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Post by seabr33z3 on May 4, 2017 10:02:52 GMT -5
In a discussion about intimacy I asked " can intimacy be faked? ".
Rather than hijack the thread, I'm asking it here.
To be clear I'm not referring to kisses and cuddles and caresses. I'm referring to that connnection on a certain level. That sense of unity,mutual understanding and emotional closeness.
For me it's " I get you. I really get you". Being totally in tune with eachother.
If that's not felt by one party, can they fake it?
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Post by cagedtiger on May 4, 2017 10:08:53 GMT -5
In a discussion about intimacy I asked " can intimacy be faked? ". Rather than hijack the thread, I'm asking it here. To be clear I'm not referring to kisses and cuddles and caresses. I'm referring to that connnection on a certain level. That sense of unity,mutual understanding and emotional closeness. For me it's " I get you. I really get you". Being totally in tune with eachother. If that's not felt by one party, can they fake it? I tried. I really, really did, figuring the "fake it till you make it" approach might help make things better. If anything, it made them worse. Then again, a big part of our problem was that she never really fully "got me" to begin with, and honestly, I never, ever understood her brand of, "I'm an introvert, I want to be around you, but at a distance" that she tried again and again to explain to me. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 4, 2017 10:11:06 GMT -5
In a discussion about intimacy I asked " can intimacy be faked? ". Rather than hijack the thread, I'm asking it here. To be clear I'm not referring to kisses and cuddles and caresses. I'm referring to that connnection on a certain level. That sense of unity,mutual understanding and emotional closeness. For me it's " I get you. I really get you". Being totally in tune with eachother. If that's not felt by one party, can they fake it? This is a good question. I think the answer is "yes" and "no." Yes in the sense that a person can fake anything. We have a tremendous capacity to do things to get by - even to the point of believing unbelievable fictions if necessary. So one or both partners can, in theory, fake their connection. It is questionable to me however to what extent faking makes any difference if you do not have a willing also faking it partner. Even if you do, truth will out, and one or both of you will eventually realize that its all a lie. So, no in the sense that eventually it is all exposed as a sham anyway. |
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Post by doneanddone on May 4, 2017 11:06:56 GMT -5
In a discussion about intimacy I asked " can intimacy be faked? ". Rather than hijack the thread, I'm asking it here. To be clear I'm not referring to kisses and cuddles and caresses. I'm referring to that connnection on a certain level. That sense of unity,mutual understanding and emotional closeness. For me it's " I get you. I really get you". Being totally in tune with eachother. If that's not felt by one party, can they fake it? As a few have already pointed out anything can be faked if the receiving party is believing the deceitful. I can call a liar a mile away so, it's a trait of the nature of my background and military training. Too easy to tell when someone is making something up but very difficult when that someone is your wife or husband because you want to believe in them and what they say or do. If you asked me if I thought my wife was faking intimacy or faking that she wants a specific type of intimacy and I am not providing that and that is a cause for our SM, I'd have a difficult time answering that because she says one thing and does another some of the time but not consistent enough for me to believe yet she might be faking it. |
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Post by h on May 4, 2017 11:08:33 GMT -5
In a discussion about intimacy I asked " can intimacy be faked? ". Rather than hijack the thread, I'm asking it here. To be clear I'm not referring to kisses and cuddles and caresses. I'm referring to that connnection on a certain level. That sense of unity,mutual understanding and emotional closeness. For me it's " I get you. I really get you". Being totally in tune with eachother. If that's not felt by one party, can they fake it? This is a good question. I think the answer is "yes" and "no." Yes in the sense that a person can fake anything. We have a tremendous capacity to do things to get by - even to the point of believing unbelievable fictions if necessary. So one or both partners can, in theory, fake their connection. It is questionable to me however to what extent faking makes any difference if you do not have a willing also faking it partner. Even if you do, truth will out, and one or both of you will eventually realize that its all a lie. So, no in the sense that eventually it is all exposed as a sham anyway. Agreed. I think that intimacy can be faked but only if the faker's partner is ignoring the signs or oblivious. Speaking as a former oblivious sign ignoring person... |
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Post by snowman12345 on May 4, 2017 17:46:58 GMT -5
When my W and I had our first big blow up (make that "The Talk") I had said how shitty it was to want someone and be lying next to them and know they don't want you. She asked "What do you want me to do? Fake it?" I thought to myself - "Well, you can't very well do that now can you?" The BS detector had been up and running for a few months by that time and the reset sex went on for about a month and that too died. Now, I just don't care one way or another. I will just live my life without her as I have been. We intersect around the grandkids and not much else.
We had another blow up last night, not about sex but pretty much me being sick of her martyr attitude. I guess I didn't realize she was the only one making sacrifices for our family. I said I guess I should leave then if I am so unhelpful. She of course said that wouldn't help anything. No speakee to each other since then. The quiet is kind of nice.
No, there is no faking it. |
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 4, 2017 19:13:13 GMT -5
I don't know. Don't sociopaths fake it all the time? Isn't that how they manage in relationships. Because they don't actually feel empathy but learn social cues and learn how to fake it?
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Post by greatcoastal on May 4, 2017 19:58:43 GMT -5
In a discussion about intimacy I asked " can intimacy be faked? ". Rather than hijack the thread, I'm asking it here. To be clear I'm not referring to kisses and cuddles and caresses. I'm referring to that connnection on a certain level. That sense of unity,mutual understanding and emotional closeness. For me it's " I get you. I really get you". Being totally in tune with eachother. If that's not felt by one party, can they fake it? I tried. I really, really did, figuring the "fake it till you make it" approach might help make things better. If anything, it made them worse. Then again, a big part of our problem was that she never really fully "got me" to begin with, and honestly, I never, ever understood her brand of, "I'm an introvert, I want to be around you, but at a distance" that she tried again and again to explain to me. Okay.....(speaking for myself here) How much of the "fake it till you make it" approach, was just me caving, in the name of giving? Beginning to have doubts that "maybe my needs are excessive?, Maybe not everyone desires sex and intimacy like I do?" Perhaps my "fake happiness" was times filled with doubt. So here I was thinking "I'm giving to you, I really want you to realize that I am taking the lead and being open and vulnerable". In return was the cautious "I'm not ready yet, I need more time, Lets wait and see, things aren't good enough yet".... back to the jumping through hoops. |
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Post by cagedtiger on May 4, 2017 20:18:02 GMT -5
I tried. I really, really did, figuring the "fake it till you make it" approach might help make things better. If anything, it made them worse. Then again, a big part of our problem was that she never really fully "got me" to begin with, and honestly, I never, ever understood her brand of, "I'm an introvert, I want to be around you, but at a distance" that she tried again and again to explain to me. Okay.....(speaking for myself here) How much of the "fake it till you make it" approach, was just me caving, in the name of giving? Beginning to have doubts that "maybe my needs are excessive?, Maybe not everyone desires sex and intimacy like I do?" Perhaps my "fake happiness" was times filled with doubt. So here I was thinking "I'm giving to you, I really want you to realize that I am taking the lead and being open and vulnerable". In return was the cautious "I'm not ready yet, I need more time, Lets wait and see, things aren't good enough yet".... back to the jumping through hoops. Yep, you pretty much nailed where I was. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 4, 2017 20:28:41 GMT -5
Okay.....(speaking for myself here) How much of the "fake it till you make it" approach, was just me caving, in the name of giving? Beginning to have doubts that "maybe my needs are excessive?, Maybe not everyone desires sex and intimacy like I do?" Perhaps my "fake happiness" was times filled with doubt. So here I was thinking "I'm giving to you, I really want you to realize that I am taking the lead and being open and vulnerable". In return was the cautious "I'm not ready yet, I need more time, Lets wait and see, things aren't good enough yet".... back to the jumping through hoops. Yep, you pretty much nailed where I was. Thanks friend! Yea... I also had thoughts of" maybe my expectations where too high, from previous experience? There's so much more to life than just sex and intimacy? We do seem to agree on many other things? Give it more time". Not even aware that I was being, controlled and manipulated. That the frame work for years of continuous chipping away at my self identity was happening. |
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Post by baza on May 4, 2017 20:42:07 GMT -5
Can intimacy be faked ?
The overwhelming evidence in this group says that the answer is "yes" - at least short term.
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Post by merrygoround on May 5, 2017 0:31:44 GMT -5
I can't fake anything. I can be read like a book, apparently. I've tried desperately in the past to keep the status quo, to act "happy' when unhappy and put on a front. Now it's impossible for me. I know he's questioning why I am distant, why I haven't reverted back during this facade to being affectionate in other ways. Sick of putting on an act anymore. So, simply - I won't.
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Post by dinnaken on May 5, 2017 1:07:58 GMT -5
I'm pretty transparent too but I took the view why should I bother? Any attempt at intimacy, faked or otherwise, never got me anywhere...
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Post by nolongerlonely on May 5, 2017 3:59:57 GMT -5
I cant fake it either. Everything is gone like that between us, when theres a soppy or intimate moment on a tv program or film, I worry that its so completely obvious that I just dont have those feelings any more, just because of the long term rejection physically. Although friends never see it, so maybe I am good at giving the 'right' impression. Either that or they are just polite or dont want to get involved.
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Post by McRoomMate on May 5, 2017 4:45:04 GMT -5
Well , I just tried this "EXPERIMENT" the past week-end.
And I was transparent about it. I told my W that the passion and feeling were not so much there, but I was staying to the "next right thing" and that over time, I could learn to love again and we could "fake it until we make it".
She responded (short form) that I was "dead" to her and no more contact. Finished / game over.
I had spent hours researching "Learn to Love Again" and "Love is an Action not an Emotion" and how to "Rekindle the Spark". I figured we had spent 15 years together and so worth a freaking try. I discussed this with friends and family members as well. I was encouraged and had some hope about this succeeding but felt bad inside almost depressed considering to undergo this "treatment."
She wanted it all back right away and had no patience for this uncertain experiment and did not buy it for a second. I truly was acting in good faith to see if it worked over time.
The Big Unknown is long term can Action create / re-create the love / affection gone by. I suppose theoritically yes but it is a gamble.
Anecdotally, I have a friend who actually divorced his wife after a turbulent marriage ( cheating, alcoholism, disfunction on both sides etc.) and now 10 years later he says he and his wife have fallen in love again. So I have at least that concrete example to share.
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