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Post by TMD on May 13, 2017 8:41:43 GMT -5
Wow... A year? And that's expedited? What locale do you live in that would needlessly inflict that kind of pain on you, your kids, and even your husband. Not saying Texas is perfect, but I think their 60 day waiting period (to cool off if necessary) strikes the right balance between making sure people don't rush into things and getting on with it. But a serious tip of the hat for getting things started! North Carolina is one of those "compassionate conservative" locales; I guess we should be thankful though - the last governor wanted to make it a two year minimum separation. TMD, does it still count living in separate bedrooms if you're still at the same address? Think it's the same across Canada, 1 year. Funny what becomes the norm. I think 60 days is a wee bit impetuous, yet definitely way less arduous. |
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Post by TMD on May 13, 2017 8:42:42 GMT -5
Wow TMD -- a tremendous amount of ground was covered in that single therapy session. Good work, remaining steadfast. I'm happy for you that it is moving, at least. Amazing update It has the semblance of, "moving." Only time will tell. |
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Post by TMD on May 13, 2017 8:48:47 GMT -5
"Gold Star" for being respectful? Yes the session and talk seems peaceful, mature, and level headed. I hope truly it stays calm and rational . . . though the Big "D" can be one Hell of a Roller coaster with no shoulder harness sometimes. Courage as you move forward. "Steadfast" sounds like the right word indeed. Hold steady and get ready. My experience was the initial "Talk" went well and calm and the preparation phase too and all that but when I moved out and it started to get "real" man the emotions went into over drive on all sides. Things very well might stay calm and mature, though emotional eruptions can come at any time from anywhere on this "D" Roller Coaster. I needed to be on the "Look-Out" for them and I under estimated their power. Some speak of the "Fog of War" - I am just a pudgy accountant civilian, but I do know the "Fog of Divorce" Thank-you for the post and sharing the experience. I wish you Strength and Courage and Steadfastness as you move into the D. I appreciate the support. Again, no illusions that it will always or forevermore be calm. But it was a good example of what we are capable of. I am concerned with his emotional well being. But can only rely on what I know: he's a good person, great dad. I am hoping if he gets therapy, begins to rebuild some friendships, he'll find himself on the other side and happy. |
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Post by TMD on May 13, 2017 8:52:55 GMT -5
North Carolina is one of those "compassionate conservative" locales; I guess we should be thankful though - the last governor wanted to make it a two year minimum separation. TMD, does it still count living in separate bedrooms if you're still at the same address? [/quote] It does! In part because sometimes couples can't afford separate residences until the home is sold. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 13, 2017 10:22:30 GMT -5
I'm very happy for you that it went smoothly and everything was civil.
My only advice because you have children involved is to know that the kids love you both equally and when working towards the divorce it is helpful to remember that.
There is life after divorce.
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Post by TMD on May 13, 2017 10:56:53 GMT -5
bballgirl - yes. I'm not looking to ask my kids to pick sides. Or use them as collateral. Our goal is to help them with transition and normalize it, as much as it is possible.
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Post by lyn on May 13, 2017 11:21:24 GMT -5
North Carolina is one of those "compassionate conservative" locales; I guess we should be thankful though - the last governor wanted to make it a two year minimum separation. TMD, does it still count living in separate bedrooms if you're still at the same address? Think it's the same across Canada, 1 year. Funny what becomes the norm. I think 60 days is a wee bit impetuous, yet definitely way less arduous. This is crazy! In my neck of the woods, D can be final in as few as two weeks from filing if non contested. If contested, the average is 6 weeks. The ONLY good thing about moving to this crazy place. 😉 |
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Post by lyn on May 13, 2017 11:25:07 GMT -5
TMD. I'm really happy for you. There is no room here for him to say," What? You want a divorce?" From here on out. Probably a very good feeling to get that firmly planted into his noggin. Interesting that he did open up somewhat in front of the therapist. Do you think he will go to individual? It could be life-changing for him. I know many think we shouldn't care so much about what happens to "them" once we leave. But, how can we not? Good luck and nice work!
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Post by TMD on May 13, 2017 11:57:08 GMT -5
lyn, thank you. It is both good and sad. Definitely a turning point for the marriage. I don't know if he'll go to see a therapist. I'll gently encourage him to. We have two children who need him to be emotionally stable. I have to care, to some extent, because it impacts the girls.
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Post by ggold on May 13, 2017 12:14:05 GMT -5
Today the roommate (when do I get to call him STBX? when we have legal docs in hand?) and I saw the therapist, where we had a "normal" conversation. After introductions, she asked us what we wanted to discuss. Since I made the appointment, the roommate deferred to me. I said, in abbreviated form, that we are not able to talk about difficult subjects, and I want a divorce. Well. That surprised the roommate. He didn't know I wanted a divorce. Huh. I am surprised that he some how missed the link between I don't want to be married to you and I do not want to reconcile. I am not sure what he thought the therapy appointment was for. And I didn't ask him. I don't need to know. The therapist then gave us a couple of options to proceed with: a. discuss the emotional aspects of divorce, b. discuss the logistical/legal aspects, or c. a combo of both. Given that I already have some ideas as to how to proceed with the divorce, and I've done quite a bit of therapy since realizing I don't want to be in this marriage, I asked the roommate to choose. He took option 'c.' In the course of conversation, exploring questions, we talked about how the roommate hasn't told anybody about our marriage or the dissolution of it. He asked for help. A moment in which I was very proud of him. He recognizes that he needs support to wade through this and asked for it. He is resigned to the fact that the marriage isn't salvageable. And on some level, I know he's known this, but not admitted it, for a long period of time. But now he needs to reconcile himself to this. I also learned today that because we haven't shared a room in about a year and half, the courts may allow us to expedite the divorce (i.e. we get credit for, "time served," so to speak). I still anticipate it will take a year to sort through things. But it was good to hear. We concluded the session with an agreement to work on a few things by the end of June: 1. tell the kids, together 2. agree on the living arrangements (let kids live in home and stay there when on duty with kids -- a short term measure, or sell house) 3. agree upon a parenting plan/schedule (i.e. when which one of us will have the kids) 4. get legal consult (for roommate; I've done so already) Surprisingly, it went well. We received a figurative 'gold star' from the therapist for being able to discuss the matters calmly and respectfully. And we left each other -- drove separately as I worked today -- on good terms. I know what's ahead won't be easy. But I am relieved and lighter tonight knowing that we are moving forward with his commitment to doing his part in the process. It's a start. Wonderful! I wanted to do this with my H and he refused. Instead, we decided to mediate. We have only been to 2 sessions. The last one was in Feb. I had a "conversation" with him the other day about moving forward I told him that I would go to see a therapist with him for the reasons you did. He said no. I told him that if we didn't get to mediation again asap, I will retain an attorney. He said that would be a bad move on my part. You are moving in the right direction and I am happy for you! Will send you positive vibes! G |
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Post by TMD on May 13, 2017 13:07:27 GMT -5
Uh... @ggold, I think him not making any attempt to work with you is a bad move on *his* part. At least in our situation, I would be favored because I make 25% of roommate's income. if we avoid court, he'll likely pay less (I need enough to get by on and am not seeking to punish him with getting the max).
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Post by JMX on May 13, 2017 20:30:01 GMT -5
Wow... A year? And that's expedited? What locale do you live in that would needlessly inflict that kind of pain on you, your kids, and even your husband. Not saying Texas is perfect, but I think their 60 day waiting period (to cool off if necessary) strikes the right balance between making sure people don't rush into things and getting on with it. But a serious tip of the hat for getting things started! Yeah. If we are in agreement - even Alabama is a quick 30 day turn-around for the judge to sign off. |
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Post by JMX on May 13, 2017 20:32:04 GMT -5
TMD! That went as well as could be expected! Good job. I am sure there are more trials ahead, however, I will remain positive and choose to believe this will be smoother than most! Yay!
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Post by baza on May 13, 2017 22:07:22 GMT -5
It's good you got some "agreement in principle" about those matters Sister TMD It is well to keep in mind though, that "agreement in principle" can be one thing, but action on those principles can very much be another matter. An avoidant aspouse may still be operating from a delaying motivation, "agreeing" to whatever looks like it might spin the day of reckoning out by a few more weeks / months / years. The possibility that it may still come down to you and you alone to drive this to resolution is ever present. |
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Post by TMD on May 13, 2017 23:12:45 GMT -5
It's good you got some "agreement in principle" about those matters Sister TMD It is well to keep in mind though, that "agreement in principle" can be one thing, but action on those principles can very much be another matter. An avoidant aspouse may still be operating from a delaying motivation, "agreeing" to whatever looks like it might spin the day of reckoning out by a few more weeks / months / years. The possibility that it may still come down to you and you alone to drive this to resolution is ever present. If avoidant spouse doesn't do anything, at least he can't claim he's surprised should I serve him the divorce papers. ;-) Certainly, I'm skeptical that he will take action. But I do have his word to do his part. I can remind him of that. And if he doesn't come to the table having done his part, he probably won't have much to bargain with. |
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