|
|
Post by TMD on May 11, 2017 19:02:05 GMT -5
To your spouse? Especially the difficult subjects?
We have our first counseling session tomorrow afternoon to discuss the dissolution of the marriage. I, typically, after an emotional conversation that happens in a counselor's office, will be tired and drained. I am also pretty sure I'll need some space after. I want to ask roommate if he would rather go out or go home. Whichever he chooses, I'll do the other.
Can I just text him this? He's not home until bedtime. I may forget.
LOL.
Sort of.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on May 11, 2017 19:48:38 GMT -5
If your goal is to convey a simple message and avoid getting sucked into a prolonged conversation, definitely go with a text.
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 11, 2017 19:52:32 GMT -5
I am normally a nature person. So I would find a quite park to go sit at and stare at the trees.
For you, I would suggest doing what calms you away from the house and things associated with the roommate.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 11, 2017 20:59:34 GMT -5
As thing dissolved further, we started taking separate cars. Not that we were any good at communicating after counseling anyways. There would usually be silence or diversionary small talk.
Yes it is emotionally, and physically draining. Our meetings changed to mornings, where my W. "conveniently" needed to go straight to work. I would go watch the trains for a while, or go to the ocean, before heading home. Eventually she "conveniently" couldn't make it to our meetings anymore either due to meetings at work.
|
|
|
|
Post by TMD on May 11, 2017 21:55:25 GMT -5
Do people here text when the subject matter is difficult?
I have always been a face to face person, even in my work life. I would rather talk. But the roommate has not proven himself, over the years, to want to resolve by talking. ((Is there another way to do it?))
So I'm a bit gun shy with the roommate (hence the counseling session). With my AP, we have been able to talk through every challenge so far, with positive outcome.
|
|
|
|
Post by TMD on May 11, 2017 21:56:26 GMT -5
greatcoastal, the ocean sounds perfect. I'm thinking of taking a trip to Banff. My sister is there. The mountains are healing. Not immediately. Busy weekend ahead. But maybe early June.
|
|
|
|
Post by TMD on May 11, 2017 21:58:30 GMT -5
hopingforachange, I was considering renting a hotel room for the night. I like having my own time. But instead, my plan, if I'm going out, is to meet a girlfriend for a drink after work.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 11, 2017 22:07:29 GMT -5
Do people here text when the subject matter is difficult? I have always been a face to face person, even in my work life. I would rather talk. But the roommate has not proven himself, over the years, to want to resolve by talking. ((Is there another way to do it?)) So I'm a bit gun shy with the roommate (hence the counseling session). With my AP, we have been able to talk through every challenge so far, with positive outcome. My STBX prefers texting, and you can imagine why. So she can manipulate, twist, and reverse things very cleverly in one line with a few key words. Statements that take paragraphs to straighten out with facts, thoughts, emotions and rebuttals. So I don't answer them. I am available for open communication. Even that is changing. I prefer to have other people present. The manipulation is that bad, and it stresses me greatly, that I get very defensive. Nt saying you or he will, just be aware of "one line zingers". Plus it's all documented and ready to show to an attorney. |
|
|
|
Post by TMD on May 11, 2017 22:28:34 GMT -5
greatcoastal, my girlfriend is in midst of a divorce. There are things she won't talk to me about by text... just in case he demands her records. I wouldn't say my roommate is manipulative. But we haven't thrown ourselves into the fray yet. And, again, my first choice is always a verbal convo. But, we seem to suck at that. I had mentioned to Tamara that we have a govt website that strained couples can use to communicate that is monitored. Can help in situations of manipulation.
|
|
|
|
Post by TMD on May 11, 2017 22:36:33 GMT -5
greatcoastal, my girlfriend is in midst of a divorce. There are things she won't talk to me about by text... just in case he demands her records. I wouldn't say my roommate is manipulative. But we haven't thrown ourselves into the fray yet. And, again, my first choice is always a verbal convo. But, we seem to suck at that. I had mentioned to Tamara that we have a govt website that strained couples can use to communicate that is monitored. Can help in situations of manipulation.
|
|
|
|
Post by TMD on May 11, 2017 22:51:00 GMT -5
greatcoastal, my girlfriend is in midst of a divorce. There are things she won't talk to me about by text... just in case he demands her records. I wouldn't say my roommate is manipulative. But we haven't thrown ourselves into the fray yet. And, again, my first choice is always a verbal convo. But, we seem to suck at that. I had mentioned to Tamara that we have a govt website that strained couples can use to communicate that is monitored. Can help in situations of manipulation.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 11, 2017 22:54:29 GMT -5
Maybe this is a good time to communicate with your stbx as if he was a *normal* person in a *normal* environment, and do such communication in a *normal* method.
Given that you will soon be out in the *normal* world, the practice can't hurt.
But what is a *normal* method these days ?
My view is likely antiquated, but text message doesn't do it for me.
|
|
|
|
Post by TMD on May 11, 2017 23:18:41 GMT -5
Oh, I agree, baza. Face to face is always first choice. Experience has been that a) he doesn't hear me, b) he isn't responsive, and c) he gets the "deer in the headlights" look when I broach uncomfortable topics. I'm aware that c) is his problem not mine. I can handle that. A) and b) are frustrating. I can be reasonably patient and remind him, if necessary. And if he isn't responsive? Guess that's because he hasn't been all along, hence a divorce. |
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on May 12, 2017 0:46:53 GMT -5
Hi,
Yes, face-to-face has to be how to go about it. Easier said than done, I know.
I found that simple, short, clear statements of my wishes / my position etc were the way to go.
I'd aim for clarity and not giving an 'in' for the other person if they want to turn it into an argument.
I'm so glad you've posed this question; my STBX is also uncommunicative and I remember sitting in front of a counsellor & being asked why I was there and the first thing I said was "I want to know how to I talk to my wife". I felt such a fool but how little I knew then.
|
|
|
|
Post by TMD on May 12, 2017 8:08:01 GMT -5
I do think that for many of us, dinnaken, part of the trouble in the marriage is the lack of communication. And I envisioned the same scenario in our appt today. Thankfully, I already filled in the intake form and addressed that. It will be interesting to see how she guides us, based on the intake forms. I have no ide what my roommate articulated. That said, pretty much everything I expressed, I have already expressed to the roommate. |
|
