Damn, that hit home as every word of it applies to me and the last two decades of my life. Jet city, I totally get your reluctance to let go of the ‘forever’ dream, this is also a contributory factor holding me back from instigating change. Even though I know that things won’t change now.
When my wife and I started dating, I would sometimes have this romantic vision of both of us in our 80’s, sitting together on the front porch, happy and content with our lives. Having to slowly give up on those dreams is a crushing feeling. Thinking the woman I love so much might not be there with me at the end makes me very sad. Even now I feel we are becoming more like room mates. Would leaving my wife for 20 possible years of a relationship with sex involved be worth it?am I really that unhappy? God I’m so confused.
It is as well to keep in mind Brother jetcity , that the choice is NOT - "Would leaving my wife for 20 possible years of a relationship with sex involved be worth it?" The case to leave has to stand up all by itself, because beyond that, you are guaranteed precisely nothing.....there might be a further relationship(s) in your future, or there might not. The quality of such a relationship(s) might be great, or maybe not.
If the case to leave dores NOT stand up by itself (that is to say, you seeing dealing with the problems of being a single bloke as preferable to dealing with the problems of being in an ILIASM situation) then it is questionable whether the leaving choice is such a great idea.
Leaving WILL fix the problem of being in an ILIASM deal - that's guaranteed. But with that comes a brand new set of problems you - as a single bloke - have to address.
It really comes down to "which" set of problems you'd sooner have.
"The Overwhelming Advice Is To Cheat Or Leave" This story was written in response to a statement in a recent post. That statement is:
...At this point many of think: "Well, if I could just have sex in my life, I could stay in this marriage." And that is when we begin to think of outsourcing. Some of us actually do outsource. And it can be a successful option for some people - but it does not often fulfill the fundamental NEED that is missing from our lives.
Because this is NOT "just about sex". It is about a loving, respectful equal relationship that is characterised by intimacy. That is what a marriage should be.
Outsourcing often HIGHLIGHTS this absence more than anything else could.
8) so, we have finally reached the point where we realise that this is NOT "just about sex". That we are living a lie. ...
Anyone who reads more than a few of my posts will learn of my puzzlement why open marriages aren't considered more often. When confronted about my dating, I admitted it and explained that I was not going to be celibate. Leave if you want, but that's on you.
December 2019, my wife reset hard and our life is no longer sexless, but this portion of the post was disturbing.
When I resolved to start dating, I had to reset myself because I needed to make sure she felt wanted and needed. We kiss passionately, but I'm the one initiating. She will ask for a kiss goodbye and it is a spouse kiss, not the auntie kiss, but it's always the kiss goodbye in the morning.
This may be an old habit of hers. Fearing lively kisses would make me ask for sex. I'll point it out. She's been seeing a therapist and I think that's what made her reset. She initiates sex at a less than optimal frequency, but she's engaged when she does. That's pretty big.
Still, she is not inspired to romantic love. In the event I start to outsource again, spontaneous soul-sharing kisses from a new lover may be exceptionally dangerous to our union. The soft, lingering kisses my wife and I enjoy may pale by comparison to hungry, consuming wanton seizing of my face by a new lover. It's a frightful vision of bliss. (credit to Apocrypha for saying as much, but this EP post crystallized what he was talking about for me)
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
tamara68: @worksforme I think I have to be more careful for all infected people. Most likely I already have Covid19
Apr 1, 2020 3:29:42 GMT -5
worksforme2: tamara68.....it's been a couple weeks since you posted you may have the covid19 virus. hopefully you are feeling better and are on your way to renewed health
Apr 11, 2020 5:31:38 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme thanks, yes I am feeling better. How is it in the USA?
Apr 14, 2020 1:57:26 GMT -5
worksforme2: some better and some worse,..virus seems to be slowing down, but people are beginning to refuse to stay inside,...worst thing I see is Biden leading in the election poles,...but that could be fake news
Apr 20, 2020 16:56:22 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Politics? Is that what we want to happen here?
Apr 21, 2020 6:21:24 GMT -5
petrushka: Certainly not American style politics. Toxic echo chambers.
Apr 23, 2020 16:21:52 GMT -5
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5
worksforme2: 19000 days and nights,....damn dude, that's 52 yrs.
Jun 17, 2020 9:19:10 GMT -5
fred: you're a little short works - was thinking this AM, there has NEVER been a day when she indicated desire for me physically (other than for heavy lifting or finance)........LOL...........earlier, i had enough libido for both of us, now i'm left with guilt
Jun 20, 2020 13:11:12 GMT -5
fred: over imposing myself on her rather than simply leaving .....DAMN LOVE ANYWAY !
Jun 20, 2020 13:12:12 GMT -5
mesulina: update everyone, still has not happened. I have now come to accept that I will live with out. It is just different now.
Jun 29, 2020 19:32:31 GMT -5
worksforme2: Sorry mesulina,... but on the positive side you did stock up on toys a short time back,..now might be the time to go for the gusto
Jun 30, 2020 17:42:54 GMT -5
grower: Embrace a change, you will wonder why you waited so long
Jul 9, 2020 11:22:56 GMT -5
grower: Your life clock is ticking away, don't waste all your time. Live some.
Jul 24, 2020 9:53:20 GMT -5
fred: blue guy, i was where you are 30 years ago. stayed.................nothing changed. if i didn't love this nice lady so much i'd be in deep regret. if she doesn't think of you in a hundred "other" ways (as does my wife) GET OUT ! Life is short
Aug 10, 2020 17:43:15 GMT -5
jerri: Yuk on the plucking chicken feathers. If a chicken doesn't get sex and intimacy she just finds a beautiful cock sooner or later. I'd say there's a much higher "philandering" rate than anyone would care to admit. The rooster who is tormented findsa chicken!
Sept 10, 2020 8:23:56 GMT -5
csl: And yet, there is an entire segment of ILIASM stayers.
Sept 10, 2020 22:04:05 GMT -5
jerri: Exactly I have read multiple threads. I was very impressed with all the different solutions everyone has found. Intellectual group and the camaraderie is nice
Sept 11, 2020 9:44:57 GMT -5