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Post by dinnaken on May 10, 2017 11:36:12 GMT -5
My two-penneth,
I'm on my way out of my marriage. Marriage didn't work for me.
Would I marry again?
As we north-country Brits say - "NOT FOR A GOLD CLOCK"
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Post by darktippedrose on May 10, 2017 15:03:34 GMT -5
Probably not. My husband told me I'm not meant for a long term marriage. Maybe a temporary wife (in certain religions this is allowed) but not a long term marriage. He said I'm too immature to be married because I don't want to be married to someone who's with other women.
So ..... that makes me too immature. Too stuck into American princess ideals.
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Post by ggold on May 10, 2017 15:23:05 GMT -5
No, marriage is not for everyone. I've learned that.
I got married two weeks before my 25th birthday. I graduated from college, got a job, met my husband, and got married. I never lived on my own and went from living with my parents to living with my h. This happened back in the early 90's. There were several of us around the same age who got married. It seemed like the "thing" to do and what was expected. My sister got married even younger than me. She was, I believe, 21 or 22. (Needless to say she is divorced.)
I'm not against marriage. When I married, I was too young. I didn't have a lot of life experience. I wanted someone to take care of me. I thought I loved him and maybe I did. It was a different kind of love now that I look back upon it. Perhaps it was more based on lust and societal expectations. The years went on, we became less intimate, we started a family, etc. etc. and now I am here and in the early stages of ending my marriage.
Each one of us has a journey to take in life. Through our journeys, we learn. That's what I believe we are all here on this earth for. I have personally grown and learned so much through these 23 years of marriage. I am taking these lessons along with me as I begin a new chapter in my life.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 10, 2017 19:02:53 GMT -5
I have 3 thoughts to this First is what the Bible says. (soory if this offends anyone, I really don't know how else to phrase it. your welcome to discard it or take it for the wisdom that it is meant to be.)
1) 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided.And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you,, but to promote good order, and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:1-40 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote, " It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman". But because of the temptation of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except, perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourself to prayer: (this does not mean watching American Idol LOL) but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control...
2)Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke pg.101-102.
"National statistics show that 90% of all divorced people remarry. With the averages on your side, the chances are very likely that you will remarry someday. Hopefully you will wait until you can put your life back together and grow from the experience of your divorce. Woman frequently ask where all the good eligible men are. The men ask where all the good eligible women are. One thing is for sure - they are not all hiding in the same place! There are good people everywhere. You will find them if you take the time to look.
There are some people who will choose not to remarry, and this is a personal choice. Not everyone should be married and not everyone should be single. Every individual should evaluate what is best for them."
3) Personally I go through waves of "I will never marry again". If anything I will live with someone else, but no legal contract. I think many of us have been hurt by a taker, a controller, or other circumstances that where all unforeseen when we entered marriage. Did our spouse know it and see it? (prices may vary) Do they know it now and refuse to face the truth? Will they continue that way until their death ,taking others down with them? Hopefully I will not be fooled again.
Here's to the future, and new beginnings.
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Post by TMD on May 10, 2017 21:24:32 GMT -5
Thanks lyn. I do have to say that although I, "cheat," the overarching act of it is not something I would ever encourage anybody to do. It's complex and not for the faint of heart. But without having entered into an affair with my lover, I think I would have kept the blinders on a bit longer, if not forever. And that act, the act of engaging in a sexual affair that, 4 years later, has become something beyond "just sex, a bandaid, it has shown me what I need/want. And I'm good with that, however long I get to embrace the affair. |
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Post by lyn on May 10, 2017 21:38:25 GMT -5
Probably not. My husband told me I'm not meant for a long term marriage. Maybe a temporary wife (in certain religions this is allowed) but not a long term marriage. He said I'm too immature to be married because I don't want to be married to someone who's with other women. So ..... that makes me too immature. Too stuck into American princess ideals. Well this makes sense then! NOT! I hope you're not buying this B.S.! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 10, 2017 22:24:29 GMT -5
I rarely follow society's expectations. I met H when he was married. Oldest girl is from Man 1 plus the mom. Mom married my H & they had 2 more. When we met, mom was having sex with everyone BUT H.
He is much older than I. (17 yrs). She left, we started dating. I moved in after about 2-3 yrs. The kids grew. We bought a house & property together. Kids moved out. I proposed. We spent 17 yrs married. 3+ sexless, many more dysfunctional.
I woke up. I found EP. I GOT OUT.
I'm not going to start following rules made by others at this point either.
I didn't get married because others expected it. That's not why I divorced either.
Follow your own heart. Be anything- anyone - you want. Turns out, society doesn't REALLY care, so do what makes you happy. Not in a mean way - but just don't worry about the "judgment" of others. They don't feel your thoughts, wishes or regrets when your head hits the pillow at night - so f@c$ them. They can go do whatever they like. They don't get to tell me how to live in my own mind & heart.
I don't hope to marry again. I do hope to have another long term relationship someday. That day is NOT today. Maybe I'll know when the day comes.
For now, I'm grateful for a chance to be on my own, flirting with whoever the hell I want. Going home alone is fine for me at this point. Life's not near as lonely when you're happy with your decisions.
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Post by snowman12345 on May 10, 2017 22:59:56 GMT -5
Thanks lyn . I do have to say that although I, "cheat," the overarching act of it is not something I would ever encourage anybody to do. It's complex and not for the faint of heart. But without having entered into an affair with my lover, I think I would have kept the blinders on a bit longer, if not forever. And that act, the act of engaging in a sexual affair that, 4 years later, has become something beyond "just sex, a bandaid, it has shown me what I need/want. And I'm good with that, however long I get to embrace the affair. This! Exactly! |
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Post by lyn on May 11, 2017 0:40:39 GMT -5
Thanks lyn. I do have to say that although I, "cheat," the overarching act of it is not something I would ever encourage anybody to do. It's complex and not for the faint of heart. But without having entered into an affair with my lover, I think I would have kept the blinders on a bit longer, if not forever. And that act, the act of engaging in a sexual affair that, 4 years later, has become something beyond "just sex, a bandaid, it has shown me what I need/want. And I'm good with that, however long I get to embrace the affair. So honest and beautifully said TMD. |
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Post by doneanddone on May 11, 2017 6:18:59 GMT -5
Is Marriage for everyone? HELL NO! baza has been telling us to "tread your own path" for years - and he's right. I checked all the boxes too. What I realized 18 years later - I hate living in a box. Ask your therapist about their comment. See what he/she says. Perhaps they were attempting to validate your decisions in your life, or maybe they just finished up with another client who is so fucked up they can't hold down a job and still live at home with their parents. At any rate, if you are not comfortable with this therapist, find another one you like. There isn't a therapist in the world that wants you to stay with them if they aren't helping you. If they try to hold on to you - RED FLAG and move on without guilt. Check out this link. She discusses how society has evolved and what Hollywood has taught us love is "supposed" to be. I've seen this one before.....pretty good stuff |
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Post by Venus Erotes on May 11, 2017 15:59:39 GMT -5
Thank you  |
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Post by dinnaken on May 11, 2017 16:58:34 GMT -5
Hi Folks,
After my outburst partway through this thread I was a little more reflective today.
No disrespect to Beeman, who started this thread by asking this question, but is this the right question? Almost everyone here is either in an unhappy marriage or is leaving/has left an unhappy marriage.
As one who is very happy to be leaving his quarter century, unhappy marriage, in that circumstance the question "Is marriage for Everyone" provoked my response above. I suggest that the focus on the 'honourable estate' is part of the problem.
So, I was pondering Beeman's question today, as I leave my marriage what do I want for the future? The answer came to me that what I wanted for my future is exactly what I wanted when I got married, all those years ago - I want a happy fulfilling relationship with a member of the opposite sex. What I want remains unchanged.
That aim is completely divorced (no pun intended) from the status - legal and social - of being married. Will the state of being married add to the happiness of any one of us here? Bollocks to that...
I'm with GeekGoddess on this; I'm not interested in society's expectations or norms in this respect. I have my own strong moral compass and I'll follow that; I now trust it more strongly than a social construct.
If I meet someone else, I shall aim, with all my might and main, for a happy and fulfilling relationship, remembering as many of the lessons learned as I can. If I don't meet someone or if I do but it too doesn't work out, then Meh... I Know I can be happy on my own, I have a child who has grown into a great adult and lots of really good friends.
Quality relationships not social institutions are what matter to me now.
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Post by Chatter Fox on May 12, 2017 18:06:22 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your reply. I got a lot of great insight from all of you. It definitely helped a ton. I wish I had the time to reply in depth to all of you. Many of you had some very awesome replies that really got me thinking. Maybe if I get the time I'll comment in more detail. For now though all I just wanted to take a moment to give a heartfelt thanks!
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Post by JMX on May 12, 2017 22:06:34 GMT -5
Hmm... this post reminds me of my favorite reminder of the rat-race. A stoplight. I need only look to my right or left while driving to work to see all the miserable and frustrated people of the world - different people at every single stoplight, shades of the same hopeless, blank, sad and angry people of the world.
What do I know of their woe?
Nothing.
What do I know of their happy times?
Nothing (especially considering the looks on their faces).
Absolutely nothing.
Marriage is no different from other aspects of life. I would guess, on any given day, that only 30% of the people I see on the way to work are unhappy in their marriage. I would guess the rest are unhappy with something else wrong in their lives. But I would also say - 100% of those people are really unhappy with themselves and focusing their frustration on someone/something else.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 13, 2017 5:52:27 GMT -5
Probably not. My husband told me I'm not meant for a long term marriage. Maybe a temporary wife (in certain religions this is allowed) but not a long term marriage. He said I'm too immature to be married because I don't want to be married to someone who's with other women. So ..... that makes me too immature. Too stuck into American princess ideals. So I am just going to say it. From everything you have said, it sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You don't have to take it. If he wants to have you as a temp wife, fine, but take his ass to the cleaners on the way out. |
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