I had no idea what I was getting into. No sex on the wedding night and only once on a very romantic 10 day tropical getaway honeymoon. Add to that the fact that she only went through with the sex out of guilt. She broke down crying because she had put off sex for the first few days of the trip and then started her period which cut out sex for a week and then weepily allowed it to happen near the end of the trip. If I had half a brain, I would have left then but I had convinced myself that there was something wrong with me and that I just had to do more to earn her affection and deserve to be loved. (Not feeling that way anymore, just telling how it was when I was younger). I went for years thinking that I must be such a horrible person, so disgustingly unattractive and inept as a lover that nobody would ever want me any more than my W did so I should just get used to disappointment and settle for anything I was given no matter how infrequent. There were times several years ago that I actually considered suicide as my best option. Obviously I never did that since I'm here writing about it and I'm not proud of that time of my life but it does illustrate how much lack of sex can affect a person's mind. I read your honeymoon description and it reminded me of mine. My wife and I had sex once on that trip. We were at a hot springs in British Columbia. I was stupid not to see all the obvious signs of what was coming. |
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pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on May 21, 2017 17:34:34 GMT -5
Hi Pinkskies, No, it isn't too much to ask but for your husband and my wife (and so many of the other spouses of those of us who use this site) they just can't bring themselves to offer this basic level of human comfort. I don't think it is malicious, I just don't think they are capable of that kind of intimacy. Ultimately, that inability corrodes the marriage; it's something I find difficult to blame, it's just who they are. It's our misfortune that we married them. It is so very, very tough to deal with. Best wishes Good point. It's crazy because in hindsight all the signs were there. I jist hoped he would change. |
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