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Post by darktippedrose on May 15, 2017 12:32:10 GMT -5
Probably not. My husband told me I'm not meant for a long term marriage. Maybe a temporary wife (in certain religions this is allowed) but not a long term marriage. He said I'm too immature to be married because I don't want to be married to someone who's with other women. So ..... that makes me too immature. Too stuck into American princess ideals. So I am just going to say it. From everything you have said, it sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You don't have to take it. If he wants to have you as a temp wife, fine, but take his ass to the cleaners on the way out. Oh believe me, I know at this point his stupid behind is just talking crap and playing games. He looks to use religion to do that. He told me of a man that will to go to hell, even though he was prayed and payed lots of Charity. but he was harsh with his wife and kids. Ummmmm, it never dawned on him that he was talking about himself. oh boy. |
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Post by thistooshallpass on May 15, 2017 14:47:04 GMT -5
Is marriage a human condition? Is it a universal goal? Do we all long to find that one person to settle down with? Is it in our very nature to couple up with a mate for life? ...or are these things that society tries to convince us of? Are some of us better suited for marriage? Are others more suited for.... something else? If so, what IS that something else? My therapist said something to me a while back that never sat well with me. She said that I have done pretty well in life and that i should be proud. She said that I have met the developmental milestones. ...as in, I got a career, I moved out of the house I grew up in, I met my wife, got married, and had kids. Developmental milestones. What is that supposed to mean? Like I have checked off the boxes that deem me "ok" in her book of psychobabble or something. Couldn't I have been "ok" as a human if I didn't go the route that she dictated? Just because I walked the straight and narrow, I can say I did it right? ....then why does it feel so wrong somedays. My career doesn't quite fit. I'm not sure I am cut out for sharing a life with another. I struggle to be a good father. Sometimes i just wonder if I made a terrible mistake by following the prescribed path. Maybe I should have listened to my own voice more and ignored the influence of my parents and of society as a whole? Maybe I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Maybe it's just not for me ...or maybe I really am not "ok" if I have those thoughts. Sorry for the depressed vibe. It's just been a rough week so far. I'm really questioning a lot of things in my life right now. Those are some really deep (and really good) questions. None of which I'm going to tackle at this time. All I can say is that it's never too late to travel down a road not taken. The straight and narrow isn't for everyone. It seems to me like you've reached a 'fork in the road'. If I may quote Baza, "Tread your own path." Yeah, be your own man. F*ck what anyone wants to dictate to you. Just sayin'. Want to talk significant developmental milestone? You're making one right here with your introspective questioning. And BTW, no need to apologize for a depressed vibe. It's your vibe. We totally get it. Thanks for sharing, beeman. |
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Post by thistooshallpass on May 15, 2017 15:12:37 GMT -5
Thanks lyn . I do have to say that although I, "cheat," the overarching act of it is not something I would ever encourage anybody to do. It's complex and not for the faint of heart. But without having entered into an affair with my lover, I think I would have kept the blinders on a bit longer, if not forever. And that act, the act of engaging in a sexual affair that, 4 years later, has become something beyond "just sex, a bandaid, it has shown me what I need/want. And I'm good with that, however long I get to embrace the affair. The heart wants/needs what the heart wants/needs. Some hearts are simply more willing and more determined than others to do whatever it takes to feel fulfilled and to keep on beating strongly. You possess one of those hearts. Thank you for being so honest and forthright about the subject. |
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 18:21:56 GMT -5
Probably not. My husband told me I'm not meant for a long term marriage. Maybe a temporary wife (in certain religions this is allowed) but not a long term marriage. He said I'm too immature to be married because I don't want to be married to someone who's with other women. So ..... that makes me too immature. Too stuck into American princess ideals. That's what your husband thinks. What do YOU think? |
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 18:32:22 GMT -5
IMHO, marriage is not for everyone. There's a lot of emotional propaganda out there, and it makes people feel bad if they're not married. But there are some very good reasons to be unmarried.
All the reasons really boil down to this: One or both of the partners is not completely in love, to the point of making a lifelong commitment.
I'm on the fence myself. Sometimes I think I would like to remarry. Especially when something bad happens and I have to go through it alone.
But one thing I've discovered is that I like being the head of my own household. I like having my own place. I think now that I'm middle-aged and I've had a taste of being the boss of my own place - that would be really hard to give up. For me, I would have to be in love with a man beyond reason to want to share a residence again. And, I'm not going to live with a man again UNLESS we get married. I like having my own place enough that it would have to be marriage-level serious before I would live with a man again,
And, I'm doing my utmost not to settle, just because I have a bad time now and then. I keep telling myself:
Good relationship > single > bad relationship.
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Post by iceman on May 16, 2017 9:40:13 GMT -5
I don't think marriage is for everyone and I've come to the conclusion that it may not be for me. I've tried twice and it's not worked. I could say that almost all of the problems have resulted from me picking the wrong spouse each time. I think I was in a hurry to be married because I was raised to think marriage was the natural and desired state of adulthood and to be an unmarried adult just wasn't how I was supposed to live. I didn't have a religious upbringing but marriage was the societal norm to my parents.
It's not that I don't want to be involved with somebody and experience true intimacy. I do. But I don't think I want it to be tied to marriage. Actually the idea of another marriage scares the crap out of me. I guess I might have a different view if I met somebody with whom I was truly and deeply compatible. I've never felt that so I can't say for sure.
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Post by bballgirl on May 16, 2017 9:58:34 GMT -5
I don't think marriage is for everyone and I've come to the conclusion that it may not be for me. I've tried twice and it's not worked. I could say that almost all of the problems have resulted from me picking the wrong spouse each time. I think I was in a hurry to be married because I was raised to think marriage was the natural and desired state of adulthood and to be an unmarried adult just wasn't how I was supposed to live. I didn't have a religious upbringing but marriage was the societal norm to my parents. It's not that I don't want to be involved with somebody and experience true intimacy. I do. But I don't think I want it to be tied to marriage. Actually the idea of another marriage scares the crap out of me. I guess I might have a different view if I met somebody with whom I was truly and deeply compatible. I've never felt that so I can't say for sure. It scares me too. I think I'm a little jaded too. A man would have to totally knock my socks off to get me to even live with him. It seems a lot of men out there "dating" don't truly want connection. They have been married X number of years where they felt used for a sperm donor and atm machine, then divorced and paying child support or alimony so they are just trying to land on their feet again and I get that but years pass. I'm not in a hurry to find a commited relationship. I will know if it's the right one when it comes along. |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 16, 2017 11:48:17 GMT -5
Probably not. My husband told me I'm not meant for a long term marriage. Maybe a temporary wife (in certain religions this is allowed) but not a long term marriage. He said I'm too immature to be married because I don't want to be married to someone who's with other women. So ..... that makes me too immature. Too stuck into American princess ideals. That's what your husband thinks. What do YOU think? I think I am marriagable. Or whatever. Maybe not for my husband. He has things that he's good at, but being a good husband isn't one of them. Not to me or to his ex-wife. But if I ever got the chance to marry someone, I would need love and sex and respect. Someone who's compatible and understanding of my nature, of what makes me click, etc. someone above and beyond. |
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Post by WindSister on May 16, 2017 12:01:01 GMT -5
Was googling reasons to get re-married. Here's a link I found. pairedlife.com/relationships/remarriage-check-listThe doom and gloom propaganda out there of second marriages failing depresses me - but I really believe my husband and I are on the right path. Just to be sure, I went through the list. lol Honestly, though, I think the list only needs ONE bullet point: 9. Do You Really Understand Your Emotional Needs?BAM!! Figure that out. Don't settle for what doesn't fit with who you are as a person. The other points don't matter, so why am i posting the link? Because I wasted my time reading it -- lol. I mean, for instance -- my ex and lived together before marrying, which the article states is a negative thing. YES, in that case it was - we thought it was easier to get married so we could get a house together. My current husband and I also lived together before marrying (a year and a half). We CHOSE to get married BECAUSE we were validated we want the same in marriage/life. So it's the same point but with different outcomes. Makes no sense to me - it's all in the details, not the point itself. The article does state that, I guess: Yes, we are dedicated and that's why got married. No, it wasn't for convenience.  In fact, it was very inconvenient for both of us to move and start over in a new town together. We chose a new life for US (we were not running away from anything, only running towards something). Definitely no hard and fast answer to it. People can look at us and judge us for being stupid to tie the knot again (heard it more than once from friends/family/co-workers, which, by the way, I think is as rude as "feeling bad" for a person who's single). All I know is marriage to this man, FOR ME, has made me a better/bigger person and the gratitude I feel for this life is sometimes overwhelming. I am so proud of how we work through problems and challenges and so thankful for the fun/joy we share. He has changed me without wanting to change me, if that makes sense. It is so so so hard to describe. He has told me he wants to be a better person for me as well. I don't know - it's hard to put in words "why" we did it, I am just happy we did. |
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In fact, it was very inconvenient for both of us to move and start over in a new town together. We chose a new life for US (we were not running away from anything, only running towards something).