Damn, that hit home as every word of it applies to me and the last two decades of my life. Jet city, I totally get your reluctance to let go of the ‘forever’ dream, this is also a contributory factor holding me back from instigating change. Even though I know that things won’t change now.
When my wife and I started dating, I would sometimes have this romantic vision of both of us in our 80’s, sitting together on the front porch, happy and content with our lives. Having to slowly give up on those dreams is a crushing feeling. Thinking the woman I love so much might not be there with me at the end makes me very sad. Even now I feel we are becoming more like room mates. Would leaving my wife for 20 possible years of a relationship with sex involved be worth it?am I really that unhappy? God I’m so confused.
It is as well to keep in mind Brother jetcity , that the choice is NOT - "Would leaving my wife for 20 possible years of a relationship with sex involved be worth it?" The case to leave has to stand up all by itself, because beyond that, you are guaranteed precisely nothing.....there might be a further relationship(s) in your future, or there might not. The quality of such a relationship(s) might be great, or maybe not.
If the case to leave dores NOT stand up by itself (that is to say, you seeing dealing with the problems of being a single bloke as preferable to dealing with the problems of being in an ILIASM situation) then it is questionable whether the leaving choice is such a great idea.
Leaving WILL fix the problem of being in an ILIASM deal - that's guaranteed. But with that comes a brand new set of problems you - as a single bloke - have to address.
It really comes down to "which" set of problems you'd sooner have.
"The Overwhelming Advice Is To Cheat Or Leave" This story was written in response to a statement in a recent post. That statement is:
...At this point many of think: "Well, if I could just have sex in my life, I could stay in this marriage." And that is when we begin to think of outsourcing. Some of us actually do outsource. And it can be a successful option for some people - but it does not often fulfill the fundamental NEED that is missing from our lives.
Because this is NOT "just about sex". It is about a loving, respectful equal relationship that is characterised by intimacy. That is what a marriage should be.
Outsourcing often HIGHLIGHTS this absence more than anything else could.
8) so, we have finally reached the point where we realise that this is NOT "just about sex". That we are living a lie. ...
Anyone who reads more than a few of my posts will learn of my puzzlement why open marriages aren't considered more often. When confronted about my dating, I admitted it and explained that I was not going to be celibate. Leave if you want, but that's on you.
December 2019, my wife reset hard and our life is no longer sexless, but this portion of the post was disturbing.
When I resolved to start dating, I had to reset myself because I needed to make sure she felt wanted and needed. We kiss passionately, but I'm the one initiating. She will ask for a kiss goodbye and it is a spouse kiss, not the auntie kiss, but it's always the kiss goodbye in the morning.
This may be an old habit of hers. Fearing lively kisses would make me ask for sex. I'll point it out. She's been seeing a therapist and I think that's what made her reset. She initiates sex at a less than optimal frequency, but she's engaged when she does. That's pretty big.
Still, she is not inspired to romantic love. In the event I start to outsource again, spontaneous soul-sharing kisses from a new lover may be exceptionally dangerous to our union. The soft, lingering kisses my wife and I enjoy may pale by comparison to hungry, consuming wanton seizing of my face by a new lover. It's a frightful vision of bliss. (credit to Apocrypha for saying as much, but this EP post crystallized what he was talking about for me)
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: Just attended a lecture on local history. Apparently the Presbyterian Scottish refugees who settled here called a 'frolic', what the Amish would call a 'barn raising'. First a working bee, then dancing and feasting.
Mar 25, 2021 22:43:53 GMT -5
jerri: Pressing the like sign for all those comments.
Mar 26, 2021 15:04:52 GMT -5
worksforme2: Lucked onto a great new source for breaking news----The Babylon Bee
Mar 28, 2021 12:47:45 GMT -5
catlover: The resentment is running high today
Mar 28, 2021 18:39:08 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Sorry, dude. I think resentment has been the fuel for action in some SMs. It can be part of a process, eventually helpful.
Mar 30, 2021 4:43:40 GMT -5
Handy: I just read "The Babylon Bee" article "Blockage Cleared, Ships Moving At Record Speed As Chick-Fil-A Workers Put In Charge Of Suez Canal." Good humor.
Mar 30, 2021 16:49:51 GMT -5
worksforme2: Freezing temps in the morning for the next 3 days= no peaches in the fall for me unless I buy them,... 2 yrs in a row...growing my own fruit has proven to be a losing proposition
Apr 1, 2021 16:32:30 GMT -5
Handy: Meet the Feebles=weird!
Apr 1, 2021 18:22:06 GMT -5
jerri: Lots of interesting comments. I am way behind. Sending hugs and a kiss on the cheek💋
Apr 8, 2021 0:11:19 GMT -5
roy: Hi All, I just joined, at 77. I've been in a sexless marriage for too many years ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:26:32 GMT -5
petrushka: G'day Roy, welcome to the place most of us don't want to be. I am sure you will find lots of interesting personal stories and comments and reactions on the forum. Don't be shy about jumping in to talks ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:47:25 GMT -5