A little over a year ago I opened up here.
May 13, 2017 12:57:05 GMT -5
JMX, GeekGoddess, and 20 more like this
Post by ggold on May 13, 2017 12:57:05 GMT -5
This was my first post:
"I am so relieved to have found this forum! I am hoping that I will not be judged but just allowed to be free with my feelings and experiences regarding my SM.
I cannot believe it when I write this out, but I've been in my SM for about 8 years or so. No sex, no affection, no intimacy....nothing. I've been married for 22 years. I got married young, right out of college. Went from living with my parents to living with my husband. We had a great connection prior to getting married. After a few years of marriage, the activity died down. I would reach out to him about the lack of sex and he would assure me he would change, things would get better. I was young and hopeful and believed.
Although not in a SM back then, the signs were there. Still, I ignored them and we went on with life. We adopted our three beautiful children and created our family.
He is a good man. This has been the root of my guilt. I would cry because I was lonely in the marriage but then convince myself that I could live without sex because he is a good father, provider, person, etc. I've been in therapy to deal with the guilt and I've come a long way. I know my marriage is over. We are friends and co-parents, partners and roommates. We are not lovers. I am not sexually attracted to him anymore.
We were in therapy last summer. I tried to do the homework of holding hands, sitting close to him, even going on a weekend getaway. I didn't feel it. I couldn't bring myself to hold his hand. It felt so forced, so unnatural. When we went away, I had to sleep in the same bed with him. (I haven't in years and tell the kids it's because he snores.) It was terrible.
I confronted him recently and spilled my feelings. Everything. I was very honest. He was devastated but finally admitted to having no sex drive. (He actually SAID the words...this was huge!) He said he is holding on to a thread of hope that our marriage can work. He now wants to go to therapy himself and work on him. He asked if I'd go back into counseling with him but I said no. He said he won't let me go. So, basically he doesn't want me sexually and he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I have a lot of planning to do. I work part-time and rely on him financially. We have the children and they are my priority. This is going to be so difficult and my head is spinning. What I do know is that I need to move on. And I will...it just may take a little time...but my journey is just beginning."
Where am I now? Still married. Still trying to work my way out of this marriage. Still in therapy.
I thought when we began mediating I was moving in the right direction. I thought he somewhat accepted our destiny. I thought wrong. Our last session was in Feb. We discussed a parenting plan. We scheduled the next session where we would have discussed the finances. We cancelled. He was overwhelmed with work. His busiest time, tax season, was upon him. I didn't push him. I knew how much pressure he was under at work and was willing to wait until tax season was over. It's been over now for a month. We have not rescheduled our session. He claims he is still getting all of the financial info together. I asked to see what he has been gathering. It has not been shown to me yet. I take full responsibility for not being a partner in finances in my 23 years of marriage. How fucking stupid of me!!! For all I know, he is working behind the scenes to screw me financially. There was a time I would never believe that to be possible. Now, I don't trust him at all.
I had a conversation with him the other night about moving forward. I still have tremendous difficulty talking to him about our situation. I told him we need to go back to mediation and if we do not soon, I will have to contact an attorney. He told me that would be a bad move on my part. The past was mentioned again in this discussion. It makes no difference what I say to him. I realize that I have to let the past go. He is living in his own world and I am living in mine. The bottom line is I need to be free. The constant tension and stress is taking it's toll on me. I am sad, I am crying more, I am short-tempered with my kids, I am unfocused at work, I just want to sleep. I am angry that I have allowed him to manipulate me for so long. He knows this marriage is over, but he will do everything he can to hold on and stall and avoid.
I do, however, have hope for my future. Since being a part of this wonderful forum, I have grown in so many ways. I made mistakes and got a bit out of control with my behaviors. I engaged in sexual exploration and realized that I NEED intimacy and sex in my life. I learned about myself as a woman from both my positive and negative experiences. I was led on a journey and followed the path. On this journey, something wonderful and unexpected happened. I fell in love.
In April of last year, I began journaling. I wrote about my feelings, my H, my AP, my anger...all of it. I also wrote to the Universe and repeatedly asked the Divine to send me my true love. I wrote over and over again about the qualities I wanted in my future love. I knew my love was out there, somewhere, and I sent my love out to him.
On Oct. 16th, I responded privately to a post written here. I just wanted to reach out to him to let him know I felt his pain and that I was here to support him. I shared with him my own experiences and let him know that he was not alone. I did not know it then, but HE was the man I wrote to the Universe about.
Words cannot express how deeply in love I am with him. We have a soul connection. It's difficult to put into words. We have been blessed to have had the opportunity to be with each other physically. He visited me last Sunday into Monday. Our time together was magical, spiritual, and beautiful. When he left me to fly back home, a part of my heart went along with him. He has shown me what true love is. He loves me as I deserve to be loved.
In one year, my life has changed in so many ways. I may not be out of my marriage yet, but I will be. I am still learning and growing. I have hope for a future filled with love and happiness.
I want to thank all of you here for your support. YOU all have been a part of helping me navigate through my crazy life. And I am so very much appreciative!! xoxoxo
G
"I am so relieved to have found this forum! I am hoping that I will not be judged but just allowed to be free with my feelings and experiences regarding my SM.
I cannot believe it when I write this out, but I've been in my SM for about 8 years or so. No sex, no affection, no intimacy....nothing. I've been married for 22 years. I got married young, right out of college. Went from living with my parents to living with my husband. We had a great connection prior to getting married. After a few years of marriage, the activity died down. I would reach out to him about the lack of sex and he would assure me he would change, things would get better. I was young and hopeful and believed.
Although not in a SM back then, the signs were there. Still, I ignored them and we went on with life. We adopted our three beautiful children and created our family.
He is a good man. This has been the root of my guilt. I would cry because I was lonely in the marriage but then convince myself that I could live without sex because he is a good father, provider, person, etc. I've been in therapy to deal with the guilt and I've come a long way. I know my marriage is over. We are friends and co-parents, partners and roommates. We are not lovers. I am not sexually attracted to him anymore.
We were in therapy last summer. I tried to do the homework of holding hands, sitting close to him, even going on a weekend getaway. I didn't feel it. I couldn't bring myself to hold his hand. It felt so forced, so unnatural. When we went away, I had to sleep in the same bed with him. (I haven't in years and tell the kids it's because he snores.) It was terrible.
I confronted him recently and spilled my feelings. Everything. I was very honest. He was devastated but finally admitted to having no sex drive. (He actually SAID the words...this was huge!) He said he is holding on to a thread of hope that our marriage can work. He now wants to go to therapy himself and work on him. He asked if I'd go back into counseling with him but I said no. He said he won't let me go. So, basically he doesn't want me sexually and he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I have a lot of planning to do. I work part-time and rely on him financially. We have the children and they are my priority. This is going to be so difficult and my head is spinning. What I do know is that I need to move on. And I will...it just may take a little time...but my journey is just beginning."
Where am I now? Still married. Still trying to work my way out of this marriage. Still in therapy.
I thought when we began mediating I was moving in the right direction. I thought he somewhat accepted our destiny. I thought wrong. Our last session was in Feb. We discussed a parenting plan. We scheduled the next session where we would have discussed the finances. We cancelled. He was overwhelmed with work. His busiest time, tax season, was upon him. I didn't push him. I knew how much pressure he was under at work and was willing to wait until tax season was over. It's been over now for a month. We have not rescheduled our session. He claims he is still getting all of the financial info together. I asked to see what he has been gathering. It has not been shown to me yet. I take full responsibility for not being a partner in finances in my 23 years of marriage. How fucking stupid of me!!! For all I know, he is working behind the scenes to screw me financially. There was a time I would never believe that to be possible. Now, I don't trust him at all.
I had a conversation with him the other night about moving forward. I still have tremendous difficulty talking to him about our situation. I told him we need to go back to mediation and if we do not soon, I will have to contact an attorney. He told me that would be a bad move on my part. The past was mentioned again in this discussion. It makes no difference what I say to him. I realize that I have to let the past go. He is living in his own world and I am living in mine. The bottom line is I need to be free. The constant tension and stress is taking it's toll on me. I am sad, I am crying more, I am short-tempered with my kids, I am unfocused at work, I just want to sleep. I am angry that I have allowed him to manipulate me for so long. He knows this marriage is over, but he will do everything he can to hold on and stall and avoid.
I do, however, have hope for my future. Since being a part of this wonderful forum, I have grown in so many ways. I made mistakes and got a bit out of control with my behaviors. I engaged in sexual exploration and realized that I NEED intimacy and sex in my life. I learned about myself as a woman from both my positive and negative experiences. I was led on a journey and followed the path. On this journey, something wonderful and unexpected happened. I fell in love.
In April of last year, I began journaling. I wrote about my feelings, my H, my AP, my anger...all of it. I also wrote to the Universe and repeatedly asked the Divine to send me my true love. I wrote over and over again about the qualities I wanted in my future love. I knew my love was out there, somewhere, and I sent my love out to him.
On Oct. 16th, I responded privately to a post written here. I just wanted to reach out to him to let him know I felt his pain and that I was here to support him. I shared with him my own experiences and let him know that he was not alone. I did not know it then, but HE was the man I wrote to the Universe about.
Words cannot express how deeply in love I am with him. We have a soul connection. It's difficult to put into words. We have been blessed to have had the opportunity to be with each other physically. He visited me last Sunday into Monday. Our time together was magical, spiritual, and beautiful. When he left me to fly back home, a part of my heart went along with him. He has shown me what true love is. He loves me as I deserve to be loved.
In one year, my life has changed in so many ways. I may not be out of my marriage yet, but I will be. I am still learning and growing. I have hope for a future filled with love and happiness.
I want to thank all of you here for your support. YOU all have been a part of helping me navigate through my crazy life. And I am so very much appreciative!! xoxoxo
G
