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Post by JMX on Apr 28, 2017 23:12:22 GMT -5
Hmm... I don't think it can be cured. There's an acceptance and a riddance.
Any actual day over the last is an acceptance. IT may change in bits and pieces. You may actually believe it.
It's false.
I mourned my husband and our relationship last year. I am trying for our kids. It actually LOOKED promising. It was stupid.
Here's what I know:
You won't ever find perfect - so what does THIS particular less perfect get for you? Are you happy (ENOUGH) with the way things are?
Happy spouse? Happy life?
Is it worth it?
Is it not? What then?
For me? An endless stream of left-overs. If not left-overs, the diamond-in-the-ruff sucks too. Just in a different way. I have to acclimate to that.
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be on your own?
Like a complete unknown?
Like a rolling stone?
To get to know someone else, intimately, you are inviting their bullshit too. Be ready.
And you may never find someone else. Your grandchildren may have 3 grandparents on your side. You and your ex with their significant other.
Just because you're sexual doesn't mean you will meet and couple with your next match.
Be well-prepared to be alone and happy in it! No one says that enough here.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 29, 2017 2:19:37 GMT -5
A SM can recover. The mechanics of sex isn't that hard to learn. The couple has to be compatible though. W and I may both be sexually frustrated (it would be unfair of me to not share) and mismatched, but we do not lack passion. Our odds for staying married is 16000 to 1. We've been together for 23yrs already, we know each other well. But who knows what the future holds.
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Post by baza on Apr 29, 2017 20:58:54 GMT -5
Two differents subjects aren't they Brother @lwoetin ?
#1 - being if an ILIASM deal can be fixed
#2 - being whether an ILIASM deal will end in divorce
On the anecdotal evidence, most ILIASM deals do NOT end in divorce.
They just go on as they have been going.
They don't get fixed, nor do they end.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2017 23:17:03 GMT -5
Sister lyn makes the key point. If you are in an ILIASM shithole then the stats on "how common it is" don't matter a rats arse. For you, it is 100%. And, fwiw, I think you'll find Brother @heraclitus has embarked upon a course of personal development and growth for himself, and his missus has chosen to buy in to that process herself. I don't think he (or her) are trying to "save the marriage" but rather are trying to be authentic individuals and see where that leads. Hopefully Brother heraclitus will weigh in on this. You're correct in your assumptions. I'm not trying to save my marriage. Ms. H. has slowly begun to join me. I'm learning right now to give her some space. No one wants to be pushed into changing. She has to come to her own realizations. Apocrypha, The changes I made were to myself. It did not happen over night. The process has been going on for more than 7 months. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 30, 2017 11:04:57 GMT -5
I currently consider my case a success story. It's far from perfect. I had to really lower my expectations to make it work. It's good enough though.
I agree that the definition of a SM should be a highly personal one. I think we should all draw our own line in the sand. For me it's the line between reasonable sacrifice and martyrdom. I decided where that line lies for me and I expressed it plain and simple to her. I told her where that line is and I told her the consequences of crossing it. I also made it clear that it wasn't a threat but a natural consequence of neglecting your partner.
The way it unfolded for us was kind of dramatic and unplanned and not very strategic on my part. I just snapped one day and tried many things to fix it. After many many failed attempts to reignite a spark, i decided I was done playing games and i was ready to leave once my ducks were in a row. Once she realized I was leaving and not bluffing she woke up. I thought it was too late for me. I very reluctantly gave her a second chance ...for the sake of the kids. She surprised me and actually started really trying for once. It's been over a year since things turned around. Who knows if it'll all go back to the old ways someday. Who knows if we are truly cured. I'm not holding my breath. I'm still saving on the side for a lawyer. ....just in case.
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Post by Apocrypha on May 4, 2017 12:31:03 GMT -5
The changes I made were to myself. It did not happen over night. The process has been going on for more than 7 months. Ok. Me too, and I had what appeared, to some extent, be a tactical success for a few years, until the second market correction occurred. Still curious about your process. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 4, 2017 12:41:35 GMT -5
I have a bit of a twist. Recently, i decided that it was time to push the issue again concerning the continued and now worsening condition of our relationship, including largely the forced celibacy (although she had now also withdrawn all other forms of physical contact and emotional intimacy as well as late). She has now determined that it would be a good idea if i leave. So, in my case, my partner actually met my complaints with calling time of death. No fixing this. Sex (but also everything else) no longer up for discussion. No cpunseling necessary either. She is right, although we shall see if this sticks ...
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Post by doneanddone on May 4, 2017 15:49:45 GMT -5
I'm hopeful it can be.....
I'm open to trying.....
I also am a realist.....
If at first you don't succeed try, try again. And if you continue to not succeed, don't force it, try a different approach. And if you continue to not succeed and have exhausted all available means and resources, it's not fault, move on and call it what it is, a successful attempt with an outcome justified by the attempts and continued trying.....
I'm hopeful it can be.....
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Post by doneanddone on May 4, 2017 15:57:11 GMT -5
I have a bit of a twist. Recently, i decided that it was time to push the issue again concerning the continued and now worsening condition of our relationship, including largely the forced celibacy (although she had now also withdrawn all other forms of physical contact and emotional intimacy as well as late). She has now determined that it would be a good idea if i leave. So, in my case, my partner actually met my complaints with calling time of death. No fixing this. Sex (but also everything else) no longer up for discussion. No cpunseling necessary either. She is right, although we shall see if this sticks ... Call her shit bro..... See just how far she is willing to take it? Sounds to me like your mind is made up and all that's left is popping the bottle of bubbly when the ink is dry. I'd be curious to hear what happens. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 4, 2017 16:09:42 GMT -5
I have a bit of a twist. Recently, i decided that it was time to push the issue again concerning the continued and now worsening condition of our relationship, including largely the forced celibacy (although she had now also withdrawn all other forms of physical contact and emotional intimacy as well as late). She has now determined that it would be a good idea if i leave. So, in my case, my partner actually met my complaints with calling time of death. No fixing this. Sex (but also everything else) no longer up for discussion. No cpunseling necessary either. She is right, although we shall see if this sticks ... If you haven't already talk to an attorney. I'm not sure about where you live but in my state you are at an advantage if you file for the divorce because you are the plaintiff suing her for divorce. Take the offensive side to protect yourself. As well an attorney will tell you to open a bank account in your own name and any money you have that is liquid move half of it to your own account. Just doing that without filing would be a good way to feel her out. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 4, 2017 16:14:51 GMT -5
I have a bit of a twist. Recently, i decided that it was time to push the issue again concerning the continued and now worsening condition of our relationship, including largely the forced celibacy (although she had now also withdrawn all other forms of physical contact and emotional intimacy as well as late). She has now determined that it would be a good idea if i leave. So, in my case, my partner actually met my complaints with calling time of death. No fixing this. Sex (but also everything else) no longer up for discussion. No cpunseling necessary either. She is right, although we shall see if this sticks ... I went through the "why don't you leave". (of course she didn't want an answer she wanted me to take the bait) My spouse went far enough to draw up a little contract. She wanted me out of the house for a month. There were strings attached. She still needed me to come and pick up, and drop off the kids for all their events while she was at work. I kept that little "contract". I also looked straight at her and said," NO...... Why don't YOU leave? We will be just fine at the house. Just like always. Continue to have the bills paid on line, and I will continue to do all the rest. We won't miss you at all." She had nothing to say, and of course she didn't leave. Others on here warned me of a huge red flag! Leaving the house for a month or more is considered abandonment. She could then claim the house for herself. You might want to start finding out your legal rights. |
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Post by cagedtiger on May 4, 2017 17:43:06 GMT -5
I have a bit of a twist. Recently, i decided that it was time to push the issue again concerning the continued and now worsening condition of our relationship, including largely the forced celibacy (although she had now also withdrawn all other forms of physical contact and emotional intimacy as well as late). She has now determined that it would be a good idea if i leave. So, in my case, my partner actually met my complaints with calling time of death. No fixing this. Sex (but also everything else) no longer up for discussion. No cpunseling necessary either. She is right, although we shall see if this sticks ... I went through the "why don't you leave". (of course she didn't want an answer she wanted me to take the bait) My spouse went far enough to draw up a little contract. She wanted me out of the house for a month. There were strings attached. She still needed me to come and pick up, and drop off the kids for all their events while she was at work. I kept that little "contract". I also looked straight at her and said," NO...... Why don't YOU leave? We will be just fine at the house. Just like always. Continue to have the bills paid on line, and I will continue to do all the rest. We won't miss you at all." She had nothing to say, and of course she didn't leave. Others on here warned me of a huge red flag! Leaving the house for a month or more is considered abandonment. She could then claim the house for herself. You might want to start finding out your legal rights. Jesus that's evil. Please tell me you told your lawyer about that. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 4, 2017 18:00:52 GMT -5
I have a bit of a twist. Recently, i decided that it was time to push the issue again concerning the continued and now worsening condition of our relationship, including largely the forced celibacy (although she had now also withdrawn all other forms of physical contact and emotional intimacy as well as late). She has now determined that it would be a good idea if i leave. So, in my case, my partner actually met my complaints with calling time of death. No fixing this. Sex (but also everything else) no longer up for discussion. No cpunseling necessary either. She is right, although we shall see if this sticks ... Call her shit bro..... See just how far she is willing to take it? Sounds to me like your mind is made up and all that's left is popping the bottle of bubbly when the ink is dry. I'd be curious to hear what happens. Oh, i am not going anywhere and she knows it. She is just eager now to end the relationship and be rid of me. We both know that this unwinding will take some time. Its just clear that neither of us will be investing any effort to cure or fix this. Of course, this is all my fault, and if i were just a better person, not so flawed, etc. maybe she would have wanted to try, but I have repeated enough of her self righteous ad hoc rationalizing at this point to last a good long while ... |
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