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Post by h on May 5, 2017 5:19:11 GMT -5
I just realized that there are 2 types of faking intimacy. Faking it to your partner is hard to do for many reasons discussed above. The other kind is faking intimacy for others as in public. That one is easy. I had a lifetime of training in that. My parents hardly ever got along with each other but as far as anyone knew, it was a perfect marriage with no issues right up until their divorce. I have been faking intimacy in public for almost a decade.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 6:25:09 GMT -5
I just realized that there are 2 types of faking intimacy. Faking it to your partner is hard to do for many reasons discussed above. The other kind is faking intimacy for others as in public. That one is easy. I had a lifetime of training in that. My parents hardly ever got along with each other but as far as anyone knew, it was a perfect marriage with no issues right up until their divorce. I have been faking intimacy in public for almost a decade. My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 5, 2017 7:07:18 GMT -5
I just realized that there are 2 types of faking intimacy. Faking it to your partner is hard to do for many reasons discussed above. The other kind is faking intimacy for others as in public. That one is easy. I had a lifetime of training in that. My parents hardly ever got along with each other but as far as anyone knew, it was a perfect marriage with no issues right up until their divorce. I have been faking intimacy in public for almost a decade. How many of us went through that with our parents? My friends would all tell me "your mom is so fun! Your mom is the nicest, sweetest person!" I would look at them and say, " really....You don't have to live with her!" Mom was bi-polar and had some pretty scary mood swings on top of her "I'm right your wrong, end of discussion" attitudes. Dad stayed in his cave. Do you find that you now see right through the facade of how other couples treat each other? I walk around our neighborhood on gorgeous nights. Our tree lined streets, 1/2 mile from the ocean, and I see no one. When I do see anyone they are alone, on their computer, watching tv, walking the dog, raking leaves, running the kids places, alone. When you do manage to speak to a married couple together, one does most of the talking, or you get a short cold response and they would rather remain quiet. |
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Post by h on May 5, 2017 7:10:39 GMT -5
I just realized that there are 2 types of faking intimacy. Faking it to your partner is hard to do for many reasons discussed above. The other kind is faking intimacy for others as in public. That one is easy. I had a lifetime of training in that. My parents hardly ever got along with each other but as far as anyone knew, it was a perfect marriage with no issues right up until their divorce. I have been faking intimacy in public for almost a decade. My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship. Problem for me is that I spent so much time and effort trying to make "us" work, my relationships with other people have faded away. I never felt close with my own family anyway for a multitude of reasons. The few friends that I had before I got married have moved on with their own lives. They all have families of their own and I haven't been in touch with most of them in years. Notice how I word this: OUR friends are the only friends WE ever see anymore and they only know us as an "us". I'm going to have to relearn how to make friends all over again. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 5, 2017 7:28:13 GMT -5
My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship. Problem for me is that I spent so much time and effort trying to make "us" work, my relationships with other people have faded away. I never felt close with my own family anyway for a multitude of reasons. The few friends that I had before I got married have moved on with their own lives. They all have families of their own and I haven't been in touch with most of them in years. Notice how I word this: OUR friends are the only friends WE ever see anymore and they only know us as an "us". I'm going to have to relearn how to make friends all over again. Recently I have had to be bolder, more out going, almost complaining to some of the other men my age that I know. I have said, "other guys say, lets get together sometime", but when it's 6;30 pm, the evening is young and your wondering who you could do anything with ( meanwhile my STBX has already put on her pajamas and ihas crashed in front of a screen for the rest of the night) ,you think of your married friends. It occurs to you, they are at the dinner table, they just got home they are busy. Amazingly when I say that, they tell me " I would love to get out of the house, and get away". I have found that as a soon to be single guy, I can still go out with other married couples, and the three of us can have some really lively conversations! I am no longer so paranoid about "what my wife thinks". Or not getting a word in because she can, multi-task speak about so many things, without really saying much at all. |
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Post by WindSister on May 5, 2017 7:59:20 GMT -5
The actions of intimacy can be faked but the actual feeling of being connected cannot. Can the actions lead to the actual connection? I think as long as the relationship isn't dead, sure. But if something is dead - it's dead.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 8:12:18 GMT -5
My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship. Problem for me is that I spent so much time and effort trying to make "us" work, my relationships with other people have faded away. I never felt close with my own family anyway for a multitude of reasons. The few friends that I had before I got married have moved on with their own lives. They all have families of their own and I haven't been in touch with most of them in years. Notice how I word this: OUR friends are the only friends WE ever see anymore and they only know us as an "us". I'm going to have to relearn how to make friends all over again. I understand completely - I went through a lot of this as well. I was extremely lucky that my closest friends sensed that things were at least slightly amiss, and when I reached out to reinitiate contact, they were only too happy to bring me back into their lives. I'd say try reaching out - you might be pleasantly surprised. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 5, 2017 8:28:46 GMT -5
I just realized that there are 2 types of faking intimacy. Faking it to your partner is hard to do for many reasons discussed above. The other kind is faking intimacy for others as in public. That one is easy. I had a lifetime of training in that. My parents hardly ever got along with each other but as far as anyone knew, it was a perfect marriage with no issues right up until their divorce. I have been faking intimacy in public for almost a decade. My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship. I just recalled the other day that years ago a friend (whom i lost as an indirect result of pursuing my partner) told me to beware this woman because she is a cold bitch. More than twenty years later, i don't have any friends and i don't even know who i am because i decided to bury my life in a relationship with this woman. I wouldn't listen and it basically cost me everything. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 5, 2017 8:43:22 GMT -5
My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship. I just recalled the other day that years ago a friend (whom i lost as an indirect result of pursuing my partner) told me to beware this woman because she is a cold bitch. More than twenty years later, i don't have any friends and i don't even know who i am because i decided to bury my life in a relationship with this woman. I wouldn't listen and it basically cost me everything. Hindsight is 20/20 and love is blind. Don't beat yourself up about it. |
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Post by shamwow on May 5, 2017 12:41:27 GMT -5
My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship. Problem for me is that I spent so much time and effort trying to make "us" work, my relationships with other people have faded away. I never felt close with my own family anyway for a multitude of reasons. The few friends that I had before I got married have moved on with their own lives. They all have families of their own and I haven't been in touch with most of them in years. Notice how I word this: OUR friends are the only friends WE ever see anymore and they only know us as an "us". I'm going to have to relearn how to make friends all over again. Ironically, I have the opposite problem. Outside of neighbors and the parents of our kid's friends, we really don't have any "us" friends. While in some ways, that makes it easier that nobody has to "choose sides", but it should have also been a HUGE red flag along the way in retrospect. Now that the countdown is down to 52 days, we each just talk with our same circle of friends. With some neighbors, it's business as usual. With a couple others we (or at least I) am getting the "divorce cold shoulder" as though it is contagious. As far as kid's friend's parents, it really doesn't matter other than when I've got one of their kids, it's me starting to reach out directly to them rather than going through my wife. I will say, though, that my circle of friends did atrophy over the years. My circle of female friends essentially went extinct. I'm slowly trying to rebuild those bridges, and for the most part, friends are understanding being along the lines of "dude, I get it, you got married". The way the custody arrangements will work, I will have them 1st 3rd and 5th of each month from Thursday after school to get them back to school on Monday. I'll also have them on Thursday on "her" weeks. It basically works out to a little more than a third of the time. I'll have lots of time to rebuild those bridges and really look forward to spending all of my time in the company of those I have fun with (my kids, my friends, and my family). |
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Post by shamwow on May 5, 2017 12:44:23 GMT -5
My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship. I just recalled the other day that years ago a friend (whom i lost as an indirect result of pursuing my partner) told me to beware this woman because she is a cold bitch. More than twenty years later, i don't have any friends and i don't even know who i am because i decided to bury my life in a relationship with this woman. I wouldn't listen and it basically cost me everything. It's kind of natural to bury your life in a relationship with your spouse. It's actually the entire point. Mine isn't a cold bitch. She's actually a good person, just a total mis-match as a wife. But in the end it's the same result. Starting over and trying to rekindle lost friendships. |
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Post by doneanddone on May 5, 2017 13:56:17 GMT -5
I just recalled the other day that years ago a friend (whom i lost as an indirect result of pursuing my partner) told me to beware this woman because she is a cold bitch. More than twenty years later, i don't have any friends and i don't even know who i am because i decided to bury my life in a relationship with this woman. I wouldn't listen and it basically cost me everything. It's kind of natural to bury your life in a relationship with your spouse. It's actually the entire point. Mine isn't a cold bitch. She's actually a good person, just a total mis-match as a wife. But in the end it's the same result. Starting over and trying to rekindle lost friendships. "Just a total mis-match as a wife" Can I steal that one......? I wanna make a t-shirt with an arrow pointing to which ever side she is standing beside me and wear it everyday..... |
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Post by shamwow on May 5, 2017 13:58:44 GMT -5
It's kind of natural to bury your life in a relationship with your spouse. It's actually the entire point. Mine isn't a cold bitch. She's actually a good person, just a total mis-match as a wife. But in the end it's the same result. Starting over and trying to rekindle lost friendships. "Just a total mis-match as a wife" Can I steal that one......? I wanna make a t-shirt with an arrow pointing to which ever side she is standing beside me and wear it everyday..... Of course you may. As a matter of fact it would probably be better than a shirt saying "ice cold bitch" with an arrow. That could be considered rude. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 6, 2017 2:22:24 GMT -5
Perhaps, but that would be too tiring. Instead of faking, it would be better to make an effort to have more.
My wife's best friend doesn't have sex with her h any more but she gives a hand job at times. One hand for him while the other hand is busy on her phone. There is no faking intimacy. And unfortunately no effort to build it. They're probably on the college plan.
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