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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 28, 2017 3:35:06 GMT -5
My W and I are now agreed and committed to fixing our Couple (two willing participants). At the heart of the current situation has been a very low lack of intimacy (and likewise SM about once per 6 months). We BOTH are willing now to make efforts to fix it. We both agree that the INTIMACY (and related sex) is at the heart of the healing and re-establishment or even a new couple (call it Marriage version 2.0). We threatened divorce / I moved out. Now we agreed we have not done enough to try to save our couple (not staying together for the kids or financial reasons, etc. it can only be for the couple's sake) and are going to be willing participants in what could be our last attempt before ending our couple. Is there any one out there who has had Success? Failure at attempts? Failure at repeated attempts? Interesting article from Huffington Post on "Get It On or Get Divorced" Link below Notable one marriage expert says a "Sexless Marriage" is not the standard less than 10 times a year but if one spouse simply is not having sex as much as he/she would like (daily, weekly, etc.) - I tend to agree with this definition. www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/sexless-marriage-and-divo_b_868953.html |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 28, 2017 3:52:42 GMT -5
I really don't know, stats show not - but I wish you both well and good luck.
Sadly, not in my case. It depends on the damage that has been done to one or both. So many reasons why it would be good to try and work on things, but when one person has done all that countless times over the years and it has fallen on deaf ears until far too late, then time has come to (hopefully) act with civility and good grace, hold your hands up and declare enough. When you continually try and just repeat the cycle year in and year out. That is what H and I will be doing now - working forward to a calm and civil dissolution of our marriage.
Again, I wish you all the best.x
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Post by baza on Apr 28, 2017 4:06:39 GMT -5
1 in 1,600
That's your odds once your deal has degenerated enough to have you googling "sexless marriage" after you have trialled the assorted scented candles methods of recovery, the date night scenarios etc etc and come up empty.
But don't take my word for it.
Try this exercise. Go back through all the posts in this group (it's been going a year now and has 700 members approx).
Count the ones that HAVE recovered.
Further, count the ones that (in your personal opinion) look like they could recover.
You will find the pickings rather slim.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 28, 2017 4:08:50 GMT -5
Extremely interesting article on an anatomy of a SM marriage viewed from the W's best friend looking in. Here is a quote worth noting. "Over time I came to understand that in divorcing Doug, Bethany did something incredibly brave. She took all the hits for breaking up her family, from her parents, her siblings, her children and her friends, myself included, in order to seek a fuller, more integrated life. In the midst of the divorce, when Bethany had lost twenty pounds and couldn’t sleep and doubted herself, she clung to one simple truth, “I can’t live the rest of my life without passion.” " Article is here: betterafter50.com/2013/02/is-a-sexless-marriage-reason-to-divorce/
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 28, 2017 4:12:32 GMT -5
1 in 1,600 That's your odds once your deal has degenerated enough to have you googling "sexless marriage" after you have trialled the assorted scented candles methods of recovery, the date night scenarios etc etc and come up empty. But don't take my word for it. Try this exercise. Go back through all the posts in this group (it's been going a year now and has 700 members approx). Count the ones that HAVE recovered. Further, count the ones that (in your personal opinion) look like they could recover. You will find the pickings rather slim. I think doing a survey of actual postings and members chances would be the work of a Doctoral Thesis and take months and months of serious hours per day and collating data - if anybody ever gets a hankering for a Ph. D. in Therapy with focus on SM I think all the data is here in this Forum for sure. Question - Where is the statistic of 1 in 1600 coming from please? Is there a source or study? Would very much appreciate the chance to review that if possible. |
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Post by baza on Apr 28, 2017 4:26:32 GMT -5
That stat is what I gleaned from reading story after story after fucking story in the "Experience Project" site and the "I Live In A Sexless Marriage" group within that site. This reading took place between February 2009 until that site closed about a year ago. There was something in the order of 50,000 members of the group.
Unfortunately that EP site is hellishly difficult to access now, but the stats are all there.
But, let's make it simpler, for anyone who wants to try it.
Go back through the last 70 members. (10% of the total here, thats a representative sample)
Count the ones that HAVE recovered.
Further, count the ones that (in your personal opinion) look like they could recover.
I think you will find the pickings rather slim.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 28, 2017 4:37:54 GMT -5
Extremely interesting article on an anatomy of a SM marriage viewed from the W's best friend looking in. Here is a quote worth noting. "Over time I came to understand that in divorcing Doug, Bethany did something incredibly brave. She took all the hits for breaking up her family, from her parents, her siblings, her children and her friends, myself included, in order to seek a fuller, more integrated life. In the midst of the divorce, when Bethany had lost twenty pounds and couldn’t sleep and doubted herself, she clung to one simple truth, “I can’t live the rest of my life without passion.” " Article is here: betterafter50.com/2013/02/is-a-sexless-marriage-reason-to-divorce/ I could have written every single word of that article just change the names and I made less money. I have said it on here at this point of my life I prefer passion to love. And honestly a spouse that refuses to have sex with you doesn't love you the way a spouse should. Good article. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 28, 2017 6:29:37 GMT -5
If this is a survey, no and there is no possibility of improvement. Period. Yes, I have tried repeatedly but she isn't interested in that kind of relationship.
I am starting to agree that I also would prefer passion to love, And certainly to the sterile, no touch, "not sure if I really believe it when I hear you say it" kind of love.
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Post by h on Apr 28, 2017 6:57:54 GMT -5
Why not create an online poll?
Make a wide variety of options for people to choose from or a scale rating system. Leave it open for as long as you feel is necessary to get a decent sample size. If you can't find the data, collect it yourself.😃
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 28, 2017 14:42:40 GMT -5
Astronomically slim in online accounts.
I've known a few people in the swinger/kink crowd who went deep into a very different lifestyle to accomodate the needs of a partner, and some of them seemed to work it out across a number of years, with difficulty. I suspect they were saved partly because the nature of their kinks required so much attention and priority - they couldn't just happen and instead had to be arranged almost like a hobby or sport.
I'll back Baz in saying - I think that the assumption, once a person notices that sex is off and it's a persistent problem, is that it's THE BEGINNING of a problem. I think though, that by the time someone has gone off sex with their partner (to the extent that it overrides their libido), it's stage 4 cancer, even if it's otherwise benign. It's the end of the process and romantically, they are already uncoupled. Course corrections at this stage are incredibly difficult, and generally geared to fixing the relationship's non-romantic aspects. Seems unlikely that the spark is ever re-ignited, even if the relationship is improved otherwise.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2017 15:25:37 GMT -5
McRoommate,
I changed my situation and have sex on a regular basis with my wife. It's good sex.
What's interesting is the changes that I've gone through. The first thing that has happened is that I'm not depending on my wife to make me happy. I've come to understand that my emotions and thoughts are just that, emotions and thoughts. I'm no longer tied to the day to day things. Oh sure, I'll get upset but it's not for long. I just let it go. I changed my diet and started practicing mindfulness and mental training. I also do physical training. You have to be physically and emotionally prepared to leave a marriage. I may not choose to leave my marriage, but it's still a great thing to be mentally and physically tough.
I realized that I was trying to fix myself by looking at my wife as my rescuer. There's a funny saying about a helping hand. It's found at the end of your arm. If I would have left my wife earlier then I would never have learned and grown as a man.
I'm still not sure that I'll stay with my wife . I'm still very physically attracted to my wife. She has a great body and knows how to use it. The intimacy part is taking much longer to develop. This is the question that I need to answer when I'm nearing my final decision. Is good sex and a nice looking wife worth the lack of intimacy?
I realize no partner will ever be perfect. The final question will be, "is this something that I want for the rest of my life?"
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 28, 2017 16:13:09 GMT -5
McRoommate, I changed my situation and have sex on a regular basis with my wife. It's good sex. What's interesting is the changes that I've gone through. The first thing that has happened is that I'm not depending on my wife to make me happy. I've come to understand that my emotions and thoughts are just that, emotions and thoughts. I'm no longer tied to the day to day things. Oh sure, I'll get upset but it's not for long. I just let it go. I changed my diet and started practicing mindfulness and mental training. I also do physical training. You have to be physically and emotionally prepared to leave a marriage. I may not choose to leave my marriage, but it's still a great thing to be mentally and physically tough. I realized that I was trying to fix myself by looking at my wife as my rescuer. There's a funny saying about a helping hand. It's found at the end of your arm. If I would have left my wife earlier then I would never have learned and grown as a man. I'm still not sure that I'll stay with my wife . I'm still very physically attracted to my wife. She has a great body and knows how to use it. The intimacy part is taking much longer to develop. This is the question that I need to answer when I'm nearing my final decision. Is good sex and a nice looking wife worth the lack of intimacy? I realize no partner will ever be perfect. The final question will be, "is this something that I want for the rest of my life?" I'm curious about what you did. What changes took place in your situation? When my wife and I opened our relationship, I also had more sex on a regular basis with her for a couple years, and I also no longer depended on her to the same degree as a sexual partner. In my case, it was not sustainable. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2017 17:30:00 GMT -5
The thing about surveys, opinions and articles you read in the mainstream media I think most are not well thought out or written well, or have actual knowledge, plus most are written with a huge "Christian" agenda. So I personally finding quoting this or that can fix our situation disingenuous at best
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Post by lyn on Apr 28, 2017 17:40:47 GMT -5
Any data collected in an online poll would be biased. Anyone stumbling upon such poll, would've had to be googling something akin to "sexless marriage", "dead bed", "sh*tty spouse". You get what I mean. The only data relevant to you McRoomMate, is the "data" collected by you and your W. There's nothing magical to be found on the web that will support a claim of recovery for a long term sm. @heraclitus MAY be onto something, but only time will tell. Also, his semi-controlled study (he and Mrs. Heraclitus) only pertains to them - their very specific details /dynamics. If you've got to try it for another 6 months - then you should. What have you got to lose? Except of course ANOTHER 6 months. Are you journaling Roomy? If not, prob a good time to start. Good luck once again! xx |
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Post by baza on Apr 28, 2017 18:49:17 GMT -5
Sister lyn makes the key point. If you are in an ILIASM shithole then the stats on "how common it is" don't matter a rats arse. For you, it is 100%. And, fwiw, I think you'll find Brother @heraclitus has embarked upon a course of personal development and growth for himself, and his missus has chosen to buy in to that process herself. I don't think he (or her) are trying to "save the marriage" but rather are trying to be authentic individuals and see where that leads. Hopefully Brother heraclitus will weigh in on this. |
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