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Post by dinnaken on May 12, 2017 14:18:35 GMT -5
Hi TMD,
Yep, failure in communication lies at the root of much of what is described on this site. That said, you can't say "If only I'd done it differently", said X instead of Y etc. For some people the inarticulacy runs too deep.
As to what your roommate says different to you, that's inevitable. I read somewhere that no marriage counsellor has ever heard the same story from the couple they are working with. That has to be taken as read, the past is just that. It's for the counsellor to fathom was way forward that works for the both of you.
Once you've said what you mean and meant what you said, nothing more can be asked of you.
All the best
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Post by orangepeel on May 14, 2017 3:42:08 GMT -5
Me and my W are talking about less and less. It's all grinding to a halt in slow motion. The sex just went first, that's all.
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Post by shamwow on May 14, 2017 6:34:29 GMT -5
In the past, I've been much more of a "avoid the subject to keep the peace" kind of guy.
This entire situation has forced m to learn to have very, very hard conversations. Telling your wife you are finally done or telling your kids that you are divorcing AND that they need to move?
I do believe that the newfound ability to have these conversations is one of the few bright spots on this whole mess.
So for me, my life has kind of turned into a "no bullshit" zone. If something needs to be said? I say it. I prefer face to face, but sometimes a text will work of it is the only way to get the ball rolling.
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Post by wewbwb on May 14, 2017 8:53:33 GMT -5
While texting or leaving letters, is a bit harsh imo,sometimes it is the only way to freely , truly be open. Sometimes it is difficult to look at your spouse and say " I don't love you enough to stay married anymore . " Maybe split the difference and make it a phone conversation .
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Post by TMD on May 14, 2017 9:11:55 GMT -5
While texting or leaving letters, is a bit harsh imo,sometimes it is the only way to freely , truly be open. Sometimes it is difficult to look at your spouse and say " I don't love you enough to stay married anymore . " Maybe split the difference and make it a phone conversation . Well. I said the, "I want a divorce," part on Friday. I didn't hsvecsay, "I don't love you enough." But he did ask how angry I am with him. Turns out that he'd rather talk. We have given ourselves until end of June to get a few things done with respect to separating. I will ask how things are going. Maybe even text reminders. Will see how the talking thing goes over next little while. |
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Post by TMD on May 14, 2017 9:14:01 GMT -5
Me and my W are talking about less and less. It's all grinding to a halt in slow motion. The sex just went first, that's all. Us too, orangepeelI have a feeling that roommate and I may find ourselves acknowledging, at some point down the road, that had we talked, maybe we wouldn't have landed in the position we are. Growing pains, I suppose. We, hopefully, become wiser with old age. |
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Post by TMD on May 14, 2017 9:19:12 GMT -5
In the past, I've been much more of a "avoid the subject to keep the peace" kind of guy. This entire situation has forced m to learn to have very, very hard conversations. Telling your wife you are finally done or telling your kids that you are divorcing AND that they need to move? I do believe that the newfound ability to have these conversations is one of the few bright spots on this whole mess. So for me, my life has kind of turned into a "no bullshit" zone. If something needs to be said? I say it. I prefer face to face, but sometimes a text will work of it is the only way to get the ball rolling. I think we were both trying to keep the peace. And,yet, my friends said the tension in our home was thick. Yeah. Not talking not working out so well. I need/want to keep the convo going since our counseling appt. I'll find a way to chat with him today. Even if it's a, "how are you feeling since the counseling appt?" kind of segue into the tough subjects. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 14, 2017 9:19:53 GMT -5
Now he's willing to use his mouth ? Sorry . Anyway text reminders are good Like "Remember my pussy? I'm taking that in the divorce ."  ( sorry for making light of a serious issue , but I have a note from my Dr explaining that I'm not emotionally equipped to cope with life.) Anyway , if an uncomfortable topic arises talking it through on the phone is better than nothing . |
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Post by TMD on May 14, 2017 9:31:05 GMT -5
Now he's willing to use his mouth ? Sorry . Anyway text reminders are good Like "Remember my pussy? I'm taking that in the divorce ." ( sorry for making light of a serious issue , but I have a note from my Dr explaining that I'm not emotionally equipped to cope with life.) Anyway , if an uncomfortable topic arises talking it through on the phone is better than nothing . LOL. No need to apologize. Humour is -- usually -- healthy. And it was a smart observation. I am not holding out that roommate will follow through and do anything. Time will tell. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 14, 2017 9:37:52 GMT -5
We are just glad that you are taking care of yourself .
Journaling is a healthy thing .
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Post by TMD on May 14, 2017 9:53:30 GMT -5
I think I am taking care of myself, wewbwb. Funny, I stopped journaling years ago after destroying a journa (that a friend had hand found for me). I ripped the pages and burned them. So much angst and I wanted to move on. I guess here is where I journal. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 14, 2017 11:17:21 GMT -5
Whatever works for you .
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on May 14, 2017 17:42:29 GMT -5
I usually wait until our little one is asleep, then I either tell him I want to talk tonight while he is playing his games or I wait until we are in bed. While we are laying in bed with each other I can still talk (and he communicates well verbally) but since the lights are off he can't see my facial expressions. This may sound like a bad thing, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so f he says something that may be hurtful it is not so damn obvious,this helps us be able to keep talking about it without him shutting down for fear of hurting my feelings. It also lets me be upset, I can have the hurt on my face without bottling it up.
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Post by snowman12345 on May 14, 2017 19:58:03 GMT -5
I usually wait until our little one is asleep, then I either tell him I want to talk tonight while he is playing his games or I wait until we are in bed. While we are laying in bed with each other I can still talk (and he communicates well verbally) but since the lights are off he can't see my facial expressions. This may sound like a bad thing, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so f he says something that may be hurtful it is not so damn obvious,this helps us be able to keep talking about it without him shutting down for fear of hurting my feelings. It also lets me be upset, I can have the hurt on my face without bottling it up. You could just wear a vail. When he asks why you can tell him you are grieving for your lost sex life. I am trying to be funny here, but sometimes I fail. Like anything else in life you can't quit - you just have to keep trying.
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Post by thistooshallpass on May 15, 2017 9:11:08 GMT -5
I used to talk until I was blue in the face. Now I'm just blue in the balls. Wait ... sorry. I thought I was only typing this in my mind.
I totally agree with dinnaken, lack of communication within a marriage is at the root of most marital problems. (THIS I meant to type). ;-)
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