"The Overwhelming Advise is to Cheat or Leave."
May 3, 2017 10:07:06 GMT -5
Dan, warmways, and 22 more like this
Post by WindSister on May 3, 2017 10:07:06 GMT -5
Had to share another classic by Enna. I am also providing the link as the comments can sometimes be just as helpful/insightful for some.
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/3661509
DJKLakdj
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/3661509
"The Overwhelming Advice Is To Cheat Or Leave" This story was written in response to a statement in a recent post. That statement is:
"The overwhelming advice is to cheat or leave".
What it comes down to is this:
when you reach the point where you can no longer tolerate being in a sexless relationship, then you will seriously consider leaving. Until that point is reached you will be exactly like the rest of us - trying to make it work. Most of us remain in our sexless marriages for many years (decades in many instances) trying to make our relationships work - with or without sex.
At some point many of us come to the following conclusions:
1) there is a fundamental issue of equity, trust and love at the heart of this situation. If your spouse refuses to have sex with you and you have not reached this decision by mutual agreement, then he/she is holding you hostage to his/her version of marriage. It is not one you signed up for. It is not one you agreed to. It is not a decision that makes you happy. It is not part of the agreed covenant of marriage. It is a personal decision, made AND implemented by your spouse alone.
All of this highlights the fact that your spouse has put his/herself as the priority in what should be a MUTUAL relationship. How do you continue to trust and to love someone who prioritises him/herself above their partner at all times? How do you trust and love someone who, in effect, says to you every day of your life "Your needs are not important to me"?
How can you feel you are truly equal in a relationship where you have no say in something as crucial; and personal as your intimate life?
2) once you start really thinking about this, you may become aware that your spouse is controlling in other ways. He/she may be controlling of money, of decision making, of your combined social life - or any other factors in your life.
Often this is hard to see because your spouse APPEARS to be cooperative about your decisions on many occasions. If you study this closely you will see that this is because those decisions do NOT impact on him/her. For example: He is quite happy for you to meet your girlfriends for coffee - but he is reluctant to take you to dinner when you want to go out. She is happy to cook you your favourite meal - but she will not agree to you inviting friends around.
When you look closely at this, you may find other instances that reflect this control - such as: he buys you expensive gifts - but does not agree to the purchase of something you actually want. She insists on entertaining your friends - but acts as a martyr to ensure you know just how much EFFORT she is going to.
3) as for sex, you come to gradually realise that it is not just intercourse that is missing from the menu. Very often it is hand-holding, kissing, hugging, tender talking to each other - all sorts of intimate connections have been replaced by mundane interactions. These mundane interactions are fine - for room-mates. But the absence of intimacy and closeness takes a severe toll on a marriage.
You start realising that he/she is actually uncomfortable with intimacy. The kisses resemble those your aunt gives you. Hand-holding is seen as "not appropriate" - both in public and in private. Your chances of cuddling on the couch have disappeared because you each sit in your "own" chair . . . .
Any attempt by you to talk about the issue is ignored, deflected or raises your spouse's ire.
4) at this stage, you start earnestly seeking the “why” for this situation. Is he gay? Was she sexually abused as a child? Are you not skinny enough? Pretty enough? Wealthy enough? Is your penis too short? Are you not exciting enough between the sheets? You explore all sorts of possible remedies. Some of these verge on the ridiculous and others may be well outside your comfort zone. But your zeal to “fix” things knows no bounds – so you valiantly try everything you can think of.
To no avail. And your spouse will not or cannot tell you what is “wrong”. Often, the response from the Refuser spouse is violent anger or cold and deliberate silence.
5) because you are NOT the “sort of person who gives up too easily”, you decide to “make the best of it”. You decide it is “only sex” and that you can and will live without it. You become very involved in anything and everything that can distract you from what is missing in your private life. Work becomes all consuming. You might decide to do that deferred degree too . . . . If you are a parent, you become very involved in your children's lives. Your preferred sports or hobbies become spheres of excellence in your life because you devote so much time to them. Or you are a wonderful community member- giving so freely of your time and energy to the community.
6) unfortunately, the absence of sex and of intimacy is a need we cannot (in most cases) successfully deny forever. Once in a while we explode with our spouses about the subject. Our spouses will then have sex with us (reset sex) and promise to "try harder" in the future. Because we yearn for this to be true we readily accept this - even when time and again it fails to happen. And we overlook the fact that it should NOT be necessary, in a healthy marriage, to have to "try harder" to be intimate with one's spouse!!
So we go back to "coping" and gradually become disillusioned all over again.
7) at some point in our lives we begin to recognise the true reality of our situation. We understand that we are NEVER again going to have intimacy (not "just sex") with another person. That our spouse has chosen for us. That our spouse has unilaterally decided that we will never experience the true joys of marriage.
At this point many of think: "Well, if I could just have sex in my life, I could stay in this marriage." And that is when we begin to think of outsourcing. Some of us actually do outsource. And it can be a successful option for some people - but it does not often fulfill the fundamental NEED that is missing from our lives.
Because this is NOT "just about sex". It is about a loving, respectful equal relationship that is characterised by intimacy. That is what a marriage should be.
Outsourcing often HIGHLIGHTS this absence more than anything else could.
8) so, we have finally reached the point where we realise that this is NOT "just about sex". That we are living a lie. That we have been coerced into a life NOT of our choosing. That our marriage is dysfunctional at its core - no matter how it might look on the surface.
Many of us take a LONG time to work through the journey to this point. It is common to read here on ILIASM about people who took two, three or even four decades of marriage before they could finally admit this truth to themselves.
9) once we recognise and accept the reality of our situations, it becomes our decision what to do. Many choose to stay - and each person has his/her own reasons for this. No-one here will criticise anyone who makes a genuine CHOICE to stay. ILIASMers will challenge posters to think very carefully before making ANY decision - but especially the one "to stay". Because many of us know the toll that living against our basic needs takes on us.
When you choose to stay (as opposed to the earlier stages, where essentially, you are still in the "denial" or "bargaining" phases) you decide to live the rest of your life in a way that is NOT fulfilling your normal and natural needs. This can lead to ill health - physical and / or mental. It can lead to feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, hopelessness and other emotions that negatively impact not only you - but your spouse as well. It can negatively impact others in the family - such as your children.
These feelings are not easily denied or suppressed. You cannot "refuse" to acknowledge these feelings - they will not abate or disappear just because they are inconvenient . . . . .
10) ultimately, some of us decide to do the one thing we have most been dreading and trying to avoid. We leave. We recognise that it takes courage, strength of will, energy and many other qualities to do this - and we sincerely doubt our own ability to achieve this outcome. But we do find the strength from somewhere. . .
The leaving is almost always the hardest thing we have ever done - or certainly one of the hardest. Not only have we needed to reverse our own thinking but we have to turn our backs on everything we have tried to do for years. We have to give up on a dream. We have to leave someone we love. We have to make a new life for ourselves - often at a time in our lives when we would normally expect to be reaping the benefits of our earlier years of effort.
We face criticism and condemnation from friends and family. We usually refrain from publicising our spouse's inadequacies to the world at large, so many people we know are bewildered by our choice to leave our "perfect" marriages.
We suffer enormous guilt over “breaking up the family” – a guilt many Refuser spouses are only too happy to capitalise on.
The view from beyond:
Once we have left we almost all realise it was the best decision for ourselves – and probably for others in our family too.
We recognise increasingly that we did not leave our marriages over “just sex” – that sex was a symptom of the dysfunction, not the cause.
We understand that what might look to others like the “easy way” is actually the hardest thing we have ever done. But that we would do it again, because it was NECESSARY for us to live our lives.
We go forward with hope in our hearts – although the future is terrifying in many ways. But we know that THIS time, we will craft our own future and not be confined to the future someone else has imposed on us against our will.
Pain and regret are never entirely absent. We grieve the “what might have beens”. We wish our spouses could have at least TRIED to meet us half-way. We wish we did not have to suffer so deeply in order to have what seems to the birth-right of others – a healthy future. We deeply regret the effects on our children - both of staying and of leaving.
Above all we recognise that we only have ONE life – and we must live as our authentic selves if that life is to have any genuine meaning.
"The overwhelming advice is to cheat or leave".
What it comes down to is this:
when you reach the point where you can no longer tolerate being in a sexless relationship, then you will seriously consider leaving. Until that point is reached you will be exactly like the rest of us - trying to make it work. Most of us remain in our sexless marriages for many years (decades in many instances) trying to make our relationships work - with or without sex.
At some point many of us come to the following conclusions:
1) there is a fundamental issue of equity, trust and love at the heart of this situation. If your spouse refuses to have sex with you and you have not reached this decision by mutual agreement, then he/she is holding you hostage to his/her version of marriage. It is not one you signed up for. It is not one you agreed to. It is not a decision that makes you happy. It is not part of the agreed covenant of marriage. It is a personal decision, made AND implemented by your spouse alone.
All of this highlights the fact that your spouse has put his/herself as the priority in what should be a MUTUAL relationship. How do you continue to trust and to love someone who prioritises him/herself above their partner at all times? How do you trust and love someone who, in effect, says to you every day of your life "Your needs are not important to me"?
How can you feel you are truly equal in a relationship where you have no say in something as crucial; and personal as your intimate life?
2) once you start really thinking about this, you may become aware that your spouse is controlling in other ways. He/she may be controlling of money, of decision making, of your combined social life - or any other factors in your life.
Often this is hard to see because your spouse APPEARS to be cooperative about your decisions on many occasions. If you study this closely you will see that this is because those decisions do NOT impact on him/her. For example: He is quite happy for you to meet your girlfriends for coffee - but he is reluctant to take you to dinner when you want to go out. She is happy to cook you your favourite meal - but she will not agree to you inviting friends around.
When you look closely at this, you may find other instances that reflect this control - such as: he buys you expensive gifts - but does not agree to the purchase of something you actually want. She insists on entertaining your friends - but acts as a martyr to ensure you know just how much EFFORT she is going to.
3) as for sex, you come to gradually realise that it is not just intercourse that is missing from the menu. Very often it is hand-holding, kissing, hugging, tender talking to each other - all sorts of intimate connections have been replaced by mundane interactions. These mundane interactions are fine - for room-mates. But the absence of intimacy and closeness takes a severe toll on a marriage.
You start realising that he/she is actually uncomfortable with intimacy. The kisses resemble those your aunt gives you. Hand-holding is seen as "not appropriate" - both in public and in private. Your chances of cuddling on the couch have disappeared because you each sit in your "own" chair . . . .
Any attempt by you to talk about the issue is ignored, deflected or raises your spouse's ire.
4) at this stage, you start earnestly seeking the “why” for this situation. Is he gay? Was she sexually abused as a child? Are you not skinny enough? Pretty enough? Wealthy enough? Is your penis too short? Are you not exciting enough between the sheets? You explore all sorts of possible remedies. Some of these verge on the ridiculous and others may be well outside your comfort zone. But your zeal to “fix” things knows no bounds – so you valiantly try everything you can think of.
To no avail. And your spouse will not or cannot tell you what is “wrong”. Often, the response from the Refuser spouse is violent anger or cold and deliberate silence.
5) because you are NOT the “sort of person who gives up too easily”, you decide to “make the best of it”. You decide it is “only sex” and that you can and will live without it. You become very involved in anything and everything that can distract you from what is missing in your private life. Work becomes all consuming. You might decide to do that deferred degree too . . . . If you are a parent, you become very involved in your children's lives. Your preferred sports or hobbies become spheres of excellence in your life because you devote so much time to them. Or you are a wonderful community member- giving so freely of your time and energy to the community.
6) unfortunately, the absence of sex and of intimacy is a need we cannot (in most cases) successfully deny forever. Once in a while we explode with our spouses about the subject. Our spouses will then have sex with us (reset sex) and promise to "try harder" in the future. Because we yearn for this to be true we readily accept this - even when time and again it fails to happen. And we overlook the fact that it should NOT be necessary, in a healthy marriage, to have to "try harder" to be intimate with one's spouse!!
So we go back to "coping" and gradually become disillusioned all over again.
7) at some point in our lives we begin to recognise the true reality of our situation. We understand that we are NEVER again going to have intimacy (not "just sex") with another person. That our spouse has chosen for us. That our spouse has unilaterally decided that we will never experience the true joys of marriage.
At this point many of think: "Well, if I could just have sex in my life, I could stay in this marriage." And that is when we begin to think of outsourcing. Some of us actually do outsource. And it can be a successful option for some people - but it does not often fulfill the fundamental NEED that is missing from our lives.
Because this is NOT "just about sex". It is about a loving, respectful equal relationship that is characterised by intimacy. That is what a marriage should be.
Outsourcing often HIGHLIGHTS this absence more than anything else could.
8) so, we have finally reached the point where we realise that this is NOT "just about sex". That we are living a lie. That we have been coerced into a life NOT of our choosing. That our marriage is dysfunctional at its core - no matter how it might look on the surface.
Many of us take a LONG time to work through the journey to this point. It is common to read here on ILIASM about people who took two, three or even four decades of marriage before they could finally admit this truth to themselves.
9) once we recognise and accept the reality of our situations, it becomes our decision what to do. Many choose to stay - and each person has his/her own reasons for this. No-one here will criticise anyone who makes a genuine CHOICE to stay. ILIASMers will challenge posters to think very carefully before making ANY decision - but especially the one "to stay". Because many of us know the toll that living against our basic needs takes on us.
When you choose to stay (as opposed to the earlier stages, where essentially, you are still in the "denial" or "bargaining" phases) you decide to live the rest of your life in a way that is NOT fulfilling your normal and natural needs. This can lead to ill health - physical and / or mental. It can lead to feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, hopelessness and other emotions that negatively impact not only you - but your spouse as well. It can negatively impact others in the family - such as your children.
These feelings are not easily denied or suppressed. You cannot "refuse" to acknowledge these feelings - they will not abate or disappear just because they are inconvenient . . . . .
10) ultimately, some of us decide to do the one thing we have most been dreading and trying to avoid. We leave. We recognise that it takes courage, strength of will, energy and many other qualities to do this - and we sincerely doubt our own ability to achieve this outcome. But we do find the strength from somewhere. . .
The leaving is almost always the hardest thing we have ever done - or certainly one of the hardest. Not only have we needed to reverse our own thinking but we have to turn our backs on everything we have tried to do for years. We have to give up on a dream. We have to leave someone we love. We have to make a new life for ourselves - often at a time in our lives when we would normally expect to be reaping the benefits of our earlier years of effort.
We face criticism and condemnation from friends and family. We usually refrain from publicising our spouse's inadequacies to the world at large, so many people we know are bewildered by our choice to leave our "perfect" marriages.
We suffer enormous guilt over “breaking up the family” – a guilt many Refuser spouses are only too happy to capitalise on.
The view from beyond:
Once we have left we almost all realise it was the best decision for ourselves – and probably for others in our family too.
We recognise increasingly that we did not leave our marriages over “just sex” – that sex was a symptom of the dysfunction, not the cause.
We understand that what might look to others like the “easy way” is actually the hardest thing we have ever done. But that we would do it again, because it was NECESSARY for us to live our lives.
We go forward with hope in our hearts – although the future is terrifying in many ways. But we know that THIS time, we will craft our own future and not be confined to the future someone else has imposed on us against our will.
Pain and regret are never entirely absent. We grieve the “what might have beens”. We wish our spouses could have at least TRIED to meet us half-way. We wish we did not have to suffer so deeply in order to have what seems to the birth-right of others – a healthy future. We deeply regret the effects on our children - both of staying and of leaving.
Above all we recognise that we only have ONE life – and we must live as our authentic selves if that life is to have any genuine meaning.
DJKLakdj
