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Post by shamwow on May 15, 2017 10:27:18 GMT -5
I used to talk until I was blue in the face. Now I'm just blue in the balls. Wait ... sorry. I thought I was only typing this in my mind. I totally agree with dinnaken, lack of communication within a marriage is at the root of most marital problems. (THIS I meant to type). ;-) I'm not sure I agree that communication within a marriage is the root of most marital problems. Look, communication is essential, but if the underlying message is "I don't want you", you truly can communicate until you're blue in the face with no positive outcome. Often, the lack of communication is merely a symptom that one (or both) parties no longer desire (physically, emotionally, mentally) their partner. Communication won't fix that. It will, however, expose it. How to rekindle desire? Well, that's a different subject entirely. The sad part is in many of our relationships, there is an imbalance of one kind or another. Many of our partners are quite satisfied with the status quo. Their needs are fulfilled, and changing that status quo is not in their interest. What is often overlooked by many of them is that if one party's needs in a relationship are continuously ignored, that party will seek alternate means of addressing those needs. So while the partner may be satisfied with the status quo, that state really is unsustainable. The formula for a successful marriage to me seems to be: desire = successful marriage. If the desire is there, then both parties will work to satisfy their partner's needs. If it isn't there? Well, you have most of the marriages here as case studies. |
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Post by thistooshallpass on May 15, 2017 11:46:48 GMT -5
I used to talk until I was blue in the face. Now I'm just blue in the balls. Wait ... sorry. I thought I was only typing this in my mind. I totally agree with dinnaken, lack of communication within a marriage is at the root of most marital problems. (THIS I meant to type). ;-) I'm not sure I agree that communication within a marriage is the root of most marital problems. Look, communication is essential, but if the underlying message is "I don't want you", you truly can communicate until you're blue in the face with no positive outcome. Often, the lack of communication is merely a symptom that one (or both) parties no longer desire (physically, emotionally, mentally) their partner. Communication won't fix that. It will, however, expose it. How to rekindle desire? Well, that's a different subject entirely. The sad part is in many of our relationships, there is an imbalance of one kind or another. Many of our partners are quite satisfied with the status quo. Their needs are fulfilled, and changing that status quo is not in their interest. What is often overlooked by many of them is that if one party's needs in a relationship are continuously ignored, that party will seek alternate means of addressing those needs. So while the partner may be satisfied with the status quo, that state really is unsustainable. The formula for a successful marriage to me seems to be: desire = successful marriage. If the desire is there, then both parties will work to satisfy their partner's needs. If it isn't there? Well, you have most of the marriages here as case studies. I totally agree with your equation. (mutual) desire = successful marriage. But it's only part of a bigger equation for a successful marriage. I'm sure you know that. Just sayin'. I also agree with you in that a lack of communication can be a symptom of a greater problem. I've always believed that open and effective communication can go a long way towards preventing a problem or possibly preventing an existing problem from getting worse; and in many cases may even solve a problem. When there's a problem, no communication, little communication; or ineffective communication, basically means no progress of any kind towards a solution or a dissolution. Damn, was that a run on sentence??? But like you've stated, if desire is lacking on either side, it's like trying to start an engine without fuel. And yeah, shamwow, it's all about balance. I like what you wrote about "status quo". I'm in a situation where it's definitely unsustainable and where alternate means of addressing my own unfulfilled needs are being seriously considered. Not running your engine regularly could lead to all sorts of problems. |
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Post by iceman on May 15, 2017 12:16:51 GMT -5
I find myself texting a lot more to my wife and her to me. Phone calls or actual conversations are just too depressing and more often than not end up in a disagreement to some degree. It just easier and less stressful to text.
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Post by unmatched on May 15, 2017 19:37:51 GMT -5
I agree with shamwow - I am also no longer sure that lack of communication is the root of most of our problems. I think in the early days it is probably true that we are often not vocal enough about how we feel, and things tend to go too far before they are actually talked about. But I don't know how many of us here could honestly say that our partners don't know how we feel, or that we don't know how they feel. If there is an issue it is more like a mutual unwillingness to face up to the truth. They don't want to admit that they really don't want to have sex with us any more, and we don't want to admit that either. So we pussy foot around the issue, talking about frequency and emotional bonding and housework and date nights and every other possible sidetrack under the sun that we can think of. But this is not a lack of communication. Both partners are communicating very clearly that we are not happy with the way things are but are not yet ready to deal head on with the shitty situation we find ourselves in. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 15, 2017 20:09:56 GMT -5
Actions are very often the clearest of communications. My Ex & I didn't TALK much by the end, not about sex or marriage or us, but that communicated our meaning quite clearly actually.
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Post by baza on May 15, 2017 20:57:05 GMT -5
Refusers are generally very good communicators.
They usually leave you in no doubt whatsoever that they don't want to engage you sexually.
Often times, the communication break down is in the refused spouses inability to receive (and interpret) the very clear communication the refuser spouse is transmitting.
Sometimes, the refuser spouse has to transmit the message that they do not want to engage you sexually many many many times before the refused spouse "get's it".
And sometimes, the refused spouse still doesn't get it, and never will.
*Good communication* is not reliant on you hearing what you want to hear.
*Good communication* is as often as not hearing what you do NOT want to hear.
Someone telling you unequivocally by word and/or deed that they don't want to engage you sexually might not be a very welcome piece of communication, but it still is *good communication*
The refused spouse may not *like* the communication, but that does not invalidate the truth of the message.
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